Slacker wrote:
His first fic. Awww. Isn't it cute?
Your first problem is the line wrap. So far as I could tell, there
wasn't one.
And we really don't need a legend. We're all big goys and girls. We can
figure out what it means for ourselves.
"Ranma! Damn it, boy! Stop!"
[Okay, so maybe the Neko-ken wasn't such a good idea.] Genma
Saotome
thought as he ran after his young son. [But it sounded pretty good, and
who really reads every page of a manuel these days?]
This again. Well worn place for an opening but still good.
Genma noticed he was losing ground on his son rapidly. [Kami-sama!
He's faster than I thought possible! And given the way he shredded the
gate
(and me) when he took off, he's learned the Neko-ken. Now all I have to
do
is teach him to use it without going insane first. He'll be unbeatable!
That's the trick now isn't it?
But
more importantly, once he starts to use it in matches, he'll be rich!
Which
means he can support me in my old age. Now, how do I train him to use
I never really saw any evidence of this in the manga. So far as I could
tell, Genma trained Ranma solely for the sake of the art, not for the
profit. Thats what he sold, indentured, and rented him out for.
the
Neko-ken? Maybe some steaks and the tiger cage at the zoo?]
Brilliant plan.
As Genma pondered ways to further screw up his son, Ranma proceeded
to
vanish around the next corner. When Genma rounded the corner, his son
was
nowhere in sight.
[Uh-Oh. This could be bad. How will I explain losing my son to
Nodoka?]
Tell her he's busy peeping on women.
Just as Genma was about to continue on he heard what sounded like
...purring?
But the sound was a bit...off.
Being a great ellipse hater, I would recomend you ditch the first one
and see if the second could be replaced. And don't start a sentence with
a conjunction.
[Could that be Ranma? Let's hope it is.]
When Genma followed the sound he came upon a most unusual sight:
his
son curled up in the lap of an old woman and purring loudly. He looked
to
be sound asleep.
"Oh, good! You found my son! I'll just take him and stop bothering
you!"
Genma said as he started to move forward.
"You'll do no such thing." The old woman said calmly. Genma froze.
"Pardon me?"
"I said, 'You'll do no such thing'" She repeated ina very calm
voice.
"And why not?"
"Because I recognize what happened to him."
"You do?" Genma said, somewhat nervously.
"Oh, yes. The Neko-ken has been around a long time. I know what it
looks
like and it's effects. And right now only people he likes or trusts
will be
able to get anywhere close to him. And you don't fall
into either of those categories."
I know I'd sure as hell not trust Pluto so Ranma must have really weird
taste.
"Woman! I am his father!"
"And you just threw him into a pit of _starving__cats_ wrapped in
food!
Most likely _several__times_! He remembers that at a subconcious level
and
won't let you anywhere near him!"
"Well, then! What do you suggest I do?! Just leave him here?!"
I think the second exclamation point is unecessary.
"Actually, yes. You will leave him here at least three days.It will
days. It
take
me that long to calm him down and teach him some tricks to keep from
slipping
into the Neko-kenso easily."
"And if I don't?"
"Your son will most likely go insane within 2, maybe 3, years.
D'oh! IMBS again.
He'll slip
irreversibly into the Neko-ken." she replied, still in that calm, even
Neko-ken," She replied,
voice.
"Now, you will leave. You will stay away for at least three days. And
when you
come back you won't attempt to do anything stupid involving the
Neko-ken. I'd
say anything stupid period, but if you're dumb enough to train your son
in the
Neko-ken, that's a vain hope."
Damn she's quick on the uptake.
"'Anything stupid involving the Neko-ken'? What do you mean by
that?" Genma
asked.
"Like wrapping him in steaks and throwing him in the tiger cage at
the zoo."
She said, staring him straight in the eye.
Who? Me? Sweet little innocent me?
Genma twitched. For some reason, he couldn't seem to look away from
her eyes.
"Now leave."
"Okay, I'll be back in three days."
I think that last line is kind of weak. I'd just use a narration of
Genma leaving.
As Genma walked away he tried to figure out why he gave in that
easily to an
old woman. [Her eyes. It had to be her eyes. I've never seen eyes like
that. Red
to the point of being sapphire. They gave me the creeps. Brrr. And the
Red to the point of being blue? That doesn't make any sense.
look in
them. They just screamed, "You won't like what happens if you cross
me."] He'd
seen that look before, in a mother bear. [I think it's probably a good
thing I
obeyed her. Yes, a very good thing.]
Great old Genma. Look out for number one.
As soon as Genma was out of sight the "old woman" began to change.
Her hair
turned from gray into a deep green, her back straightened out, and her
face
smoothed out. The only thing that stayed the same were her eyes. Her
red eyes.
eyes, those red eyes.
Eyes that had seen countless years. Eyes that had watched as an entire
culture
fell and it's queen gave her life to let her daughter have another
fell, and its
chance. Eyes
that said, "I have seen more pain and suffering than you ever can
imagine. I've
done things that would drive you insane, and come out unchanged. Do not
cross
me. You will not like what happens."
Transdimensional wedgie.
The eyes of Sailor Pluto.
while in this situation you can get away with the fragment, I really
recomend making that a complete sentence. They were the eyes of Sailor
Pluto. or some such.
She looked at Ranma and, after scanning him, said, "It is you. Why
did she
send you foward? And if you're here, then so is she. And I don't know
where
she is. This could be very...bad."
I see the trend of making Ranma ultrapowerful Moon Kingdom reborn is
continuing in good stead.
As she picked him up and carried him into the house, only one
thought went
through her mind: [Great, I've got two more people who are a bit
mind,
unstable and
have the power to destroy the planet, one of which I _can't__find_!
Perfect!
Sometimes, I really hate my job.]
Three days later, Genma came back to pick up his son. If he noticed
anything
different about him, he didn't mention it to the "old woman," who he
was still
a little bit scared of.
As Ranma and his father walked off, Pluto thought to herself, [I
hope I
never have to remove those blocks I put in, and I really hope they
Oh so subtle forshadowing.
don't fail.
That would be a _very_ bad thing. But from what I could read of his
Even more.
future, I
almost feel sorry for Ranma. He's really a good kid. He doesn't deserve
what his
father will put him through, especially Jusenkyo.]
hey. It's an alternate universe, it might not happen.
"Good luck and Goddess bless, Ranma." She whispered. [You're going
to need
it.]
To be continued(like you hadn't guessed that!)
Fix the line width. I'd also recomend switching from brackets to
represent though to something else. ' are always good, and that is
convention. * work too.