Gettin' around to more C&C...
Every inch of Ranma seemed to throb as she dumped a fourth
bucket of
cold water over herself and began to wash again. The harsh smell of
that...
whatever it was... still seemed to linger in her nostrils. Rei called
it...
meth... something.
Rei? Did I miss something in the first chapter?
The muscles in her back were sore from the blast in that lab,
a few
new bruises discoloring her flesh. At least the clothes would hide
them,
thus elminating the need for an explanation. But still, it wasn't
fair that
all the abuse Rei suffered went to her in the morning, or whenever he
went
back to whatever dark corner of her mind he called home.
Oh, ok.
As she scrubbed at grime that wasn't there, Ranma tried to
push the
thoughts of him out of her mind. The things Rei did were almost
deplorable,
dishonorable in an extreme. He didn't care about fair combat, just
killing
his enemies as quickly and as brutally as he could. Despite all that,
however, Ranma couldn't bring herself to hate him. She didn't know
why, but
she just couldn't.
Might as well hate yourself, Ranma... :)
She stepped into the hot bathwater, the tension easing as her
body
regained its true proportions. Ranma leaned his head back, the first
birdsongs of the morning filtering in through the open window as he
did what
he always did after one of Rei's jaunts, try to believe that it
didn't
Run-on sentence. I'd suggest:
Ranma leaned his head back, the first birdsongs of morning
filtering in through the open window. As usual after one of Rei's
jaunts, he tried to believe that it hadn't happened.
happen. His mind felt rested and strong, even if his body felt tired
and
worn. Training was going to be difficult later, that was for sure.
"Get up, boy!" Ranma stirred at the shout, opening his eyes
to see
his father glaring down at him from the edge of the furo. "A true
martial
artist does not sleep in!" Sleep in? He had fallen asleep again?
Well, I imagine killing all night would tend to tire a body out
just a tad... :)
"Sure, pop." He rose from the bathwater, his back twinging
slightly
as the liquid ran off his body in small rivulets. "Sorry, didn't get
much
sleep last night."
"Oh." The indignation seemed to leave Genma in a rush, his
face
becoming impassive. "I'll be waiting outside." Genma turned and left
as
Ranma began to dry himself.
Did Genma approve of Rei's actions? Ranma could never tell
for sure,
and didn't really want to know. All he could really ascertain was
that Genma
seemed to get rather fearful when evidence of Rei's actions hit the
newspapers, or when Ranma said something about losing sleep. Putting
on his
clothes, Ranma left the bathroom for the morning excercises. This
was gonna
be fun....
Genma -knows-? Oh, my... now that certainly raises some
interesting points, now doesn't it?
<snip>
He closed and locked the door behind him, a headache trying
to force
its way to his forehead. He stalked down the empty corridor toward
his
office beyond, her words still buzzing in his brain.
A dragon with two heads. It was looking for someone, yet knew
nothing of it. What could that possibly mean? Maybe it had nothing to
do
with him, she had visions like that at times. No, something kept
whispering
that this did indeed involve him.
I like this prophecy bit. I've never managed to do well on those,
myself.
His office greeted him as he stepped in. The bookshelf slid
closed
behind him, moving silently back into place. Dark oak walls
surrounded him
Extra space.
<snip>
"Ranma?" Akane asked, "what's wrong? You look terrible."
Minor nit. Suggest:
"Ranma," Akane asked, "what's wrong? You look terrible."
"Nothin'," he replied with a yawn, "didn't sleep too good."
"No kidding. I hate baggy-eyed guys."
"And I hate tomboys, so there!" he said, turning to stick out
his
tongue.
"Same to you, nyaah!" Akane stuck her own tongue out in
reply,
pulling down the lower lid of her left eye.
"Hey, that's pretty good! Can ya do it again?"
"Oh, your face is MUCH funnier!" Ranma leapt up in time to
avoid the
bookbag swipe aimed at his legs. He landed with his hands on the top
of the
fence, legs held straight out. Arguing with Akane took his mind off
Rei, one
of the main reasons why he fought with her. She wasn't that bad a
person,
after all.
"So, the tomboy rears her ugly head at last!"
"You're such a jerk!" Akane exclaimed as she turned her back.
Ranma
twisted his feet up to his head, sticking his tongue out once more.
"Oh,
great, we're late again!"
Ranma charged off behind his new fiancee, man he hated that
word, as
Suggest:
Ranma charged off behind his new fiancee - man, he hated that
word - as ...
she ran toward Furinkan's waiting gates. The courtyard beyond
appeared
empty, almost desolate, as they approached. Maybe...
The space was filled with Furinkan's hormone-drunk male
populace in
the space of a second, surprising even Ranma as he leapt down off the
fence.
The shouting mob closed the distance with astounding speed, and fell
to
Akane's violent onslaught just as fast. Ranma joined in, knocking
away the
babbling stragglers who came up from his side.
"AKANE TENDO I CHALLENGE YOU!" Ranma glowered at the sound of
Kuno's
voice, leaping up alongside Akane in a double jump kick that put Kuno
out
like a light. One day, he would have to do something about that
wannabe samurai.
Ah, Kuno's not so bad.
... Ok, ok, so he is. Still... :)
<snip detective scene>
VERY, VERY good! Damn, that's nice dialogue. :) Great work.
================================================
Nabiki counted the roll of yen in her hand, whistling an
aimless
tune as she calculated her total earnings for the week. All in all,
it
wasn't bad. Not as good as it could have been, but not too shabby
nonetheless.
The sun cast it's golden glow on the open courtyard below,
bathing
the students who were enjoying their lunch outdoors. Nabiki, in fact,
also
preferred her lunch al fresco. The fresh air often did her good.
Not that she needs it... <smack!>
Ok, sorry, I've bottled up the hentai.
She glanced at Akane sitting with a group of friends,
vehemently
denying her engagement to Ranma. Nabiki rolled her eyes at her little
sister, supressing a laugh as she pocketed the money. Ranma was a
pretty
handsome catch, if she said so herself. So what if he turned into a
girl
sometimes, that had its uses as well...
Nabiki looked around, not seeing Ranma anywhere. As she
thought
about it, she tried to think about how he had been that morning while
sparring with Genma. Nabiki was far from a martial arts expert, but
she had
seen something wrong with the way he fought. Akane, who had also been
watching, had commented on it. Ranma's form had been off, as if he
had been
stiff and sore from something. What, she couldn't imagine.
Ranma: It wasn't a killing spree, honest!
Then there had been Genma's behaivior at breakfast. Soun had
been
reading the paper, as usual, when Genma caught sight of the front
page. His
beady eyes had widened slightly, and he had cast a nervous glance at
Ranma
before returning to his own meal. He had even refused seconds, citing
that
he was full.
Genma: No, it wasn't. My boy would never do something like that!
Ranma and Genma: Hah ah ah aha ha!
Nabiki had looked at the headline before leaving for school,
something about a fire close to Shinjuku, a rather bad part of Tokyo.
According to what little she had scanned from the article, it had
been a lab
for making some kind of narcotic.
Now, why would Genma react like that? The question bounced
around
inside her head, an answer stubbornly refusing to take shape. Part of
her
wanted to believe that it was her imagination running away with her,
but
another part wanted to find out why. That incessant need to know
would never
let something so... odd... get by without at least finding out what
it
could. Of course, nothing about Ranma or Genma seemed particularly
normal,
but that was neither here nor there. Perhaps it was time to pay more
attention to Ranma. He would give something away sooner or later.
Oh, crapski. With Nabs on his tail, he's gonna have to WORK at
keeping it secret.
====================================
He followed Nabiki's path from the corner of his eye, a small
smile
curling his lips. She finally vanished around a corner of the
building when
he returned his gaze to the book on his lap. From the wad of yen she
had
been counting, she must be everything the rumors said she was. The
girl
could be useful to him after all. She could help cement the Ketsume
Gang's
hold on Furinkan, which would definitely please Goto-san. Still
smiling, he
began to actually read the words his eyes were passing over.
Uh-oh. Who's this guy? Sounds like it could be bad news for
Nabs....
====================================
It's that time again. I put on the outfit, feeling the
comforting
heft of my weapons as I prepare myself for the hunt. The kid had
wanted to
stay up, to keep me inside tonight, but he couldn't hold out forever.
In the
end, he had fallen asleep, and the rest is history. Much as I hate
to, I may
have to take tomorrow night off. The body can take only so much
abuse, and
the kid's starting to feel the effects.
I check the ammo in the Sig and the Benelli. Both are locked,
cocked, and ready to fire. I hope I don't have to use them tonight,
ammo can
be hard to get, but I will if I have to. I need to win this war, no
matter
Suggest:
I hope I don't have to use them tonight - ammo can be hard to
get - but I will if I have to.
the cost.
I feel her eyes on my back as I close the door, but it
doesn't
bother me. I'm not Ranma. I'm Reiraku, and I'm gonna be their
downfall.
Um... huH? I'm kinda confused... in a good way, but still... I'm
not sure if it's Ranma-chan that's looking at him, or someone else.
=====================================
Well, that's it for this one. Now, for a few notes.
The Furinkan fight scene, for those of you interested, was
taken
almost directly from the fourth ep. of the anime (I think that's
right,
haven't seen it an awhile). The only reason I used it was to show a
few
people just how early in the series this actually is.
Lastly, I got the name Reiraku from Chris WIllmore's Ranma
2096 fic.
Yes, the name does mean downfall. I thought it was kinda fitting,
myself.
Questions? Comments? Love to hear 'em!
Here they are!
Well, hot damn. This chapter, IMO, is better than the first.
VERY good dialogue with the detectives, too. I'm really looking
forward to the next bit.
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org