"JJ Corley" <ronin_salsolo@hotmail.com> wrote:
She bowed deeply to the shrine, straighting her yellow Gi as she stood and
left the Dojo for the house. It was lonely now that her older sisters were
There's no reason to capitalize "gi." It's not a name. "Tendo Dojo" is a
name, and can be capitalized, but "dojo" by itself isn't and shouldn't
be.
"'I, Tendou Soun, being of sound mind and body, made an oath on my families
family's. Families means more than one family.
Ranma sighed. If she was to marry this woman, then Akane had a right to
know. "My father was training me to be a 'Man Amoung Men', in accordance to
Among
Her head shot up, her legs swung apart, her fist slammed into the table and
Ranma's tear filled eyes fearfully locked onto Akane's. "NO! It was an
accident! I.. I hit him, and he flew into one of the polls that were stuck
poles. A poll is a survey.
Ranma nodded, and Akane continued. "My father was a very loving man, and
I'm sure he wanted the best for all of his daughters.. But.." She paused,
giving the other woman's hand a squeeze. "He wanted to join the schools even
more. My eldest sister, Kasumi, began training when she was two, so did
Nabiki -she's my older sister too, but two years younger than Kasumi- and so
did I. Kasumi stopped shortly after our mother died, partly because she was
needed to cook and care for us while daddy was working; and partly, I think,
because mother never really approved of the agreement.. And Kasumi had so
wanted to be just like mom. She's married now, to a nice chiropractor named
Dr. Tofu, who we had seen for our injuries for years. We all knew He was
Unless Tofu is the Messiah, uncapitalize "he." :)
Ranma stared at her hand in disbelief. The finger which had recieved
Akane's attentions was still moist. "Ma.. Masaka.. You want this, don't you?
We have pefectly good English words for things like this, y'know. :)
You absolutly want this.."
absolutely
Akane didn't answer right away, but stood, walking over to the open Shogi
screens. She paused a moment, her back to Ranma, watching the cherry
blossums fall, then she slowly shut the screen as she spoke. "For seventeen
blossoms
Ranma's eyes were wide, reflecting what little light seeped into the room
>from elsewhere, as Akane seductivly slinked towards her. The younger woman
knelt, crawling over her, forcing her to lie back while preventing Ranma
>from escaping too easily. "Do you know the pain, too, that's there?." She
Don't double-punctuate. ? will suffice.
"Anything." She murmered, returning Ranma's embrace.
"Anything," she murmured,
"I see a light in your eyes directed towards me that I've never seen
before.. And I want that. I want to know what that feeling is. Can you do
enough loving for both of us.. Until I learn how to love? Can you teach me
to open my heart as you do?"
This dialog is rather cliched. Do you know anyone who really talks like
this? I don't. It might make sense for this version of Akane, if for the
last ten years she's been into cheap romance novels and B-movies. But I
can't see how it works for Ranma.
Ranma closed his eyes, forcing the tears back. "Men.. Don't cry. No matter
what. Not for anything.." He stopped as a single tear traced its hot line
down his cheak.
cheek.
Descriptively, this was quite good. Dialog and characterization need
work. I don't really feel like I know this version of Ranma as well as I
should.
In general, don't shy away from conflicting feelings; they are what make
good drama. Akane could be excited that her dream man has finally
arrived, while at the same time afraid that she's opening herself up to
a man she knows nothing about; and you can do similar things with Ranma.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html