----- Original Message -----
From: "Allyn Yonge" <ayonge@yahoo.com>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>; <catthouse@lweb.net>
Sent: February 9, 2000 10:08 PM
Subject: C&C[Fanfic][xover][r.5/BTVS]Akane The Vampire Slayer Part Four
Hi,
My comments##
(I told you I'd C&C ^_^)
{Sorry it's so late. I finished it a week ago but Real Life . . . <sigh>}
(My responses %%)
%% Once again, any C+C from you is worth waiting for. Often painful
(wink) but worth waiting for...
>SNIP<
## "venerable edifice"???
%%Too pretentious? I tend to do that. I'll look at changing it.
>SNIP<
When he'd checked the usual hangouts of the
loosely affiliated band of martial artists known to the locals as
the Nerima Wrecking Crew,
##Well, maybe. I find the "Nerima Wrecking Crew" to
be too cute. Especially given the death and destruction
involved in the story thus far.
%%Point to you. I'll change it.
he'd found the Nekohanten deserted.
Akane's favorite Kissaten
##Hmmm, this is a judgement call. I had to look up
"Kissaten". From context I figured it was a restaurant
or 'hangout' so I was close. I like to use a lot
of Japanese in my stories, especially if it's something
that doesn't translate well. And to give the story
a Japanese "flavor". However if you can try to define
the term within the paragraph. It might not be necessary
in this case since context tells the reader it's some sort
of generic hangout. (could be a clothing store also).
Example::
Akane's favorite Kissaten had been likewise been free of martial
artists. No one at the coffee house had seen her for weeks.
%%Arguable, but your version works equally well. As far as I'm
concerned, it's a toss-up.
had been likewise been free of martial
artists. There hadn't been any sign of the gang at Furinkan,
either. Finally, he'd found his way to Ucchan's Okonomiyaki,
where a grim Ukyou had informed him that the Tendous had moved
away, but she'd be happy to give him directions to where they
were staying. It was a long trip to Juuban, at least it had been
for him...
<SNIP> A rather cute and well written segment. However
it seemed to be overly long for a transition or informative piece.
Even if ALL the information in this segment is needed IMO it
could still be shortened. It's interesting to see Ryouga start
getting up to speed and the interaction is cute in spots.
IMO it slows the pace of the story at this length.
Shorten this bit to give ONLY what is absolutely
necessary for the story. (Introducing Ryouga)
%%Hmm. You're probably right. This was originally part of a separate
side-story, so I had deemed the info necessary in the original. I'll look at
trimming it for this version, though.
LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, 1:05 am
The sleek black convertible parked at the arrivals gate and
disgorged its lone occupant, a tall, dark-haired man dressed in a
black leather trenchcoat over a charcoal silk shirt and matching
slacks. He glanced up at the sky, trying to divine whether it was
going to rain or not. Preferring to err on the side of caution,
he leaned back in and toggled the roof closed before activating
the alarm and entering the terminal.
##Ummmm, Nice set up. IMO the man's physical description should
be broken into smaller chunks. But it's right on the edge so not a big
problem. OTOH I can't imagine anyone leaving a convertible at an airport
with the top down. But perhaps that's my suspicious nature. ^_^
%%Heh. A good point.
Even at this hour, the terminal was a teeming mass of
humanity, the sheer number of people boggled his enhanced senses.
Wincing slightly, he shouldered his way through the herd towards
the LED sign displaying the arriving planes by number and gate.
Quantas Flight 141 was due in about twenty minutes.
Taking a seat as soon as one became available, he
instinctively scanned the crowd, his keen hunters eye spotting
the weak, the old, the ones who would not be missed. With a
scowl, he dismissed the thoughts. His senses, refined over two
hundred and forty-four years, still insisted on performing tasks
he no longer required. Well, he amended, no longer DESIRED to
require.
## "DESIRED to require." is awkward. ^_^
Good set up. A little rough. Could stand to be smoothed
out.
%%Yep, no argument.
Discreetly, he sipped at the silver flask he kept in the
inside breast pocket of his coat, careful not to draw the
attention of security, who might wrongly assume he was sneaking a
nip of hootch.
## "Hootch"??? "Sneaking a nip of hootch"??? ^_^
Errrrr, this sounds VERY odd.
%%Eh, I tend to phrase things a little oddly sometimes. Consider it
re-written.
>SNIP<
He made his way over to the observation window and peered
out, spotting the 747 bearing the red Quantas logo almost
instantly.
##Just out of curiosity . . .why Quantus rather than JAL???
%%Heheheheh.... (Dave bigsweats) Would you believe I couldn't remember
the name of the Japanese National Airline when I wrote chapter three? And I
had to be consistent, so...
It had taxied up to the accordion-like shape of the
disembarkation platform, but the tarmac alongside the plane was
abuzz with activity. Mechanics, technicians and airport EMS staff
scurried around like angry hornets. An upwards glance revealed
that there was some visible damage to the side of the plane. One
of the emergency exits looked as though it had been wrenched off
its hinges then jammed back into place with sufficient force to
damage the surrounding fuselage.
##Ummmm, nit-pick. IMO a jet is so thin skinned
that if you ripped off a hatch you wouldn't be able to
jam it back in place. Trying to do so would
probably cause more damage. (You can poke a hole
in the side of most airplanes with a screw-driver.)
I think this description need a little re-write.
There have been several instances of aircraft losing hatches
in-flight or sections of cabin. IMO better to leave the plane
with a hole in the side.
%%Errr, yeah, but I'm sort of stuck with this now. The actual damage
occurred in chapter three, and nobody pointed it out to me then, so, once
again, I'm stuck with it, in order to remain consistent. (I _KNEW_ I
shouldn't have posted part three while you were off the list...^_^
As he watched, the hatch of the
rear emergency exit blew open, spilling out a rapidly-inflating
rescue slide.
##If they've made it this far why the emergency slide?
They are NOT easy to use. Why not just use roll-up stairs?
IMO if it's this much of an emergency they wouldn't have
taken the time to taxi up to the exit.
%%Valid points regarding the whole airplane scene from here on in. To be
honest, I haven't been ON a plane myself in years, so my memory of these
things is pretty scant. I bow to your (and the learning channels) superior
knowledge. This will be re-written.
>SNIP<
He noticed her scrutiny and tried on a cautious smile she
expected was supposed to put her at ease. Reaching into his coat,
he pulled out a piece of cardboard and held it up facing her.
Sloppily written kanjii characters were inscribed on it in
black magic marker, spelling out her name. Despite herself, she
smiled. It was hard to be wary when faced with an immortal
creature of darkness who's handwriting was worse than her
five-year-old cousin Shin's... She walked over, hauling her
suitcases.
##Cute. Perhaps " . . .worse than Ranchann's"
IMO this simplifies things. You don't have to introduce
an unknown character. Plus, IMO, the reader will have a better
feel for the sloppy handwriting given their knowledge
of Ranma's character.
%%Fair enough. Change is underway.
"Hi... " The vampire said awkwardly. "I'm a friend of a
friend of Ranma..."
"Yes, I know." Ukyou responded in accented English. "You are
Angel?"
He looked surprised for a moment.
"How did... Oh. You checked in with Buffy, hunh?"
##Don't need "hunh"
She
nodded, carefully watching his expression. "She told you that
I'm, er... ?"
"Yes... I feel I should inform you that I am a trained
martial artist, and am quite capable of defending myself should
you decide you are in the mood for a late night snack."
##???errrr, this seems very strange. IMO delete it or
change it so it's not quite so stilted.
%%I'm walking a fine line with this. I'm trying to show that her English
_is_ stilted, since she's not used to speaking it, although she does have a
better command of the language than Ranma and Akane did back in chapter one.
I'll try to illustrate this better, though.
"Fair enough, but I don't really do that anymore..."
##Cute line.
"So I have been told. Listen, I am very sorry you have been
inconvenienced, but I am presently in no danger... You can go, if
you would like to."
##how does she know that? If she'd just trying to ditch Angel
there needs to be some indication of this.
This also reminds me of all those "teen slasher movies" where
everyone separates to go investigate the strange noise rather
than running like h**l for the police. IMO if you've got
hordes of un-dead martial artists trying to suck your soul
then you want all the help you can get. ^_^
(IMO two or more un-dead blood suckers constitutes
a horde)
"That's all right. I made a promise to Buffy that I'd look
out for you. It's no problem."
"But I... Well, If you must. Could you give me a hand with
these?" She nodded down at the suitcases. "I need to get these
over to my connecting flight."
"Hmm, what? Oh, okay..." He hefted the two bags easily.
"Lead on..."
##why the "Hmm, what?" His "distraction" or whatever
doesn't seem to fit.
%%I was trying to capture David Boreanz (did i spell that right?) speech
pattern, without success, apparently. He tends to hem and haw a fair amount
when speaking his lines, but I guess it doesn't translate too well to print.
I'll work on it.
Unbeknownst to Ukyou and Angel, they too were being
observed, by a pair of almond-shaped sapphire eyes, eyes that saw
on more levels than the mundane dimension that was (if only by
majority consensus) called reality.
##Very convoluted. Lose the "Unbeknownst" and simplify.
IMO this particular scene calls for simplicity and brevity.
This is a personal stylistic belief. IMO this scene is to show that
there is an unknown watcher. And to give some details about
the watcher.
They were attached to a
statuesque Chinese woman who gave the appearance of being in her
mid-twenties. She was dressed in a stylish Givenchy pantsuit
exquisitely tailored so as to highlight her obvious physical
assets without revealing so much as a hint of skin. Her
golden-blonde hair was done up into a conservative bun held in
place by a silver hairpin bearing a delicate dragon filigree. Her
companion was a younger girl of about eighteen, her ridiculously-pink
hair
done up in an exotic odango-style with jade ornaments and a pair
of delicately-wrought golden earrings in the shape of tiny axes.
The girl, despite her exotic looks, was wearing the uniform of
teenagers across the globe, a loose T-shirt and blue jeans over
sneakers. Both women shared a basic similarity of feature that
indicated a close family resemblance.
##OK, this is MUCH too involved and static a section.
Good descriptions and very detailed. Just not the place or
pace. One option would be to drastically shorten
this section.
IMO, it's better to break this up into smaller pieces
interposed smoothly with action or activity as the story progresses.
For instance have Ukyou admire the hairpin of the unknown Chinese woman
or have the young girl touch her ear-ring as they are getting into a cab.
At
any rate do NOT just stop the story to give this information.
"<Hmm... Interesting.>" The golden-haired woman said,
following the vampire and the martial artist with those piercing
sapphire eyes. Her younger companion looked up.
"<What was that, Grandmother?>"
"<That couple over there... What can you tell me about
them?>"
The teenager glanced in the direction her elder had
indicated and sniffed the air. Frowning, she turned back to her
companion.
"<The Japanese seems... familiar somehow. Should I know
her?>"
The older woman smiled faintly.
"<No, I suppose not. And the man?>"
"<It's odd, Grandmother, but he smells... wrong. Cold. Is he
a threat?>"
"<No, not that one. But do let me know if you detect any
others like him, hmm?>"
"<Of course, if you wish...>"
The golden-haired woman nodded with a fond smile at her
pink-haired companion, before placing her right hand lightly
on the younger girl's shoulder. Her left hand moved upwards in a
slicing motion, leaving a thin trail of honey-colored light in
its wake, which quickly stretched into a vertical beam about six
feet high. She stepped forwards into the line of light, drawing
her companion with her. In a moment, the two were gone as though
they had never been, the light fading behind them.
The milling crowds took no notice of their departure, just
as they had taken no notice of their arrival moments before...
##Nice. IMO you could work a lot of the descriptive info into
the otherwise naked dialogue of this section.
<SNIP> Good dialogue.
%%Okey-dokey. Good suggestion. I'll do that.
JAPAN
Ryouga came to on the couch, someone having dressed him in
his slightly damp clothes. As his eyes focused, he took in his
surroundings from his prone perspective. The two strange girls
and the panda were looking at him with varying looks of concern,
while Nabiki was going through his wallet.
"Hey!! Put that down!!"
Nabiki glanced over unconcerned as she replaced the battered
leather billfold on the coffee table with a shrug.
"Fine. Pay me when you can." She stood and walked up the
stairs, oblivious to Ryouga's scowl. The two new girls watched
her go, and an odd look of sympathy passed between them before
they returned their attention to the strange (and fairly
handsome, in a rumpled sort of way) boy who'd appeared in their
living room.
##IMO this section is too slow. And, IMO, you need to explain
a little about Nabiki and the devil hunters. You've spent a lot
of time setting up Ryouga and these three but we don't know why.
Perhaps I'm too impatient. ^_^
(Even if you put it in earlier chapters the reader may have forgotten
by the time the next chapter comes out) It's not in the otherwise
excellent "what has gone before". So I'm at a loss to understand
What, Where and Why. (I'm especially curious about Nabiki.
She should have at least said WHY she's charging Ryouga 500 yen) OR
perhaps not. It may be that you are setting up Nabiki for
future events in the story. Even in that case I feel that there
needs to be a _little_ more exposition for foreshadowing.
Ryouga blushed awkwardly, and sat up.
"Uhhh, gomen, folks... " Both girls smiled understandingly.
"That's okay," said the odango-girl with a smile. "You've
just got one of those Jusenkyo curses like Saotome-san, right?"
"H-hunh? Uh, yeah, that's right... You're not mad, or
upset?"
"Why should we be mad? I should really apologize to YOU for
knocking that vase out the window and on to your head." The
shorter of the two girls said, with a winning smile that made
Ryouga's ears turn pink. "I'm Kanzaki Azusa, Apprentice Devil
Hunter, and this is my sempai, Manou Yohko, the 109th Devil
Hunter. What's your name, sir?"
"Uhh, Hibiki Ryouga. D-did you say that you're a Devil
Hunter? What's that mean?"
"I'll tell you what it means!!" A voice said from the
doorway. The trio turned to see a girl about Yohko's age taking
off her sneakers and stepping into a pair of slippers. "It means
that she's fully capable of meeting all your exorcism and
monster-slaying needs! For a reasonable fee, of course..." She
had chestnut hair worn loose to her shoulders and sported a pair
of stylish eyeglasses over her sky blue eyes. She was dressed
fashionably in the latest style of jogging gear. Yohko greeted
her cheerfully.
"Hiya Chi! You're here early!"
"Well, I needed to talk to Nab-chan about our latest
promotional campaign before we went out shopping. Now, Mr.
Wet-Stranger, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Ogawa Chikako,
Devil Hunter Manager extraordinaire and all-around financial
genius. Are you in need of my client's expertise? Oni in the
bathtub? Youma in your garden? What seems to be the trouble?" She
strode over confidently, sitting down across from Ryouga and
looking him over speculatively.
##Other than an obsessive need to describe what people are
wearing in sudden chunks you do good dialogue. ^_^
"Ogawa" is especially cute. I like this a LOT.
%%Kind words. I'll work on my "obsessive need." ^_^
"Uh.. No, no... I'm just looking for a-a f-friend, I
guess... Is Tendou Akane here? A mutual friend told me she was
staying here."
The three girls exchanged a worried glance. Azusa finally
took pity on the handsome scruffy boy and filled him in.
##Ummm, IMO too many "friend" in a row. And I think you've
already established Ryouga is both handsome and scruffy. Perhaps
some different descriptors.
"I'm very sorry, Hibiki-san, but Tendou-san left almost a
month ago for America with my cousin Ranma and Tofu-Sensei."
The whine of a cicada echoed in the silence. The wind-chime
in the window tinkled once in the faint breeze.
##I like this as well. VERY nice bit.
"L-left? For America?! She's g-gone?!!"
"I'm afraid so," Azusa said sympathetically.
"With... Ranma?"
Azusa nodded.
"Why?"
## No "DIE RANMA!!!" ? ^_^ This seems
just a little too subdued for Ryouga.
I'd expect him to at least punch some holes in the wall
with his finger or something.
%%It's coming soon. I figured he'd go through shock before hitting
anger, but that's just by HO.
"Well, after what happened in Nerima, they had to leave the
country. They went to a place called Sunnydale to train with a
famous Slayer of Demons, a girl who studies an art very similar
to Yohko-sempai's."
##Why not just call her a "Demon Hunter"?
%%Too close to "Devil-Hunter", IMHO, and she's not specialized like
Yohko. I can work on it, though.
SNIP<
"It's not really my place to say, Hibiki-san..." Azusa said,
bowing her head.
"Well then whose is it?!
##That's what _I_ want to know? What's the big secret?
Again this reminds me of those slasher movies where everyone
splits up to go investigate a strange noise just after the first
headless body has been found.
It doesn't make sense to me.
Damn it, Akane is the girl I
l-l-l... Well, she's a very good friend!! Why can't anyone tell
me what happened?!" He looked around the room, frustrated beyond
measure. The three girls looked away guiltily. The panda merely
played with his beachball.
"RRRRrr, that's it, old man! You're gonna do some talking!"
Ryouga strode over and grabbed the panda by the scruff of his
neck and dragged the beast into the kitchen, kicking and
growfing.
##Drop the sound effects. IMO::
"That's it, old man." Ryouga growled like a diesel with
a warped main bearing. "Talk or die!" Ryouga grabbed the
panda and dragged him into the kitchen whimpering and crying.
IMO it's better to describe Ryouga's tone of voice
and demonstrate his anger with action. In this case short
sharp sentences work better for anger. Longer more
sedate sentences work best with more benign emotions.
%%Hai.
Finding another kettle on the boil, he turned off the gas
and dumped the hot water over the panda, triggering a
metamorphosis into a middle-aged man wearing glasses, a white gi
and a kerchief covering his bald head. He had the look of a once
powerful man gone slightly to seed.
##Ummm, the clothes don't come with the change.
Either provide the clothes or <shudder> have a naked Genma.
%% Genma (and Pantyhose) seem to be able to change with their clothes
ON, unlike the others. Someone once said it had to do with the fact that
their cursed formsare larger than their real forms. I cite both the manga
and Anime as evidence.
"Now now, boy. There's no need to be so rough about it..."
"Shut up! You're gonna tell me what happened in Nerima, and
you're gonna tell me now!!!" He raised a fist menacingly, causing
Saotome Genma to quail.
##Too stock. I'd like a little more description of
Ryouga's anger than "menacingly" and Genma's
fear than "quail"
%%Okay, can do.
"All right, all right, settle down, boy. Let me up, and I'll
tell you everything... In the living room."
"Okay, but don't even TRY to get out of this!"
The two men walked back into the living room and sat down.
Genma assumed a pensive pose that looked altogether too
well-rehearsed for Ryouga's liking. Azusa and Yohko sat patiently
nearby, while Chi bowed out to go visit Nabiki upstairs.
"Azusa dear, would you be so kind as to fetch me a cup of
tea?"
"Certainly, Ojisan Saotome." The petite girl hurried into
the kitchen, dragging a recalcitrant Yohko by the ponytails
behind her.
"Where do I begin?" Genma said pensively. "Hmm. I suppose it
all started when Mousse returned from China once mo
re..."
##I think "Saotome Ojisan" or perhaps just "Ojisan".
%%Okay.
This bit with Ryouga/Genma is unsatisfying. It doesn't really
convey much of Ryouga's anger and frustration. And Genma
comes across as very card-board. IMO this has a lot of potential
but needs a complete re-write to bring out all of the emotions.
%% Gambatte mas!
In the kitchen, the two girls eavesdropped discreetly while
waiting for the kettle to boil.
"Why'd you drag me in here, Azusa? that boy is so-o cute!"
"Yohko-sempai, could you PLEASE think about something other
than boy-chasing for a change? Hibiki-san will no doubt be very
upset when he finds out what happened to Itokosan and his
iinazuke's family. He seems to be very fond of Akane-chan, don't
you think?"
##Itokosan??? I had to look that one up. ^_^
Again, define unfamiliar terms. Especially ones
that are hard to get from context. Try::
"Hibiki-san will be very upset when he finds out what happened
to itokosan. He seems to be very fond of my cousin's iinazuke, don't
you think?"
%%Fair enough.
Although in this case I think "cousin" might work just as well
as "itokosan".
"Awww... Akane-chan has all the luck..."
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that on the grounds that
it makes you sound like a dingbat, Sempai."
"Nani?!"
"Akane-chan has just gone through a horrible tragedy, and
you think she's lucky?! Tsk. Poor Hibiki-san..."
"Hmm? I think YOU'RE the one who's boy-chasing, Azusa. 'Poor
Hibiki-san', indeed."
"Well, he seems like a very nice boy, and he doesn't have a
chance with Akane-chan... There's just something about him that
makes me want to take care of him..."
"Ooh! You ARE sweet on him! Wait'll I tell Chi!"
"Don't you dare!"
"I will, so there!" Yohko pulled a red-eye and laughed.
"RRRrr, Yohko-sempai, you are SO immmature!!"
"Nyahh!"
##Drop the "RRRrr".
Ummmm, I'm not sure what this scene did. I'm much more
interested in Ryouga and Genma. OTOH I realize you don't want to
re-hash what-has-gone-before. IMO this scene should be drastically
shortened. OR it needs to be more productive in terms of advancing the
story.
I'm not really learning much in terms of vampire slaying or what the
villains are doing, etc. And while some of the scenes and dialogue are
cute most of seems to be filler.
%%I will endeavor to improve it.
The girls re-entered the living room with two cups of tea as
Genma finished telling his tale.
"... So my son and Akane left with Tofu-Sensei to train
under this Summers person. Nabiki, my wife and I came to stay
here with the Manous while Soun-kun recovers in the hospital. I
fear that the loss of poor Kasumi was too much for him. He's
never been the same since Kimiko-chan passed away so many years
ago, and now this..." He sighed, shaking his head. "Our only
consolation is that the Master perished as well. Thank the Kami
for small mercies..."
"Excuse me for a minute, will you?" Ryouga said
mechanically, walking out the front door and closing it behind
him. No one failed to notice the flickering bands of dark energy
that were gathering around the Lost Boy's body. The girls
exchanged puzzled glances, before wincing as a bright flash went
off outside, accompanied by a guttural yell and shockwave that
blew out the front windows in a hail of glass.
"SHI... SHI... HOUKOUDAN!!!!!!!!"
KA-SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!"
##Very nice. except for the sound effects. IMO better to describe
the blast.
%%To describe or not to describe, that is the question. I can never
tell... All right, I'll see what I can do...
>SNIP<
Chi was the
first to recover.
"NANI?! Who's going to pay for the damages?! This is
ridiculous!"
Nabiki walked up behind her and draped her arms over Chi's
shoulders.
"Don't worry, Chi-baby. Pig-boy has a fat wallet." She said
wryly. "C'mon, let's go back to our little project, hmm?" Chi
blushed a deep crimson and tittered nervously as Nabiki led her
back upstairs by the hand.
Yohko stared after the duo, noticing that Chi's T-Shirt was
on inside out. No way...
Azusa merely smiled benevolently.
"Those two are such good friends!"
##^_^ Cute.
minor points:
1)I don't think NANI works here. IMO
better to use an English word of phrase. Perhaps
"What the hell?"
OR
"Nani!?" Chi was the first to recover. "Who's going to . . ."
2)The idea that Ryouga has a fat wallet is a little
disconcerting. You might have Ryouga give some
explanation for this a little earlier. I realize you had
Nabiki looking through his wallet but there was no indication
that Ryouga had "a fat wallet."
%%Explanation shall be provided.
NERIMA JAPAN, ONE MONTH AGO
The three figures trudged wearily through the night-darkened
forest of memorial stones, their footsteps crunching on the dry
white gravel path. The lead figure bore a small black satchel in
one trembling hand, the other clutching a flashlight to
illuminate their progress. His two younger companions followed
silently, absently scanning the area with haunted eyes for any
other signs of movement.
Not a day earlier, the trio, and many others, had walked
this same path, bearing the remains of one who was once a beloved
sister and hoped-for lover to what the majority of mourners had
thought would be her final resting place. To their sorrow, these
three knew that this was not to be.
##nice.
They stopped their trek at the Tendou family plot, the beam
of the torch alighting on the shrine, a larger mirror image of
the one at the dojo, stopping for a moment on the two most recent
inscriptions. The first, perhaps ten years old but still
unweathered, bore the name "Tendou Kimiko". The latest, the
inscribed letters fresh, read "Tendou Kasumi". With a shuddering
sigh, the man switched off the light and turned to face his young
compatriots.
##A little too convoluted. Simplify a bit.
%%Can do.
>SNIP<
## I _think_ cremation will take care of the undead.
I'm not up on all of the "Buffy" vampire lore. However
I'm reasonably certain that cremation takes care of vampires.
(you can also bury them at a cross roads at midnight
after cutting off their heads.) However if cremation
does NOT kill "Buffy" vampires you might want
to mention this. OR don't cremate Kasumi. (IMO
a better option)
%%I've gotten a fair amount of mail on this, so I'll give the same
answer I gave to everybody. IMHO, and since I'm making up the Chinese
Vampire lore out of whole cloth, these critters are a lot closer to ghosts
and such than standard Buffy vamps, who are surprisingly humanlike. I've
tried to base the CV's on characters like Morrigan and Lord Raptor types
from Darkstalkers, with the morphing abilities and such. I have used
existing vampire lore in parts, like to poppyseeds in chapter two, but these
vamps aren't necessarily subject to the standard vampire limitations. Any
advice on how to explain this without resorting to long Rod+Don style
expository dialogue would be appreciated, though.
>SNIP<%%The whole Tofu in the past section is already undergoing a
re-write due to advice from many other folks, so I will address your
concerns as well. ^_^
SUNNYDALE, THE PRESENT
Xander slunk back up the basement stairs of his house,
emerging back out into the night with a chuckle. So someone was
using the Nanban, eh? Well, wasn't THAT interesting. Meddling
with time was always good for a larf, but who was doing it? He
resolved to find out.
With speed and agility anyone who knew him would have been
stunned to see he possessed, Xander sprung off over the rooftops,
trailing the source of the magical energies.
##larf ???
%%Does no one watch the Simpsons? Okay, okay, "laugh" it is....
From the opposite direction, Ranma-chan dashed nimbly across
the rain-slicked rooftops, the last words he'd heard Kasumi's
fetch speak echoing in her mind.
##Ummm, this section needs more of a transition. I have
little or no idea what is going on. VERY abrupt transition
from three months ago to the present. Remember that
it's been a while since this story started and a while between
chapters. So far this chapter has concentrated on Ryouga
in Japan, Ukyou at the airport, Tofu back in time. NOW, suddenly,
we're running across the roof in the rain. This is confusing.
Transition a little more smoothly OR add more to your
_what-has-gone-before_.
Also is Ranma HE or SHE??? " . . .he'd heard" vs. "her mind".
%%Will work on transition. Re: "he'd heard/her mind" Augh. Got caught in
one of the classic Ranma fanfic errors of inattention. Will fix.
>SNIP<
##Buff??? hardly seems worth the effort to shorten Buffy to Buff.
Could also mean Buffalo ^_^
I _guess_ this is alright. Just sounds strange to me.
(Not wrong, just strange. This is VERY subjective.)
%%I don't see much point to the nickname myself, but they use it all the
time on the show, so I plead idiom. Gomen.
Ranma said, knocking on the door.
No answer came. She tried again, a little louder. Still no
answer.
"I don't think he's home..."
"Nope," a familiar voice called out, "He's gone bye-bye..."
All three girls looked up to see Xander perched on the roof
overhang like a half-naked gargoyle, a mischievous look on his
face.
"X-xander?" Buffy goggled. "What are you doing up there? Why
aren't you wearing pants?"
##<G>
Why do I suddenly see an MST in your future.
(Not me, btw. But someone)
%%Aww, you don't MST? Too bad. Actually, I would WELCOME an MST from
anyone. If one must be mocked, at least one should be mocked creatively.
It's better than a flame, at any rate.
>SNIP<
Akane produced her key ring and fumbled for the
right key. Buffy stood silently, glaring poisoned daggers at
Xander.
##IMO she'd be kicking him in the kidneys or somewhere
lower. ^_^ I'd change this. It just doesn't seem to fit the scene
to have her "silently, glaring" daggers, poisoned or not.
%%Well, it's a judgement call. I don't think Buffy is THAT mad at
someone she considers a close friend to hurt him THAT badly. she doesn't
even kick VAMPS in the crotch...
>SNIP<
"Oh, such fun, such fun! I really missed you, m'boy!" His
eyes turned to Buffy who was standing by the couch, a stunned
look on her face. "Now, YOU... Oh, boy, but ol' Xander's been
waiting a lo-ong time for you to come across with the goods! You
wouldn't beLIEVE what he's been dreaming about doing with YOU,
Buffy-baby. It's enough to bring a tear of pride to an old man's
eye. Now, give us a smooch, sweetie!" He sproinged forward, arms
outstretched for the glomp. Buffy sidestepped the lunge and
kicked the possessed boy with all the ki-force she had, sending
the lecher straight up through the roof with a crash. As he flew
off into the night, still cackling gleefully, Buffy stared
furiously after him, her breath coming in angry gasps.
"This is even worse than that time with the hyena..."
##Cute. OTOH I've seen that episode of Buffy. ^_^
I'll have to get someone who hasn't seen much Buffy to read
this and get an opinion. IMO:
1) get rid of the "..."
2)the imagery is sufficiently strange and compelling
to be funny even to people who haven't seen that
Buffy episode.
%%TKS. You _really_ hate those (...), don't you? What would you suggest
instead? I find the need to use them a lot, especially when writing
dialogue.
JAPAN, THE MANOU HOME:
Sometime later, after the glaziers had left and Ryouga had
received a royal chewing out from Madoka, Yohko's Grandmother and
Mentor, (who had returned home from her weekly Mah-Jongg game to
find her front lawn and living room a shambles), the Lost Boy sat
on the back stoop and watched the sun set.
"Akane... I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you... You
must be going through hell." He hung his head. "If only I'd been
there, I might have saved your sister... She was always so
sweet."
Ryouga turned slowly as he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.
Azusa stood there, a bowl of soup in her outstretched hands.
"Here you go, Hibiki-san. I made it for you. It's an old
family recipe..." She offered him the bowl with a hopeful smile.
Ryouga accepted with a polite bow.
"Itadakimasu, Kanzaki-san." He sipped at the soup. The
flavour was salty, but soothing. "This is very good... may I ask
what it's called?"
"It's called 'Sopa De Grande Pena'. It's a Spanish name. My
mother learned the recipe from her friend Pipo who came from
Latin America. It means Heartbreak Soup." She smiled
sympathetically. "I thought you could use some."
##Ummmm, Spanish? Oh well. I like the name.
I'd prefer an equivalent Japanese dish. OTOH the
Japanese like ethnic foods. I'm not really sure
you need to introduce yet another new character. (re: Ukyou's
niece with the bad hand writing) IMO the soup
is good. I don't think you need a new character unless
he plays a part in the story. It just seems contrived.
"My mother" could have learned the recipe from
watching "Iron Chef" on TV. (they do a LOT of ethnic
foods)
%%Iron chef it is. I was just making a nod to Love and Rockets, but that
can go. Those in the know would catch it without the ref. to Pipo.
He looked up at her, a sad smile on his face.
"Arigatou, Kanzaki-san. It's very... soothing." Encouraged,
she sat down next to him, delicately arranging the chaste lines
of her long skirt.
##Chaste lines???
%%Yeah. like a chastely-cut skirt... Too fashiony-sounding? Where's the
problem?
"You can call me Azusa... that is, if you want to..." She
said, a small blush colouring her nose.
"Ah... Sure, Kanza- er, Azusa. I-if you want, you can call
me Ryouga..." He blushed a little himself, and sipped at his
Heartbreak Soup.
>SNIP<
"Err, o-kayy... Well, what I was trying to say was that if
you want to go to America, I think you should."
"America? Well..." Ryouga looked pensive for a moment, then
shook his head. "Azusa, I think you should know something about
me... I'm uh, not very good with directions. I can get lost on
the home islands for months... America's a pretty big place. How
am I gonna find her?"
"I... I could go with you... As a guide, I mean... And I
speak pretty good English... <Good day, I am a Strudel Oven.
Where is the Refrigerator?>" She blushed.
##LOL. Very nice.
%%Thanks.
"You'd come with me?" Ryouga asked, stunned. "B-but, you
hardly know me!"
"Well... I always wanted to see America... And I'm not in
school, so I don't have to worry about that. Besides, I'd like to
train under Summers-Sensei too. As an Apprentice Devil Hunter, I
will look on it as special training!!" She sat up straight,
smiling. "What do you say?"
Ryouga looked at her, so eager and energetic, her
honey-brown eyes sparkling. Despite himself, he smiled.
"All right... Let's go."
"Yaay!" Azusa cried, giving Ryouga a quick hug before
collecting herself and returning inside.
"Auntie Madoka! Ojisan Saotome! I'm going on a Training
Mission!"
Ryouga sat, stunned.
"She... hugged me?"
##Much better. Funny and moves the story along.
%%Thanks again.
BACK ACROSS THE POND:
Long ago, people used to try walking the streets of
Sunnydale at night. They also stopped, for some odd reason.
Something about living on top of a demon-attracting anomaly that
sat on the rubber sheet of reality like a lead weight, making all
similar objects roll down towards it.
##Cute.
OTOH I seem to recall people walking the streets of Sunnydale
at night. (Of course a lot of them ended up eaten. ^_O)
This particular taboo was not currently being observed by a
lone male figure, recently arrived to the benighted burg.
He was wrapped up in a midnight-blue cloak, a hood obscuring
his head and his feet made soft tappings as they hit the
pavement.
Then, he turned a corner, under a street light, and, as he
turned, one could glimpse a momentary flash of features - cold, hard
violet eyes, the light flickered off steel-gray earrings. Blue-black
hair falling in heavy bangs over his face were countered in their
bouffant appearance by two twisting locks of hair behind his
ears.
##you're stopping to describe people again. :(
%%Okay, I sense a trend here. I obviously have a problem with this, but
what the heck am I supposed to do? What's the ideal level of
descriptiveness? HE-LP!!!! @_@
%%(Aha! Found the advice below, thanks. I'm replying as I go.)
Now, people HAD stopped walking the streets for a reason.
Just as the man prepared to resume his movements, one of
said reasons burst out of a bush, snarling.
The man regarded the beast with blunt, cold boredom.
"Hi there, pretty-boy..." snarled the vampire. "You up for a
quick drink?"
To this, the young man just chuckled. Just to clarify, it
was *not* a nice chuckle.
## "Just to clarify . . ." interrupts the flow of the story.
%%Will excise.
"Oh, y'think that's funny, do you?" the vampire snarled.
"Now, ever since the slants arrived, heh, they bin showin' us stuff
'bout martial arts... So hold still and this won't hurt for long."
##??? This is a little convoluted.
%%Will improve.
The vampire lurched forward with a speed that belied his
hulking appearance. As he approached, there was a sudden blurring.
The young man was gone. Turning, the vampire looked behind
him. He was sitting nonchalantly on a fire hydrant.
"You don't seriously think I'd waste my energy on you, do
you?" The man asked in an oddly moderate voice. Not a deep,
gravelly voice nor a high, feminine one... just enough of a
distinction to make one pause.
"Oh, you'd better..." the vampire stalked forward.
"Oh well."
Suddenly the vampire had to deal with a foot to his face, a
punch to his jaw and three short jabs to his stomach that left him
winded, despite not needing air.
##??? Very confusing.
%%Sigh. Writing fight scenes is _hard_. I will atempt improvement, but
that's my weakest area, IMHO.
"S'alright... I like ta play with my food, anyway." He
lashed out with one hand at the now standing boy, who casually
sidestepped and flipped his cloak over the vampire's head.
"Hey!" he lashed out. "Get!" Whoosh, the cloak catching the
air and billowing at the vampires movements, "Back!" Swing, a
wild haymaker that never came near. "Here!" Clang.
##Get rid of the sound effects.
%%Okay.
Water sprayed everywhere as the hydrant exploded. The
vampire, fortunately not a Jusenkyou-cursed one, shook his head
and managed to rip the cloak off his face, before turning around
to find the kid. He turned his head around...
Then up...
And up...
And Up...
"Uhh..."
Now, the informed reader is meant to chuckle and say "Uh-oh".
##Get rid of the editorial comments.
%%Okay.
A huge, furred monstrosity filled his vision. Eight writhing
black tentacles squirmed regularly around in arcs, two fists the size
and density of sledgehammers clenched angrily. A pair of horns
glittered pale in the darkness, moonlight winking off the two iron
rings
that said, yes, this nine and a half feet of nightmarish
malignancy was the same thing that had been under the cloak.
##Work descriptions INTO the action. Don't stop the story.
Don't _talk_ to the reader.
breaks the flow of the story.
%%Ah, HERE'S the advice. Arigatou.
The creature raised its arms over its head and FLEXED. A
huge pair of bat-shaped wings spread out to almost twenty feet. Then,
the creature blinked a few times, and its eyes gleamed the faintest
red with slitted irises. With an angry, bovine smile, it showed a
grin that proved, yes, a grin is merely showing all your teeth. Two
predominantly overlarge fangs glittered in prominence over the rest.
##A little too chatty. IMO needs to be re-worked.
The rest, sadly, is child abuse. There are some things that
not even a vampire can live through.
##^_^
This is a cute line. Breaks the flow of the story but I like it a lot.
This is a keeper.
%%Glad you liked it. It's a favorite.
Pantyhose Tarou, godson of Happousai, snorted angrily. Now
he'd have to find some hot water. Oh well.
Stalking away from the smoking ashes that were all that was left
of the vampire, the vast beast chuckled to itself. If that was
the sort of thing that he had to face, well, this was going to be
easy...
"I swear... you're gonna pay, duck-boy." He vowed, clenching
one huge fist.
Well, that's what he meant. What he said was more like:
"Moo, grrr, moo, snort."
But the sentiment is there.
##Cute. Don't like the editorial comments. (eg. "What he said . . ."
"But the sentiments is there.") Watch the tense change.
Don't use sound effects.
JAPAN, THE PAST:
Tofu stepped forward and dismantled the prayer chains, his
breathing ragged with anticipation. He could barely tear his
eyes away from Kasumi's supine form. Did it work?
Heedless of his own safety, he knelt down beside her, out of
instinct feeling for a pulse before dismissing the idea as
ridiculous. Gently, he tried to draw her to her feet, but she
remained limp and cold in his arms.
"Kasumi-chan... Speak to me, please..."
With a gasp, her eyes flew open, a look of sheer terror in
the brown orbs. A racking breath shuddered through her body as
her muscles spasmed, knocking Tofu to the ground. Alarmed, he
spun, only to see Kasumi stagger to her feet, and looked down at
herself. There was a moment of silence as she held up her hands,
examining them in the moonlight, her back to the Watcher.
##If you're going to call Tofu Watcher, IMO, do it earlier. I think
it works better if you call him Tofu here. Kasumi turning her back on Tofu
rather than on in impersonal "Watcher".
<SNIP> Kasumi pleading.
His hand stopped, refusing to go any farther.
"Kasumi... I can't do this..." Her eyes flew open,
despairing.
"Then I will!!" She reached out to grab the ward, but he
pulled it away.
"No, I can't let you do that... Please, Kasumi, forgive me,
but... I can't let you die again..."
"Then you are an even greater monster than what I have
become..."
Kasumi picked Tofu up by his throat. It seems his assessment
of her strength, comparative to his, was now somewhat flawed.
While she may not yet have the endurance of a true kyuuketsuki,
she sure had the strength of one.
##This is confusing. What assessment? Kyuuketsuki?
I'm thinking this is a Japanese vampire but it's not clear.
##A little uneven. IMO you need to work on this section to make
the emotions believable. Good but could be better.
%%Gabatte mas! (I'll do my best!)
"WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME DIE?" she lamented in his ear, her
misery a peircing cry that tore at him.
"Kasumi-chan - please!" he gagged. "You're- you're
hurting me!"
## "And I like it."
{sorry, couldn't resist.}
%%yecch. >_^
Kasumi released him and dropped to the ground, tears
flowing
from her eyes. "Why?"
"Kasumi... we... we need you. Not just me. Ranma-kun, he
needs your help."
"What good would I do? I'm nothing but a housewife,
remember!?!" she snarled at him, her face unconsciously
metamorphosing. "And now, I'm not even THAT."
##???
Uneven. "lamented" doesn't seem to fit with "misery" and "piercing cry"
for example.
"Shhh..." Tofu reached out with one arm, to comfort her,
only to have her grasp his wrist and fling him over her head.
##Tofu should at least be a little stunned by this.
"Leave me alone!"
"Kasumi-chan, we have to go back!"
"Leave me!"
Tofu tried to prop himself up on his wrist, to call after
her running form, but he sagged, the pain shooting up his arm - she'd
BROKEN his WRIST! Gods...
##??? you might want to mention this earlier. ^_^
And why "Gods..."???
It could be just me but I found this to be
confusing.
"We're in California!" Tofu yelled. "PLEASE!"
##Errrr, how did they get to California?
I thought they were in Japan of the
past.
And why "PLEASE!"
And what does being in California have
to do with anything?
Confusing.
It was too late. Kasumi was gone.
"Well done, Ono."
Tofu looked up over his shoulder, only to encounter the
briefest flash of a face-
And a fist to his jaw.
**********************************
END EPISODE FOUR: TO BE CONTINUED!
**********************************
By Dave Menard and Rick Hall, with plot assist by Matty Higgins.
Jan. 2000
THANKS GO OUT TO: The ATVS Prereaders Squad, Nicole Manders, Wade
Trischler, Blade, and all the C+C mavens on the FFML.
NEXT TIME: Pantyhose versus Xander, a possible cure for Ranma and
a new magic shop opens in Sunnydale. All this and Spike too, next
time on Akane The Vampire Slayer!
NOTE TO RYOUGA FANS: We hope you enjoyed this episode's guest
appearance of everyone's favorite Lost Boy. Unfortunately, due to
an already-overstuffed cast list, Ryouga won't be appearing again
in ATVS for quite some time to come. However, Ryouga and Azusa
will be showing up next in the first of a sporadic series of
sidestories (working title: Ryouga Hibiki and the Lost Crusade)
as the bandanna'd twosome make their way across the wilds of
America in search of that fabled place they call... Sunnydale!
Coming soon from Leaping Gnome Productions!
##Overall: promising.
Problems:
1)Why spend so much time with Ryouga if you're not going to use him?
2)Why spend so much time with Ukyou and do nothing with her?
%%I got more mail about wanting to see Ryouga than on anything else in
the entire series, so I threw folks abone. Personally, I'm not a huge Ryouga
fan, so I didn't want to use him, but a friend IS interested in writing
several side-fics with Ryouga and Azusa, so I gave him an "in"
Regarding Ukyou, I _AM_ going somewhere with her, fear not.
Both of these sections were overly long even if they were a set-up
for later chapters. (also the reader is likely to have forgotten
the set up by the time the chapter is posted)
%%Sigh. I know, I write too slowly. I _WILL_ work on the clarity and
verbal diarrhea, though.
3)IMO this section was VERY slow. The real action was with Tofu/Kasumi,
Xander/every one and a little bit of Taro. The Ryouga section could be
reduced
or deleted. The Tofu section could be greatly expanded. I'd like to see
more of
Xander/every-one.
4)Don't spend so much time with static description of clothes, hair,
jewelry, etc.
If you need it, work it into the story.
4)Mysterious new characters. Good. VERY good.
Delete or reduce a lot of this chapter. Ryouga especially if you're not
going to
use him. And he certainly doesn't do much in _this_ chapter. Move the
story
along
faster. Pretend you have to pay $0.25 for every word you post. ^_^ Then go
back
and delete EVERY word that is not essential to the story. That will give
you a good
starting point for a re-write.
The concept is good and you have some brilliant spots of dialogue and
scene
setting.
%%Thanks a lot for the help, Allyn. I greatly appreciate it. I reiterate
my previous statement that you would make an excellent editor by trade. ^_^
Here Endeth The Lesson.
Spa Fon!
-------------------------------------------
Dave Menard
Keeper of Pink's Hammer of Vengeance
Knight of the Combat Fiancees
Member of the Space Pirates Guild
http://matrix.crosswinds.net/~ksna/
"I would not, could not kill the King... I would not poison Anything!"
--Green Eggs and Hamlet