--
On Mon, 21 Feb 2000 01:13:14 Ace Sanchez wrote:
< Insert Standard Disclaimer Here>
Okay title for now is Choices, yea kind of stupid but that all I can
think of at the moment. And C&C is welcome. Please C&C.
Remember, you asked for it! *_*
Yhea I know.
These are my opinions by the way - you don't have to agree with them.
But I'll consider anything you say.
But if you do, I'll give you 5 bucks .... no wait, all I got is some lint in
my pocket ^_^;;
I'll take the lint.
Prologue:
<It's over>, Ash thought with a grim smile.
Okay, one thing I don't really like seeing in fics is the use of symbols
showing that a character is thinking. It looks more ummm 'professional' if
maybe you do it like real novels do - yes I know some novels use italics to
denote thought, but a lot go without also.
For example. Here's how I would do the above sentence:
It's over. Ash looked around with a grim smile.
Or, you could have:
It's over, Ash thought with a grim smile.
You can treat thoughts just like normal vocabulary, you just don't have to
put speech marks on em ...
Sure I"ll fix it.
Around him were dozens of pokemon bodies scattered across the room. And
right in front of him was the boss of Team Rocket himself, Giovanni.
"Damn
you, why did you have to go kill yourself?"
"I was supposed to make you pay for what you did to my friends."
You didn't have to close the speech mark after 'kill youself?' The next bit
of dialogue is still Ash, so it should be joined together...
opps, my mistake.
He choked it out as memories came to him.
Maybe: He choked as the memories came back to him.
Maybe.
<First the bomb blowing up the Cerulean city gym, killing Misty, finding
out
it was Giovanni who did just to help his image by making a new gym that
he'll own, and everybody thanking him for lessening the pain caused by the
explosion, then he stole pikichu, turning him into some sort of deformed
monster, making me the instrument to put him out of her misery. >
Like I said with the thinking thing, no need with the symbols. People can
figure it out themselves...
Maybe, maybe not.
"Damn you to hell."
Ash again choking out the words, barely enough to make a whisper.
"Damn you to hell," Ash choked out again, barely enough to make a whisper.
Yours does sound better...
Suddenly
the monitor came to life, on it showed Giovanni face hidden behind
shadows.
Full stop after 'life.' Then start a new sentence. Or replace the comma with
'and'.
"After all this time, he still hides his face." Ash thought, laughing at
the
same time.
The full stop after 'face' should be a comma. Basic rule of punctuation ...
"Well if this video is playing then I must be dead. And by your hands boy.
Well congratulations for killing me." The recording said with no hint of
malice or insanity in it voice.
Again, comma instead of period after 'me'. And don't capitalise the 'the'.
It should read like this:
"Well if this video is playing then I must be dead. And by your hands boy.
Well congratulations for killing me," the recording said with no hint of
malice or insanity in it voice.
But that's also a bit wrong. This is even better:
"Well if this video is playing then I must be dead," the recording said with
no hint of
malice or insanity in it voice. "And by your hands boy. Well
congratulations for killing me."
I"ll consider it.
<snip>
Chapter 1:
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Ash screamed at the top of his lungs as he went face
first on the dirt road.
"Damn that's hurts." The young Pokemon Master got up and tried to place
his
surroundings. <Let's see now, its look like I'm on the road to Viderian
city, and the last thing I remember was helping Giovanni to his after
life.
Maybe my psychic abilities got me out? Probably not those only work when
I'm
really mad."
Hey, that speech mark should be a thought mark =P. But like I said, you
should really get rid of those thought marks ...
***
Flashback:
"Misty? Misty, where are you? Call out if you can hear me!" And then he
saw her limp body, her legs blowned off, her arms barley stubs, but her
face
was the worst of it all, half burned off allowing him to see her skull.
"No,
no, no, no, no, can't be, no, why? Missssssssssty!"
That when he his body became white, his eyes going though a vast
assortments of colors, first from blue, to red, to violent, then his eyes
closed, and he only mouthed the next words, "Solar Flare."
End Flashback.
Another thing that is grating but not necessarily incorrect is the use of
Flashback: and End Flashback.
In a story like this, you should somehow find a way to integrate it into the
story where it's obvious it's a flashback, but doesn't glaringly announce it
in bold letters. It's quite jarring really.
In the previous scene you could probably end with something like, 'Ash
thought back to when it all began.'
Then in the next scene do the flashback without the headers ... then at the
start of the next scene where the flashback has ended say something like:
'Ash shook his head at the memories.'
See what I'm getting at? Just try to smoothly make it obvious what you're
trying to do but without the flashback end flashback thingies ...
***
<Okay, scratch the psychic ability idea,
Full stop after idea amd start a new sentence. Doing it like you have is
kind of a run-on sentence and it isn't as nice to read...
wait a minute, now I remember,
something about a Time Machine? Yhea, that it, now what could the boss of
Team Rocket want to send me back to time for, you would think that he use
it
himself to kill me or something. > Then he looked up on to the road, and
gasped at the sight that his eyes have seen.
Maybe: gasped at the sight his eyes saw.
<snip>
. Then having a glimmer of hope, having
seen Pikachu been handed to him, which was quickly dashed, when he found
out
that Pikachu had a really bad temper, and the fact that Pikachu really
didn't liked him that much.
Now this is a run-on sentence. Try to break it up a bit.
By the way 'didn't liked him that much.' doesn't make sense.
didn't like, is what should be written (instead of liked).
<Yep today is not my day. > Then he saw a certain time traveling person,
How did he know the person time-travelled? These are young Ash's thoughts,
right? He wouldn't know. Only a narrater would know, but that's Ash who's
thinking up there.
I"ll work a bit better.
"My name is Ash Ketchum, what yours?" (Young) Ash, said to his
counterpart. "My name is um."<Let's see, what do I tell him, name, name,
name, Shingo Yabuki, no, um, Mikado Sanzane, nah, to royal sounding. So
what
I call myself? > "My name is Ranma Saotome (1)."< Oh yhea, like he'll
really
believe that. >
"Hello Ranma," Ash said with a smile, his newly acquired pokemon still
wrapped in a rope.
Ugh! I totally think that using a well-established name like Ranma Saotome
will really throw off your readers. It's not good practise to use names that
already come with a well-defined image with it. When people think about your
older Ash do you want them to think of an older Ash or a certain 16 year
old, pigtail, sex-changing martial artist?
There a reason, just forgot to put it in there.
Try to be a bit more creative. I dunno, make a name off the 'Ash' one.
Ashley, even would work. Or Asher or whatever ... as long as its original,
ya know?
"Hi Ash," 'Ranma' said with a forced smile, <Can't believe I fell for
that. >
"So Ranma, where are you going?" "Nowhere in particular."<Don't tell
me
what I think he's thinking. > "Well Ranma, since you have nowhere to go,
why
not come to Viderian City with me." Ash said with a hope that he won't be
alone on his pokemon journey.
Fix up all your mistakes with the dialogue punctuation .... comma instead of
full stop whenever you have something like 'XXXXX said' after it.
Before 'Ranma' can answer this question,
the question
young Ash's attention was
grabbed by the sounds, "pigdey, pigdey."
I'm pretty sure it's spelled, Pidgey.
Opps...
At the sound of the voice, young
Ash Ketchum pulled out his pokedex, opened it up and Dexter spoke out the
following message, "Pigdey the bird pokemon, it is a good starter pokemon
for beginning trainers." "Well I'm going to capture it,
capture it.
Then start a new sentence.
Also start a new line when different people talk. Yes, the pokedex counts as
a different person here ^_^;;
Pikachu, thunder
shock now!" Yet Pikachu did not hear him, or didn't care and just stood
there.
"Fine then, I get him myself." Ash scowled and did his trademark hat
thing, and threw a poke ball, at the pigdey, and caught him, then the
pigdey, got out of the poke ball and did a gust attack which knocked Ash
out
on his little tush.
Run-on sentence again. Try breaking it up (again).
"Owwww," and he promptly fainted.
"Great," Ranma muttered to himself, might as well take him to the
pokemon
center in Viderian City. Then he turned to Pikachu, and said, "Come on,
let's go.
And for some odd reason, the small pokemon felt to compelled to follow
him. It was like the pokemon knew him all her life.
So you subscribe to the 'Pikachu is female' school of thought =P
And so Ranma picked up
Ash and went to Viderian City.
Viridian City.
End Part 1
AN: Well some of you guys asked for this, and you got it. Though it not
very
good. And this time put honest to God, C&C for this please. This chapter
is
just to introduced 'Ranma', and Ash.
The plot is interesting, but like my suggestions above, I think it could
stand some improvement on how you tell the story. Also, future Ash should be
more helpful to his younger self. So far he really didn't do anything and it
just feels a bit off. He should be involved more somehow otherwise it will
feel almost exactly the same as the original Pokemon series.
Don't worry with 'Ranma' certain somebodies will antomactily know him, when he uses his abities.
That's my opinion! Hope you get some help out of it.
Don't worry I will.
*** Ace ***
http://jsa.users.fl.net.au
"How strange... It's wilting... Ha! Ha!" - Lilith
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
-
--
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'
MailCity. Secure Email Anywhere, Anytime!
http://www.mailcity.com