At 10:27 AM 2/9/00 -0500, you wrote:
Superlative style, as usual. Good, convincing characterization.
I sense some confusion on theme, though. You seem to
dance past several, without either really relating them
to each other or settling on one.
To an extent, this was my intention; this was one time I tried not to
concern myself so much with ideas like thematic structure, thematic
relation, and instead attempted to portray a somewhat chaotic sequence of
events that may or may not be related to one another. Parallels between
the events are drawn shakily because of this; as in life, any structural
coherence imposed is more dependent upon the mind of the observer than upon
any actual structure inherent within the events themselves.
In hindsight, I may have been attempting to do too many things with too
little space. The story probably could do with a little expansion; some
nips and tucks in certain places, if only for cosmetic value.
A new Ranma one-shot from me after... at least a year.
The last I remember was 'Dies Irae'. You should do more
of these.
"Till the End of Time" came after "Dies Irae", but that was never released
beyond the FFML. There's also, of course, the two Pokemon/Ranma stories
featuring Pantyhose Tarou that I wrote with David Tai, but those aren't
straight Ranma stories.
Ukyou Kuonji, lately bereft, well-used to bereavement, stood
before a new grave amidst old graves.
We can always count on you for a good, jolting, first sentence.
Yeah, but those are easy to come up with it; it's the rest of it that's
hard. ;)
Gentle they were, peaceful, with slow-growing spans between,
until the span became eternal. Konatsu never woke up; she wished
he had, and was somehow glad he hadn't.
More nice style.
Thanks.
it was supposed to be, not on the day you buried your husband;
the occasion called for grey clouds, black clouds, and rain
falling down as though in mutual mourning.
The heavens don't weep for Konatsu, I see... Though the effect
of nice weather on Ukyou is interesting, it's kind of momentary.
If you want nice weather, you might consider referring back to
the sun shining as Soun and Ukyou leave the cemetary.
That's a good idea; I think I will put something in about that.
On the other hand, bad weather would work better for other
themes.
See my above comments about thematic coherence and my desire for a certain
lack thereof within the story; weather needn't always be sympathetic to
human emotion or to dramatic needs.
Twenty when he died. She and Konatsu had been married less
than two years. She read about it in the paper, and went to see
him at the hospital. Why? She couldn't understand it entirely
herself; he'd never been anything but a nuisance to her.
Minor plausibility problem here. Monthly grave visits to someone
she hadn't even seen in perhaps 3-4 years?
Promises rashly made are soon enough broken; I'm going to rewrite some
small sections to make this clear.
I can sympathize with your desire to discuss what Tsubasa was to
Ukyou in this story (given certain apparently-widespread
misconceptions on this), but it might have worked better to have
another character accidentally remind Ukyou of Tsubasa. A child
or other relative of Tsubasa's, perhaps, who came to the funeral
after reading about Ukyou in Tsubasa's diary. Having Ukyou recall
Tsubasa only with difficulty might have worked better (at least
for _this_ aim; you may have another [see below]).
Well, here's my rationale for things as far as Tsubasa is concerned, never
stated explicitly, but (I think) inferrable from the narrative:
Two years of marriage to Konatsu (and presumably a developing relationship
of at least a few months before that) had rather broadened Ukyou's mind to
the realities someone like Tsubasa or Konatsu--or herself--faces. She's
matured as a person over those two years: given up on her dreams of Ranma,
found a different kind of happiness with a different person, and become a
more whole, more complete person. Consciously or subconsciously, she's
perhaps begun to reevaluate Tsubasa due to her experience with Konatsu; the
surface similiarities between them will cause her to think of Tsubasa at
least a few times during those two years.
When she reads in the paper about what happened to him, all thought
subconscious thought (perhaps with a certain amount of guilt and regret)
comes up to the surface; an instant connection is felt that never existed
before. She is, after all, a transvestite married to a transvestite, and
she did know Tsubasa; in many ways, he was a mirror image to her.
This was the kind of rationale I had for her strong reaction.
She'd hated his parents; heartlessly conservative, they'd
seen their oldest son as a shameful aberration. Death gave them
an affection for him they'd never had in life; once he'd hit
eighteen, and it had become clear that it wasn't something he was
going to grow out of, they'd thrown him out of the house. Tough
love, they'd probably called it.
Here you seem to dance with the theme of intolerance...
I had many partners on my card at this particular function...
His thin, papery hand touched her wrist. "Let me talk
first. I know what you're thinking right now; you're thinking,
how dare this old man intrude on my grief when I said I wanted to
be alone. Am I right?"
"Well..."
"Am I?"
She nodded, though unwillingly.
Minor conflict with her own expressed thought that she ought to
talk with Soun, at the beginning of the story.
Intentional. Ukyou is extremely conflicted in many ways, and doesn't even
really reach a satisfactory resolution of that conflict by the end.
certain problems that needed to be fixed. I finally got around
to making those fixes this morning, catalysed (I am somewhat
embarassed to say) by reading Michael Rhea's latest post to RAAC.
Anyone familiar with his stories should be able to guess why.
Ah, a catalyst to demonstrate that Ukyou could be happy with Konatsu?
Well, it worked.
Ahh, good; partly successful, at least.
However, as a catalyst to discuss the differences between Konatsu
and Tsubasa: this story may not have been the right vehicle. Then
again, those who _need_ such a discussion wouldn't be convinced
anyway.
True enough; I was concerned with both the differences and the
similiarities, though. The section where Ukyou reflects on Tsubasa will be
slightl expanded in the revision to draw these relations better.
Anyway, a good mood story, nicely told. I think the potential
is here to have something really exquisite, though, if you
think through your theme some more. You might end up with
something approaching the effect of the greatest eclogue poems.
Alternatively, if you are striving for an impressionistic
rendering of the thoughts a real mourner might have run through
their mind, I'd suggest a more impressionistic style.
Good suggestions both; I'm fairly happy with the story as it is in its
current state, though--I think it accomplishes what I set out to do within
its small size. I was trying for a kind of gritty realism in this story
more than anything else, which may help to explain its rather inchoate state.
Anyway, I'll take all your comments (and the others I received privately)
in mind when I do the revisions for RAAC in the next few days. Thank you
very much, Bert.
Ciao,
-Alan Harnum