Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE TWENTY FIVE: Natural Selection.
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where
the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen sitting
inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
MAMIYA: (Reading the newspaper.) It appears that mechas are
destroying downtown Tokyo.
MIKAGE: (Dry tones.) Tell me this, when exactly aren't mechas
destroying downtown Tokyo?
MAMIYA: (Still reading the newspaper.) When Godzilla is in town
on vacation with Gamora and Mothra, of course.
(For a response, Mikage can only blink dimly.)
SCENE: The Dueling Arena stairs. Tenjou Utena has taken a
break from slowly making her way up them. As she does so, the
song Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku or the Absolute Destiny
Apocalypse plays in the background. The Sunlit Garden no longer
plays faintly in the background.
UTENA: (Lying on the stairs and taking deep breaths as she
complains.) My butt hurts and I'm starting to get really dizzy.
(Mutters lowly.) Once I get to the top of these stairs I'm going to
make Akio pay dearly for being so utterly evil with his design plans
for this stupid dueling arena. I mean, honestly. It must get terribly
boring for the readers to have to hear about me making my way up
these stairs each and every episode. If I were them I'd switch over
to another spamfic with more action in it.
(There's a long pause of silence as Utena considers her words.)
UTENA: (Snickers.) A spamfic with action. Right... like that's ever
going to happen.
SCENE: Takatsuki Shiori's evil apartment. It looks very, well, evil.
Just as everything associated with Shiori should look. Anyway,
Shiori is sitting in a jacuzzi along with an unconscious, naked, and
drop dead gorgeous Arisugawa Juri. For those who are interested
(who knows why) Shiori is missing her clothing as well. The Sunlit
Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
SHIORI: (Gives an evil chuckle as she eyes Juri.) Everything is
finally in place. All I need to make Juri-sama mine is to use my
family's long hidden secret seduction technique!
(Dramatic music plays as out of nowhere Shiori produces a tray
that's full of oysters and green M&Ms.)
SHIORI: (Smirks.) What? Don't tell me you were expecting
something that actually made sense?
(Juri lets loose a low and sexy moan and Shiori diverts her attention
to the other girl in a quick movement.)
SHIORI: (Leans forward holding an oyster and several green
M&Ms in her hand. Cajoling tones.) Open wide, Juri-sama...
(Just as Juri's green eyes flicker open Shiori shoves the oyster and
the green M&Ms into her mouth. Juri sputters but cannot help but
swallow them in a reflex action. She spends several long moments
hacking before she clears her throat and looks at Shiori with eyes
that are blazing with ferocious anger.)
JURI: (Growls.) Shio--- (Juri suddenly pauses in her speech as her
eyes go wide and glaze over. Says in wondrous tones as she looks
at Shiori.) Why... why didn't I ever notice it before?
SHIORI: (Smirks.) What? Notice my natural charms and alluring
personality and how you can never be free of me for the rest of
your natural born existence? I'm really not sure, Juri-sama. Why
don't you tell me why you've never noticed that?
JURI: (Suddenly rises to her feet.) No, you fool! Why haven't I
noticed my own superiority to everyone else who lives! I've known
for a long time that Anime lesbians are superior to all other Anime
characters but before now I never recognized that I am the most
superior Anime lesbian of them all! I am their destined leader! The
one who will bring them into the new millennium and lead our
awesome takeover! And I shall start my brilliant takeover by
seizing power of the mighty Ohtori Student Council which controls
everything in this French mockery of a school! (Juri pauses to give
a mad sort of laugh then snaps her fingers.) Girl groupies, appear
before me! I have work to do and a strange desire for back rubs!
(Instantly all of Juri's girl groupies appear before her oohing and
ahhing as they help her out of the jacuzzi, flanking her so Juri is
completely hidden from Shiori's view.)
SHIORI: (Grumbles.) This isn't turning out at all the way that I
wanted it to. (Ponders.) Maybe I shouldn't have added more
aphrodisiacs to those already natural ones that I gave her.
JURI: (Now wearing a scanty silk robe and being hung on by
several hundred girl groupies. Drawls sensuously.) Don't you
worry, Shiori. I'll always have a place for you in my life.
SHIORI: (Hopeful tones.) Really, Juri-sama?
JURI: (Smirks.) Of course. You can be my secretary.
SHIORI: (Watching Juri exit.) Secretary. (Scowls deeply. Mutters
to herself.) What did I do to deserve this? (She stops to think
about this.) Never mind. Everyone knows what I did to deserve
this.
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely
and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko,
B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly
in the background.
B-KO: (Reading a letter.) I curse you and your children and your
children's children's children.
A-KO: (Blinks.) Children's children's children?
B-KO: (Hands A-ko the letter.) That's what it says.
C-KO: (Peers over A-ko's shoulder.) So I guess this means you
better not have children's children's children, huh?
B-KO: (Scowls.) I don't think I can stop that.
A-KO: (Suggests helpfully.) Well, you could just not have any
children and then they can't have your children's children's children.
How about that?
B-KO: (Frowns.) Sounds too complicated.
C-KO: (Sighs.) She means just don't get knocked up.
B-KO: (Eyes widen.) Oooh. (Irately.) And when exactly would I
get knocked up anyway?! I never leave this wall!
C-KO: (Reminds.) Except to go to the Utena movie.
B-KO: (Waves it off.) Yeah, yeah. That didn't really count. What I
mean is that I'm almost always working here. And besides that, I'm
a faceless Shadow Play Girl. Who wants to get busy with someone
who has no face? C'mon! The chances that I'll get knocked up are
worse than the chances of any of us ever getting a date with one of
the main characters in this series! It's just not going to happen!
(As A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko all consider this they slowly form sad
faces before they start sniffling and then eventually start crying while
the scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In
other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will
Mikage and Mamiya still be, for whatever reason, in the elevator?!
How long will Utena rest before continuing to walk up those never
ending stairs?! And will Shiori accept the illustrious position of
being Juri's secretary?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/prs/index.html
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"Pu!"
-Mokona; Magic Knight Rayearth-
CHU CHU: (Smirks.) Chu, chu chu chu!
UMI: (Presses Chu Chu into her bosom.) Oh, you were wonderful,
darling! You destroyed that evil bunny thing of Satan in one foul
swoop! It was so impressive!
CHU CHU: (Extemely muffled due to Umi's bosom but he sounds
very happy none-the-less.) Chuuuuuu...
KOZUE: (Warily eyes Umi.) Ehm... aren't you from another Anime
series altogether? Should you really be here?
UMI: (Keeps pressing Chu Chu to her bosom.) So what if I'm
from another series? It's not like you people are getting a lot done
in this fic anyway. Consider me an amusing distraction.
CHU CHU: (Still extremely muffled due to Umi's bosom but he
sounds blissfully happy and near passing out.) Chuuuuuu...
UMI: (Triumphantly smiles.) See? My darling Chu Chu agrees with
me! As the Blue Bride it's my duty to remain here in the analyzing
quotes credits and keep him company.
KOZUE: (Rolls her eyes.) Whatever you say lady.
Juri Rules All.
Spatulas kick ass.
Nahga goes boing.
-Quotes from me-