Nice work. ^^
...
Ahem.
Now, For the most part I like your writing, although you seem to have
a thing for Heroic Ryoga. Hey, who of us doesn't have a soft spot for
a tragic hero?
The thing is, this is very much NOT the canon Ryoga. Which, while
sweet in many ways, is a complete moron. Nearly as bad as Tatewaki,
even. Although having Ashram poured through his head surely made
him wisen up, this is still too much. Especially, while Ranma, who
actually liked the Parn in him enough to dump Akane (Gasp!), acts
even more arrogant and overconfident than usually.
Personally, I think you're selling Ranma cheap. Even without truly changing
anything he does, you could work with the description and dialogue more,
to make him seem more likable. Especially, since his behavior reflects none
of what I've seen of Parn. I mean, if you have something against Ranma,
why did you use him in the first place?
Now, I *really* would like to comment something about the fight(You know,
which one), but I couldn't think of anything worth REALLY critizising. I
mean,
it's similar to a (old) Cologne vs. Ranma match: Ranma has all superior
physical
attributes, except intelligence and wisdom, but he's hundred years late to
beat either
Drizzt or Cologne. ^^ IMO nothing is better than the experience gained in
real
battles, since winning in a serious situation is 90% attitude and 10%
technique.
Still, Don't sell your Ranma cheap.
About Cologne, I keep on forgetting she's supposed to be young(er) now. Or
is he?
You could give some visual cues to this, perhaps getting Ranma or Ryoga
getting
distracted every now and then when she's talking or something.
Oh, and drop the footnotes. I had completely forgotten where they were when
I
reached the end of the fic. Either work them into the story or don't use
them. This
is a funny, rare case where real books have the advantage over digital text.
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