Subject: [FFML] [FFML][Shortfic] Coming To Terms With Myself
From: "Kayu-chan" <inu@yasha.fsnet.co.uk>
Date: 2/10/2000, 7:09 PM
To: "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>

-This is a short fic, not a spamfic, so be warned of lack of
(intentional) comedy.
-Also, it's not from one of the big series (Ranma, Eva, SM, etc.)
-Disclaimer at end.

Coming To Terms With Myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a love-hate relationship with the night. It reminds me of,
tempts me to become, something I both love and hate.

The rain taps against the window pane and I watch it fall down. It
distorts the outside, blurs the edges. This rain reminds me of
myself. Two identities, two lives, where I wish I could have one.
So, I'm in limbo, trying to grasp at one identity while still tied
to the other. I feel like I'm underwater, my foot tangled in
vines, and desperately trying to break the surface.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I want to be someone
I'm not?

Because of him. He loves me, and I love him. And how I wish it
could be that simple. Every rainy night, looking out of this
window, I wish it.

I'm in love with his compassion, his bravery, and the way he makes
me feel so safe. What is it he loves about me? Oh, he's in love
with a girl that doesn't exist, not really. She's only there
because of magic, and she wears my body and face and uses
my voice. But it isn't really me, because... because....

I can't do the things she does and say the things she says. I'm
not that out-going -- my shyness is an oppressive force, it feels
like a physical weight whenever I'm with him. It won't let me tell
him who this non-existent girl is, that it's me. I tried once, but
it didn't work out. Perhaps it wasn't meant to, and fate was
saving me from seeing his disappointed face. Perhaps trying to be
more out-going will only bring my heartbreak and staying in this
state of shyness will keep me safe.

But I don't want to be safe, I want to be so much more. That's
why, at night, I break free of my self-enforced repression and
become the girl I so want to be all of the time.

Free. Hmm. Now that I think about, I never thought of myself as
shackled to shyness until I received the chance to become her. So
beautiful, and sexy, and confident, and impulsive, and even more
so when he's around. He makes her -- no, me -- feel so much more
beautiful when he looks at me with that love-struck gaze. He wants
to help her become a better person. I guess, in a way, he wants to
free her.

He can, if only he falls in love with the real girl. I can't be
that fake girl, that cardboard-cut out. I try so hard because I
love him, yet I just can't be her. After all this time, I know I
can't just settle for the quiet life that I've lived since I can
remember. The more I think about it, the more I come to the
conclusion that the quiet side of me is also one-dimensional,
incomplete. It feels too staid, too restricted, but also like a 
comfy old jumper I just can't let go of in this cold weather.

Maybe one day I'll find a compromise between the two, but 
at the moment, I'm just beginning to realise that I'm both the 
shy girl and the confident one. No, I'm not complete without 
both.

I wish he could be in love with both sides because after all 
this time, the lines have blurred in my identity and I'm so 
much more than I used to be, and what I used to want.
Slowly, I'm accepting that I'm changing, I am. It's going 
to be very hard to yield to the truth in the long-term. Today, 
tonight, I'll really start trying to deal with this frustrating 
situation.

My reflection shows in the window, and it seems I'm smiling 
a little. 

This is me, this is who I am, and who I'm going to be. I know
I wouldn't feel at all trapped, if only his eyes would gaze at me
like they do at her. Then, I'd feel beautiful and confident enough
to face the world head-on. I'd have no need to feel free only as
that lady of the shadows.

This is the way it could be, if only both of us weren't so 
human. 


* * *


Hmmm.... wonder where that came from? Dusted off from
somewhere in my hard disk drive most probably.
Anyhow, if you've guessed what it is, then I can disclaim this:
the brilliant, funny -- and much more up-beat than this fic --
Shadow Lady was created by the fantastic Masakazu Katsura 
and I have no permission to use his characters.

It's been a while since I read the Shadow Lady manga, and, 
even then, I haven't read the whole series, just parts of it, right 
up to the annoying cliff-hanger where her identity was on the 
brink of being revealed. Just consider it set early on, around 
the timethe incidents alluded to in the vignette happened.

This just seemed to come out of nowhere, and if anyone else 
here knows of and likes this wonderful series, please let me 
in on what you honestly think of this, and if I strayed far from 
this character. Anything, really. And, hey, even if you haven't 
read the series, lemme know what you think. I know my 
writing needs help. ^_^

~Kayu-chan







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