Vincent Seifert wrote:
Yay!
Earlier chapters may be found at:
Yup. I'll alter this bit.
The following people have been kind enough to create a page
to host my fanfics, so please take a look:
Vincent Seifert:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/kagami/
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You can contact me at: kagami@jeack.com.au
The tender portion of the hiker was still fresh and
slightly salty. There was little fat, typical in the
Japanese, and years of constant exercise in the mountains
had firmed the flesh nicely. Shukumaru cracked the
thighbone and sucked out the rich marrow with relish. She
tossed the hollow remains to join the pile of loose broken
bones behind her.
{This is very IY. It's remarkable to some how gruesome Inu-Yasha is for
a manga targeted at mid-teens, but Japanese folklore is quite gruesome;
as gruesome as, say, Grimm's Maerchen before they were toned down...}
Grin. I loved Grimm's Fairy Tales with all those body parts flying
everywhere. :)
I suppose that without the Ranma cast around - and only Genma and Nodoka in
their younger days - I've drawn more on Inu-Yasha as a background for the
story. Only Takahashi-sama can inject humour and 'cuteness' into what is
obviously a horror story, and since I'm not that adept, I focused mostly on
the gruesome aspects.
Besides, I love using strong opening scenes that set the tone for the rest
of the story and draw readers in; you'll note this in just about every
single past chapter.
affinity for attracting demons of note. Rashomon was the
current domain of a noble demoness from a powerful and
influential bloodline - the Lady Ishiki, Shukumaru's mother.
{suggest} bloodline: the
Nods. Will do.
intruders. The occasional solitary wanderer or hiker who
entered the wilds conveniently vanished without a causing a
without causing
Gah. You know, I read over this section about four times, and still missed
it. Sigh.
great deal of uproar.
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 8a: Shallow Lives
{Is the title of Chapter 8b "Deep Souls", perchance?}
Heh. But demons don't have souls. :)
Actually, you'll note I've refrained from using any references to souls when
I've described any of the demons. Ranma, of course, does have a soul, but
only because he's half-human.
"It is only as powerful as the venom in your heart, and
for that, I congratulate you." The Lady Ishiki was a cat
{or perhaps} I salute you."
Hmm. On reflection, I find myself preferring a four-syllable word. :)
Seriously, I think 'congratulate' fits better into what I was trying to
express there.
of stored anger. "Mother, why did you and Father name me
so? He barely sees me as little more than a bargaining
He barely sees me as more {or} He sees me as little more
Much better. Will alter.
chip, to be traded away for concessions. Why name me as
'Perfect Destiny'?"
me 'Perfect
It's the little things, I swear. :)
Lady Ishiki seemed reluctant to answer her query, the
first time that Shukumaru had ever seen her mother
hesitant. Finally, her mother shook her head regretfully
and said, "It was not my decision. Your father chose your
name when you were merely a curve here." She touched her
lower abdomen. "He expected a son, you see."
{Ouch.}
Yup. Just one more humonguous straw on the cat demon's back, so to speak. :)
"Yes, Mistress," Jakuten responded. "The story is on the
fifteenth page, Shukumaru-sama." He presented her with a
copy of Asahi Shinbun. Shukumaru unfolded the Tokyo morning
newspaper and read the small article therein:
'High School Student Dies in Gas Explosion.
'Hikaru Gosunkugi, aged eighteen, perished last night
after an explosion in his apartment. The resultant fire was
kept confined by the quick actions of the Aoyama Fire
Department, and no other residents of the apartment complex
were injured. The high school student was believed to have
returned from the wedding of his older brother that very
night. His family was devastated by his sudden loss and
remains in seclusion. Fire officials and police suspect a
gas leak may have been the cause of the explosion. He was
respected by his peers and teachers as an excellent
student.'
{I'd format the article as a block indent and omit the quotes, but up to
you.}
I was thinking about this, but I wasn't sure how it would appear on the
server; previous experience with using indents has shown me that it has a
tendency to appear really warped when posted. This is why I never use
paragraph indents now.
I agree it would definitely look better and more official in the way you
suggest, Vince. I might give it a try and see how it turns out.
"Bah! What do I care? As if Yami-no-Tsume is ever around
to overhear us these days? Or rather Ansou, as he's calling
days!
Right! :)
"So you both know the story?" At their hasty nods, she
murmured, "Good. Then there's no need for two of you, is
{suggest} no need for one of you,
I think Brian's suggestion reads the way I wanted to say it originally; just
couldn't find the words to convey my intent: "Then I only need one of you,
don't I?"
there?"
"Y... Yes, Shukumaru-sama," the surviving oni quavered,
dropping to all fours and performing a servile obeisance.
{Is that like groveling, or genuflecting? :) }
Groveling, definitely groveling; Shukumaru doesn't see herself as the second
coming of Christ... at least, not yet. :)
"Shukumaru, it is good to see your return." Raiha nodded
his lupine head in careful welcome. The comment seemed
sincere enough to Shukumaru, but then the demonwolf had
always liked her since the early years of her childhood. As
a child, she had alternated every six months between Tokyo
and Rashomon, and when she had come to the city, it had
{suggest, since it seems the emphasis should be on location rather than
arrival} when she was in the city, {or perhaps} when she dwelt in the
city,
Yup, this scans much better. Thanks.
been Raiha who kept her company. Her father had never seen
the need to involve himself with raising a mere daughter,
and his presence had been lacking for the better part of
her three decades of existence: until now.
{suggest} existence-- until {or} existence... until
Nods. Dunno what I was thinking here.
"Where is my father? I would have him know I have arrived
in accordance to his command." She kept her voice steady,
in accordance with his
Okay.
betraying no interest in his whereabouts, but it was a
difficult struggle. Ice, she reminded herself, was the
cornerstone of her new existence.
"Ah, you have just missed him then. He has left to pay a
him, then.
Gah. Comma mistakes - thought I was over them. :)
The Thunderbeast did not seem inclined to be forthcoming.
It was time for a direct attack. "Come, Raiha, you hardly
need to dissemble with me. Why not simply tell me about his
latest mistress? You know I'll learn it from another source
anyway. This way we shall both save time and demon lives,"
{suggest} I'll eventually learn {or} source sooner or later anyway.
Nods. Will fix.
Shukumaru said, keeping a light smile fixed in place. "Now,
where is he?"
"You are your father's daughter," Raiha said at last,
reluctantly. A note of regret tinged his voice, and
Shukumaru was left unsure whether he meant it as
compliment, insult or warning. "Very well, then. You may
find him in Nerima."
{Nicely depicted nuance here for Raiha. Applause.}
Thanks. It's surprisingly hard to write good nuance. I find myself
re-reading the Masters - Kay and Bujold - just to see where it's done.
Her shield was barely up when the front door opened. The
young woman who appeared was fairly attractive, Shukumaru
acknowledged; just out of her teenage years. She had pearly-
white skin, distinctive features, and long black hair that
{"distinctive" how, exactly? It's a pretty good bet she looks a lot like
onna-Ranma, though not as athletic... what I'd like to see here is some
sense of how Shukumaru sees her, though.}
Nods. I'll expand this part.
curled ever so slightly. Still, those alone would hardly
have attracted her father. Only one thing would draw him
so, and Shukumaru remembered the overheard conversation
between him and the Old Woman. A son, that was what drew
him. The woman was laughing with warm amusement and delight
at something her father said as he followed her out from
the house.
{I think manners would require that she lead him to the door (assuming
it's her house, which seems likely) and then follow him outside, but I'm
not sure...}
Yes, very true - I'll add a sentence that makes this clear.
"Ansou-san, I must thank you again for what you
accomplished on my behalf with the city council. Without
your help, I would never have known what to do. Why my
Why, my
I'll get this right, eventually.
house might have been lost to those greedy contractors."
She flashed a bright smile at the man standing next to her.
"It would have torn my heart to see my family home torn
{suggest} broken my heart
Nods.
down for apartments. I am in your debt."
Shukumaru sighed at the obvious ploy; her father really
did lack originality. Undoubtedly, he had employed one of
the subsidiary companies to attempt a buy out of a heavily
buyout
Nabiki would have known the correct term, I'm sure. :)
mortgaged property. Then he could appear and save the day,
winning the woman's gratitude. How banal.
{Banal or not, it works. :) It would be amusing if this attitude
resulted in a tendency on Shukumaru's part to choose the flashy over the
functional, and she lost because of it...}
Well, she does tend to prefer the dramatic over the practical in the
present. To her, practical without style doesn't count. :)
Shukumaru tried not to feel sickened but failed. Morbid
humour and distaste turned her mind liquid, until she could
almost see the shimmering pulse of anger that threaten to
threatened
Yup.
sweep over her at this mockery of her pain.
A shout distracted her from brooding. "Nodoka-chan! I'm
here! Let's go on our date!" It came from a young man who
pelted up the street and skidded to a halt before Nodoka
and Ansou. Thick black hair loosely flowed over faintly
chubby features. His body was slightly heavy-set, with the
strong muscles of a body-builder or a martial artist,
though still a little pudgy from teenage fat. Shukumaru
straightened her posture with some interest: he looked
fairly appetizing.
{heh. Nice choice of adjective. :) }
Much has been made of panda steaks, but demons don't like pandas. :)
Nodoka looked somewhat torn between humour and annoyance.
She smiled faintly and politely introduced the two men.
"Makizoku Ansou, meet Genma Moroboshi."
{Oh, dear. :) }
I guess this idea has been percolating in the back of my head for some time
now; I was just worried that someone had already used it before. As a side
note, this continues my little in-joke of using items from previous
Takahashi manga. :)
Devil Hunter Kodachi is the only obvious standout - perhaps Takahashi-sama
was a consultant? :)
"Go where? I don't remember anything about a date,
Genchan." Nodoka looked confused and somewhat worried.
Gen-chan." {?}
I know. It's not systematic with No-chan and Genchan, but I've been using
Ranchan all this time, and I wanted to draw the parallel - and Nochan looks
awful. :)
"What?! But I was sure I told you.... Lessee, came home
from practice, had dinner, talked to Soun, talked to Ataru,
{"Ataru?" Um... this cannot possibly be a coincidence. :) What relation
is Genma to Ataru, and what's the degree of crossover occurring here?
How do the timelines fit? I suppose UY could be set in the late 70s...
if memory serves, the manga ran from 1978 to 1985.}
Nods. This occurs just before the start of UY; Genma is Ataru's older cousin
by around five years and much less of a pervert, but still strongly
influenced by the latent Moroboshi genes. :)
went to bed-- Ooops. Ow!" Genma clutched his head where
Nodoka had clouted him. He rubbed at the sore spot and
contrived a dejected expression.
"Genma, you idiot! How am I suppose to know if you don't
supposed
Sigh. If only the grammar checker on my Word was working, these things
wouldn't happen.
bother to call?"
"Really? You promise?" At her brief nod, he threw up his
hands and shouted, "All right! And this time, No-chan, I
promise you I'll see what colour they are! Tomorrow then!"
Tomorrow, then!" {heh! I really hadn't thought of Genma as a teenaged
lecher, but I suppose it's possible, if Nodoka's apparent tastes at the
time we meet her in Ranma 1/2 hadn't changed from when she was
younger... she must have found SOMEthing about him appealing.}
Yup. Nodoka actually likes Genma's younger cousin even more, but considers
him too young for her. :)
Of course, it's actually Nodoka who pushes Genma into training with
Happosai, in the hopes of increasing his nature, but things never turn out
as planned, and Genma becomes even less of a pervert after seeing the end
result of his path as embodied in the ancient master. :)
"Idiot! Better not let me catch you chasing other girls!"
Nodoka shouted after him, an embarrassed flush staining her
cheeks. She did not seem particularly displeased though.
displeased, though.
Commas... they should get rid of these things from the English language. :)
"Hah! No chance of that!" Genma yelled back, before
disappearing around the corner.
{No chance of chasing, or no chance of being caught at it? :) }
Exactly! :)
"Of course, Nodoka-san. Let us be off then." He held out
off, then."
Excuse me, I'm off to the comma-shooting range. :)
"Once upon a time, there lived a young king in a faraway
land. The king was truly beautiful, fair of feature and
strong of limb. Many said no other, man or woman, could
compare and called him the fairest in all the land. His
parents, too, made much over him as he grew and indulged
him. When the king came to the throne, unexpectedly, and at
a youthful age, he immediately sought a bride to rule by
his side. He had only one condition: his queen should
surpass his beauty.
{Why does Hotohori spring to mind? :) }
I did have him in mind when I wrote this parable. :)
other would see his bride-to-be beforehand. At last they
came to the Mountain and many in the royal party despaired
for the peak was a pinnacle that pierced the very heavens.
despaired, for
"Another round of bullets, please."
"That'll be seven dollars, Sir."
"Heh. Cheap at twice the price."
"Jakuten, accompany me," she commanded. The small, goggle-
eyed servitor snapped a few last orders to his staff and
hurried in her direction. Shukumaru left with him in tow as
she headed for the rooftop of the complex. It was quiet and
unused, and she erected her wards, few would be able to
perceive her presence, much less overhear their
conversation; especially with Yami-no-Tsume still away.
{I think I see what you're trying to say here, but it's muddled; how
about}
It was quiet and unused; once she erected her wards, few would be able
to perceive her presence, much less overhear their conversation,
especially with Yami-no-Tsume still away.
Much, much better. Thanks, Vince.
A gentle, late afternoon breeze gusted across the flat
gentle late-afternoon (?)
Likely so.
"Sir? The hyphen-shooting gallery is right next door, if you would care to
step this way."
roof as Shukumaru stepped outside, followed by Jakuten. Her
senses showed no other presence besides them, and she
invoked the seal to cover them in silence and stealth. "You
met with those I asked you to seek out then, Jakuten?"
of his avian cousins. They were Shukumaru's lieutenants,
commanding her horde of minor oni and directing the birth
of more of the evil ogres. Nameless and unranked, for now,
unranked for
"Hmm. No thanks. I still need a little more practice here."
they sat with quiet enjoyment, welcoming the occasion to
sit with demons of higher stature. Her plans would give
them the chance to advance their rank or fall in battle,
and that opportunity contented them well enough.
On the opposite side of the table was a trio of spider
demons. Brothers, one and all, they took their names and
Brothers one {nice turn of a disused phrase}
"All for one, and more for me!" :)
This would be funky for a trio of cat demons - The Mouseketeers!
powers from the elements of nature.
"To change!" Shukumaru toasted.
Splendid. We've met some of her followers already, of course... and this
And several are already dead. :)
meeting is well-depicted, echoing the gruesomeness of the chapter's
beginning and maintaining the Inu-Yasha flavor that first called this
tale to my attention. Just keep on going as you are; this is good stuff.
Thanks, Vince. I'm glad you're enjoying the ride.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Thank you for the helpful remarks. :)
Phil.
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.
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