<SNIP Bio>
I have to admit, this fic surprised me. Now, I don't know much about
Sailor Moon (read: ANYTHING), but I am very familiar with the Guyver. That's
probably what kept me from getting lost, sort of. Anyway, here's my 2 cents
worth.
<SNIP>
Molly Naru, age nineteen, was sick of it.
Is it really necessary to give her age here? People who watch Sailor
Moon would know how old she is, I guess.
<SNIP>
You idiots! She wanted to scream. Don't you think that there might be
Don't capitalize "s" in "she" there. She's thinking "You idiots!",
and the "she wanted to scream." is part of that. As it is now, it sounds
like the narrator is saying "You idiots", and then saying that Molly wanted
to scream.
<SNIP>
That had been no good.
May I recommend "That had done no good", or something along those
lines? To me, it would flow better.
<SNIP>
Why?
Why?
Why?
Take out those other three "Why?"s.
"Hey Moll." Said the shoe's owner, a pretty blond haired coed with her hair
in a most peculiar hairstyle.
When writing speech, end the character's line with a comma, and
don't capitalize the following word, unless it's a proper noun or a name. In
the case of questions and shouts, however, use the proper mark, but still
don't capitalize the next word after the quotation.
<SNIP>
"Positive." Serena said. "We even asked Pluto. I'm sorry Molly, there is no
Sailor Sun, Earth, Asteroid, Comet, Cosmic, Red, or anything like that. None
of us had a sister back during the Silver Millennium. Nothing."
Heh. From what I know of SM fanfics, these are some of the names
used when authors introduce new Senshi. I like the fact that you slipped
something like this in.
<SNIP>
Late afternoon, The Lake in Central Park, Two Weeks Later. . .
You could work this into the narrative, instead of simply stating it
right out. In some cases, this format works, but not here.
<SNIP>
She drifted in the blackness. A voice was talking to her and Melvin. Melvin
insisting that the voice save her. There was a roaring noise and she felt
something envelop her.
On reading this again, I'm thinking that maybe this is where Molly
finds the unit. However, I'm curious as to how much of the Guyver series
you're using. Is there a Kronos? Are there going to be other units?
You may want to put some backstory into how the unit got there, and
who else is after it.
<SNIP>
Setting the Hot Chocolate aside, Molly wrapped the blanket tighter around
herself and walked over to them.
Don't capitalize hot chocolate.
<SNIP>
"And so, we commend the body of Melvin Umino to the earth. Let us pray."
Molly bowed her head, but did not pray. Instead, her eyes were staring at the
diamond ring in her hand, which her mother had given to her.
Ummm... unless I'm mistaken, this is a Christian ceremony you're
describing. And since SM takes place in Japan (unlesss I'm mistaken), this
simply would not be the case, unless Melvin's family was Christian.
"He bought this only a few days before. I think he'd want you to hold on to
it." She had said. He had never even gotten a chance to ask her.
And here, I'm a bit confused. From the way it's written, it sounds
like Molly's mother has gien her the ring which Melvin bought for her.
Shouldn't it be Melvin's mother?
It was at that point that Destiny made a roll of the Cosmic Dice.
Snake Eyes.
I like that part, about the Cosmic Dice. It's cute. ^_^
<SNIP>
Standing in the doorway was a figure, the body shape suggested a female. She
was clad in what looked like living armor. That is, the armor seemed to
resemble the hard carapace of a beetle or perhaps plates of bone.
That last line sounds more conersational than narrative. You might
try something like:
The figure standing in the doorway vaguely resembled a woman. She
was covered head to toe in a suit of strange blueish-green armor, the plates
resembling a beetle's hard carapace, or even bone. Beneath the armored
plates, a purple fleshy substance covered what they did not. A silver
medallion rested in the center of her forehead, just below a long,
backward-curved fin.
<SNIP>
"Just a concerned citizen." She said, looking at the ball of energy that was
forming in her hand as though she had never seen it before. "Warrior will
do." Almost casually as her arm snapped forward, hurtling the energy ball
across the ballroom to smack the youma on the chest.
Now, if I'm reading this right, Molly has no clue how to use the
Guyver. However, the Control Medal can take control for the host when
needed, and can automatically use the weapons. I like it, this prevents
Molly from being too much of an ass-kicker from the start.
It staggered back, hissing loudly.
But, this Youma got hit with a gravity bomb (best term I can think
of), and doesn't have an enormous hole in its chest. Those things have to be
tough! ^_^
"I'm here to kick ass and take names." Warrior said as blades slid forward
out of her forearms and over her hands.
SInce these are sonic swords, blades that emit sonic vibrations that
match the frequency of whatever they hit, perhaps you should describe the
slight glow they seem to put off.
<SNIP>
"Dunno, as she put it, and I qoute; 'Warrior will do'" Jupiter said, helping
Sailor Moon to her feet.
sp. qoute---quote
The man who walked through the hallways was not happy. He was tall, athletic
man, with bright red hair, and cruel eyes. He wore a vest over his bare
chest, green pants, and boots.
This sounds like the vest is covering everything else he's wearing.
<SNIP>
"A Guyver Unit!" Hissed the man on the throne.
"Guyver Unit?" Asked the voice from the crystal.
"A device created by a long dead alien race. They were sent to planets that
either had or possessed the potential for sentient life. They're a type of
bio-armor and they fuse with lifeforms in a symbiotic relationship, providing
protection and physical enhancement in return for some of the host's life
energy."
Okay. First, you're revealing too much, too soon. Pace yourself a
bit, let the reader draw his own conclusions first.
**SPOILER ALERT!**
And second, that's not entirely true, unless you're going by the
second movie. In the anime/manga, the race of aliens had come to earth to
develop the perfect weapon. Over the millinea, they experimented with
countless lifeforms until creating their template, humans. From the humans,
they created Zoanoids, and then the Guyvers. The Guyvers couldn't be
controlled, and the alines eventually left.
<SNIP>
Not exactly, said a dry voice in her mind
The Guyver is talking to Molly? No, the unit doesn't work that way.
It allows telepathic communication with other Guyvers, but the host and the
unit don't communicate like that. Unless, of course there is something
special about this unit, like it being a prototype the aliens had developed,
yet hadn't had teh chance to test befor eleaving the earth.
All in all, this wasn't a bad idea at all. I've seen one other
Guyver/SM crossover, and it wasn't that well done. This one, however, seems
to be quite promising. Get yourself a good prereader (I'm willing to lend a
hand, if you want), and this could take off. I can help you with the Guyver
aspects of the fic, being a rather avid fan of that series, but I know
nothing about Sailor Moon.
Looks good, and keep writing!
Jed