Vincent Seifert wrote:
<snip>
"It is only as powerful as the venom in your heart, and
for that, I congratulate you." The Lady Ishiki was a cat
{or perhaps} I salute you."
I dunno. The phrase 'I salute you' implies subordinance, and
I doubt the Lady Ishiki would even consider such a thing. 'I
congratulate you', OTOH, implies that the speaker is of equal or
greater standing than the person being addressed.
<snip>
"So you both know the story?" At their hasty nods, she
murmured, "Good. Then there's no need for two of you, is
{suggest} no need for one of you,
IMO, 'no need for one of you' is more confusing than the
original. I'd use something like:
At their hasty nods, she murmured, "Good. Then I only need
one of you, don't I?"
"Shukumaru, it is good to see your return." Raiha nodded
his lupine head in careful welcome. The comment seemed
sincere enough to Shukumaru, but then the demonwolf had
always liked her since the early years of her childhood. As
a child, she had alternated every six months between Tokyo
and Rashomon, and when she had come to the city, it had
{suggest, since it seems the emphasis should be on location
rather than
arrival} when she was in the city, {or perhaps} when she dwelt
in the
city,
I agree.
been Raiha who kept her company. Her father had never seen
the need to involve himself with raising a mere daughter,
and his presence had been lacking for the better part of
her three decades of existence: until now.
{suggest} existence-- until {or} existence... until
Yep. The colon is usually used for explanations and such (I
wish I remembered more of my English classes! :), and not for
situations like this.
Personally, I'd use the ellipsis. IMO, it adds more tension
than the '--' does.
<snip>
"Jakuten, accompany me," she commanded. The small, goggle-
eyed servitor snapped a few last orders to his staff and
hurried in her direction. Shukumaru left with him in tow as
she headed for the rooftop of the complex. It was quiet and
unused, and she erected her wards, few would be able to
perceive her presence, much less overhear their
conversation; especially with Yami-no-Tsume still away.
{I think I see what you're trying to say here, but it's
muddled; how
about}
It was quiet and unused; once she erected her wards, few would
be able
to perceive her presence, much less overhear their
conversation,
especially with Yami-no-Tsume still away.
I agree; it's much clearer with the latter.
A gentle, late afternoon breeze gusted across the flat
gentle late-afternoon (?)
Could go either way, although my preference would be for the
'late-afternoon' construct.
<snip rest>
Good stuff - Vincent caught most everything I'd comment on,
so I figured I'd C&C his C&C and show my opinions that way. :)
I'm interested in where the Nodoka bit is going to go, too... and
I what I think you're aiming towards is really what you've got
planned, then this is gonna be a wild ride. :)
Very nice work; keep it up!
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org