Phil wrote:
"Well, now that we've destroyed the evil undersea monster and freed the
population of the planet that was held in thrall by it, what do you want
to
do?"
When I first read this, it confused me into thinking this was Aeka
speaking
here. Might want to consider adding 'Ryoko asked'.
At that point adding the names seemed unecessary. Will think about
rewording it so it's obviously Ryouko.
"The thought never crossed my mind, Princess."
This comment really reminded me of the great Han Solo/Princess Leia
exchanges.
In truth, I had to resist having Ryouko say, 'your worshipfullness' or some
other such Sololike reference.
"Miya miya."
"No, Ryo-Ohki. I don't feel like eating any fried 'Dweller of the Deep'.
Thank you anyway."
"But a couple of barbecued skewers of Royal Princess would be nice." :)
Actually that's Aeka passing on the fried Alien Intelligence.
Lacking any desire for another sparring match, Ryouko let the subject
drop
as well. After being declared eternal heroes by the freed population,
and
having several statues dedicated to themselves erected, Aeka and Ryouko
had
"Darn," Ryoko muttered. "Now that's one more planet that I can't plunder
anymore." :)
I think if she goes after the Yagdagron homeworld no one would complain.
^_^
Ryouko snorted in derision. "I've got news for you, your highness. Most
people don't really give a damn who's running the Empire, let alone that
some junior member of the royalty feels like trying to strut her stuff.
I
know I sure as heck wouldn't stop."
"I'd blast you out of space instead." :)
Heh. I tempting thought, to be sure.
The smirk irritated Ryouko enough that she considered making some
cutting
comment about Aeka's figure, but with some effort, she restrained
herself
... and decided to comment on her lack of intellect instead. :)
hehehe. Certainly a possible response on Ryouko's part.
The giant spaceship drew closer until it filled the main viewscreen.
Over
the Ryo-Ohki's loudspeaker, a gravely voice said, "Repent your numerous
sins and prepare for death, royal scum."
'gravelly' since 'gravely' means seriously.
Whoops. Got it.
His thoughts turned to the woman herself. Stargrave had known Ariana was
interested in him, but had never accepted her offers of the flesh.
"How would you like my hand, Sa'bre - roasted or raw?" :)
Blech! Taking Dr. Lector's survival course, have you?
He had
been satisfied with the current nature of their relationship, and that
sort
Current nature? Does that mean Sa'bre is a necrophiliac? I never would
have
guessed. :)
Suggest: 'platonic nature' instead.
Aye. Much better.
"One way or another, I think it's going to end soon," Stargrave said.
Darn. Guess my estimate of three to four more chapters was wrong - you're
going
to kill off the last four in this chapter. :)
Yep. Didn't want to spoil it for you last time. I could have conceivably
padded it with a couple of more chapters, but that would have been all it
was, padding. I'm not drawing this out any longer than it should be. And it
already grew about two or three chapters as is. Funny how stories do that
sometimes.
A continuous series of voices ran through Stargrave's mind: Autolycus's
warnings. Ariana's devotions. Fera's fearless acceptance of any risks.
Yoost's various complaints. Pupei's continuous frustration at his
inability
Suggest: 'Ariana's devotion' since 'devotions' implies prayer. :)
And who is Yoost? Must have been a minor character.
Yep. He was so minor, I've now forgotten where I killed him now. I did
remember it when I was looking for a name, though.
That wasn't true, of course. They were playing for the greatest stakes
of
all: Galactic Domination. The risks were great, regardless of how
"Yes! Coming soon from Toyco: Galactic Domination the Boardgame! With
plastic
models of all the main Tenchi cast! Reserve your order now!"
Argh! I know there's a quick comeback to this, but it's eluding me now.
need to take him out before he knows what's going on. You may very well
only get one shot, and if you fail, it might be the end for us all. The
signal to open fire will be 'Nice job, Officer'. Onita, you're backup.
If
Funuyaki doesn't drop him in the first shot, you finish him. And make
certain you're not in line with the Shihana either. Leave Mihoshi to me.
I'll maneuver her away from the plant and take care of her personally.
With
"I've always wanted to come to 'grips' with Officer Mihoshi," Malgaunt
sniggered. :)
Y'know, I just can't picture using 'Malgaunt' and 'sniggered' in the same
sentence. ^_^
few days. That was the one hole he was aware of in his plan. If Mihoshi
examined his and the others' outfits closely, it would show that they
had
not just come down from a rescue ship as Malgaunt would explain.
However,
even if she was suspicious, he was her Marshal, and Mihoshi was an
obedient
officer. He was above reproach. She would obey him right up until the
moment she died. Perhaps he would even issue that order right after he
gave
Funuyaki the signal to open fire.
"Officer Mihoshi! Your final orders are to perish in the line of duty!" :)
Something along those lines. I wasn't sure if the meaning would be clear in
the above paragraph though. I think I could reword it to make it more
clear, and I'm open to suggestions.
Again Malgaunt found himself completely at a loss. He had suffered from
more surprises in the last five days than he had in the last five years.
It
defied possibility, yet not only had his perfect plan been ruined within
the first few seconds he had executed it, but again he found himself
confronted with a situation that he had completely failed to anticipate.
Dammit, Malgaunt thought furiously, his mother had been right - he should
have
gone into medicine instead. :)
And then have insurence companies refuse to pay him as well as getting sued
every other day? Raising Shihana plants would be less stressful.
Racing at unbelievable speeds, Malgaunt's mind evaluated the situation.
All of a sudden it overheated and Malgaunt fell over, dead from a brain
seizure. :)
And thus brought an abrupt end to the fic, having thrown the author's plot
hopelessly out of whack.
Funuyaki took a step back so she could bring her gun to bear on Onita,
should he make any sudden movements. "What I should have done from the
beginning. This farce is over. You're going to jail forever, you
bastard."
Heh. Nice lead up to this surprise.
Really? I kind of thought most people figured out she was going to turn on
him. Or do you mean her doing it right at this moment?
The sudden turn of events confused Mihoshi for a moment; one of the
criminals wasn't acting like a criminal anymore. Training began to take
Square peg, round hole, square peg, round hole... Nooooo, Mihoshi cried
out
mentally. It doesn't fit! :)
Yep. That's the problem with cognizent thought for her at times. ^_^
"I can't do that at the moment," Funuyaki said as she kept the pistol
pointed at the back of Malgaunt's head. All the man would need was a
split
second to draw his gun. She couldn't take her eyes off him for more than
the length of a breath. "Stargrave, come on out! I know you're out
there,
and unarmed! Give up!"
"Sa'bre Stargrave, come on down! You're our new contestant on Galactic
Price is
Right!" :)
Nah, Sa'bre's the kind of guy that would just shoot Bob Barker outright on
general principles. ^_^
up in your belief that you know how everything works and how everyone
feels
that you think you're so fucking perfect that you can't tell when things
are really falling apart all around you."
That's the true benefit of ignorance: you never know when to give up. :
Can't argue with that, largely in part because I'm ignorant.
No apology came. Funuyaki's eyes began to tear and her voice trembled as
she spoke. "You bastard. You honestly think you know me? I may be a lot
of
things. I'm a thief. I'm a liar. I'm a backstabbing traitor. I'm a
killer
that's gunned down innocent people. I'm worse than the scum I bring in
because at least criminals can be honest about what sort of shit they
are
instead of hiding behind a badge like me. But even as low and as rotten
to
"I'm a guilt-ridden, self-pitying bitch?" :)
Funuyaki: Well at least I'm trying to do something about it. :P
Honestly, I think this bit is a little much on Funuyaki's part. You might
want
to consider cutting it down.
Hmm. I'll axe 'backstabbing' 'as low and' and probably the liar line, that
seem like enough?
Stargrave did as he was told, holding his hands before him rather than
above his head, allowing Funuyaki to see there was nothing in either of
them. But the smile he gave her was that of someone who had his prey
right
where he wanted.
"FIREBALL!!" :)
And he ripped off his plastic mask to reveal that he was really Lina
Inverse, who was also an exact duplicate, that looked very little like,
Ranma-onna. ^_^
Funuyaki continued firing at the rectangle, all the while knowing it
would
do no good. As when she had refused Autolycus's offer, she felt relieved
You know, I felt like shouting: "Dodge out of the way! Then shoot at
Sa'bre!"
He'd just adjust the wings in mid-air, and the wings will protect him from
puny laser fire at any angle. You can't kill a major powerful bad guy that
easily. ^_^
It took Stargrave a moment to bring his emotions under control. At last
he
answered Tenchi. "I thought it would be obvious. Since it's quite clear
you're not Yosho, and you're certainly not Azusa," he spat the name out
contemptuously. "you must be a royal bastard, like myself."
Yup, what I thought. It was a surprise, though I found myself wondering
last
chapter just how Stargrave would control the Jurai treeship offered by
Autolycus.
I wasn't sure if I dropped enough hints or not. There weren't enough to
pinpoint him as Azusa's kid, but I think I gave the impression he was son
of a Juraian noble of some kind.
Tenchi looked deep into his eyes and at once understood. They were his
great-grandfather's eyes looking at him.
His grandfather's eyes.
Tenchi's eyes.
And what about his mother? :)
Achika had her mother's eyes. :P
with her, although she said he always made certain his wives were
off-planet. He was very discreet about the affairs, lest he incur the
wrath
of the Inspector General of Information and the Commander of the Royal
Bodyguard. Tradition might say he can have however many women he wants,
but
Hmm. More likely the wrath of his wives. :)
Who do you think the Inspector General of Information and the Commander of
the Royal Bodyguard are? ^_^
his wives have evidently seen to it he answers to a higher power as
well.
Themselves. :)
Yep. Poor boy's whipped, all right. Master of everything but his house.
"Don't try to lie to me. You know what you are. You wield the light hawk
wings, the same as me. The only acknowledged son of Azusa is Yosho, and
he's been missing for centuries after chasing the space pirate Ryouko.
He
must be long dead by now, for if he had survived, he would have returned
to
his seat of power at the Emperor's side. It's just as well. If he had
survived, I would have had to kill him too for being given without a
thought that which I could never have. Despite both of us being the
same,
both of us being our father's sons, Yosho would have had everything
while I
would have only been granted death. I could never have tolerated his
existence.
Actually, I get the feeling that Yosho left the Court of Jurai to escape
the
stigma of being half-human, but that might just be a fanfic convention.
I was under the impression it was just a lack of desire to be an heir. That
veiled conversation he has with his mother seems to imply he wants Tenchi
to take his place on Jurai, and if there is a strong bias against partial
Earthlings, I doubt if he'd want Tenchi to go.
"But now I find myself not alone. Somehow, another bastard has survived
the
Emperor's long reach. No longer are you alone either, for now we have
each
other. I mean what I say. Please, join me. All that you could possibly
want
will be yours. All you have to do is take my hand." Once again Sa'bre
held
his hand out towards Tenchi.
"It is true," Sa'bre intoned, breathing stentoriously, "You are my
grand-nephew. Take my hand, nephew, and together we shall overthrow the
Emperor. Then we shall rule over the Empire as uncle and nephew." The hiss
of
his air regulator was loud in the silence. :)
But as equals, and there's no dark side of the Light Hawk Wings here. ^_^
"He's right," Tenchi agreed. He knew what was coming. Just as Sa'bre
could
see it in his eyes, so could he look in and see Sa'bre's soul. Two
dreams
had met and clashed. Only one could survive. The matter was going to be
There can only be one! :)
Heh
As one, two of each of the duelist's wings went into motion, flowing
over
each of the men that had created them. As they moved down each of their
forms, the material of their outfits changed into nearly identical
versions
of Juraian Royal Combat Uniforms. The only real differences between the
two
Suggest: 'Jurai Battle Armour' or some such; 'Combat Uniforms' sounds,
well,
uncool. :)
Okay.
were that Sa'bre's uniform carried more black along the arms, legs, and
chest, and that instead of the white puff balls that adorned Tenchi's
uniform, stylized gold snakes intertwining with one another had formed
on
Sa'bre's. The number and location of the snakes did exactly correlate
with
the ones' on Tenchi's outfit, making the decorations seem more alike tha
n
different.
Hmm. I almost expected the 'Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku' to start playing
here. :)
Which song is that to?
Sa'bre was taken aback by the result. He had never realized before that
with the power of the light hawk wings filling him, pure energy had
replaced his blood, and perhaps other things a well. How deep did the
changes go? On how deep a level did they occur? Were they no longer even
human?
Interesting concept: they become pure energy forms.
Or at least mostly energy. It appears in the aftermath of the Kagato fight
Tenchi took a hit and was glowing along the cut, but was somehow able to
maintain his body in spite of the injury (perhaps Tsunami's interference?)
It was as his own blade was no more than a foot away from Tenchi that
Sa'bre realized the depths of his mistake. In going for the opening on
Tenchi, and the nature of the boy's attack, Sa'bre was also leaving
himself
wide open from a strike from Tenchi. There was no doubt in the pirate's
mind that he would be able to run Tenchi through, but there was just as
little doubt that he would be unable to avoid Tenchi's own last,
retaliatory blow. Sa'bre wouldn't even be able to move enough to keep
the
thrust from being fatal.
Heh. Playing chicken with swords. :)
Just about.
As the last word left his lips, Sa'bre felt his corporeal form begin to
finally dissolve. Everything that made up the unique creature that he
had
once been was being summoned elsewhere. As conscious though began to
cease
to exist, he found himself hoping that he would get to see Ariana and
his
mother again.
'As his conscious thoughts...'?
just 'conscious thought'
That ended any thoughts of trying to risk a shot at Mihoshi. He could
see
the tension in her trigger finger. There was no way he could get a shot
off
without her firing into the stasis field. Likewise, there was no way she
could risk a shot at Malgaunt without him shooting Tenchi. A classic
Juraian Standoff.
Then Mihoshi's finger slipped on the trigger. "Ooopsie," she blurted out,
with
an expression on her face that would have been greatly familiar to a
long-suffering Washu.
Heh. Good thing it's good luck she has instead of bad. ^_^
It took five point three seconds for them to die. :)
Heh, again
Malgaunt couldn't believe his luck. What a naive fool Mihoshi was. She
must
have been even more burned out than he had heard if she was stupid
enough
to go through with this duel. Whereas it was true he was more than quick
Man, the guy never learns. :)
Actually, this trip is the first time his plans have really gone awry. Up
until now his scores have almost always been perfect. He's sure it's just a
fluke and he'd be back on the right track before you knew it.
Malgaunt fell to his knees, his chest going numb. His gaze at Mihoshi
was
one of disbelief. Of all the things that had happened to him on this
journey, of all the surprises, even Funuyaki's bitter betrayal, this was
the one he had anticipated least. "You cheated before I did."
Heheheh. :)
I can't think of too many times where the hero agrees to play fair then
turns around and basically stabs the bad guy in the back. I'm sure it's
been done lots of times, but I thought it would be a bit unexpected,
especially coming from Mihoshi, and when the scene was set up for your
classic gun duel.
She looked down at the small, nickel-sized, blackened hole in her
uniform,
located about an inch to the left of her sternum. That was the nice
things
about lasers. They cauterized the wound they made, and there was only a
minimal amount of bleeding, if any. That meant she wouldn't have to
worry
about getting rid of the blood stains when she clea-
Well, the uniform needed a thorough wash after last night, anyway. :)
Now it's going to have to been sewn up as well.
"NOOO!" Tenchi cried out as Mihoshi's eyes closed and she fell limply to
the ground.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm afraid I'm still studying the art of the cliffhanger. Hope you don't
mind.
Not at all. I use them frequently myself. :)
I actually don't use them all that often, and certainly not quite like
this. Generally I tried to leave the reader with some feeling of closure at
the end of a chapter, but this one seemed to cry out to be left right here.
Nice chapter. Fine pacing, good dueling scenes. But Stargrave died! And
after
you gave him all that background too.
Well, just the epilogue to go then.
Yep.
Hope this helps.
Of course it does, as always. And thanks a lot for it as well.
D.B. Sommer