Whew. Just pushed a project out the door, and am rewarding
myself by doing some C&C.
Waitaminute... rewarding?
D'oh! :)
Yaukza. Triads. They're no better than any other sort
of scum on the
face of the planet. They sell dope, they run numbers, they pimp
whores,
everything other organized crime syndicates are famous for.
People here just
pretend not to notice.
I watch from the shadows, watch as their street-level
thugs roam the
city. I watch as a haggard-looking salaryman motions to an
ordinary-looking
guy, clasping hands as if in greeting, which doesn't draw the
attention that
it should. None of the wage slaves on the sidewalk seem to
notice as a tiny
white vial is exchanged for a roll of yen. The two exchange a
few words and
go about their business, one peddling poison and another headed
home with
his fix.
I've watched shit like this for years. I watched as
they killed the
kid's mother. I watched as they torched his home, as they beat
him for
confronting them. I watched as his pop told him that it didn't
happen, and
that it had all been an "unfortunate accident".
A couple years back, I got tired of watching.
A couple of years back...
And might I say, DAMN nice opening! :)
That night, ten years ago, was my birth, my baptism by
fire. I guess
This read... odd... I'd suggest:
That night ten years ago... my birth... my baptism by fire.
Also, just before you stated 'a couple', which is two, but
here you say ten. :)
you could call me the kid's release valve. By himself, he
wouldn't have a
chance in hell of seeing justice done. That's why he has me.
I glance at the luminous face of the watch, one I
filched from a
pusher a few weeks back. I'm sure he would have wanted me to
have it. Twenty
minutes, more than enough time. I release the button, the face
of the watch
going dark as I prepare to spring.
Time seems to stand still as I sail through the air,
the people
below going about their business as I hang weightless in space.
After an
eternity of seconds, my feet hit the rooftop across the way. I
don't even
stop to breathe before sprinting to the next leap. It's time
for the hunt to
begin.
Roofhopping, anyone? :)
=========================================
The moon rises in the infinte darkness above, a pale
sliver in the
typo: infinte --> infinite
night sky. Some of the streetlamps are busted, what few left
struggling to
hold the night at bay. This is one of the more destitute
sections of the
Suggest:
Some of the streetlamps are busted; what few remain struggle
to hold the night at bay.
city, one of the places you don't see or hear about.
Urbanization wasn't all
it was cracked up to be, and everyone seems to deny it.
The street guys have more freedom here, and it's easy
to see why.
The buildings are much less pretty in this part of town, almost
crying out
for an overhaul, or a wrecking ball. Cops won't even come here,
probably
because this is the end of the local gumi's turf. Another
narawabi shares a
border right close by, and fights break out all the time. It's
not a real
nice place to live, as if the people here really had a choice.
Nice description. I'd place the last sentence on a line on
it's own, though, like so:
... fights break out all the time. It's not a real nice place
to live.
As if the people here really have a choice.
It's a place where you'll find dope more easily scored,
hookers more
blatant in peddling their wares, and violent crimes more
frequent. It's also
where I'm gonna find my next targets.
I lovingly stroke the cold metal of the Benelli M39
pump-action
sawed-off I keep tucked away. This thing's a monster at close
range, and I
intend to get very close. The leaf blades are strapped to my
stomach beneath
the coat, with an entire arsenal of other blades and spare ammo
for the
shotgun and Sig tucked away in the sleeves. That hidden weapons
trick the
kid picked up in China turned out to be right handy, even if
the guy he
learned it from was a bit daft.
I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this....
<snip>
The door opens silently, darkness greeting my eyes as I
step in.
Nobody's in the shadowed utility room, the muted noise from
upstairs helping
mask my presence. They don't know I'm here, and that suits me
fine. The
longer I can go without breaking out the Benelli, the better. I
never liked
running gun battles, having survived my fair share of them.
Besides,
homegrown meth labs tend to explode when sparks hit the air.
Just saw a spot on that on the tube the other night... yes,
they do. Biiiiggg boom...
<snip>
Harsh light spills out from the gap at the bottom of
the doorframe,
the sound of voices and thundering music sounding like a
twisted beehive.
They make their toxins in their, mixing chemicals in a
haphazard lab to
sp: their --> there
create the drug known as crystal meth, another form of cocaine.
Why anyone
would want that shit up their noses is beyond me, but that's
not important.
The important thing is to get in there and shut it down.
The door is the only way in, with maybe five people
beyond. I can
take them out in one go, before they even realize the danger. I
just hope
none of those morons tries to fire a gun in there. The last
thing I need is
to get blown into wet chunks.
The door explodes off its hinges with a well-placed
kick, the frame
splintering with a loud crack. Five people, each of them
looking up in dumb
shock as I throw my arms outward. Each blade is tipped with a
quick, and
lethal, poison, guranteed to put them down quick and hard. The
thin knives
Sp: guranteed --> guaranteed
Suggest:
Each blade is tipped with a quick, lethal poison, guaranteed
to put them down fast and hard.
find their marks, embedding themselves into the soft flesh of
the targets.
Within seconds, every one of them is on the floor, either dead
or quickly
dying. On a table is an open briefcase stuffed with yen. Time
to make a
withdrawal and...
After only a few steps into the room, I feel the eyes
on my back.
Looks like I didn't get them all. The knife leaves my hand as I
spin,
hitting the remaining man square in the throat. That
oughtta.... oh, FUCK!
I dive behind a table, knocking it over to form a
shield before
landing. The report of the small handgun is lost in the roar of
the
flammable chemicals bursting into violent flames. Friggin'
idiot just HAD to
use a piece, didn't he? Well, street thugs were known for
brawn, not brains.
The cloying smoke is starting to burn my eyes as the
heat keeps
rising. It won't be long before the whole damn building becomes
a huge barbecue.
"SHIT!" Must be one of the guys from downstairs.
Another one shouts, "SAVE THE MONEY!" I agree. I leap
out from
behind the table, charging toward the toppled case. I see the
shadow of a
man running toward me, and a backhand puts him out cold. No
need to waste
him, the fire'll take care of that.
Some yen spilled out of the black briefcase, but that
doesn't
matter. I can live without a few measly bills. I snap the case
close, the
smoke is really starting to bother me, and make a dash for the
nearest
This last sentence just doesn't feel right. Maybe:
The smoke is really starting to bother me as I snap the case
closed and make a dash for the nearest window.
window. Time to beat a hasty retreat.
===========================================
The house is burning quite well now, the harsh glare of
the leaping
flames banishing the night for nearly a block. The fire trucks
have arrived,
spraying jets of water in an attempt to extinguish the blaze
before other
buildings are endangered. A wasted effort, if you ask me.
Burning this
hellhole to the ground would only increase the property value.
OUch! Rather harsh, that... :)
I haven't bothered to count the spoils of this little
war, I'll have
time for that later. Now, I just need to stash all this crap
and get some
sleep. The kid's got a test tomorrow, and he's gonna feel bad
enough as it is.
Now I've got a REALLY bad feeling about this...
<snip rest>
Well, damn. This has some SERIOUS potential... ooh. I like!
One thing I noticed near the start of the fic (it got better
as I went along) was that you seem to have had a hard time
staying in the proper tense. This seems to be first-person
present-tense, but a few lines were past-tense. No real biggie,
but you might want to watch that. :)
Great work!
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org