Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][Ranma\SM][Repost] A Different Viewpoint: American Vacation Chapter 14
From: David Johnston
Date: 2/9/2000, 4:55 AM
To: Christopher J Olsen
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

   Akane stared out into the rain and sighed.  They had set up three
small tents around the cold fire pit.  Ranma's, Michael's, and
Johnathon's.  They hadn't really discussed sleeping arraignments, but

"arrangements"

   *A few moments ago, at the camp.*

I don't think you really needed to resort to a flashback for that.  In 
fact, you could have just not bothered with the "Michael decides to go 
look for people" bit.  

and gave it a tug, then let go and looked expectantly at Ranma.  The 
red
head
blinked.  "You want the pot?"  Kasumi nodded, and motioned her head

formatting error

Nabiki's going to find a place for this guy, without even finding out 
who he really is?  

   Nabiki sat back, thinking.  "I have to find out more about this
guy.  If  he's really a friend of Johnathon's or not.  I guess I could

Sentence fragment

Wow, the dub portrayal of Luna as an elderly spinster sure is 
influential.  

   A voice on the other end, (a youngish girls voice.) said, "Oh 
excuse
me, is this the residence of Mamoru Chiba?"

The parenthetical approach wasn't necessary.

"A girl's voice on the other end said,"

Nabiki is, incidentally, not a youngish girl.  She's eighteen in this 
story, isn't she?  When I hear "youngish girl" I think 14 or less.  

OK, so what's his name is on the way to getting his own curse.  I hope 
you have a good idea for one.




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