Jed M Bidwell wrote:
<SNIP Bio>
I have to admit, this fic surprised me. Now, I don't know much about
Sailor Moon (read: ANYTHING), but I am very familiar with the Guyver. That's
probably what kept me from getting lost, sort of. Anyway, here's my 2 cents
worth.
<SNIP>
Molly Naru, age nineteen, was sick of it.
Is it really necessary to give her age here? People who watch Sailor
Moon would know how old she is, I guess.
Actually it gave the timeline for the story since Molly was 14 in the series.
For some reason instead of Beryl being defeated, the attacks just went on and
on for five years with no respite. However, the information could be worked
more smoothly into the story.
<SNIP>
You idiots! She wanted to scream. Don't you think that there might be
Don't capitalize "s" in "she" there. She's thinking "You idiots!",
and the "she wanted to scream." is part of that. As it is now, it sounds
like the narrator is saying "You idiots", and then saying that Molly wanted
to scream.
<SNIP>
That had been no good.
May I recommend "That had done no good", or something along those
lines? To me, it would flow better.
<SNIP>
Why?
Why?
Why?
Take out those other three "Why?"s.
"Hey Moll." Said the shoe's owner, a pretty blond haired coed with her hair
in a most peculiar hairstyle.
When writing speech, end the character's line with a comma, and
don't capitalize the following word, unless it's a proper noun or a name. In
the case of questions and shouts, however, use the proper mark, but still
don't capitalize the next word after the quotation.
<SNIP>
"Positive." Serena said. "We even asked Pluto. I'm sorry Molly, there is no
Sailor Sun, Earth, Asteroid, Comet, Cosmic, Red, or anything like that. None
of us had a sister back during the Silver Millennium. Nothing."
Heh. From what I know of SM fanfics, these are some of the names
used when authors introduce new Senshi. I like the fact that you slipped
something like this in.
It's a pet peeve of mine that with crossovers there so frequently is that
unnecessary Silver Millenium connection. Surely we can produce kick-ass
people in the modern day.
<SNIP>
"And so, we commend the body of Melvin Umino to the earth. Let us pray."
Molly bowed her head, but did not pray. Instead, her eyes were staring at the
diamond ring in her hand, which her mother had given to her.
Ummm... unless I'm mistaken, this is a Christian ceremony you're
describing. And since SM takes place in Japan (unlesss I'm mistaken), this
simply would not be the case, unless Melvin's family was Christian.
Well, you never know. Not all that many people named Melvin in Japan either.
"A Guyver Unit!" Hissed the man on the throne.
"Guyver Unit?" Asked the voice from the crystal.
"A device created by a long dead alien race. They were sent to planets that
either had or possessed the potential for sentient life. They're a type of
bio-armor and they fuse with lifeforms in a symbiotic relationship, providing
protection and physical enhancement in return for some of the host's life
energy."
Okay. First, you're revealing too much, too soon. Pace yourself a
bit, let the reader draw his own conclusions first.
I agree.
**SPOILER ALERT!**
And second, that's not entirely true, unless you're going by the
second movie. In the anime/manga, the race of aliens had come to earth to
develop the perfect weapon. Over the millinea, they experimented with
countless lifeforms until creating their template, humans. From the humans,
they created Zoanoids, and then the Guyvers. The Guyvers couldn't be
controlled, and the alines eventually left.
<shrug> Doesn't matter. This story isn't faithful to Sailor Moon either.
<SNIP>
Not exactly, said a dry voice in her mind
The Guyver is talking to Molly? No, the unit doesn't work that way.
As I said.
One other detail worth mentioning to the author. Fics are not spam, so there's
no need for the [Spam] marker.