(Warning... this riffing contains some bad language and a bit - well, a
lot of innuendo. Nothing you wouldn't hear in a Jim Carey movie, after
all. All in good fun, though... ;p)
The door was shut. The light was on. Everyone was asleep. The clock
displayed 2:00 AM. The desk displayed three empty Pepsi Max cans. The
brain registered the absence of REAL caffeine in same but didn't care,
it was getting a buzz on SOMETHING.
Then...
Talen looked up at his bunk-bed. With an eyetwitch, his stuffed dog
rolled over and glanced down at him. Then, the stuffed beagle joined
him. And then, the sketch of a wombat on the wall rolled off and walked
to the edge of the bed.
"Hey, Talen..." Boot, the stuffed dog grinned. "You should get some
sleep."
"I know, but there's a Rhea fic..."
"MUST you get your jollies pissing in his pool?" Beagle remarked. "I
mean, he doesn't swim in your toilet."
There was a pause as Boot moved slightly away from the stuffed Finnish
Stunt Badger.
"Anyway... I wanted to riff it. For real. Not just pick at him."
"Fifteen minutes. Besides, you've got your stuffed animals talking to
you now."
"Ah-heh..." Talen twitched again. "Wanna help?"
"Sure!" Boot rolled over the edge, to be caught. Beagle hopped off the
edge to be caught. Dubby leapt off the edge to leave a crater.
"Bastard." Remarked the aging wombat. "No respect, that's what I get,
no respect, none at all..."
On 8 Feb 2000 14:06:14 GMT, michaelrhea@hotmail.com wrote:
DISCLAIMER:None of these characters are mine,and no copyright
infringement is intended.
Talen: But the punctuation laws I invented myself.
Dubby: Of course, if it actually *happens*, well, tough nuts.
This fic contains some sexual dialogue;
Beagle: Woohoo!
but nothing serious.
Beagle: Damnation!
Talen: Yep. To ensure there wasn't any _serious_ sex, all the characters
tell knock-knock jokes while bonking like rabbits.
Beagle: Knock-knock.
Dubby: Who's there?
Beagle: Kuno
Dubby: Kuno who?
Beagle: Kuno done THAT without lubrication.
Talen: <groan>
Beagle: Wait, wait, how about this one - Knock-knock
Dubby: Who's there?
Beagle: Ranma
Dubby: Ranma who?
Beagle: Ranma hand up her thighs, too, then I-
Talen: That's enough, guys.
As with many of my fics,I came up with this fic while
at work;
Talen: He works?
Beagle: Like Windows 98.
Dubby: Like Quake on a 486.
Boot: Like OS/2 Warp.
though this fic was inspired by at least 2 other fics(by other
authors).
Talen: Out of respect, I won't name them here.
Boot: After all, some people have pride.
Dubby: Didn't Huang say it was an embarrassment to be associated with
Mike Rhea?
Talen: Yep. And Shinji Ikari, the 10 O'clock assassin. Of course, that
hasn't stopped *me* from justifying my existence by being cruel to
someone indulging in his hobby.
Dubby: Since when has being socially reprobate stopped you before?
Talen: Hell yeah!
This is my first attempt at a darkfic,so please be gentle.
Talen: Lemme guess, Akane, Konatsu and Tsubasa get raped.
Dubby: And Ranma chooses Ukyou.
Boot: And flowers bloom everywhere.
Talen: And Genma gets hurt real bad. Or something.
Boot: Just a hunch.
"The Surprise Announcement"(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic),by Mike Rhea
Talen: You know, I honestly think that Rhea took *part* of my advice and
ripped off just his thumbs before he thought being demensalogicality
would be ultimately detrimental...
<Others glance at each other>
Boot: He means cutting his hands off.
Dubby: I knew that.
Beagle: Me too.
********************************************************************
Talen: Stars fell on Alabamaa... laaaast... niiiiiiight.
Boot: Olympia, Dallas and most of Rhode Island were also hit, but not
quite as bad as Alabama.
Akane,Nabiki,Kasumi,Souun,Genma,Happousai,Tsubasa,and Konatsu
Talen: Hey, he must like Konatsu a bit after all. See, he gets a space.
Boot: Just why the hell is Tsubasa there? I mean, really? After his
appearance in volume five, he systematically disappeared into the ether,
never to be seen again, perhaps moonlighting somewhere as a part-time
spy until he eventually got employed by a huge government agency called
Control...
Beagle: <As Tsubasa> 99-sama!!!
Dubby: Beagle, that girl is now old enough to be your mother.
Beagle: So? I'm only seven.
Dubby: She's old enough to be Talen's mother. Hell, she's old enough to
be Talen's mother's mother for Christ's sake.
Beagle: So? Ukyou's only twelve by that reasoning.
Dubby: Yes, but you don't catch any of US tying pictures of her to our
eyelids and pushing our genitals into doorjambs.
Beagle: ... I only did that *once*.
were
all gathered the Tendou Doujou.
Talen: You know, I may have to give Rhea a point here - he at least uses
consistant romanization. Something I don't do.
Beagle: And this means?
Talen: Not much at all. I think he hasn't realised that sentences are
broken up with periods and spaces and is using the enter key to
compensate. It would be congruent with the missing-thumbs theory.
They were all trying to make sense of a
crisis that had struck them all at the same time.
Talen: Simultaneously to boot.
Boot: Yeah?
Talen: >_< shutup, you smartarse, or you get kicked off the verandah
again.
Boot: I'll be good...
It had been 4 months since another verbal confrontation between Ranma
and Akane blew Nodoka Saotome's patience.
Beagle: Nodoka's a doctor?
Boot: No. Do not go there.
Beagle: But, you see, it's a pun - she 'blew' her 'patients'! see? See?
Boot: You stole that from the group MSTing.
Talen: Doesn't matter, they stole from me. So I'll steal back.
Dubby: yes, but they're respected authors, you're just a bully.
<punt>
Talen: Moron wombat... anyhoo... 4 starters, it's 1 thing 2 use digits,
but you shouldn't use them in context as terms save for unweidly
numbers, so spraying them around to save yourself typing is somewhere up
with sexually abusing gerbils for pathetic.
Dubby: 6ually abusing gerbils? That's mighty 5. 7 when I m8 with them, I
don't feel such a 1er.
Boot: That's just 0 on.
Talen: Oh, yeah, and blowing Nodoka's patience would require somewhere
in the order of, ooh, say... hmm...
Boot: Let's face it. She could keep her cool with Tetsuo from Akira at
his worst. She could put up with the Phoenix Sword. She could... she
could... she could endure a MIKE RHEA FIC!
Talen: <gasp> it's not possible!
That fateful day(about 2 weeks
Talen: Parenthesis are kinda like commas.
Boot: Both divide sentences and require a preceeding or succeeding space
to be granted textual viability?
Talen: Er... I was gunna say they're kinda curvy, but... yeah.
after the failed wedding),
Beagle: WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! we have continuity hiccup!
Dubby: You should have noticed that when he used Konatsu and Tsubasa in
the same sentence.
Talen: Doesn't matter. In the anime, Tsubasa was hinted at being
semirecurring. In the manga, he's one-shot. Konatsu was manga-only, so
we're set in the manga. I'm fine with mixing continuity, so we didn't
have a definite. Now we do. The wedding NEVER happened in the anime.
Dubby: Mostly 'cos everyone was sick'n'f'cking tired of "Bad guy
appears, Ranma loses, bad guy gloats, Ranma beats him up."
Boot: I mean, especially when they had Sailor Moon - after all, who
could tire of "Bad Guy Appears, Sailors get scared, Sailors beat bad guy
up?"
Dubby: Just about everyone.
Boot: But Ranma doesn't look as good in a short skirt.
Dubby: The hell he doesn't, if you involve a supersoaker.
Boot: I think Makoto'd win the wet-t-shirt contest.
Talen: *ahem* we're not here to discuss translators being dic heads.
she severely criticized both Akane's brutal
treatment of Ranma and her lack of domestic skills.
Talen: I'd say Akane's pretty well off when it comes to domestics.
Dubby: Yeah. 'round here, women just stab their husbands with scissors
and stuff, she uses an extradimensional mallet...
Boot: No, it's a ki attack.
Beagle: you're both wrong. It's a female-only artefact!
Boot: So Soun's a girl?
Beagle: It would explain why he's so damn emotional... damn chicks.
Boot: You are so lucky you're a cute and cuddly stuffed toy, or you
would be *so* dead for saying that.
Additionally,she
berated both her own husband and Mr.Tendou for not only condoning it,
Boot: <Nodoka> How dare you let her use the mallet! Get her some
scissors, RIGHT NOW!
but also failing to stop it.
Talen: Funny, I mean Genma and Soun never said "Akane, beat the snot out
of Ranma". In fact, both actively discouraged it... hells, Genma
followed Ranma to school to prevent it.
Boot: Add to that that Soun couldn't force Ranma to do jack, and that,
post Amaguriken, the odds are stacked so majorly in Ranma's favour it's
not funny when Genma wants to boss him around.
Beagle: Shhh. Remember, Genma sucks.
Immediately following that outburst,Nodoka
not only stormed out of the doujou in the direction of Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki
Boot: Which Ranma had left on the sidewalk.
(carrying a couple of backpacks),
Talen: So the Ucchan's near Belangelo?
Boot: Cultural Reference: The Belangelo state forests happen to be the
site of a major set of serial back-packer murders by one Ivan Milat,
that remained largely unsolved for five years until someone fluked to
hear Milat's relatives bragging about it.
Beagle: Yeah... so, wanna buy some backpacks?
but also took Ranma with
her.
Talen: And here I was thinking that she was just going to Ucchan's for
the wild lesbian sex.
Beagle: Well, it'd make sense, after all. I mean, we evolved from
monkeys, so we engage in wild monkey sex...
Boot: No, *you* engage in wild monkey sex. Wild Beagle sex. Wild
Finnish-stunt-badger sex.
Dubby: Explains a lot. After all, how many horny finnish stunt-badgers
do you see around, hmmm?
Boot: At least one.
Talen: Lemme get this straight - you're saying Nodoka evolved from
lesbians?
Not only have those 2 been missing since;
Talen: But we were being rather 3 with the numbers.
Boot: 4 what purpose and 2 what N? It's been going just 9 so far.
Dubby: If *anyone* gives *either* of those two an excuse to go on a pun
rant, I'm hiding behind the couch.
Beagle: Save me a cushion.
Boot: We have a couch?
but also,to further
complicate the matter,
Talen: Konatsu was repeatedly sodomised with a broomstick.
Boot: Ewww...
Beagle: Hey, it can't be that bad.
<pause>
Beagle: I'm a stuffed toy - I have no anal passage.
Boot: Gives a whole new meaning to 'rip you a new one'.
Beagle: <shudders>
Talen: Well, he *said* it's a darkfic... I'm waaaaiting.
Boot: He also said Wet Dream Come True is a masterwork.
Beagle: He missed the 'bation fic done at' in the middle there.
Ukyou has also been missing.
Boot: Tense, isn't it?
Beagle: You has able to be cutting the tenses with a knife.
Talen: Not only has she been missing, but her body was found floating
face-do-
Boot: No. Just no. That's brewst's. He thought it up. Be fair.
Talen: I was actually going to comment most wittily on the state of
marxist overtones in this fic, but if you're going to be a jerk about
it...
In fact,Konatsu has
been very suspicious about the matter;
Beagle: After all, Nodoka and Ukyou were having sex right on the
tables... it seemed faintly suspicious to the perceptive young man...
Talen: No, no, no. This is Evil Konatsu of the Rhea. Observe... After
all, neither Ukyou nor Nodoka held still long enough for him to rape and
sodomise them repeatedly.
Beagle: With a broomstick.
Dubby: NOW you're gettin' it.
since on that fateful day,just
hours after both Nodoka and Ranma arrived at the okonomiyaki-ya,
Beagle: Hours? Damn, she must come slow.
Talen: Eh, Nodoka had a heart attack along the way thanks to one to many
wild lesbian orgasms from the wild lesbian sex.
Beagle: Fortunately, Konatsu was able to spare his time with the
broomstick to perform CPR, having heard her cries.
Dubby: So she makes a lot of noise coming...
Boot: And going...
Ukyou
informed the drag-queen ninja that he would no longer be needed
anymore.
Talen: So he straightaway joined the department of redundancy department
immediately.
Boot: That was almost a pilfer.
Talen: I added bits. That's not theft, it's parody. Or homage.
Boot: Or unoriginality.
Talen: You really want to be given to a four-year-old?
Boot: >_<
The following day;Ranma,Ukyou,and Nodoka
Talen: The following day;- what, is this SCRIPT now?
Beagle: Tried to rope the Nekohanten staff into it.
Boot: Only staff at the Nekohanten happens to be Cologne's, and if ANY
of them can fit that ANYWHERE... <shudder>
Beagle: ... and you said I was bad about the BROOMSTICKS.
Boot: Problem being Cologne usually sits on the thicker end of that
staff...
Beagle: You've forever ruined Nekohanten scenes for me, dogboy. All the
fun of waiting for a gratuitous nipple-scene involving Shampoo just died
while thinking of Cologne as a compulsive masturbator.
Boot: Shucks. #^^#
all suddenly vanished.
Beagle: wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. First, they were gone, then, they
vanished?
Talen: Yeaaah! Dooi. See, Nodoka happens to be Mandrake.
Beagle: So Ranma was conceived with a Mandrake root?
Boot: Pulled from the grave at midnight?
Talen: Necrophilia. Ew.
Beagle: "I'm into homosexual necrophilia", Tom said in Dead Ernest.
A sign at the door of the restaurant stated that the owner was "on
vacation indefinitely."
Beagle: The sign on the window stated the owner was "getting some and
loving it"
Boot: The sign of the times was the rampant lesbian menage au trois
going on on the floor...
Talen: The sign of the time, now, is that my stuffed toys are talking to
me.
It wasn't until a couple of days later when
Konatsu informed the Tendous that the three were together the night
prior to the sudden disappearance
Talen: Konatsu and the Tendous were together?
Dubby: Dude, this transvestite just scored with three chicks and a guy
at once.
Boot: So Konatsu's bi?
Beagle: Probably. This is a Rhea fic. Since Tsubasa's not poking him
yet, I think we can take it that Konatsu's not getting any, though.
Dubby: Bi and not getting laid... that's twice as bad.
(and has taken up temporary
residence at the Tendous' since);
Beagle: After all, YOU try shagging like bunnies every night and going
back to the Ucchan's. Hell, it's only half-bet Konatsu could WALK after
what Akane did.
Talen: Funny - Konatsu's a lesbian trapped in a man's body and Akane's a
bisexual trapped in a fanfic cliche.
Boot: And they're all characters trapped in a Mike Rhea fic.
Dubby: The poor bastards.
though Akane had been suspicious
Beagle: She only kept it up for three hours... Konatsu was having his
suspicions...
about it since the day after Nodoka's outburst,
Boot: She was suspicious about Konatsu's presence in the dojo since
noticing Ukyou and Ranma as absent?
Beagle: Yeah! The fact that Ranma wasn't in the house didn't register
with her. And neither did the fact that Konatsu had turned up and told
them Ukyou was missing, with Nodoka and Ranma, with backpacks.
Talen: I mean, Akane's not just totally unsuspicious and possessive,
she's also dumb as bricks. Despite the fact she can nut out that
Ryouga's P-Chan. Apparently.
when she noticed that
both Ranma and Ukyou were absent from their classes.
Beagle: And that she managed to get to school on time?
Boot: Much as I'd like to, this sentence doesn't need riffing.
Talen: This FIC doesn't need riffing, but it's not stopping me.
Tsubasa,on the
other hand,
Boot: Try scrubbing THAT off...
wasn't aware of the crisis until last week.
Boot:<Rhea> tho I hate him so you don't get the same anal-retentive
detail in his recap.
Though they were
also similarly concerned,Cologne and Shampoo opted to stay out of this.
Beagle: Nah! Cologne was not concerned in any such way! She was more
concerned that when she'd OFFERED to join, they'd run screaming from the
restaurant.
Boot: <Shampoo> Great-grandmother come here... make feel all better.
Beagle: Boot, I'm going to kill you for that. Now. You die now.
Hiroshi,Daisuke,Yuka,Sayuri,and Miyo were all similarly concerned also.
Talen: Gotta love the C&P ficwriter. After all, if it weren't for him,
we'd think they were just concerned. In general.
Boot: <Hiroshi> <concerned> Gee.
Beagle: <Yuka> <concerned> Gee.
Dubby: <Daisuke> <concerned> Gee.
Talen: <Sayuri> <concerned> Gee.
Dubby: <Miyo> <concerned> Gee. So, who the hell am I again?
On the other hand,the Kunou siblings,
Boot: Almost as hard to get out as Tsubasa.
Beagle: By my count, Rhea has three hands.
Talen: To compensate for the lack of thumbs.
Dubby: And so he can type out lemons and still have the letters l, p, o
and commas in them.
Tatewaki and Kodachi,were up to
their usual assumptions:
Dubby: But when you assumpt, you make an ass out of um.
Beagle: I wouldn't mind taking the ass of Lum.
Boot: He said ASS OUT OF UM! Geeze, you got cloth ears or something?
Beagle: Yes.
Talen: Sure sucked the fun outta THAT riffing.
that the pig-tailed goddess and "Ranma-sama"
were kidnapped and enslaved by the "evil sorcerer" Ranma and "the
pig-tailed harlot,"respectively.
Boot: So, basically, no change whatsoever.
Beagle: When you consider that they're just there so Rhea can make
headcount...
Mousse,however,was probably the least
concerned about Ranma's and Ukyou's disappearance,since he knew that
Shampoo wasn't with them.
Beagle: <Mousse> Hahhahah! Spiking the old ghoul's drink with viagra
worked! Now I've scared even Shapmoo's drooling fanboys away! Let it
never be said a horny old ghoul can't work wonders on any young
aquanatidaen's sex life.
Boot: <Cologne> Oh, Mousse. Kinda hot in here. Is that a chain in your
pocket, or you just happi to see me?
Beagle: >_< Die now.
<Pause>
Beagle: Could you please come over here? My arms are only three inches
long, you know...
A couple of minutes later,the mail had arrived.
Beagle: His name was Trinity...
Talen: Mail. Not Male. Though, it's interesting that Rhea can spell
words correctly, just can't do grammar for duckshit.
It was a postcard from
Ryouga,and Akane was the first to read it.
Beagle: This is because, of course, of the entire roll-call here, -
Boot: the Tendos,Genma,Tsubasa,Konatsu,Happousai and the poor, broken,
withering readers,
Beagle: Akane is the only one smart enough to read.
Boot: But she's still evil.
Beagle: But of course. Hey, wait, I'm not talking to you.
Boot: <Cologne> Oh, Mousse... now THAT is a hidden weapon.
Beagle: Talen, my entire lint collection is yours if you'll just throw
me at him.
What she read was not
encouraging:
Boot: It was another Mike Rhea fic, "Take me out to the Sento".
Dubby: You know, Rhea's fics remind me of those old flip-books you could
get when you were young, you know, the ones full of animals, cut into
three bits, where you could flip the fish's tail around and give it a
crocodile's tail and so on, and you could have hours of fun with?
Boot: No, we don't. We weren't textbook sociopaths as children.
Dubby: They always said I was different to other wombats... <twitch>
Ryouga had sighted Ranma and Ukyou together
Talen: <Ryouga> Rhea Cliche sighted... launch torpedos!
Beagle: Ukyou's with Ranma... she's going down! Dive, dive!
Boot: >_<; Beagle...
Beagle: Oh, no! Raise periscope!!!
Boot: >_<;; Beagle...
Beagle: Flood the torpedo tubes!
Boot: >_<;;; BEAGLE!!!
Beagle: Whuh?
Boot: What's with Debby Does Red October?
Beagle: Ah-heh... ^^;;;
(holding hands,
in fact)
Talen: Not each others'. Just holding hands in general.
Beagle: Of course, Ranma didn't tend to give them back - he had about
four already and was leaving a trail of screaming people clutching at
the bloody stumps on the ends of their arms...
Boot: Of course, Hans was rather surprised that he was being held...
entering a couples-only hot spring
Beagle: Heh. Spring. Bedspring. Boing. Boing. Boing.
Boot: Beagle... beagle... BEAGLE!!!
Beagle: Whaaat?!
Boot: You went into Butthead mode.
Dubby: Default state...
Talen: I'm curious as to how you get couple-only springs; are they
especially designed to bounce for two?
near Beppu just a couple
of weeks ago(when the eternal lost boy mailed the postcard).
Talen: ... waitasecwaitasecwaitasec. A 'couple'? Ie, 'three or more'?
Boot: Ie, at least a week before this whole mess started?
Beagle: In other words, poor ol' Ryouga was suffering this shit a week
before the rest of the cast?
Boot: Poor guy.
Everyone
that was present at the Tendou residence
Talen: Yep - that's Nabiki,Kasumi,Akane,Soun,Genma,Happousai,Tsubasa AND
Konatsu, if you don't remember.
Dubby: Maybe Konatsu gets a space because Rhea wants to protect the
others from him...
desperately hoped that the
info that they got from Ryouga was false.
Talen: What with Ryouga's track record for lying and all. And Akane's
track record for disbelieving him.
Just a few moments later,someone knocked on the door.
Talen: Avon calling.
Dubby: AH! Mormons!
Boot: No, we're quantum Presbyterians.
"Is anybody home,"inquired a familiar voice.
Talen: Why do you ask,
Boot: Fenris is here,
Dubby: Are you trying to make as many obscure references as possible or
something,
The entire Tendou family,as well as Genma,got very nervous
Talen: Then they got Sorry. Then they got Trouble. Then they got
Twister.
upon hearing
the familiar voice of Nodoka Saotome.
Boot: Nodoka's Fenris!?!
Beagle: Explains nothing. She doesn't do bad puns.
She promptly entered the doujou;
Boot: Ignoring the fact that nobody had opened the door yet.
and was followed by Ranma,Ukyou(who not only was holding hands
Beagle: <Ukyou> Check out this collection! I got two caucasian, one
african-american - ooh, ooh, look, this one was MARRIED!
with
Ranma
Boot: <Ranma> Hey, look what happens if I pull this tendon!
and wearing a dress instead of her usual boy-like okonomiyaki
seller's clothing,
Beagle: Pity. Save for that thing out Nihao My Concubine, she looks
better in the okonomiyaki outfit.
Boot: Y'can't sell okonmiyaki in that thing. People just won't respect
Okonmiyaki cooked by some dress-wearing hussy...
but also had a slightly protuberant abdomen
Beagle: ...
Boot: If you make *one* hermaphrodite joke, I'll start impersonating
Cologne again.
Beagle: >_<
that was
of serious concern to the Tendous as well as the drag queens),
Talen: <Konatsu> Ukyou-sama! You've got an alien parasite!
Boot: <Tsubasa> Hey!
Dubby: Cute.
Beagle: <Soun> Oh, Ukyou! Is it mine?
and an
old bearded man in an okonomiyaki sellers's uniform
Boot: See, I bet HE sells okonomiyaki... damn skirted floozies...
who was actually
Ukyou's dad.
Beagle: He also had the Infinity Gauntlet, which is why everyone knew
his name before he opened his mouth despite only Genma having met him.
Boot: No, no, no - Rhea is psychically transmitting things to his
readers.
Dubby: You mean "It's Okay To Hate Genma" and "Konatsu Is The Devil
Incarnate"?
Boot: Despite the fact that both happen to be nice guys? Yep.
Beagle: <chanting> Broomsticks... broomsticks... broomsticks...
Akane could have called Ranma a jerk on the spot,but
Dubby: She had laryngitis.
Boot: Like that would stop her?
didn't because she had lost Nodoka's respect and support
Talen: And that matters horseshit to Akane how?
Boot: Yeah, she was beating the unholy snot out of Ranma in volume one
for god's sake. Before Nodoka existedd.
(and as a
direct result,was now powerless).
Dubby: Yeah, we got a downed Nodoka in power grids three through five...
Nerima's pretty much lights-out 'till we get 'em back up...
Beagle: Nodoka getting it up. Mental image I didn't want.
"Attention,everyone,"said Nodoka.
Talen: This is because everyone was busy inspecting Konatsu's navel at
the time, and paying NO attention whatsoever to the three people who had
been missing for two whole weeks now.
Boot: I mean, Konatsu isn't quite an inny and he isn't quite an outty...
"We have a very important
announcement.I'll now leave it to Ranma and Ukyou."
Dubby: Did she even need to say that?
Talen: Yes.
Dubby: Why?
Talen: <Rhea> cos I sez!
Boot: But Rhea's an idiot.
Talen: <Rhea> sez you
Boot: You know, Talen, you're getting good at that - I mean, you're even
frothing at the mouth...
"First of all,with the blessing of both her dad and my mom,Ucchan and
I wed 3 weeks ago,"added Ranma.
Talen: <Ranma> Not to each other, though. We're now Ranko Kunou and
Ukyou Kurenai. Which is why the Kunous are sort-of-not-here and
Tsubasa's suddenly back in town.
Genma,Tsubasa,Konatsu,and the Tendous
Boot: See, now, the Tendos are being kept away from the faggots' evil
influences. Don't you love Mike Rhea for providing this valuable
homophobic service?
Talen: Genma's gay?
Beagle: He'd have to be if he'd leave Nodoka without a lay for sixteen
years.
gasped in horror,but that was
just the beginning of the unfortunate news that was being inflicted
upon them.
Talen: As sort of indicated by the 'first of all' statement by Ranma.
"Second of all...,"added Ukyou."...since I lost my virginity to
Ran-chan 3 1/2 months ago
Boot: Oh, 10 will the hurting stop?!?
Beagle: If this keeps up, I'm 11.
Boot: Hey... that wasn't half bad.
Beagle: I stil hate you.
Boot: Just when we were getting along. I take it this is the 'sexual
dialogue'.
Beagle: WHAT?! That's IT?! Where're the sweaty descriptions of the wild
lesbian sex?
and have been sexually faithful to him since,
Beagle: Oh, yeah, this is pretty IC. I mean, she just bitchslaps Ranma
when he shows her CHEST WRAP off.
I'm just over 3 months pregnant with our first child."
Boot: I can see this fic's intended 14s.
Talen: Is Ukyou MEANT to be talking openly and honestly about her sex
life?
Beagle: I hope so.
"Additionally...,"continued Nodoka as she turned in the direction of
Akane.
Beagle: <Nodoka> Since Ukyou's being sexually faithful, I'm in need of
another Wild Lesbian Sex Partner. You up for it?
"...I wasn't the intended target of Ukyou's attack at the failed
wedding attempt,Akane.
Boot: ... okay, was Nodoka even THERE?!?
Talen: Look, look, look, calm down. This is clearly Rhea messing up
because of his total inability to read; it's eminently clear that he's
not READ the manga.
Beagle: Hell, could he spell 'manga'?
She was justifiably going after you,and I don't
blame her one bit."
Talen: This was brought to you by the Department of Tortologies Bureau
Organisation.
Beagle: The fact that if Ukyou'd been trying to hit Akane, Akane would
now be kibble?
Boot: Shhh... we're dealing with a moron like Rhea. Finding his own arse
in the morning is a challenge, let alone correlating information from
the manga...
"Lastly...,"
All: Woohoo!!!
added Mr.Kuonji."...though he wasn't present at the
'wedding,'
Talen: What's with the quotation marks?
Beagle: It's to indicate that they didn't get married, really, they just
had wild lesbian sex.
Genma Saotome,despite stealing the dowry,
Talen: And basically making the entire relationship possibly, without
whom, Ukyou and Ranma would have remained as nothing more than
friends... Hell, what a bastard...
helped make this
marriage possible a dozen years ago
Boot: Lemme get this straight - Kuonji's THANKING Genma?
Beagle: Right from the manga, just not for a Rhea fic.
..Ranma may have been too young at
the time;
Beagle: Kuonji's a ped?!?
All: >_<
but not only has he since realized how he was raised by a
gimp,
Talen: See, I told you I helped him. Look, look, see there - gimp. He
learned that from me.
Boot: I thought the words he would have picked up from you would be
'moron' and 'pathetic'.
Beagle: The point is that Rhea doesn't know what gimp means.
Talen: Yes... despite my explanation... a gimp's basically someone with
a disability, mental or physical. Rhea is a gimp. Genma is not. Baldness
doesn't count.
but also wishes you hadn't inflicted that dirty deed upon both
him and his eventual spouse."
Talen: <Genma> Drat! Drat! And double drat!
Beagle: <Mr. Kuonji> Wait a second! This isn't the REAL Genma Saotome at
all! <whips off mask> It's really the old guy who ran the amusement
park!
Boot: <Genma> Curses! Foiled! Villain Cliches! I would have gotten away
with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their stupid pig!
"Also...,"
All: WHAAAH!!!
Boot: Didn't we pass Lastly?
Dubby: Bugger this, see you at the end of the fic... this thing's never
gunna end... >_<
added Nodoka."...it's your fault that not only does Ukyou-san
cross-dresses,
Talen: Not only does she cross-dresses, she crosses jeans too.
Beagle: Trust me man - don't cross Levis.
Boot: How do y'make a maltese cross?
Beagle: Stamp on his toe.
but also that Ranma was too powerless
Talen: Too powerless. That's like God's too omnipotent. It's a
tortology.
to be a 'man among
men'
Beagle: Actually, he WAS within his grounds to be a man amongst men. In
fact, he did so, several times. I think the whole 'sento naked with
girl' thing helped that.
Boot: He was a girl at the time. Doesn't count.
Beagle: Hmm... wild lesbian sex with onna-Herb... <steams>
because you wrongly spoiled Akane.
Beagle: Leave her out of the fridge for half an hour, and now, look,
totally ruined...
Boot: Off like a bucket of prawns in the sun...
Now that he's re-trained with
both me and Ukyou-san,
Talen: What is he, some kind of puppy?
not only is he now a true 'man among men,'
Talen: I see. So now he'll be shagging Ukyou, Kodachi, Shampoo and
Akane?
I now
hereby invalidate his engagements other than to the one he has now
married."
Boot: <SNORT>
Beagle: Is it just me, or is this Nodoka not only hugely OOC but
amazingly SHIT OOC? I mean, real Nodoka I can handle-
Boot: 'cos she thinks you're manly...
Beagle: But I can understand some authors rewriting her character in
anime fics - since her character was largely hidden in the anime. But
removing an okay characterisation to replace with a shithouse one like
this...
"Additionally...,"
Dubby: Just an update... Lastly was TWO points prior...
continued Ranma."...thanks to secretly obtaining an
emergency supply of Nan-nii-chuan water the last time we were all at
Jusenkyou,
All: <laugh>
Talen: Oh, yeah, Ranma would SOOOO wait to use it.
Beagle: I mean, ripping open Happousai in desperation's NOTHING like
him.
Boot: He wants to stay a girl soooo much.
Talen: After the Wild Finnish Stunt Badger sex with Nodoka, wouldn't
you?
not only am I now fully cured,I'm won't ever change into a
girl again when hit by water!"
Talen: Not only is this fic really bad, it's pretty damn awful. Given
Rhea's habit for repeating himself and his habit for saying the same
thing twice, people not only don't like his fics, but his fics are
unpopular. Rhea himself has proven to be not just an unlikeable person,
but he's proven impossible to like.
Boot: He's given to redundancy and repeating himself, he's frequently
shown to do bad characterisation as well as write everyone OOC all the
time, he's outrightly embarrassing, and nobody wants to associate with
him.
Ranma then turned to his wife
Talen:<Ranma> So, Shampoo-
Boot: After you bitched out brewst for that one?!?
Talen:<Ranma> So, Akane-
(whom for over a decade,unaware of her
true gender,he mistook as a guy)
Talen: Still fits, if you neglect the time frame.
Boot: And hordes of Akane-lovers crowd around and beat the unholy snot
out of you...
and said "Ucchan,I know I should have
said this 12 years ago,but I love you more than okonomiyaki."
Talen: <Ranma> <thinking> Please don't let her ask about ramen...
"I love you too,Ran-chan,"replied Ukyou.
Boot: I take it this is the shock bit?
Dubby: ZZzzzzzzzzz
Beagle: Yeah. I'm shocked he hasn't repeatedly sodomized Konatsu with a
Colo- >_< I mean, a broomstick.
Tsubasa then immediately stormed out of the doujou in disgust.
Boot: ... why? He's after Akane.
Genma's
face turned very pale.
Beagle: Now his favourite little transvestite lust-ball had stormed out,
he'd have to go back to normal rutting with Nodoka.
Happousai,knowing that he'll have at least 1 1/2
less "pretty ladies" around,
Boot: Yeah, Ukyou's only half a girl.
Beagle: Whaddya mean?! The phrase '100% woman' mean nothing to you?!
Boot: She DOES wear the boy's school uniform - just because she WANTS
to.
passed out as if he were going through
serious withdrawal symptoms.
Talen: Insert Riff Here.
Boot: Think we're losing enthusiasm?
Beagle: 'cos we are. Rhea fics are bad enough, you try going through
them line-for-line. Sure, mocking is fun, but Rhea's such a gutless wuss
he'll never respond...
Then,as Nodoka(knowing that her son was now
truly a real "man among men" at last)
Talen:<Nodoka> Oh Ranma! <embrace>
Boot: <Ranma> Er, mom? I'm over here.
Talen: <Nodoka> Then who's this?
Beagle: <Happousai> <SQUEEZE>
Talen: <Nodoka> Ooh, how manly.
and Mr.Kuonji watched in
satisfaction
Beagle: He got some on the way over.
(and while Konatsu,Akane,Nabiki,Kasumi,and a now-powerless
Souun turned their heads and began sobbing),
Boot: Okay, I can understand this guy beating up on Akane and Soun. And
Konatsu's sort of in-the-ballpark, since he's pro-Ukyou. But why the
f'ck are Nabiki and Kasumi crying? Making Kasumi cry is just NOT ON! >_<
Beagle: Deep breaths, lad.
Boot: Kasumi-san wa kawaii desu!
Talen: But boring as a millwall brick.
Ranma and Ukyou Saotome,
Boot: Content in the knowledge that their incestuous marriage was now
hidden forever, did murder all the witnesses and run off to have wild
lesbian sex somewhere.
Beagle: That's my line.
knowing that they were several months away from parenthood
Beagle: They say that like it's a good thing.
(and also
knowing that Genma has been paid back for his dirty deeds),
All: <snicker>
Boot: That's just so scooby-doo.
engaged in a
very passionate kiss.
Talen: Passionately,briefly?
**Music:"Got To Get You Into My Life,"by Earth,Wind,and Fire**
Talen: Earth,Wind,and Fire were the slightly less popular band - they
were eclipsed when another band of a similar name but with THREE spaces
in their name turned up.
THE END
Boot: Thanks be unto god.
Beagle: Amen.
Dubby: Aaaaa--aaaaa--ameeeeen...
Talen: I'd do the sevenfold amen, but my nuts dropped a few years ago.
*********************************************************************
Dubby: Starlight... starbright... nineteenth star I see tonight... I
wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight... could you
wipe Rhea off the face of the planet?
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
All: Aaw, shit.
Talen: And here we thought we'd get off easy.
Boot: Sounds like Beagle.
Beagle: HEY!
As you may know,this latest fanfic was inspired by 3
other fanfics:
Boot: How would we know? He's never mentioned them anywhere else. Out of
respect for the authors concerned... they're deleted.
Additionally,this shockfic
Talen: SHOCK!? You mean that having an ending like EVERY. SINGLE. RHEA.
FIC. EVER. is a SHOCK?!
Beagle: Talen, stop talking like Shatner.
Boot: It was a shock, in that we didn't hear about Ryouga being married
to both Akane and Akari, and Tubsasa and Konatsu weren't shagging each
other either.
Beagle: I see. Not a comfortable mental image the second one, but the
first one has merit. Piggy-style?
has been written in
response to widespread Usenet insults directed at my fics(including an
inappropriate remark suggesting that I cut off my hands so I can't
write,which I don't intend to do as long as I'm on this earth).
Talen: Okay, then let me punt him into low earth orbit... THEN he can
cut off his hands.
Boot: I don't think he got it. He doesn't realise that he's a shit
writer.
Beagle: Or that nobody likes him on Usenet, which is why he's getting
the criticism.
Though I
originally came up with this concept fic while at work,
Talen: Instead of pilfering donuts from that fat bald guy in core
monitoring,
it was the recent
flames that encouraged me to get this idea onto a Notepad file.
Boot: This is Talen's fault?
Beagle: Looks like it.
<stuffed toys dive on Talen>
Dubby: You guys might do better if you had opposable thumbs. And
internal skeletal structures would help, too.
BTW,if
there are any Ranma characters that I treat like hot potatoes with
poisonous spikes,they are Konatsu and Genma because they truly deserve
it!
Talen: Mean, mean, mean Genma! How DARE he honour his word!
Beagle: Mean, mean, mean Konatsu! How DARE he fall in love!
Even if it means ending up becoming the first Ranma fanfic author to
do so,I honestly would not mind seeing Konatsu get killed off in a
Ranma fanfic;
Talen: We wouldn't mind seeing Rhea killed in real life... sadly, this
event is beyond us... remind me to write an Ukyou fic where she goes
nuts and shags everyone in desperation... when I'm old enough, of
course.
Beagle: I'll preread!
Talen: You're only like seven years old.
Beagle: So?! We stuffed toys hit maturity early!
because Konatsu/Ukyou is an even bigger no-no than Kunou/
Kodachi
Talen: <Rhea> Just cos i said! It's LAW! LAW!
Beagle: Reverse psychology, methinks. I'm feeling a need to write
Ukyou/Konatsu/Tsubasa and Kunou/Kodachis fics myself...
(No,I don't advocate incest anime pairings.)!
Talen: Despite the fact that it's plausible Ukyou and Ranma are related?
Also,I suddenly
had the urge,for the first time,write a pregnancy into my Ranma/Ukyou
romances
Talen: Romance my arse.
Beagle: Not again.
(though in the lemon "Take Me Out To The Bathhouse,"Ranma and
Ukyou ultimately conceived a child;and additionally either or both of
Ryouga's spouses have been pregnant in a few of my fics).
Talen: And every single one of them results in a berth.
Boot: That was bad. It doesn't even lead to a pun rant.
Talen: Oh, I dunno. For a period, I would tolerate Rhea and even try to
help him conceive of good fanfics; but since he has discharged abuse at
me, I feel no need to cervix those purposes, and now will engage in
making his life labourious...
Boot: Ewww!!! Stop that, right now.
As for those
people who desperately wish I'd stop writing anime fanfiction,
Talen: Present!
don't
bet on it,especially when there's always a shortage of Ranma/Ukyou
fanfics.
Talen: There isn't, funnily enough. I went through tass.org while I was
in my Ranting Ukyou Fanboy stage a while ago, and found shatloads of
'em. Mostly in the lemon section, of course, but they were all as shit
as this pile of drivel. Of course, finding Tarou in the same place is
hard as hell, and I can only find ONE, ONE, no less, Tarou/Ukyou fic.
Excluding flames,C&C are welcome.
Boot: Define Flames.
Talen: Oh, to quote Rhea: "If you disagree with me, I don't want to hear
it".
Beagle: Now define moron.
Talen: See Mike Rhea.
Beagle: Weeell done!
You can find more Ranma and Ukyou fanfics(by myself and other authors)
Talen: Other authors? You mean people associate with this compost heap?
on my page(the cabernet sauvignon of Ranma romance sites)
Talen: No. That would indicate that it's worth wiping my arse with -
which his page is sort of not.
devoted to
the Kenshin/Kaoru of Rumiko Takahashi fandom(seriously).
Beagle: ... Kenshin's a redhead.
Boot: Oh, so he advocates onna-Ranma/Ukyou pairings.
Talen: No, he advocates Mike Rhea/Ukyou pairings and just does a
find-and-replace before posting them to RAAC.
Boot: Hey, Talen - we're meant to put a line from the fic here now.
Talen: What? You mean we're supposed to reproduce this drivel?
Boot: Seems so.
Talen: Alright... I'll paste in the only line that didn't make me gag.
********************************************************************