Kyhdin@aol.com wrote:
Hallo! I am a FFML newbie. Allow me to introduce myself.
Egads! He misspelled 'Hello'!
...
Just KIDDING...
My name is Steve, though I write under the pen name of Komodo. I'm 22, I
live somewhere near a computer with a modem and no matter what the rumors
say, my mind is NOT controlled by my cat.
I dunno...
I write mostly SM fanfiction, I use the American versions as that is what I
am most familar with. As the saying goes. Write what you know.
This is also a sentiment I'll echo in this C&Cing several times.
Regardless, I do have a fic to post along with this message. Its called
Molly's Secret and its a SM/Guyver fusion. If it rings a bell, its because I
found the "Naru-Chan fights back" Spamfic on the website of Mark Doherty(sp?)
and it started me thinking.
Enjoy!
Hoping Mark doesn't mind,
-Komodo
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Keep/5268
I guess I should warn you now that my C&Cings tend to be either excruciatingly harsh
(gnawing away at senseless details), or totally nuts (stupid jokes to keep the mood
light). I'll catch everything I can since I am well aware how hard it can be to do
spelling/grammer corrections on your own work.
On with the C&C!
****************************
Part 1
They came, just like they always did. Five females in costumes with energy
powers.
Who-woooo! Actually, I think that would be 'magical powers', however I am NOT going
to delve into a technical discussion. Magic would just sound more familiar.
Like always, there was horrific battle, the enemy destroyed and the costumed
women left, leaving the Police to clean things up and explain things to the
media.
Here's a grammer suggestion: 'Like always, there was a horrific battle. The enemy was
destroyed and the costumed women left, leaving the Police to clean things up and
explain the mess to the media.'
This solves to easy problems. First, this was a run-on sentence, fixed. Second,
redundancy with 'things' in the later part. Repetition of certain words can be good,
but it's only useful for dramatic impact[1].
Molly Naru, age nineteen, was sick of it.
She sat on the rock next to the lake in Central Park, her knees pulled up to
her chest and her arms keeping them there.
The only Central Park I know of is in New York City, but I have no idea where
Sailormoon (US version) takes place...
Glumly, she watched as policemen and women stood there, scratching their
heads in confusion. Eventually, it would be blamed on mass hysteria, gas, or
bad food, the claims of monsters and women in sailor suits with superhuman
powers dismissed as illusions.
Try 'police officers'.
Dismissed? You CADS!
Hallucinations.
Just like last time. And the time before that. And the time before that.
Ayeup. Cops aren't too smart, are they? Just kidding. [2]
You idiots! She wanted to scream. Don't you think that there might be some
grain of truth? Don't you think that so many mass fainting spells combined
with monster stories might be more then just a coincidence?!
Actually, it's 'than' instead of 'then'.
They wouldn't listen, why would they? She was just a Gaijn, a foreigner, and
not even an important one. Just the daughter of a jeweler.
Again, this brings me back to the park statement and 'familiar writing'. At the park
some identification could be used. It is hard looking stuff like this up, but beleive
me, well worth the effort. (This from the guy who asked about putting bombs in the
local mall for a story. Lucky I wasn't just chucked into jail for that one...)
Molly felt her hands curl into fists as the hot tears rolled down her cheeks.
She wanted so desperately to fight back, even to the point of taking up
Martial Arts.
Well, that isn't much for fighting back, unless we really are in Japan. Oops, don't
have any suggestions here except a senseless quote from a magical-girl story I'm
writing: 'Oh, simple he'd said. Piece of cake. Monster shows up, just start laying
down the lead. How? It wasn't like they conveniently appeared in nice targeting
ranges or anything...'
That had been no good.
? Ambiguous statement, try: 'That hadn't worked. Period.'
Or something of with that kind of finality.
The tears flowed faster as she unwillingly remembered how the youma had
simply laughed and then drained her of energy. Just like all the other times
before.
Drop the 'of' to read: 'drained her energy.'
This is a better demonstration of possession, an annoying problem in prose.
The tears became a flood, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Better, I like[2].
Why did they always seem to come to her?
Because she's so cuuuute! :)
She raised her eyes up and looked at the lake.
So cool. So inviting. All it would take would be one little movement, the
shock of hitting the water would stun her, her weight would drag her under,
the cold would numb her.
'Course, knowing her luck, it's probably only two feet deep...
Can we say 'el joko?'
They wouldn't find her body till tomorrow, or even the day after.
till => 'till
As in the contraction of 'until'.
Stupid I know, but that's English.
No more pain, no more youma.
No more. . .
Pizza? Sunsets? Shoot-outs with the police? Oops, slipped a fic there...
She looked up at the sound of shoe soles on rock.
Good, but 'rubber soles on rock' or even 'soft running shoes on rock' might sound
better since it adds character to the description.
D-oh! Double meanings bite me again.
"Hey Moll." Said the shoe's owner, a pretty blond haired coed with her hair
in a most peculiar hairstyle.
Sorry for my chuckling here, but shoe's implies only one shoe.
You're looking for: shoes'
Looks funny, sounds right.
"Hey Serena." Molly said, her voice flat and devoid of emotion as she resumed
staring at the lake.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm sick of it."
"It?"
"The youma. The endless fighting," Molly waved a hand at the controlled chaos
at the other side of the lake. "The way they go on like sheep because they
don't want to think of what might really be going on." She sighed. "I'm sick
of being attacked, I'm sick of worrying about my friends, I'm sick of
answering questions from the police." She exhaled loudly, her breath forming
into steam as it hit the night air. "I'm just sick of it."
Whoa! It's nighttime? You let a perfect scene description and mood establishment
opportunity slip through your fingers right at the beginning of this great story to
mention to the reader it's suddenly 'nighttime' just now?! What's going on here?
Heh... the look on your face... hehe.
Well, just a suggestion, but let that detail slip way up above. Remarking about how
the light cast off by the police and ambulance sirens eerie illuminated the pale
police officers' faces is the kind of scene other authors only dream of. (Authors
like me maybe, sigh.)
"You think we aren't?" Serena asked. "Not a day goes by that I wake up and
wonder if today's the day when I'll be required to give my life up to keep
the Earth safe. The others are the same way. We're sick of it too. But we do
it because its got to be done."
Molly let out a chuckle. "What's so funny?" Serena demanded.
"Just thinking that six years ago you never would have said something like
that." Serena smiled.
!! How old are they in this scene?
Oh yeah, 19 or so...
Still.
"No, I suppose I wouldn't have." Serena admitted. "I guess I've done some
growing up."
"Everyone has." Molly said as she looked at Serena, her question clear on her
face.
"No." Serena said.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive." Serena said. "We even asked Pluto. I'm sorry Molly, there is no
Sailor Sun, Earth, Asteroid, Comet, Cosmic, Red, or anything like that. None
of us had a sister back during the Silver Millennium. Nothing."
What about the Toothpick? The Coat? The Cheese for crying out loud! Were those lost
as well?
Sorry, inside joke.
"So that's it then. I'm doomed to a life of being youma chow." Serena said
nothing. There was nothing she could say.
"Hey." She said at last. "How about some hot fudge sundaes at Tomoe's? My
treat."
Proving once again that it is DAMN hard to keep Serena quiet, in any situation.
"Sure." Molly said as she stood up. "Why not?"
#--#
Late afternoon, The Lake in Central Park, Two Weeks Later. . .
Molly sighed as Melvin continued to babble about the latest project in his
biotechnology class. Gradually, he realized she wasn't even listening and
trailed off.
More rancorous chuckling. 'Biotechnology class'? Wish we had one o' those down here.
"Hey Molly? Something wrong?"
"I'm just sick of it all. Life, school, Youma."
Sounds like she has youma on the brain.
...
Speaking of which, pick one: Youma or youma. If you caps them, then keep them all
capped.
...
Stupid English language, some things just never come out right.
"Youma? Molly, have you been getting enough sleep?" Molly then remembered
that Melvin had never been told and that therefore the mysterious "Central
Control" hadn't released him from what Mina had, for God knew what reasons,
dubbed "The Matrix", which was a field projected across the world that kept
people from being too interested in what was going on in Tokyo.
BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!
That's too good!
The thought that there was an entity out there capable of that kind of feat
made Molly shudder and she tried very hard not to think about it.
"Yeah Melvin." She said, forcing some humor into her voice as she screwed her
face up into a somewhat rictus grin. "Youma. And they work for these aliens
that want to steal all the life energy on earth." She waggled her fingers at
him and made moaning noises.
I'm rather curious what you mean by 'rictus'.
I can't come up with anything.
"You read to much Manga." Melvin said. Molly hmphed and turned, walking away.
She hadn't gone more then a few feet when a pair of arms wrapped around her
waist from behind and she heard Melvin's voice in her ear.
"Bah, I'm a Youma, give me your life energy." He made slobbering noises.
"Oooh Help!" Molly said, laughing, unable to help herself. "A big mean scary
youma! Oh help!" Squirming, she broke free of his grip and starting running,
Melvin in hot pursuit.
With an M-16 and a grenade launcher, no doubt. LOL
Laughing, she led him across the park and into the woods surrounding it,
where he finally managed to bring her down in an isolated part, known
affectionately as "Love Alley."
No. No comment.
Still laughing, Molly squirmed until she was lying on her back underneath
him.
"Oh Mister Youma," She said, making herself sound like one of the brainless
female leads in a movie. "Now that you have me what will you do with me?"
"I'll think of something." Melvin replied.
"Just," She said breathlessly, "just keep it short." Then she fluttered her
eyelashes at him
"Short?" He smiled his best evil smile. "Never." He promised as he kissed her.
"Good." Molly said, returning the kiss as she pulled him down, her body
arching up into his. "Mmmmm"
<raises eyebrow> Now this is lookin' goooooooood.
#--#
The Sun was setting by the time they emerged from the woods, hand in hand.
Both were faintly flushed and several people gave them knowing grins.
They walked until they reached the rock by the lake and there they stood,
watching the sun slip beneath the horizon.
"Melvin? Have I told you that I love you lately?"
"Hmmm, I believe the most recent thing you said to me involved some loud
moaning." Melvin said, his tone of voice mockingly serious.
"Well," She said, leaning against the rock as Melvin came closer. "I love
you."
"Say it again." Melvin said, leaning against her.
"I love you." Molly whispered.
"I love you too." Melvin whispered back and they kissed again.
Things were just getting interesting when Melvin pulled away and put his hand
in his pocket. "I got something to show you," He began when they heard
shouting. There was a flash of color and some sounds that sounded like an
animal growling.
Nevermind, it's just James.
... oh yeah, that 'repeat' thingy.
Try: 'There was a flash of color and some sounds that were close to, but chillingly
unlike an animal growling.'
Just a suggestion, this could be changed to any number of things.
"Oak Evolution!" Someone cried. There was a blinding flash and Molly suddenly
found herself hurtling through the air. She saw the water coming up fast,
there was a jolt of pain and everything went black.
She drifted in the blackness. A voice was talking to her and Melvin. Melvin
insisting that the voice save her. There was a roaring noise and she felt
something envelop her.
#--#
Her head was breaking the surface. Coughing, she tried to keep afloat even as
she took her bearings.
It was definitely nighttime. She was somewhere in the middle of the lake and
she could see bright lights of what looked like a work crew at the lake's
edge. Grateful for her choice of clothes, she kicked her sandals off and
struggled out of her jacket, letting it all sink to the lake bottom before
she struck out for shore.
Looked like it was time to find out if all that time she put into swimming
back in the Brownies would pay off.
Some people would claim this ludicrous comment is in bad taste, but here I go.
However, water proved to be far easier to traverse than Brownies, which tended to be
very thick and gooey with the occasional nut here and there just for surprise value.
#--#
She was nearly to shore before somebody spotted her. Shouts soon went up and
she was helped to shore.
"What happened to you?" A Paramedic asked as he put a blanket around her
shoulders. "Did you get caught in the Tornado?" Molly took the cup of hot
chocolate and had some in her mouth before his question registered and she
spat the liquid out
"T-Tornado?" She asked, wiping her mouth.
"Yeah. Weirdest thing anyone ever saw. Freak Tornado ripped through the park
tearing up everything. Conspiracy nuts are blaming the Americans."
'Tornado'? As in the big guy with a cape?
I think that shouldn't be capitalized.
"Y-yeah. Those crazy Americans." Molly took another drink of hot chocolate to
buy time to get her emotions in order. When she looked up again, she saw
Serena, Amy Raye, Lita and Mina standing nearby. Mina had a bag slung over
her shoulder and she could see Luna and Artimes peering out.
I think it's usually 'Artemis'
Setting the Hot Chocolate aside, Molly wrapped the blanket tighter around
herself and walked over to them.
"Hey guys." Molly said, smiling brightly until she noticed that none of them
were smiling back. "What's wrong." Nobody said anything for a long moment,
then Serena indicated something with a jerk of her head.
"I'm sorry." She half whispered.
"Sorry for what?" Molly asked, turning to see. All she saw was Paramedics
loading a body into an ambulance. Then the stretcher hit a bump and an arm
fell out from beneath the sheet.
On the wrist was a distinctly familiar wristwatch. A watch she had given to
someone very special on his eighteenth birthday.
"NOOOOOO!" Molly cried, half running and stumbling towards the ambulance.
Shoving the startled men aside, she tore the sheet aside and stared at
Melvin's face.
He was bloated and blue, his face covered with cuts and bruises. "No." She
whispered, clutching his hand and holding it to her face. The tears flowed
down her cheeks and his arm.
"Um Miss? Ma'am?" Molly didn't hear the paramedic. She didn't hear anything
except Melvin's voice telling her that he loved her. She didn't feel anything
except his hands moving over her body, or see anything but his eyes, locked
with hers. The only thing she tasted was his lips on hers.
But she did feel it when the Paramedics pulled her away so they could load
Melvin into the ambulance.
"No! Wait!" She cried, reaching out for him. "Don't take him from me!" Then
Serena was there. "They took him Serena!" Molly wailed, sinking to her knees,
"they took him!" Serena held the trembling girl as she looked up at her
friends.
#--#
One week later, A cemetery in Tokyo.
"And so, we commend the body of Melvin Umino to the earth. Let us pray."
Molly bowed her head, but did not pray. Instead, her eyes were staring at the
diamond ring in her hand, which her mother had given to her.
"He bought this only a few days before. I think he'd want you to hold on to
it." She had said. He had never even gotten a chance to ask her.
"I would have said yes." She whispered under her breath.
#--#
6 months later. . .
"Molly!" Serena cried, running up to her. You look terrific!" Molly gave her
best friend a smile and twirled. She wore a light blue silk thin dress, cut
low, the ring Melvin gave her now on a twenty four karat gold chain that she
wore around her neck.
"I'll second that." Said the tall, dark haired man who came up behind Serena.
"Its a shame I'm already taken." He teased just before Serena's elbow dug
into his ribs. "Ow. Take it easy Meatball Head." He protested, rubbing his
side.
"You'll pay for that later." Serena said, her tone of voice promising that
the payment demanded could be interesting if he played his cards right.
"Yes Ma'am." He said, tossing off a mock salute. "How about I get you ladies
some punch?"
"Thank you." Molly said and resumed staring out the window at the Garden.
The girls were at an inter-school mixer held at the beautiful Asasho Gardens
mansion, formal wear required.
... what? You expect me to sensely comment on the good stuff too?
"Still miss Melvin huh?" Serena said.
"Yeah." Molly said. "Every day it become easier to deal with but I still feel
like I'm betraying him every I so much as look at another guy."
Ah, missed word, the bane of all writing: 'every time I so much' sounds right.
"Aw come on Moll." Serena said, grabbing the redhead's arm and leading her
towards the crowd of people. "You know Melvin would want you to find someone
to be happy with." Molly let herself be led, mainly because deep down, she
knew she was right.
<Sigh> Uncertain pronoun (is that what they're called??).
This would sound better as: 'Molly let herself be led, mainly because deep down she
knew Serena was right.'
It was at that point that Destiny made a roll of the Cosmic Dice.
Snake Eyes.
The roof over the band all but collapsed as the youma burst in. It was a
snake headed beast, with a sword in each hand.
"Ethka." It hissed as the sword blades began to glow, drawing in energy.
Molly, concealed behind the safety of a plant, curled herself up in a fetal
position. She could hear the Senshi getting their butts handed to them.
Closing her eyes, she prayed silently, trying to ignore the pounding sound in
her ears.
Opening her eyes, she saw Sailor Moon hit the wall and fall, not moving.
The pounding in her ears became a roar that drowned out everything else.
Now. Whispered a voice in her mind.
#--#
Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and Mercury were in trouble and they knew it, Tuxedo
Mask and Sailor Moon were both down for the count. Venus had the Moon
Crescent Wand, and not a hope in hell of being able to use it.
"This is it guys." Mars said. "Last call."
"We can't give up." Venus said. "All we need is a plan."
And a railgun, and maybe a Super-Sayjin or two, just to even up the odds.
"All we need is a Miracle." Jupiter retorted.
Destiny Made another roll.
Two Sixes.
The youma raised its swords high, intent on fullfilling prime directive
number one: Terminate the Senshi.
"And Lo." An electronically filtered voice said. "There shall come a warrior,
clad in living armor, and all that the warrior faces, shall fall."
Recognizing the words from a recent fantasy flick, the Senshi turned.
Standing in the doorway was a figure, the body shape suggested a female. She
was clad in what looked like living armor. That is, the armor seemed to
resemble the hard carapace of a beetle or perhaps plates of bone.
"And you are?" The Senshi looked at the Youma, surprised. It was the first
time a youma had ever talked in its true form.
"Just a concerned citizen." She said, looking at the ball of energy that was
forming in her hand as though she had never seen it before. "Warrior will
do." Almost casually as her arm snapped forward, hurtling the energy ball
across the ballroom to smack the youma on the chest.
It staggered back, hissing loudly.
"I'm here to kick ass and take names." Warrior said as blades slid forward
out of her forearms and over her hands.
"What's that supposed to mean?" It demanded, dropping into a fighting stance,
swords at the ready.
"It means," Warrior said as she started forward at a steady walk. "That I've
had a really bad day. You're about to have a worse one." At that, she broke
into a run, leaping into the air, twising as she jumped, and landing on the
youma's shoulders, driving the blades into into its brain.
twising => twisting
The youma howled, jerking back, swinging the deadly blades in an attempt to
find its oppenent, but Warrior was already moving, leaping off of the youma's
shoulders to land behind it. Spinng on the balls of her feet, she slashed at
its back, cutting a strip across its spine. The Youma howled again as it
spun, bringing both swords down. But Warrior had backflipped out of harm's
way, landing in a spiderlike crouch.
"Not bad." The youma said, breathing heavily.
And somehow still alive, despite it's central nervous system being turned into
hamburger.
And now for this paragraph's typo corrections:
oppenent => opponent
Spinng => Spinning
backflipped and spiderlike could be back flipped and spider-like, respectively.
"Thanks." Warrior said, rising and taking a fighting stance. The youma also
took a fighting stance. For a long moment, they faced each other, each one
sizing up their oppenent.
opponent, again.
Then, seemingly as one, they moved. Their arms were a blur, a whirlwind of
flashing blades.
There was no room for mistakes. No room for even the tiniest error. Even
Jupiter's trained eye had trouble following the battle. But it did pick out
one thing. Warrior, intentionally or not, was buying them time.
As one, they raced back to where Sailor Moon groggily lay.
"Sailor Moon!" Mars cried, falling to her knees as Mercury grabbed the prone
girl's other wrist, and began counting under her breath even as she was
looking over Sailor Moon's face.
"Pulse is good, everything looks normal, how are you feeling?"
"What happened?" She asked, sitting up slowly.
"New kind of Youma." Jupiter said curtly.
"Where is it?"
"It found a new playmate." Venus quipped. "Rather energetic one too."
"Who is that?" Sailor Moon demanded, catching sight of the armored figure who
had the youma's attention.
"Dunno, as she put it, and I qoute; 'Warrior will do'" Jupiter said, helping
Sailor Moon to her feet.
At that point, the youma made an error so slight even Jupiter couldn't be
sure it was an error.
Swinging its swords, the youma lunged with one, the other one held up to
block. But it had over extended its reach just a little to much. Warrior
feinted, batted the blocked sword aside, chopped off the outstretched arm
then ran her blade right into where the Youma's heart roughly was.
'reach just a little to much' is actually 'too', not 'to'
The Youma howled, glowing brighter and brighter, before crumbling into dust.
Hmm, aparently they are brainless.
Sitting on the dust was a brightly colored jewel with a black upside down
cresenct moon. As they watched, the color faded.
That would be, 'crescent'.
Warrior picked up the jewel and looked at it for a moment, then her fingers
closed tightly around the jewel, triggering a distinctive crunching sound.
That of a Coco Puff being obliterated.
So I'm an MST3k nut, sue me.
When she opened her hand, there was only dust.
"Warrior?" Sailor Moon called. The helmeted head turned to look at them. "I'd
like to thank you for your help."
"Unessacary. They all have to die."
'Unnecessary'
"Yes. Well. . ." Sailor Moon said, obviously taken back by Warrior's
bluntness.
"Stay out of my way." Warrior snapped and then lept into the rafters, from
there, out the hole in the roof.
Running to the window, the Senshi saw Warrior leap over the wall.
"Damn." Jupiter breathed out as the distant sounds of sirens reached their
ears.
"Lets get out of here." Venus said.
#--#
The Next Morning
Though she no longer lived at home, Molly did have a decent loft apartment
near her mother's Jewelry store. The building was owned by a family friend
and Molly got to live there virtually rent free.
She lay on her stomach, bare back to the ceiling trying to process what the
ringing sound in her ears was.
At that point, the ringing stopped and Molly heard her own voice.
"Hi, this is Molly's phone. Leave a message at the beep."
Heh. Molly's not heereeeee maaaan.
"Molly? Its Serena. Again. There's a meeting at Raye's temple today. We could
use some input. Molly, if you're there please pick up."
it's = contraction of 'it is'.
its = ownership 'its head'.
Molly's flaiing hand finally managed to find the button for the speakerphone.
Minor typo: 'flailing'
"Serena?" She asked, her mouth dry and feeling like it was full of cotton.
"Molly?! Thank God! AreyouokayWecouldn'tfindyouafterthepartyI've
calledlikefifteentimesalready!"
"Party?" Molly asked. Then she remembered, along with the weird vision. "Oh
yeah. I hid in the plants."
"Oh. Okay! Well the meetings at five today. I'll see you then!" Molly hit the
off button and rolled over in bed, her eyes falling on the clock on her wall.
"Three in the afternoon?" She groaned as she sat up. "I hate youmas."
I not 100% sure, but I think that 'youma' is both singular and plural. Most Japanese
words (actually, pretty much all of them) don't really have a plural form.
#--#
The Dark Kingdom. . .
The man who walked through the hallways was not happy. He was tall, athletic
man, with bright red hair, and cruel eyes. He wore a vest over his bare
chest, green pants, and boots.
The man grumbled. "Stupid shifts. I hate working graveyard..."
He bowed respectivly to the man and woman sitting on the thrones as he
entered the throne room through the double doors.
respectivly => respectfully
respective is 'in relation to', not 'an expression of respect'.
the thrones => Thrones
See? I do good work.
The woman was all woman, tall, lush, with ripe curves and thick red hair.
But there was nothing human about her eyes. All that had been stolen away
millenia ago.
The man lounged in his chair, a wine glass in his hand, laconic expression on
his face. But his eyes were bright and alert behind half closed lids.
"Well?" The woman demanded.
"The youma/droid hybrid worked well." The man reported. It collected more
then enough energy to create another of its kind."
"Then where is it?" Demanded a third voice. It was a woman's voice and the
man in the vest raisied his eyes to the crystal behind and above the thrones.
"There was unexpected interference."
"You let the Senshi interfere again Rubius?" Demanded the redhaired woman.
Spellcheckers suck. Try out 'red-haired'.
"No." Rubis gestured and an image of the female in the strange armor battling
the hybrid appeared. "She calls herself Warrior."
"A Guyver Unit!" Hissed the man on the throne.
"Guyver Unit?" Asked the voice from the crystal.
"A device created by a long dead alien race. They were sent to planets that
either had or possessed the potential for sentient life. They're a type of
bio-armor and they fuse with lifeforms in a symbiotic relationship, providing
protection and physical enhancement in return for some of the host's life
energy."
lifeforms is actually two words (I learned that in a video store, of all places!)
'life forms'
"Interesting." Said the redhaired woman. "If we could get our hands on such a
device, it could prove most useful."
That hairrida--er, haired thing again.
"Then you shall have it Beryl." Said the man. "Rubius. Do whatever it takes
to get the Guyver Unit!"
"Yes Prince Diamant." Rubius replied.
#--#
Yawning, a cup's worth of cofee in her stomach, Molly stepped into the shower.
The dream she had still haunted her, it seemd so real.
"Must have been the caviar." She said to herself as she began to soap up.
Not exactly, said a dry voice in her mind
"Who?" Molly gasped, throwing open the shower door as she dropped into a
fighting stance, her eyes darting around the loft.
I don't have a name, at least not one that would make sense to you. Said the
voice. Suffice it to say I am you.
"What? You're some alternate personality? I've gone skitzo?"
Not exactly. Why don't you make us some breakfast and we'll see if I can't
explain it better.
"You'd better." Molly growled as she put on her robe and headed for the
kitchnette even as the rediculousness of what she had just done hit her.
'ridiculousness'
I misspelled that about five hundred times last year.
Great. I'm arguing with a voice in my head. I must have flipped.
No. It's only when the voices start winning that you've gone nutso.
--
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[1] For example, 'a gun' can repeated here for effect:
A gun on the floor.
A gun on the shelf.
A gun here.
A gun there.
A gun under some rubble in the corner.
Another.
And another...
This is very un-cool. No people, note one, and only a single piece of weaponry
here or there. These guys had over a hundred pieces and thousands of rounds of ammo.
Not a single spent casing anywhere.
James felt a shiver roll down his back.
---
This works because it keeps hamming that fact into the reader.
[2] And right here, it works and works great. Keep in mind that like metaphors and
other writing 'tricks' it shouldn't be overdone, or if done improperly, may as well
not be used at all (in that particular spot).
Well, now that I've bored everyone half to death I hope we've learned something
today, class!
And good fic, Komodo (yes, I know what it means). Looks promising. Don't give up.
--
Later,
Rick Spiff
He slammed the butt of his pistol into the side of Andy's head like he was smashing
cockroaches and stormed further into the room. I rolled away like a two-dollar whore,
trying to put some distance between me and Mr. Death, but his partener chose that
moment to go right through the rear wall, raising my estimation of his intelligence.
I paused for a split second, the monstorous form blocking out light and hope, then
heard the click of a hammer being drawn back. The man in black, the one who had
clocked out my friend, made his question simple and to the point with his pistol now
at my head. "Where's Sidestep?"
I blinked a little and tried to look like anything but a nervous wreck as my reply
toumbled out in a dash of words. "Try Jared Waddell, he hangs out a Rick's Place
somewhere among with Geocities and pleasedon'tkillme!!!" I think my response could
have been more dignified, but at least he put the gun away.
The Teachings of Rick:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Subway/1888/
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