At 01:40 PM 2/10/00, DaveCatt wrote:

    Well, acting on the C+C I received on the draft of this chapter, I've made a lot of changes (A LOT), enough that I think it warrants a repost. If you all could let me know what you think, I'd be much obliged....

[And here it comes.]

     "Yeah, he WISHES!" Hiroshi laughed. "Hell, _I_ wish I was
her boyfriend. She is so-o hot..."

     "Well, she's cute enough, I guess..." Ranma said
contemplatively. "But she ain't right in the head, know what I
mean? Didja see the way she went after Nabiki and Hiroe? The
girl's a nutburger. Either that or she's just plain mean."

     "Akane? She's about the nicest person I've ever met..."
Daisuke protested. "She's even nice to us, and we're... Well,
we're not geeks, are we, Hiroshi?"

     "Naw. We're iconoclasts."

[It's Pinky, Pinky, Pinky and the Brain!  (Gomen...)]

     "Ri-ight. Anyway, she's a sweetie."

     Hiroshi agreed."Yeah, unless you try to attack her, like the
hordesmen. Then it's 'POW-BANG-KABOOM!'"

     "Nice?!" Ranma blurted. "We talkin' about the same Tendou
Akane?"

     "Huh?" Daisuke said, confused. "Oh, RI-IGHT. Yeah. Really...
light."

     Ranma blinked, thinking it over. These guys ARE kinda
weedy-lookin'. And I AM sorta dead weight right now... He noticed
with a little alarm the fact that the two boys were gleefully
wringing their hands in anticipation. On second thought..

     "Naw, I don't think so guys. I'd hafta change back before we
get to the vice-principal's office anyway..."

[Thank you for swapping the order of the "can you change" and "Akane is sooo hot."  This makes good sense, and allowed you a new joke.]

    For after you peeled away all the layers of her self, in her
heart was the knowledge that she was special, she was someone,
she was The One Ranma Loved.

[This has to be some sort of psycotic obsession.  Anybody that can hold a candle for *that* long has to have a few screws loose.  But we already know that, right?]

     Only, that wasn't right anymore, was it? The Black Rose HAD
crushed her spirit, after all. They'd reached back across the
millenia, across time, across space, and they'd killed
her, the instant she'd used their Fist on the joyful, confident
boy who had claimed her heart. In that one horrible moment of
faulty judgement, the prideful strike of a foolish old woman,
she'd died, irrevocably, and there was no coming back...

     A tear slid down her cheek and struck the glassy surface of
the waters, shattering the image of the woman warrior-born,
leaving only the face of a young girl, crying for the loss of a
love she feared she'd never know again...

[Not bad, not bad at all.]

 "Gaah!" She spat, shaking her head. "What's gotten into me? I'm mooning and moping like some giddy schoolgirl! Of, course, I _am_ a schoolgirl, but really..." Angst ridden introspection was getting her nowhere. If she wanted Ranma, action had to be taken! Yet, how to do it? The timeline seemed far different than the past she remembered. Perhaps, she was still coming on too strong? Yes, that was probably it. She didn't want to come off looking like some Chinese bimbo, now did she?

[The hormones of a 16 year old will certainly mess with her already adled mind.]

 With a sigh, she resigned herself to abandoning her plan to seduce Ranma tonight in his bed. That was something the bimbo would have tried, and it had never done her any good. There _has_ to be another way...

 "Hel's Bells! Why can't I stop crying?!? Stupid pubescent hormones..."

[Like I said, hormones....]


[Strange formating problem above]

[This is better than what I remembered from the last draft.]

********************************

     Nabiki opened her textbook, following the teacher's
instructions by rote. She hated first period. English was a
perverse language, she'd decided, too many exceptions to too many
rules. Language of international business or no, she loathed it.

["international business or no" or "international business or not"]

     Nabiki wordlessly produced her compact and held the mirror
to Kunou's face. His eyes widened. A wordless, strangled gargle
escaped his lips as he took in the phrase "baka" imprinted on his
forehead in sloppy kanji.

     "Looks like Ranma-baby gotcha good, Kunou."

     Kunou stood up, striking a pose.

     "Oh woe! Oh misery! My beloved Amazon Goddess scorns me! I
must convince her of my worthiness..."

[I actually laughed at this one.  Slightly different, and funnier.  Using the "Ranma-baby" certainly goaded Kunou.]

    Nabiki blinked once. Beloved Ranma? This is unexpected...

     "Wow, Kunou, I had no idea you were gay..."

     "Pish-posh! The Blue Thunder is no lover of men, Nabiki
Tendou." Kunou said dismissively. "Surely a woman possessed of
your low animal cunning was not fooled by the lovely Ranma's
paltry disguise? She is a woman! A woman most fair!"

     Low animal cunning?! Nabiki thought incredulously. That
PRICK! See if _you_ ever get another discount rate on Akane
photos, you arrogant buffoon!

     "I assure you Kunou," Nabiki stated icily. "Ranma is a guy."

     Her cold, dismissive tone went unnoticed by the besotted
kendoist. "Stuff and nonsense, Nabiki Tendou. She is a fair
flower of China, here to gauge the worthiness of the Blue
Thunder."

     "China? Where do you GET this stuff, Kunou?"

[Wow!  This is a LOT better than the previous version.  A different direction for Nabiki, and it works.  And by using Nabiki and Kunou spar with each other, you were able to contrast the personalities, and give readers a far better insight of what drives the inner person.  (As if we didn't know it.)]

     Ranma looked up with a horrified expression. Hiroshi and
Daisuke started, almost dropping Ranma to the floor at the sight
of the love-crazed fool rushing towards them.

     "Huh? What are you TALKIN' about, you fruitcake?! I ain't
like that!" Kunou showed no signs of slowing. Ranma looked
around, seeking a means of defense. He essayed his legs, but they
were still too weak to support him. Stymied, he realized he'd
have to rely on the Saotome Secret Technique, and yelled at his
companions, "Run, you fools!"

     Hiroshi and Daisuke complied, dragging the terrified
Ranma back down the hall as fast as they could carry him.

[Actually, both Rosenkrants and, er, Hiroshi and Daisuke would be terified for another reason now.  Kunou is Sempai, Ranma just insulted him....]

     "Was it Ranma?"

     "No... Yes... Not really... Gods, I'm confused... I almost
swung at Nabiki..." Kasumi stifled a gasp. "I lost my temper, and
I don't know why... I haven't snapped at someone like that in
ages and ages..."

[Nice little slip here.  Kasumi won't catch this, but the readers will.]

     "... I don't understand why I'm losing control like this...
I'm usually calm under pressure; it must be these thrice-damned
teenage hormones wreaking havoc with my thought processes..."

     Kasumi pulled her sister in to a hug, gently stroking her
hair. Inwardly, she was very worried. Akane had always been...
Well, a little rough and tumble. However, her recent behavior...
One of the books Tofu-Sensei had lent her mentioned several
stress-related illnesses and disorders that were really quite
common in this day and age. Perhaps all the unwanted attention
from the Horde at school...

[This works, and makes sense.  No real way to tie this to "Cold Dragon", since we are talking about a generic stress disorder.]

    "I was just trying to make him respect me! He always- _They_
always, men I mean, they always look down on women, make us feel
smaller than we are, even unintentionally. Daddy does it to you
all the time... I don't think he's being deliberately mean, but I
can tell it still hurts your feelings, right?"

[Sounds about right for the Akane-of-Seventh-Age.  Kasumi is going to wonder about this.]

     "Akane..." This was treading dangerously close to ground Kasumi wasn't comfortable traversing. "I don't think-"

[As expected, Kasumi wonders.  Good.]

     "No, let me finish. I wanted to show him that this time, I
wasn't weak, that I don't need to be 'protected'. I wanted him to
treat me like an equal, the way I want to do with him. It
backfired horribly, I know this now. He's too insecure about his
curse at the moment. He'll need time to get used to the idea that
women have power too. THEN he'll understand..."

[Man, Akane is violent...]

     "Akane, why are you telling me all this?"

[Kasumi should be getting worried.]

     "You asked, oneechan."

     "No, I mean, you should be discussing this with Ranma. He's
a bright young man, he'll understand..." Akane snorted
derisively.

[Good advice, and a good response.]

     "That baka? No, I don't think he'd understand words alone. I
tried to explain it to him this morning, but he didn't get it."

     "Was this before or after the... incident?"

     "Before... Although that dolt Kunou interrupted us..."

     "Well, I think you should try again. Trust me on this,
imotochan. If there's one thing I've learned in the past few
years, it's that dirty laundry needs to be aired right away..."

     Akane blinked twice and stared at her sister.

     "Kasumi? Did you just make a joke?"

     "Well, maybe I did." She smiled.

[Kasumi made a joke????]

     "Why... Why did you take Ranma away from me?"

     "Well, I... That is... Oh, Akane, I was just so worried! You
frightened the poor thing out of his wits, and you were being so
aggressive... "

[Sounds about right...]

     "Is _that_ why? Oh, thank the gods!" Akane said, relief
tinging her voice. "It's just that... Well, I..." She paused for
thought. How to cast her actions in the best possible light in
Kasumi's eyes? "Kasumi, do you believe in love at first sight?"

[Two hundred years of experience working here.]

     Kasumi restrained herself from answering "yes I'm sure it
happens all the time" and simply nodded. "Although many people
confuse infatuation with love..."

     "Yes, that's true. But I don't think that's the case here,
oneechan. You see, I know Ranma. Really. In here." She tapped her
chest over her heart. "He's brave, and honest, and caring..." She
smiled teasingly for effect. "And handsome... I can't think of
ANYone I'd rather marry."

[You try to scare the bejesus out of him, then freak him out by hitting your own sister, and you are saying you LOVE the guy?  What kind of nut is Akane?]

     Kasumi looked a little skeptical. "You've decided on this
very quickly, Akane. Just the other day I heard you yell at
Nabiki that you hated boys. Why the sudden change?"

[A *little* skeptical?  Add the evidence of Nabiki's statement plus the above actions, I'd think Akane was lying through her teeth.]

     Akane cursed mentally. Her younger self had some odd
opinions... Still, maybe she could play on the rumors that had
swirled around her back then, er... back _now_.

     "Well, you see, Kasumi..." Akane lowered her voice, as
though she were slightly ashamed of herself. "Ranma is half
GIRL..." She watched Kasumi's eyes widen through her bangs as she
made the expected assumption. She didn't particularly care if her
family thought she was a lesbian; after all, she loved Ranma no
matter what form he was wearing.

     Kasumi didn't quite know what to say, so she settled for a
perennial favorite. "Oh my..."

     "Kasumi, you won't tell Father, will you? He'd be so
upset..." She put a little catch in her voice for effect.

     "Of course not! Oh, Akane... How long have you known you
were... like that?"

     This was going a little further than she'd expected, Akane
thought, feeling more than a little uncomfortable lying to Kasumi
again. Still, she had no choice anymore, the die was cast...

[What a way to solve Kasumi's "is she lying" question!  Bold move, a very bold move.  I wonder how you are going to get out of this one.]

     "Oh, for a while now, I guess..." That was true, she
thought. Ever since she realized that she loved Ranma despite his
curse... That had to be, what? Two centuries? "I just don't want
to miss out on my chance for a semi-normal life, you know?"

     Kasumi nodded slowly. She could follow the logic. She felt
she was missing something, but she couldn't quite put her finger
on what... "Akane, it's not my place to approve or condemn
your... sexual preferences, and I can see that you feel very
strongly about Ranma, but... Well, I'll leave it up to him. I
like him, but if he wants to pursue a relationship with you, I
won't stand between you." Akane smiled happily. "But, I insist
you apologize to Nabiki and Ranma. You need to control your
temper, imotochan. You can't go flying off the handle at the drop
of a hat," Kasumi finished firmly.

[Ah, everything back to normal...]

     Akane nodded gravely. "I will, oneechan. Thank you for being
so understanding."

     "Akane, are you sure you wouldn't like to talk to someone
about your feelings? About your anger, I mean." Kasumi clarified
quickly.

     "Like who?" Akane asked warily.

     "Like a doctor, maybe?" Kasumi said, keeping her voice
level.

[You might get in trouble for what you just wrote, about going to the doctor and all, but given what I understand about Japanese culture, this may make some sense.]

     She entered the house, leaving a very concerned Kasumi
behind her. Perhaps... Perhaps i'd best go have a word with Tofu-
sensei all the same, Kasumi thought. Sometime soon...

[Nice little setup here.]

********************************

  Ranma slumped wetly back down in her seat. Her visit to the vice-principal's office had been just as miserable as she'd figured; the VP had gone on for the better part of an hour about scholastic duty and responsibility. Ranma'd barely managed to stay awake and remember to nod at all the right places.

 She spared a glance to the rear of the room, flashing Hiroshi and Daisuke a friendly smile. Those two were all right, she decided. A little weird, but who was she to talk? The duo smiled back, maybe a bit too affectionately for Ranma's tastes. Ugh. That's gonna stop, and soon.

 The rest of the day passed mercifully without incident, although Ranma had fallen asleep several times during various classes. Fortunately, his other teachers either didn't notice or didn't care, so she was spared bucket duty or another trip to the office.

 He'd eaten lunch with Hiroshi and Daisuke, taking advantage of the free period to visit the showers and change back to guy-form, then visited with Nabiki and Hiroe, trying to ignore the whispers and poorly-hidden stares he drew from the student body. all in all, school was proving to be about as much fun as he'd figured, which was to say not in the least. And he still had to have a little chat with Tofu-sensei after school...

[Nice little filler here.  It won't hurt the story if it wasn't here, but the story is a little more smother with it in.]

*****************************

 "Heya, doc." Ranma said neutrally, sitting down across the desk from his soon-to-be employer. "Funny prank, with the numb legs and all."

 Tofu had the good grace to look embarassed. "Er, yes... I'm really very sorry about that Ranma, it's just, where Kasumi is concerned, I don't really behave like myself..."

[Duh!]

 "Look doc, I realize you're sweet on Kasumi. And I already told ya I ain't interested in her that way. You ain't got no competition from me, I don't think I'm really her speed..." He sighed. "It looks like I'm gonna have a rough enough time of it in school anyway. I don't need no feuds makin' my life more complicated. Can't we bury the hatchet?"

[A little quick on the "bury the hatchet" deal, but then again, Ranma never really held a grudge.]

 "Of course, of course. My offer still stands, you know. I could use an extra pair of hands around here. My assistant _is_ getting on in years, and I'm afraid she's not in the best of health. Would you at least consider my offer?"

 "Hey, yeah, I could really use the job. I'll take it on two conditions..."

 Tofu raised an eyebrow. "And they are..?"

 "One, no more 'pranks'."

 "Of course. And the second?"

 "You teach me how to do that pressure point trick you pulled on me. Pop neglected that part of my training. Deal?"

[Perhaps Ranma should press for more than that one thing.  Being a martial artist, knowing how to care for his body and others will be an excellent skill.  Plus, he should be eager to learn as many shiatsu points as possible for "defense" purposes.]

 "Deal. I'm glad we could work this out, Ranma." Tofu smiled reassuringly. "Shall we begin Saturday? I open the clinic at nine, so I'll need you here for eight..."

 "No problem. Thanks again!"

 "Thank _you_, Ranma. I mean that."

****************************************

_/Aramar, the 7th Age of Man\_

     They'd flown for several hours, stopping now and again on
top of the odd rocky promontory to allow Akane to rub some
feeling back into her cold-numbed limbs. Despite herself, she had
begun to enjoy flying with the massive red-gold dragon. If it
wasn't for the sheer bizarre unreality of this whole situation,
Akane might have simply curled up in a ball and hid. That, or
start breaking things... As it was, though, Aramar, this world,
this time, they were like some fever dream from which she
couldn't wake. It was so deeply foreign, on so many levels, that
the best thing she could think of to allow her to cope, was to
simply go along for the ride.

["red-gold dragon" helped me with the visual.  If I missed it before, oops.  If it's new, it's good.

    "Awk!" Cawed Pinfeather, the one on the right. "The
half-breed lizard and the Pale Lady! Do you come for battle?"

[I never thought of a dragon being a "half-breed lizard."  I supposed Baron should be insulted.]

     "Akane, my Pale Lady! So nice to see you again! Forgive me
for making you wait, but I was temporarily indisposed..." As he
said that, he set a small loosely bound text bearing the legend
"Poor Wizard's Alamanac" down on the mantle.

[One more trip to the game store....]



Obviously not as many comments.  This is improved, and I suspect your last real draft, with the next release being pretty much the final one.

The best part was Nabiki/Kunou in the hallway.  It wasn't funny, but it was an excellent character piece.  The funniest part was "iconoclasts".  Most improved part was Akane/Kasumi talk.

You are taking a real chance with the "Gay Akane" thing.  It could send the story into a whole different direction than I thought it may go, and is probably a far harder story to write as well.  I wish you luck on making it all work.

In thinking about parallel acts (Nerima vs Aramar), the readability of the story can be kind of tough to do correctly.  I like having a little of both, but I think the true story is in Nerima, not Aramar, so putting the Aramar segment at the end of each chapter is probably a good idea.  If Aramar is a major plot, you may need to frame each part with either Nerima scenes (with the body being an Aramar story) or visa-versa.

My last comment: get cracking, get this part finished so you can do #5!

Tom