It's late, I'm tired and lazier than a cat on a warm spot, so
just a quick summary:
Grammatically, your writing is very close to flawless, you handle dialogue
ok,
etc. It was quite nice to read.
Are you *sure* this is your first work?
Few things, though.
You seemed to alter between <> and ** when describing thoughts. I suggest
either sticking to one, or using "" 's. Personally I recommend using the **
to
emphasize words, but that's just me.
Also, you seemed to use Oooos in several places.
Don't.
It doesn't look or feel good. For such instances, either reword, or use Oh!
's or Ooh's.
No more than two of the same letters in a row, please.
Also, I'm sure some people will feel that putting editorial notes into the
text is breaking
the fourth wall, and disrupting the story flow. Personally, I like the
occasional comments,
but their use should be carefully considered, and either separated from the
main text more
efficiently (Check out Rowan's private bets for examples, of outside
commentary), or fused
into the narrative text.
Also, it wasn't obviously clear at which point this story starts off. I
presumed the post-manga, but
in that case so many things have changed that the characterisation must be,
sorta, "Out of character".
E.G, Ranma, Mousse and Ryoga should be quite comfortable with each other,
also, several people should
be very pissed with Nabiki, and there might be some issues between
Ranma&Akane vs. rest of the fiancees
(Well, a fiancee, a wife and an admirer ^^)
Of course, that's IMO.
Anyways, this was quite good. I hope to see more of your works soon
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www.ratol.fi/~eruuska