Crow and Tom were at the desk, talking quietly and motioning to a
red cylindrical object on the surface. Mike Nelson came in from the right,
reading a copy of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" as he walked.
Crow saw him, and said, "Hey, Nelson. Help me out here."
Mike stopped in his tracks and put the book on the counter. He turned
toward Crow and said, "What can I do for you, Crow?"
Crow motioned to the object on the counter. Mike picked it up, and saw
that it had a cross on the back of it. Crow replied, "I wanted to show
Tommy my new Swiss Army Knife! I just found it outside as I was cleaning
the hull of the ship!"
Mike opened up the knife, and Crow started his speech. "First you're
going to see the penknife," he intoned as Mike pulled out the appropriate
blade. "Then, it has a pair of tweezers, a corkscrew, a broadblade, a nail
file, a pair of vice grips,..."
Feverishly trying to keep up, Mike called to Crow, "What the heck else
can this have?"
"Ha, I just started! It has a divot tool, a watering can, a chisel, a
rotary saw... don't cut yourself on that, Nelson!" An amazed Mike Nelson
flipped a rotary saw up from the knife, complete with blade, as the yellow
commercial light went off.
"Uh... We'll be right back," Mike spoke towards Cambot as Crow
continued.
"...a big-ass spatula for battle, a pair of crochet needles, a garlic
press, a money clip, a baseball bat, a......"
***
Yes, it's another FFIRC Group MSTing! Enjoy! Previous collaborative work
by (more or less) the same group can be found at
<http://www.ryo-oh-ki.net/ffirc/projects/>.
Mike and the Bots are the creations of Joel Hodgson and Best Brains.
Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. "A Surprise Announcement"
belongs to Mike Rhea. All of these are used without permission or legal right.
This MSTing is intended for amusement, with no offense intended toward
Mr. Rhea.
***
Mike Nelson wiped a bead of sweat from his eyes, as various gadgets
completely covered the desk of the SOL, with a small red Swiss Army Knife
appearing as the nucleus. During this time, Crow T. Robot kept going.
"A food processor, a ball peen hammer, an air pump for your tires, a
hacksaw, an electric knife, a pair of mustache trimmers, a...."
The red light on the counter flashed, and Tom noticed it first. "The
Mads are calling, Mike."
Mike sighed his relief. "Thank goodness, the Mads are calling!"
***
In Deep Thirteen, Frank seemed to be wearing a reflective orange vest
over a pair of dungarees and a dingy T-shirt, along with a tool belt at his
waist. Dr. Forrester stood next to him in his customary lime-green lab coat
and an ever-present smirk.
"Ah, it's Michael Faraday and the electric wonders. Glad you could join
us today. We finally have another workable plan to take this world over,
and because we're so swell and like gloating, we figured we'd tell you about
it!!"
The denizens of the SOL looked decidedly doubtful. "Dr. F, you've held
us here for over five years trying to find a movie or fic to unleash on the
world. Hasn't worked yet," Tom said to the screen.
Dr. Forrester scowled and retorted, "It's only a matter of time...
anyway, on to the plan. I sent Frank up the nearest lightpole to install a
new sensor traffic light. It should be working as we speak."
"Sensor traffic light? What's so evil about that, Dr. F?" Mike inquired.
Frank took up the question. "Most sensor lights change when traffic on
one side gets heavy. Our sensor light changes like that too... to red."
Dr. Forrester spoke up again. "It's red all the way around, Nelson.
We plan to trap humanity in their cars for eternity! The only thing they
can do about it is honk in abject futility, while we are free to set up our
new Department of the Interior! Mwahahaha!"
Crow turned to Tom and Mike, and said, "I believe Dr. F needs a
vacation now. He's really taken a dive into an empty pool." Refacing the
screen, Mike imparted, "Dr. F, what happens if people just leave their
cars?"
Dr. Forrester looked stumped for a second, and consulted with Frank on
his left-hand side. After lenghthy whispering, Frank popped out of the
huddle and replied, "Well, we'll open a used car lot then. Dr. F and
Frank's Used Cars."
"And if we don't sell a car in the next ten minutes, we'll club a baby
seal. Anyway, Nelson, enough stalling. I found another piece of Michael
Rhea fanrant contrivances called 'The Surprise Announcement'. It's like
getting stuck in traffic and hearing the same ad on every single radio
station... wait, Frank, I have another idea..."
"Later, Steve! Let's see how this one goes first."
"Just get the fic!"
***
Crow, Mike, and Tom were going crazy on the bridge of the SOL.
"Oh no, it's fic sign!!"
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1]
Subject: [Ranma][FanFic] The Surprise Announcement
Tom: Three guesses as to what the announcement is about, and the
first two don't count.
Crow: <Mike> Surprise! I made another fanfic!
DISCLAIMER:None of these characters are mine,and no copyright
infringement is intended.
Crow: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Tom: And intentions are the mother of all necessity...
Mike: The following fanfic has been written by Mike Rhea and contains
scenes of Ukyou being excessively praised by Ranma and coarse
grammar. Viewer, Parental, and Akane Lovers Discretion is advised.
Tom: A suspension of belief is highly recommended.
This fic contains some sexual dialogue;but nothing serious.
Tom: One of those comedy lemons, then?
Mike: A grope here, a cheap feel there, no big deal.
Crow: Any occurrence of "shaft, mighty spatula, ohhhh baby or thrust
his purple headed warrior into her quivering mound of luv puddin"...
should be taken as attempts at levity and not a desperate cry for help.
As with many of my fics,I came up with this fic while
at work;though this fic was inspired by at least 2 other
fics(by other authors).
Mike: Yes, expect this one to have nothing but unadulterated praise for
the Ranma/Akane relationship while condemning that vile shrew Ukyou
Kuonji!
Tom: Mike has a JOB? That's a frightening thought. What do you
suppose he does?
Crow: <Mike Rhea> What with the nuclear plant not really at critical
or nothing... I figured what the hey? MMMmmmMMMmmm Ukyou in
a waffle iron....
This is my first attempt at a darkfic,so please be gentle.
Tom: As gentle as the average darkfic? Sure!
Crow: Aren't we always?
Mike: A gentle soothing touch of 'A SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT'!!!
"The Surprise Announcement"(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic),by Mike Rhea
Tom: <Mike Rhea> The surprise announcement is I've been a
huge Akane Fanboy all this time!
Crow: And here I thought he had the hots for Cologne....
******************************************************
Mike: At the dawning of time, during a failed attempt to create fire,
three sticks were piled on top of each other....and thus the scene change
was born!
Akane,Nabiki,Kasumi,Souun,Genma,Happousai,Tsubasa,
Crow: ....Jacob, Shapiro, Horowitz, Clark and Bippy.
and Konatsu were all gathered the Tendou Doujou.
Crow: <Akane> So ummm, where does he want this Dojo?
Mike: <Soun> Don't know... just keep gathering.
Crow: <Genma> Missed a spot.
Mike: <Kasumi> A little HELP here?!?
Tom: No, they were all gathered BY the Tendo Dojo.
They were all trying to make sense of a crisis that had struck them all
at the same time.
Crow: Menopause.
Tom: OH MY GODS, WE'RE IN A MIKE RHEA FIC!!!
NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Mike: We're all STUCK TOGETHER with no spaces!
It had been 4 months since another verbal confrontation between Ranma
and Akane blew Nodoka Saotome's patience.
Crow: And eight months since the lemon in which Onna-Ranma blew
all of Dr. Tofu's patients.
Mike: <Nodoka> You're unmanly, son! And you too, Akane!
<swish> <swish> Now, who's next?
Tom: <Nodoka> Ah, their words are nothing but hot air.
That fateful day(about 2 weeks after the failed wedding),she severely
criticized both Akane's brutal treatment of Ranma and her lack of
domestic skills.
Tom: Brutal treatment of Ranma is one thing, but how the heck
do you stop a lack of domestic skills?
Crow: <Akane> It's not my fault Emily Post won't return my calls!
Mike: <Nodoka> Akane, why can't you hit Ranma with a spatula like
a good wife would?
Additionally,she berated both her own husband and Mr.Tendou for not
only condoning it,but also failing to stop it.
Mike: <Nodoka> And you didn't stop her from cooking, I'm
lucky my son's still alive.
Tom: Wouldn't it be a more effective presentation if we actually SAW
these scenes, rather than have them recapped?
Crow: You WANT to see more of a Rhea fic?!?!
Immediately following that outburst,Nodoka not only stormed out of the
doujou in the direction of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki(carrying a couple of
backpacks),but also took Ranma with her.
Mike: <Nodoka> I know it's not the IHOP, but you gotta make do...
Tom: <Ranma> All right! LUNCH!
Not only have those 2 been missing since;but also,to
further complicate the matter,Ukyou has also been missing.
Mike: <Mulder> SCULLY! This is it... an aquatransexual, a psycho
retro dominated mother with a katana walk into a restaurant owned
by a transvestite with a massive cooking utensil and... ummm, on
second though, nevermind... it's pretty far fetched.
Crow: And also suspiciously, the fic has changed tense.
Tom: Hardly suspicious in a Rhea fic.
Mike: Ranma yearned to be 3 of responsibility and have wild 6
with all the cute girls at his school 4 the rest of his young life....
Crow: <Ranma> They'll all be 9! Oh yes, they'll all be 9!
In fact,Konatsu has been very suspicious about the matter;since on that
fateful day,just hours after both Nodoka and Ranma arrived at the
okonomiyaki-ya,Ukyou informed the drag-queen ninja that he would
no longer be needed anymore.
Tom: <Ukyou> I must... must fire the transvestite... wait... that's me...
must fire the OTHER transvestite.
Mike: I'm confused...if Nodoka got mad and stormed out, how did
Ukyou know hours in advance to fire Konatsu? She had a vision?
Crow: Anybody get the feeling the author isn't too fond of transvestites?
The following day;Ranma,Ukyou,and Nodoka all suddenly vanished.
Tom: If that's sudden, then I'm a Welsh corgi.
Crow: The day after that, Ukyou's and Nodoka's bodies were found in
the canal. Ranma was last seen stoned into oblivion in Bogota in
the company of a purple-haired woman and her great-great
grandmother.
Mike: Woah, man, colors...yeah, like mom and Ukyou were just like
standing in the way...Mistress Shampoo showed me the TRUTH, man!
Tom: Personal foul! Unnecessary semicolons, fifteen yards!
A sign at the door of the restaurant stated that the owner was "on
vacation indefinitely.
Crow: To find the missing quote mark.
"It wasn't until a couple of days later when Konatsu informed the
Tendous that the three were together the night prior to the sudden
disappearance(and has taken up temporary residence at the Tendous'
since)
Crow: In Akane's room, strangely enough.
Tom: The three are staying at the Tendou's? Then why are they missing?
Mike: DAMN, that's a long sign. Even Genma's aren't that verbose.
Tom: And you can cut the tenses with a knife!
Mike: Don't you mean 'tension'?
Tom: Nope. Mike messed up his tenses again.
;though Akane had been suspicious about it since the day after Nodoka's
outburst,when she noticed that both Ranma and Ukyou were absent from
their classes.
Mike: <Ben Stein> Ranma..? Ranma..? Ranma..? Ranma Saotome..?
anyone..? anyone... Ranma? Absent..? Ukyou..? Ukyou..? Ukyou..?
Tom: No matter how long and convoluted your sentences are, you *still*
generally need more than one to make a paragraph, Mike.
Tsubasa,on the other hand,wasn't aware of the crisis until last week.
Crow: Somewhere, all by it's lonesome... a lonely pine... scratches its
nether regions...
Mike: <Tsubasa> ...Huh?
Tom: Didn't Tsubasa give up on Ukyou anyway and chase after Ranma?
Though they were also similarly concerned,Cologne and Shampoo opted
to stay out of this.
Tom: <Cologne> So... ummm... you wanna bang the duck?
Crow: <Shampoo> Sigh... might as well... <pulls out a shotgun>
BANG!
Mike: <Shampoo> But, Great Grandmother! Shampoo love Ranma!
Tom: <Cologne> Quiet, child! No good can possibly come out of
this fic for us! We must be patient and wait until the end beckons....
Crow: <Shampoo> We no care who Ranma have sex with! Would be too
IC if did!
Mike: <Shampoo> Yeah, I'm getting sick of this scene anyway.
Tom: What scene? We haven't had an actual scene yet.
Hiroshi,Daisuke,Yuka,Sayuri,and Miyo were all similarly concerned also.
Tom: So all similarly concerned, in fact, that that's the last you'll see of
them in this fic.
Mike: Who the heck is Miyo?
Crow: Vampire Princess? Oh wait, that's Miyu....
Tom: Does Mike have to include *every single character* in these
recollections?
Mike: <Hiroshi> Gosh, I'm so concerned... so ummmm, Sayuri... you
ever do it with a secondary character?
On the other hand,the Kunou siblings,Tatewaki and Kodachi,were up to
their usual assumptions:that the pig-tailed goddess and "Ranma-sama"
were kidnapped and enslaved by the "evil sorcerer" Ranma and "the
pig-tailed harlot,"respectively.
Mike: Their father however, was convinced that it was all a gift
from the Great Pineapple... who came once a year, to kidnap all the
bad little boys and transvestites...
Tom: <Principal Kunou> Ey, da Kahuna don' care how dey dress,
'long as dey hair gettin' cut.
Crow: Listen in awe to the RECAP of 'The Surprise Announcement'!
Mousse,however,was probably the least concerned about Ranma's and
Ukyou's disappearance,since he knew that Shampoo wasn't with them.
Tom: <Mousse> After all, this ain't 'Purple Haired Destiny'!
Crow: So... one character is at least *close* to IC...
Mike: Rhea's Ranma universe is a snowglobe being watched by some
autistic kid...
A couple of minutes later,the mail had arrived.It was a postcard from
Ryouga,and Akane was the first to read it.What she read was not
encouraging:
Tom: Ryouga managed to find a mailbox?
Mike: <Ryouga> Dear Akane. Well, I've done it again. That
quick trip to the corner grocery store somehow turned into a harsh trek
into the Australian Outback. To make matters worse, this weird guy
with a jeep keeps following me and demanding to see the size of my
knife! I don't even have a knife! And don't even get me started about the
oversized bandicoot with the megaphone....Boy, I wish I was back home!
Oh well, give me a month or three and we'll see. Sincerely, Ryouga.
Crow: <postcard> Ha ha ha ha... You're stuck here!!
Ryouga had sighted Ranma and Ukyou together(holding hands,in
fact)entering a couples-only hot spring near Beppu just a couple of
weeks ago(when the eternal lost boy mailed the postcard).
Tom: Holding hands! Oh my, this really is a lemon!
Mike: <Ryouga> Now to mail this postcard about something I haven't
seen yet and OH MY GOD! I WAS right! They ARE going into a
couples only hot spring...
Crow: Has anyone searched & replaced Ranma's name with Mike's yet?
Mike: How embarrassing it would be if he sent them out without pasting
Ranma's name over his own?
Everyone that was present at the Tendou residence desperately hoped
that the info that they got from Ryouga was false.
Mike: <Soun to Ryouga> You can't HANDLE the truth...
Crow: Yeah, after all, Ryouga has such a track record for lying. And
Akane doesn't trust him at *all*.
Just a few moments later,someone knocked on the door.
Tom: Candygram for Mongo!
Crow: Land Shark!
Tom: Avon calling!
Crow: Who ordered the 50 mallets?
Mike: Finally! After half the fic taken up by exposition, the SCENE has
arrived!
Is anybody home,"inquired a familiar voice.
Tom: <Pee Wee Herman> AHHHHHHH!!! SALEMAN!!!
Crow: We would like a few moments to tell you about our God.
Mike: Have you considered the positive value of letting the Church of
Ucchan into YOUR life?
Tom: Kimiko, I thought you were dead!!!
Crow: Hey, that name's not canon.
Tom: Neither is this fic.
The entire Tendou family,as well as Genma,got very nervous upon
hearing the familiar voice of Nodoka Saotome
Crow: She had her new automatic katana... fires up to 30 blades a minute.
Mike: Happosai, Tsubasa and Konatsu, however, were unruffled...
Tom: One thing I'll say for Mike... never makes you wonder who's
present.
She promptly entered the doujou;and was followed by Ranma,Ukyou(who
not only was holding hands with Ranma and wearing a dress instead of
her usual boy-like okonomiyaki seller's clothing,
Mike: So, she's wearing sleeves for a change?
Crow: But she was cute NO MATTER WHAT SHE WAS WEARING!!
Tom: ARRRRRRGH!!!
Mike: Meanwhile, Ranma was wearing.... nothing, and enjoying it!
Crow: And just think, the sentence is NOT complete yet!
but also had a slightly protuberant abdomen that was of serious concern
to the Tendous as well as the drag queens)
Crow: So Genma and Happosai are drag queens now?
Tom: "Drag queens." I just love it when the omniscient narrator is
impartial.
Mike: She got fat! Oh no! We need some Slim-Fast, stat!
Crow: <Nabiki> Damn, there goes that Calendar shoot for the
"Girls Of Nerima '2000"!
,and an old bearded man in an okonomiyaki sellers's uniform who was
actually Ukyou's dad.
Tom: He made his fortune posing for troll dolls.
Mike: <old man> I am not!!!
Crow: Yay! The sentence ends!
Akane could have called Ranma a jerk on the spot,but didn't because
she had lost Nodoka's respect and support(and as a direct result,was
now powerless).
Mike: Just like she was completely powerless before she even MET
Nodoka, oh yes.
Crow: <Akane> Weakening... blacking out... losing power... Nodoka...
too strong... must have kryptonite... brassiere on... got to find... <gasp>...
SPOCK!
Tom: <Rhea> Maybe there's supposed to be spaces after commas?....naw.
Crow: <Akane> But yes! I still have the mallet o' chi that every
other terrible fic writer has given me!
Mike: This isn't a fic, it's a thesis.
"Attention,everyone,"said Nodoka."We have a very important
announcement.I'll now leave it to Ranma and Ukyou."
Mike: <Ranma> Anybody wanna buy a kid? Dirt cheap?
Crow: <Akane> You're SELLING a human child?
Tom: <Ukyou> No, a kid... there was an unfortunate accident at the
Spring of Drowned Billy Goat Gruff....
Crow: <Akane> Ewwwwwwe...
Mike: <Ranma> Exactly.
Tom: Hasn't that man ever seen a pregnant woman? A first pregnancy
does NOT show at less than 3 months.
Crow: <Ukyou> While Ran-chan was getting cured, I fell in the Spring
of Drowned Contrivance...
"First of all,with the blessing of both her dad and my mom,Ucchan
and I wed 3 weeks ago,"added Ranma.
Crow: <Ranma> It was a beautiful wedding, I wore whi... is Ryouga
around? Ahem... like I said, I wore white...
Mike: Ranma's been replaced by a pod..
Crow: <Ranma> We thought we'd come back here and twist the knife.
Tom: <Ukyou>We're sadistic that way.
Mike: Wow, Ranma and Ukyou getting married in a MIKE RHEA fic?
WHOA....
Genma,Tsubasa,Konatsu,and the Tendous gasped in horror;but that was
just the beginning of the unfortunate news that was being inflicted upon
them.
Tom: <Akane> I'm bored. Think I'll go upstairs and finish my
homework
Crow: <Mike Rhea> It's really, really horrifying. Take my word.
"Second of all...,"added Ukyou."...since I lost my virginity to Ran-chan
3 1/2 months ago and have been sexually faithful to him since,I'm just
over 3 months pregnant with our first child."
Mike: <Ukyou> And we're going to name it Michael Rhea Saotome!
Crow: <Ranma> She's two months pregnant with our second child
and one with the third. We decided to skip the fourth though, aiming for
the fifth in a week.
Tom: Sexually faithful? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mike: <Ukyou> Unless you count that fling with Mr. Yotsuya, and then
there was that time with Gendo Ikari... and the Dallas Cowboys...
"Additionally...,"continued Nodoka as she turned in the direction of
Akane."...
Tom: <Nodoka> You're a tomboy and Ranma hates you! Nyaah! Nyaah!
Crow: <Nodoka> If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it
against me?
Mike: When is this fic going to turn dark, pray tell?
I wasn't the intended target of Ukyou's attack at the failed wedding
attempt,Akane.She was justifiably going after you,and I don't blame her
one bit."
Tom: <Nodoka, after Akane's mallet flattens her> "Was I too harsh, dear?"
Mike: So, Nodoka's become Mike Rhea's personal avatar?
"Lastly...,"added Mr.Kuonji."...though he wasn't present at the
'wedding,'Genma Saotome,despite stealing the dowry,helped make this
marriage possible a dozen years ago.
Tom: <Ukyou> Dad! It was TEN years ago. I KNEW we shouldn't have
taken you out of the old folks home...
Crow: <Nodoka> Give him a hand folks, remember... Mugging...
Marriage... all start with M... a vowel, two constants and another vowel...
how's that for destiny?
Ranma may have been too young at the time;but not only has he since
realized how he was raised by a gimp,but also wishes you hadn't inflicted
that dirty deed upon both him and his eventual spouse."
Mike: Holy Cheesy Drivel, Batman!
Crow: Heh... I wonder what drugs they had to slip to Ranma to make him
this docile...
Tom: I never noticed Genma's crutches before....
Crow: It's "person who is disabled," okay?!?
"Also...,"added Nodoka."...it's your fault that not only does Ukyou-san
cross-dresses,but also that Ranma was too powerless to be a 'man among
men' because you wrongly spoiled Akane.
Crow: You left Akane out of the fridge TOO LONG!
Mike: <Genma> It's true! It's all true! I *just* don't *know* what's
*wrong* with *me*! Hey, are those mashed potatoes?
Tom: Everything is Genma's fault. That's all you need to know.
Crow: So therefore, Tsubasa and Konatsu are wholly blamed for being
cross-dressers... but Ukyou is excused on account of Genma.
Now that he's re-trained with both me and Ukyou-san,not only is he now
a true 'man among men,
Tom: <Ranma> Damn straight!...um....U-Uykou, dear? W...Was that too
loud, my beautiful, fragile angel?
Mike: The lesson? Hit your fiance with a spatula. Mallets just aren't manly
enough.
'I now hereby invalidate his engagements other than to the one he has
now married."
Mike: <Ranma> *whispers* I am a true Japanese man among men. I obey
mother in everything.
Crow: Married and still engaged? how quaint.
Tom: <Genma> Well I invalidate his marriage to Ukyou... what are you
going to do about that?
"Additionally...,"continued Ranma."...thanks to secretly obtaining an
emergency supply of Nan-nii-chuan water the last time we were all at
Jusenkyou,not only am I now fully cured,I'm won't ever change into a
girl again when hit by water!"
Crow: Geez, I love redundancies...
Tom: Additionally? Didn't we just pass 'Finally' recently?
Crow: <Ranma> Unfortunately, I did fall into the spring of drowned
'whipped son'.
Mike: <Ranma> I now change into...BIG JIM SLADE! The man with
the tool to satisfy any woman!
Ranma then turned to his wife(whom for over a decade,unaware of her
true gender,he mistook as a guy)and said
Mike: <Ranma> Mmph mmph mmph!
Crow: <Ukyou> You want us to loosen the gag?
Tom: <Ranma> I'm sorry, Ukyou, you're just not man enough for
me now.
Crow: <Ranma> Who are you anyway?
"Ucchan,I know I should have said this 12 years ago,but I love you more
than okonomiyaki."
Mike: <Ranma> But not as much as Bess so I'm leaving you.
Crow: NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR OR SMELL LIKE....
Tom: He had to use that line. Why? Why? WHY?
"I love you too,Ran-chan,"replied Ukyou.
Crow: <Ukyou> But NOT as much as okonomiyaki!
Tom: <Ukyou, pats her swollen belly> But if you EVER touch me again...
I'm going to make you an Eunuch among Men
Tsubasa then immediately stormed out of the doujou in disgust.Genma's
face turned very pale.
Tom: Yes! A paragraph that actually has TWO SENTENCES!
Mike: <Genma> You scared away my love! Come back, Tsubasa!
Crow: Moments later, Tsubasa threw himself in front of a bus, laughing
madly....
Tom: ....as Konatsu was being dragged at the end of it.
Happousai,knowing that he'll have at least 1 1/2 less "pretty ladies"
around,passed out as if he were going through serious withdrawal
symptoms.
Tom: Isn't that cuuuuuute? He's having a stroke!
Mike: <Ranma> NOW I AM the greatest Pervert of Nerima!
Crow: So... why would he even care, considering the three Tendos,
Ukyou still being there, and Nodoka to boot? And since when does
being married mean anyone is off limits?
Tom: Because the author doesn't like him, and wants him to suffer.
The same reason Ukyou's dad isn't being blamed for anything.
Then,as Nodoka(knowing that her son was now truly a real "man
among men" at last)and Mr.Kuonji watched in satisfaction(and while
Konatsu,Akane,Nabiki,Kasumi,and a now-powerless Souun turned
their heads and began sobbing),
Crow: What is his obsession with the word 'powerless'?
Mike: Ha ha ha ha! Crushing people's dreams is FUN!
Tom: <Nodoka> Ranma, you made Kasumi cry! Good for you!
Mike: Soun sobbing, there's something you don't see too often.
Crow: Nabiki sobbing... THAT'S something you don't see either.
Ranma and Ukyou Saotome,knowing that they were several months
away from parenthood(and also knowing that Genma has been paid
back for his dirty deeds),engaged in a very passionate kiss.
Crow: <Ranma and Ukyou's lips meeting> SPLOOSH! GARGLE
GARGLE... SLURP, SLURP, SMACK... Ahhhhhh....
Tom: The author's character biases are fulfilled; all's right with the world.
Crow: Hallefreakenlujah....
Mike: <Ranma> Let's make our kiss as tepid as this fic!
**Music:"Got To Get You Into My Life,"by Earth,Wind,and Fire**
Crow: As performed by a chorus of Jigglypuffs.
Tom: Wasn't that the Beatles?
Mike: Wow, the cheesy cover rather than the good original.
Tom: More like 'Got to get you OUT of my mailbox'!
THE END
Mike: Listen to it loud, listen to it often... and keep saying... it's over...
it's over... it's over...
Tom: THANK GOD!
Crow: No, it's not over. Now comes the author rant.
Tom: Oh no....
Mike: <Kuno> Begone foul Rant, I banish thee.
****************************************************
Crow: Mike Rhea once again makes an asterisk of himself.
Tom: It's a line of tribbles! And they're eating the fic!
Mike: The tribbles later starved.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:As you may know,this latest fanfic was
inspired by 3 other fanfics:Ukyou Kuonji's Onion Tears,Emperor
Stephen Schlueter's Kasumi Holds a Press Conference,and(to a lesser
extent)Jack Staik's Kasumi's Surprise(Special thanks go out to those
2 authors for writing those inspiring fics.).
Mike: <Mike Rhea> Jack Staik influenced me so much, I took his title!
Ha ha ha!
Crow: <Mike> And I tried to make my fic just as OOC as Staik's!
Tom: As we may know? How the hell would *we* know?!?
Crow: Why would we care?!?
Additionally,this shockfic has been written in response to widespread
Usenet insults directed at my fics(including an inappropriate remark
suggesting that I cut off my hands so I can't write,which I don't intend
to do as long as I'm on this earth).
Mike: Yes, everyone's been complaining about Mike writing terrible
fics, so he responds by... writing a terrible fic.
Tom: That's a heck of a response!
Crow: <Mike> For one, most of the comments were physically
impossible for me to do, at least without a goat.
Though I originally came up with this concept fic while at work(and a
few hours after reading Kasumi Holds a Press Conference),it was the
recent flames that encouraged me to get this idea onto a Notepad file.
Crow: <Mike> Yes, the flames drove me to Notepad!
Tom: Oh great, we're encouraging him....
Mike: Does your employers know how you spend valuable company time?
BTW,if there are any Ranma characters that I treat like hot potatoes
with poisonous spikes,they are Konatsu and Genma because they truly
deserve it!
Tom: <Mike> They just do! If I say it, it is so!
Crow: I'm willing to bet he has no idea who Konatsu even is.
Mike: If he dislikes them so much, why does he even bother having them
around?
Even if it means ending up becoming the first Ranma fanfic author to
do so,I honestly would not mind seeing Konatsu get killed off in a
Ranma fanfic;because Konatsu/Ukyou is an even bigger no-no than
Kunou/Kodachi(No,I don't advocate incest anime pairings.)!
Mike: Sheesh...
Crow: Oh, what DO you advocate, Mike?!?
Tom: Incest MANGA pairings, though, are fine.
Crow: First poor Konatsu should be raped, now he should be killed...
Mike: Think Mike's on a little bit of bloodlust here?
Also,I suddenly had the urge,for the first time,write a pregnancy into
my Ranma/Ukyou romances
Crow: Mike... suppress your urges.
Tom: And, oh lord, can you just IMAGINE the kind of characterization
Ukyou will get once she has a baby?
Mike: Madonna and child?
Crow: <Mike> And my next urge will be writing Ranma and Ukyou...
together! Hahaha!
(though in the lemon Take Me Out To The Bathhouse,Ranma and Ukyou
ultimately conceived a child;and additionally either or both of Ryouga's
spouses have been pregnant in a few of my fics).
Mike: Both? You go, Ryouga!
Crow: <Mike> Dammit, you should all know my fics by now!
My fics deserve to be memorized the moment they come out!
Tom: Aha, Ryouga's playing the field... or can't find the right bed
to sleep in...
Mike: <Ryouga> Are you my wife?
Tom: <Kun-chan> Shut up and fang me!
As for those people who desperately wish I'd stop writing anime
fanfiction,don't bet on it,especially when there's always a shortage of
Ranma/Ukyou fanfics.
Mike: If there's a shortage, writing the same one over and over won't help.
Crow: Well, with Rhea writing them, there's obviously a shortage of GOOD
Ranma/Ukyou fics.
As with any fanfic I write,comments concerning this spamfic(no
flames, please,you have been warned)
Mike: <Mike> And if you write a flame, I'll warn you again!
Crow and Tom: <gasp in astonishment>
Crow: Is t-that what I t-think it is....?
Tom: C-could it r-really be?
Crow: I-I think it is!
Both: HE PUT A *SPACE* AFTER A COMMA!!! WOO HOO!!!
can be sent to yours truly at ranma_ukyou@xoommail.com,
michaelrhea@hotmail.com, RanmaandUkyou@excite.com,
Yahzu-Nii-Chuan@lycosmail.com,or sasukesarugakure@altavista.net
Crow: Gods... Why does he have so many emails?
Tom: Maybe he thinks he's so popular, he needs five e-mails just to hold all
his fan mail....
Crow: So, are we done then?
Mike: I think so.
Tom: And the moral of the story? Ranma and Ukyou go together like oil
and water! Thank you and goodnight!
Crow: Don't be stupid! Ranma and Ukyou fics can work! They just need
more character development and more plausible plots!
Mike: And actual action, instead of a recap maybe?
Tom: Are you kidding? Ranma and Ukyou are as much a couple as
Golgo 13 and Kasumi! Every time somebody writes them in a relationship,
they have to use ridiculous levels of OOC to get them together!
Crow: Oh, quit exaggerating! Some fics have managed to do a decent
job of it! I'm not saying Takahashi intended for them to get together, I'm
just saying that with the right story, it can happen.
Tom: Yeah, it can happen....if you completely ignore reality!
Crow: Oh, get bent, fembot!
Mike: Guys, come on now. We've been through rougher fics. Besides,
I think Shampoo would make a much better choice for a relationship
with Ranma. I mean, she can cook, she can spar, she puts out, what
more could you want?
(Tom and Crow stare at Mike)
Tom: You're a small man, Nelson.
Crow: I'm deeply offended, Mike.
Mike: Oh, like you guys haven't thought about that! Don't make me
laugh!
Tom: I'll bet you like them barefoot and pregnant too, huh, Mike?
Crow: Come on, let's just leave him here. (Crow exits the theater)
Tom: Yeah, the smell of bacon in here is overwhelming. (makes oinking
sounds as he leaves the theater)
Mike: Hey! How come you guys get to be crude and I don't! That's not
fair! Guyyyyyys.... (Mike leaves the theater)
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7]
"Well guys, we made it through more of Mike Rhea," Mike trudged
up to the desk, letting Tom hover back behind it.
"Nelson, is it my imagination or does he just cut-and-paste his fics?"
Tom asked from the left.
"It certainly seems that way sometimes..."
"Guys, as concerned fic readers, what say we help this poor guy out?"
Crow inquired.
"How would we possibly do that?"
"Well, for instance, we can show him the importance of word order,"
Crow replied.
"Okay... you start then, Crow," Mike decided as he left the bridge.
"Well, for instance... how about we start with 'Ucchan,I know I should
have said this 12 years ago,but I love you more than okonomiyaki?"
Mike wheeled a large blackboard onto the bridge. On the board, there
were magnetized pieces of plastic with each word on it. Crow waited for
Mike to get into position, and said, "We can change the word order to 'I
love you more than okonomiyaki, Ucchan, and I should have said this twelve
years ago!'"
"Or, we can write it as 'I know I should have said 'I love you more than
okonomiyaki, Ucchan' twelve years ago.'"
"And don't forget Yoda order! 'Love you, more than okonomiyaki, yes.
Twelve years ago should have said!'" Crow called.
"Always in for public service, aren't you guys?" Mike said from his post
at the blackboard as the red light started flashing.
"Should we start on 'You're cute no matter what you wear?'"
***
Deep Thirteen looked like a destruction zone, complete with a sandbag
bunker. Dr. F and Frank both wore combat helmets and their "tank tops" to
try to fight back the crowd of people that were trying to gain access
through the door.
"How in the hell did all these people find us, Frank?!" Dr. Forrester
yelled over the din of the crowd.
"Well, on the traffic lights I wrote, 'In case of a problem, contact Deep
Thirteen Industries."
"Frank, you knuckleknob! Where did you install this light, anyway?"
"Detroit's lower East side."
"Duck!" A hail of bullets zinged around the two defenders, and one of
them, luckily enough, hit the button.
"Oh, poopie."
<<POOF!>>
Brought to you by the denizens of FFIRC:
MSTing body: Anand, Apollo_Racer, Bastion, BattlOhki, Brewst, Diese,
Fido, Gary, Hotaru, KaraOhki, Keener, Khammel, MageOhki,
Megane 6.7, Meimi, Nightman, Phil, Ronny, Ryo, Stormwalker, Talen,
Thomas, Tydripper, Zoogz
MSTing editing: Fido, Gary, Megane 6.7, Zoogz
Host segments: Zoogz
Invention idea: Zoogz
Final editing: Megane 6.7 and Gary Kleppe.
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