At 04:34 -0800 16/02/00, S. Zoogz Jamison wrote:

 I meant to reply to this, despite the fact that I am busy with half-a-dozen other things, most of them having to do with schoolwork (and the other half of them to figure out how to see Japan when there is sixty-seven *new* centimeters of snow on the ground).  Heh.

  We got lots of snow here too in Sherbrooke in the last few days...  :)

 Anyway, before I start dissecting this part, I just wanted to make the comment... Mamoru (Endymion) really blows his stack in the new ending to chapter seven, doesn't he?  Never having read the manga, I really don't know about his character that much... but this is before Ranma really gets annoyed with the Senshi/Endymion about the situation too... Heh, my impression of Mamoru is that he really knows how to get under one's skin instead of yelling a challenge like that.  IMO, the scene would be better if he was challenging in a flat tone (the same flat tone Ranma uses later when Mamoru mentions Jusenkyo) rather than yelling.

  Blows his stack??  I see this passage as being the "peak" of his temper at the end of chapter 7:

  ..."The only way you could prove _that_ is if the rod didn't work for you, but you're too scared to find even that out!" replied Endymion, his voice getting louder.

  Endy might be getting angsty, but that's just because he's getting annoyed of all the excuses Ranma's mouthing off.  I don't really see him as blowing his stack.  Now against Mordecai, on the other hand... _that_ was being pissed off.

  As for the manga, yes, he's pretty calm most of the time, but he's never had to deal with the fact that a new Senshi might be a long-dead sister who got reincarnated.

   "RANMA! Are you okay?" Akane asked worriedly, helping him stand >up.

 Stylistic nit... all caps on the name.  Is she really all that concerned?

  <confused> Why wouldn't she be?

   "We are _definitely_ going to have to fix that problem," groused
the white cat.

   Luna blinked. "How?"

   Artemis paused. "I'll let you know when I find an answer."

   Luna shook her head in disappointment.

 This was a good interlude.  Put the brakes on, made the reader wait for the outcome of that flask... I meant to tell you this when you released the teaser, but there really wasn't much other reason to mail you... (gomen nasai!)
 Not only that, though, it made me wonder if they are actually able to 'cure' Ranma of his ailuraphobia too... maybe in a future part.

   Cure the ailurophobia?  Ah...  Well...  That's a secret!  :)

   Meanwhile, Minako blinked, then mentally went over what she'd >just said. She frowned. "That didn't come out right, did it?"

 Well, it never seems to...

  I had fun with that one.

   Ami passed the buck to Ranma. The martial artist was about to >pass the buck to someone else when Michiru, in an uncharacteristic >burst of annoyance, stepped up and shook Ranma by the shirt.

 Heh... yeah, that rather is uncharacteristic.  But hey, you warned us too... Even though...
 And, I guess this is just my opinion about another nit, but would Ami defer to someone else to explain... well, this?  It would make sense if you never included her (Minako to Ranma), but I would think Ami would at least try to help if asked...

 Ami wanted someone who was more tactful than her to explain the problem to Michiru (she considers herself too direct at times). Unfortunately, she thought that *Ranma* would be better at it since he was cursed too.

   That somehow annoyed Ranma even more. He turned back to Michiru,
who was developing a dangerous glint in her eyes. A quick look
revealed that Haruka was getting there quickly too.

 Is there another way to express 'getting there quickly'?  If she is getting annoyed, you could reflect it on other features too... like a twitch of the eyebrows, or a glare, or...

  Hmmm...  Point.

   Ranma frowned. *This is getting us nowhere!* He took the glass of
cold water from Minako's hands and sprayed some of it on her.

   "Hey!" the blonde protested. "What was _that_ for!?"

   "See?" Ranma said, pointing at the glass. "Regular cold water."

 Half of me actually agrees.  What *was* that for?  Everyone knows the curse by now, and he really didn't need a demonstration of the temperature of the water.  Especially since, as you wrote later, he's going to pour it on himself.   Heh... unless he's getting perverted.  ^_^

  He wanted to make sure Michiru wouldn't take the curse as some trick of the water he was going to pour on her, but still...

   Ranma turned back towards the shrine, and let out a deep breath.
*Time to deal with _this_ mess.* As she trudged back up the shrine
steps, she wondered why Akana hadn't made an appearance yet. *Oy!
Akana!* she hollered silently.

 "Come out an' talk ta me, ya' randy bugga'!" (Sorry.  ^_^)

  Great, now I have this image of "Horny Texan Terra" floating in my head.  Jamison no baka.  :P

   A bit later, Haruka was still grumbling about the various
operations she would perform on Happosai. Without anaesthetics, of
course.

 Most of them involving rusty butter knives?

  Nope.  Rusty _spoons_!  :)

   "So are you going to tell me what you were talking about with
Nodoka?" Akane asked Usagi, who was walking alongside her. Both girls
were heading back to the Hikawa Shrine, having taken their leave from
Nodoka a few minutes earlier. Katsunishiki had left even earlier,
scaring quite a few people as he left the neighborhood.

  Heh.  If asked about one of my favorite parts of a crossover, I would say 'Just like this'.  Two characters, who up until now have not interacted much at all, and they have little choice but to talk to one another.  This part, and the one later with Hotaru/Ranma, are ones I liked (but I have a couple comments below about Hotaru/Ranma, so I figured I'd mention it here).

  Glad you liked them...

   "Are you ever going to tell Ranma that you're the Saturn Knight?"
Usagi asked quietly.

 You know, that has become a good point.  I liked the way that the first part of this fic went, where people really didn't know where others stood.  I understand that Akane is still sorting out her thoughts, but the Senshi really have an obligation at this point to try to get Ranma to cooperate...

  An *obligation*?  Why?  Usagi's the one who wants to help Ranma...

and if I was one of them, I would have concluded at that conversation scene to tell Ranma, since I finally knew who Sailor Terra was.  Heh, I guess I'll have to wait to see how that plays out... (next part's coming out tomorrow, right? ^_^)

  <crossing fingers>  Sure it will!  :)

 For that matter... I have a small problem in one of the earlier parts about this... it's easily solvable, but I wanted to comment on it before I forgot too... (part 10)

"Not likely," answered Saturn, following Tuxedo Kamen. "We found out >something rather interesting about Ranko yesterday."

"What?" asked Akane, following Saturn. *This just keeps getting >better and better!* she thought wryly.

"That's not for me to tell," replied Saturn.

 Why not?  Akane already knows who Saturn is, and she is a reincarnation too.  That's a fine way to treat someone who (now) has a secret identity and wants to fight alongside you... if you'd like to solve it by having Saturn say, "Not now!  We don't have time!"... or even having TuxKamen saying something to that effect (like he did earlier) it would sound better.

  Saturn just wanted to respect Ranko's privacy.

   Akane flinched. "It's not quite that easy, Usagi-chan. Ranma..."
she sighed, "I just don't know how he'll react anymore. He really
seems to hate the whole idea of being a Senshi and he looks hell-bent
on holding that promise of his to me. If I tell him I'm the Knight, I
don't know what he'll think of me; I... _I'm_ the one who was
advocating for a quiet life and now..." she trailed off, unsure as to
how she should continue.

 Heh.  And she could have made up half-a-dozen excuses why she appeared the way she did too.  She's just stalling.  ^_^

  Love makes you do stupid things at times, and she's very much in love with Ranma.  It gets in her way of thinking decent excuses...  :)

   Usagi looked at Akane, trying to make sense out of what the older
girl rambled on about. This was the first time she'd heard anything
about a "Saffron", yet she didn't pry. Something told her that Akane
would not elaborate anyway. She sighed. It looked as if Sailor Terra
would not be making appearances after all. She thought of something

 Usagi's giving up *that* easily?  Wow.  That's... rather pathetic.

  Usagi's more empathic than the others when emotions are concerned. Besides, after the fight with Mordecai, she'll be back with a vengeance...  :)

   Akane was silent for a few moments, observing Rei. "Not yet," she
finally said.

   Rei's eyes got wide. "Why?"

   "Because I want to talk to Pluto, first," Akane said forcefully.
"I want to know if she had anything to do with this fiasco. I want to
know why she didn't prevent all this from happening!"

 Maybe I'll take over for Rei here.  "Why!?"  About the only reason I see behind this is that Akane is stalling again.  And if that isn't the case, then well... that's a really lame excuse.

  Because in that case, Akane believes she might be able to divert some of the blame for what happened on Pluto.  Akane _knows_ that Ranma's not gonna be very happy when he learns everything.

   The answer took Rei by surprise, although it should not have.
Akane had raised an extremely valid point. Where _was_ Setsuna? Why

 Yes, a valid point... but not a good enough one to hide behind. Even though I guess that would be my opinion.  I'm wondering if Rei is the easily distracted kind.

  Depends on the subject, I guess...

around, you won't have to buy a lot of new clothes..." He trailed off
when he saw the glares he was receiving from both girls. "Sorry!" he
amended quickly. "You know, if you can manage to get some
Nyannichuan, you'll be completely cured."

 I'm wondering why Ranma said this to Michiru.  Later on (actually the next line that I saved) he remembers his precognition... so why get Michiru's hopes up?  Especially if you are in full view of her, and will be later too?

   Ranma frowned. "Haruka, what about the vision?"

  Exactly!  He does remember it, so why did he bring it up to Michiru?

 Eventuality.  He didn't mean for her to go get it now, but eventually.  He wanted to let her know that there *is* hope.  Even if it's pretty thin.  Maybe I'll elaborate on this in a further revision.

   The martial artist scowled, but relented after a while. He hefted
his and Akane's bags and turned to Hotaru. "The point is this, kid: I
don't want her to be involved with this madness. She doesn't want any
part of it, trust me. If you wanna stay _friends_ with her, I won't
stop you, but don't drag her in any Senshi business, got that?" he
warned.

 Heh... guess Ranma feels pretty strong about it.  I guess he wasn't curious at all about the girl who came with Sailor Saturn?

  He's got more pressing problems on his mind right now, trust me. The SatKnight matter will be explored a bit further in chapter 13...

   Ranma scowled. "There ain't gonna _be_ other things if I can help
it." He quickly walked to the living room, preventing Hotaru from
discussing the point further.

  Yup... nothing was settled.  Everything's still up in the air.

   As for Hotaru, she thought either of Michiru or of Akane. The
first was quite understandable, as it wasn't every day that the
figure you tended to think of as your mother suddenly became cursed
to change into a man when wet. As for Akane, Hotaru was still
concerned about what would happen between her and Ranma. She knew
that her "sister" was in a bind. Akane had begged Ranma to try and
not get into fights, something that Ranma had promised he would try.
Only now, the tables were reversed and Akane was the hinge on which
everything rested. That was assuming that Ranma wanted anything more
to do with the Senshi.

  Well, heck... considering how close the two of them are, you could have Hotaru plan a talk with Akane... it's not like she's completely under Ranma's watch (considering the last... how many times they met)

  That comes a bit later.  She had to leave and it would have made Ranma suspicious for Hotaru to tag along and speak in secret to Akane or something like that...

   Her musings came to an end as Haruka pulled the car up in their
small house's driveway. Haruka had once explained that between her
wealth and Michiru's, they could have gotten something much bigger,
but they didn't want to attract attention. Left unsaid was the
staggering amount of secret funds Setsuna could tap into if things
became necessary. Haruka and Michiru were silently walking up to the
door when the automatic sprinklers that were installed on the front
lawn suddenly activated, spraying the two young women.

 If being in Japan has taught me much, it's that there are almost *no* lawns to speak of... just small little plots of rice or cabbage or... well, et cetera...  Wouldn't surprise me in Tokyo, but I haven't been there yet either.

  Oh...  Will fix that, then.

   Setsuna's eyes were far away for a moment. "By the one who >granted me my power," she said stiffly.

 Just vague enough to do some decent foreshadowing...

  You don't have the *slightest* idea what *this* is foreshadowing... <evil grin>

   Setsuna paused. "Think about it this way: a Jusenkyou curse is
always inflicted for a reason. What that reason is, I don't know.
Perhaps only Jusenkyou knows it. As long as you haven't fulfilled
that reason, any attempt to get cured will only result in disaster."

 And this is too.  Boy, if these *don't* have anything to do with whatever happens close to or at the end, then you're throwing some decent red herrings into the path.

  <innocent> Red herrings?  What're those?  :)

   Haruka blinked, and the Guardian of Time faded into nothingness.

 This was the one thing that I was really sort of curious about in this scene.  Why did Setsuna come in the first place?  She obviously didn't mean to talk to Haruka and Michiru on this night, and they do live together... and if she wanted an update on what was going on, she either would have woke them up or found out herself.  I suppose the only reason behind this I can find is that she doesn't want to deal with Michiru and Haruka anymore... but that's pretty mean, really.  Especially now.

  She wants to find out as soon as possible what happened to bring Nannicuan to Japan.  You still don't know what yet, but Setsuna has a _lot_ riding on this.

  Besides, she knows that Haruka is the best company for Michiru right now.  Sets hasn't had to comfort people in a long time...

   What _did_ happen? Well, that... is a secret.

  Arrgh, you!  ^_^  (Yes, I did see that note at the end too...)

  A suggestion from my roomie Xellos.  :)

   Ranma looked at her disappearing image, then at the golden glow
outside the dream dojo. He scowled.

 This whole scene was good when I read it at the teaser stage, and the stuff you added was capital too.  No complaints, just an idle (rhetorical) question... if Akana's going away, does that mean her will is being incorporated into Ranma's?  (Don't answer this if this is another part, or even if it's way off-base... I like surprises.)

  Later!  :)

   A few exchanged good-byes later, Ranma was left alone in the
apartment. It seemed as though things were going to work out after
all. No split personalities, no Senshi... just him and Akane. #RING#

 Another beautiful line.  I can taste the slow-roasted irony, flavored with a pinch of coincidence... ^_^

  Ranma vs. Sestuna...  It's gonna be Armageddon between those two at one point.

   Ranma thought about it. It was true that having a Jusenkyou curse
wasn't a ticket to an easy life. *Well, I did promise Mom I'd help
the girl, and she says she's not there to bug me,* he reflected.
"Okay, I suppose I can come, but I really need to buy some stuff for
our apartment, so could we possibly meet somewhere else than your
place?"

 I kept thinking about this one... it was a rather strange request. I wonder if it would be made easier by having him explain that he had classes later, and wouldn't be free until really late at night... and Haruka telling him that she (and Michiru) would rather talk to him now, and therefore go with him shopping.

  I dunno, like I wrote, Ranma's thinking about his promise to Nodoka.

   Ranma nodded, though Haruka couldn't see it. He much preferred
public spaces, as they wouldn't be tempted to try any Sesnhi stunts
there. "Where do you want us to meet once we're at the mall?"

 One of the very few spelling errors I saw.  'Senshi stunts'  (Very clean, and a good job to your proofreaders... I salute them)

  Yeah, the "army" does a great job!  :)

   Giving a small sigh of regret, Pluto focused her temporal sight >on Happosai. What she saw made her blanch. *How could anyone be >foolish enough to release one of _them_?* And it was too late to >stop it, too. She stepped out of the time stream, reappearing in the >house she shared with the other Senshi.
   As soon as her feet touched the ground, she ran out of the house
and kept running.

 Wouldn't she be stepping *into* the time stream, if she came to the house and is now running that way?  (She wasn't there when the fight started...)

  Ano...  She was *in* the stream when she was watching Happosai...

 Boy, Setsuna's *really* been getting distracted lately.  Maybe she shouldn't moonlight as a college counselor anymore.  ^_^

  Not on her life!  :)

   Ranma jumped back in surprise. "Who the hell are you!" he
demanded. "Whaddya want with me!"

 Might either one of those 'exclamations' come with a question mark too?  I imagine Ranma's truly curious.

  Riiiight...

   Ranma had already tried to jump or run out of the sphere without
success. He was lobbing Mouko Takabishas around, but without being
able to sense Mordecai's presence anymore, he had no idea if any of
his attacks had connected. A badly bruised arm and a long gash on his
left leg were painful reminders of the consequences of trying
hand-to-hand combat with the Arch-Demon.

 I figured here was as good a place as any to tell you that I always have been a fan of the fight scenes you write.  Bravo!  (Encore! Soon!  ^_^)

  You do?  I always give myself hell trying to write them...

   Neptune looked up and saw Sailor Terra readying a Ki-blast.
"You're MINE, Mordecai," she warned, releasing the blast and blowing
Mordecai even further down.

  Heh... no speech?  For that matter, Neptune and Uranus didn't either... is this the beginning of the 'shoot first' Senshi?  ^_^

  That's actually among the first things Ranma's going try to teach the Senshi.  :)

 (This next one is a bit out of order, but I wanted to put the both of them together...)

   Tuxedo Kamen's eyes widened. "Are you crazy? You're good, _damn_
good, even, but that thing already crushed your arms once! You'll get
massacred if you try and get close to it again!"

 <and>

   Before Mordecai could get up, Terra pounced on him. Tuxedo Kamen
heard the faint words: "Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken revised: Armageddon
Symphony." And then it began. Sailor Terra was not only doing the
Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken, but was executing a World Shaking with
each punch.

 Heh.  I wonder how effective she can be with crushed arms.  Unless the transformation helped out.  Or Tuxedo Kamen.  If there is any explanation for it, it would be good...  Obviously the World Shaking aspect is what got him, but Terra's gotta deliver it somehow and she can't do it with arms of Jell-O.  (The air resistance would get her, especially at Amagurikan speed.)

  Read a bit when Tuxy digs Ranma out.  He manages to partially heal Ranma's arms.  As for the Armegeddon Symphony, who says it didn't have any after-effects?  :)

unconscious form away from the still twitching Mordecai. Terra was
completely unconscious, a fact that didn't reassure Tuxedo Kamen

 To repeat it twice is a bit redundant... it probably would work better if you had Tuxedo Kamen carry his sibling away from Mordecai, and then reveal that Terra was completely unconscious.

  Didn't notice it.  Thanks.

much. He could barely feel the link between him and her. He tried to
give her some of his energy, using the same trick as before, but
found out he was too exhausted.

 Did this help heal her arms?  If so, is there any way you could be clearer about it?

  I quote from earlier in the fic:

  [    Tuxedo Kamen winced when he saw the sorry state Ranma was in. the martial artist had managed to block the blow, but only barely. His arms now looked like they were both broken in several places, and that was ignoring all the other bruises he had. Acting on instinct, he put his hands on Ranma's arms and suddenly, there was a bright flash.

  Ranma came to with a yelp. Blinking his eyes to try and focus, he saw Tuxedo Kamen beside him, looking a bit tired and staring at his hands in puzzlement. "What are you doing here?" Ranma groaned, struggling to stand up.

  Tuxedo Kamen helped him up. "I was shopping here when everything went to hell. What does that thing want with you, anyway?"

  Ranma shrugged and looked at his arms. *Weird,* he thought, flexing his hands. *When I blocked Mordecai, I could have sworn he'd crushed both my arms. It sure _felt_ like it*

  Tuxedo Kamen saw what he was looking at. "You arms looked like hell. I think I did something without realizing it with the... that power."    ]

  I thought it was clearly said, plus remember what Terra told Kanma in the past in part 9 about her and Endy's abilities.

   - The Battles Have Begun... <wink> Next, on LoD: Why did Terra
reappear? Who is watching the Senshi? More chaos!  What *did* happen
between Mordecai and the "old gnome"? Setsuna gets chewed out by the
Jusenkyou Division! It's Happosai season and Michiru wants a piece
(so do others, for that matter).  Also, for those who wonder, this
chapter marked the beginning of the second half of the fic. It's
halfway done! I think. Don't quote me on that...

 And I can't wait!

- Fuku/male-female transformations: wait for chapter 13.  I'm not
going to start now...

 And I can't wait!

  You'll have to...  :)

 Well, I do believe that puts a cap on this one.  It was very well-written, like all the other parts.  I am a big fan of this series and remain so, and I hope the next one comes soon!  This series to me is always a great read.  If you have any other questions, I will remain here to answer/talk about them, and you know the other places I frequent (namely FFIRC)
 Keep up the great work!

  I try to appear on the FFIRC at times, but I have a lot to do in Real Life...

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