Hi,
My comments##
(I told you I'd C&C ^_^)
{Sorry it's so late. I finished it a week ago but Real Life . . . <sigh>}
From: "DaveCatt" <catthouse@lweb.net> | Block address
To: "FFML POSTING" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][xover][r.5/BTVS][Draft-C+C Requested]Akane
The
Vampire Slayer Part Four
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 09:12:52 -0500
<SNIP>
Ranma, distraught at his inability to be there to save his
friend, became despondent, and was visited by the ghosts of dead
friends, providing some much needed closure.
To add to the general weirdness, Xander has undergone a
massive personality shift, not to mention the fact that Spike has
returned to Sunnydale, in search of a particular Gem...
##Nice recap. (should that be "inability to save his friends (plural). . ."?
IN EVERY GENERATION, THERE IS A CHOSEN ONE....
TOKYO, SUBURB OF JUUBAN, JAPAN
The tattered-looking young man stopped in front of the
fence that surrounded the small suburban house. He stared hard
at the address, then down at a crumpled piece of yellow legal
paper clutched in his hand.
"Finally! After searching for so very long..." Tears
trickled down his cheeks. "Akane! I'm here to protect you at
last!!"
He'd arrived at the Tendou Dojo a little over a month ago to
find the venerable edifice
## "venerable edifice"???
in ruins, his beloved Akane and her
family gone. Queries around the neighborhood has been met with
only a stony silence, as though the residents of the district had
no interest in discussing whatever force or forces had levelled
the Tendou home.
##A little convoluted for my taste. IMO stop with "stony silence."
When he'd checked the usual hangouts of the
loosely affiliated band of martial artists known to the locals as
the Nerima Wrecking Crew,
##Well, maybe. I find the "Nerima Wrecking Crew" to
be too cute. Especially given the death and destruction
involved in the story thus far.
he'd found the Nekohanten deserted.
Akane's favorite Kissaten
##Hmmm, this is a judgement call. I had to look up
"Kissaten". From context I figured it was a restaurant
or �hangout' so I was close. I like to use a lot
of Japanese in my stories, especially if it's something
that doesn't translate well. And to give the story
a Japanese "flavor". However if you can try to define
the term within the paragraph. It might not be necessary
in this case since context tells the reader it's some sort
of generic hangout. (could be a clothing store also).
Example::
Akane's favorite Kissaten had been likewise been free of martial
artists. No one at the coffee house had seen her for weeks.
had been likewise been free of martial
artists. There hadn't been any sign of the gang at Furinkan,
either. Finally, he'd found his way to Ucchan's Okonomiyaki,
where a grim Ukyou had informed him that the Tendous had moved
away, but she'd be happy to give him directions to where they
were staying. It was a long trip to Juuban, at least it had been
for him...
<SNIP> A rather cute and well written segment. However
it seemed to be overly long for a transition or informative piece.
Even if ALL the information in this segment is needed IMO it
could still be shortened. It's interesting to see Ryouga start
getting up to speed and the interaction is cute in spots.
IMO it slows the pace of the story at this length.
Shorten this bit to give ONLY what is absolutely
necessary for the story. (Introducing Ryouga)
LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, 1:05 am
The sleek black convertible parked at the arrivals gate and
disgorged its lone occupant, a tall, dark-haired man dressed in a
black leather trenchcoat over a charcoal silk shirt and matching
slacks. He glanced up at the sky, trying to divine whether it was
going to rain or not. Preferring to err on the side of caution,
he leaned back in and toggled the roof closed before activating
the alarm and entering the terminal.
##Ummmm, Nice set up. IMO the man's physical description should
be broken into smaller chunks. But it's right on the edge so not a big
problem. OTOH I can't imagine anyone leaving a convertible at an airport
with the top down. But perhaps that's my suspicious nature. ^_^
Even at this hour, the terminal was a teeming mass of
humanity, the sheer number of people boggled his enhanced senses.
Wincing slightly, he shouldered his way through the herd towards
the LED sign displaying the arriving planes by number and gate.
Quantas Flight 141 was due in about twenty minutes.
Taking a seat as soon as one became available, he
instinctively scanned the crowd, his keen hunters eye spotting
the weak, the old, the ones who would not be missed. With a
scowl, he dismissed the thoughts. His senses, refined over two
hundred and forty-four years, still insisted on performing tasks
he no longer required. Well, he amended, no longer DESIRED to
require.
## "DESIRED to require." is awkward. ^_^
Good set up. A little rough. Could stand to be smoothed
out.
Discreetly, he sipped at the silver flask he kept in the
inside breast pocket of his coat, careful not to draw the
attention of security, who might wrongly assume he was sneaking a
nip of hootch.
## "Hootch"??? "Sneaking a nip of hootch"??? ^_^
Errrrr, this sounds VERY odd.
Being amidst this many mortals at once was a
strain
he'd endure, but only because SHE asked him to...
When he'd answered the phone and heard her sweet voice, he'd
almost hung up right there and then, the pain of his own
self-imposed exile still too recent, too deep. Some part of him,
however, (the human part, his mind assured him), wouldn't let
him. She needed a man who could give her the life she deserved- a
life full of joy, of picnics in the park on a sunny day, the
simple warmth of an embrace, children... But didn't HE deserve to
hear her voice again? Even if it was only a tinny echo over the
telephone?
He sighed, a wholly affected gesture since his lungs
contained air only so long as he remembered to breathe. He went
over the conversation in his mind. A friend of her houseguests'
was coming into L.A. tonight from Japan, and was almost certainly
in danger from some kind of sociopathic martial artist named for
women's undergarments. Despite himself, he chuckled. Buffy's
weirdness magnet was still in full effect. It was good to know
that SOME things never changed...
##A little overblown dialogue & description. And "weirdness magnet"
has also been overused. (similar to "water magnet") IMO better
to simplify and SHOW rather than lecture. (which is what a long
internal dialogue amounts to.)
Example::
Buffy had asked him to meet the seven o'clock flight from Tokyo.
A friend of the new slayer was in danger from some sociopathic
martial artist.
{or perhaps "shape changing martial artist"}
You could take the Slayer out of the Hell Mouth
but you couldn't take the Hell Mouth out of the slayer . . .or something
like that. It was nice to know that Buffy hadn't changed.
Once he'd agreed to help, the remainder of the conversation
had been terse, platitudes and pleasantries exchanged as if the
rote repetition of cliches could dull the heartache they both
felt. After he'd hung up, he'd spent hours trying to remind
himself of why exactly he'd left her, why he'd thought that life
apart would somehow be less painful for them both. Somehow the
rationale seemed less compelling in retrospect...
##Again, shorten this. The problem with fanfiction/crossovers
is you're dealing with known material. BUT you don't know
how much the reader knows. :( You don't want to have
too much repetition NOR do you want to leave too much blank.
In this case, _most_ readers should be familiar with Buffy. Those that
are not . . .this really doesn't help. And you can't spend
the time rehashing the series. Therefore, IMO, it's better to keep this
much shorter.
He shook his head. This much angst was almost TOO much, even
for him. He glanced at his watch. Almost time. He stood and
prepared to wade back into the throng when a voice came over the
loudspeaker.
"Attention ladies and gentlemen. Quantas Flight 141 from
Tokyo has arrived, but due to some mechanical problems passenger
deplaning will be temporarily delayed. I repeat..." The message
repeated in English then again in Spanish. He paused,
unpleasantly surprised.
##Confusing. It sounds like the announcer is pausing. Just
need to change the sentence structure a little.
If he hadn't been warned to expect
trouble, he might simply have shrugged the announcement off as
one of the inevitable delays that accompanied air travel. Since
he DID know better, however...
##Leave out "however..."
He made his way over to the observation window and peered
out, spotting the 747 bearing the red Quantas logo almost
instantly.
##Just out of curiosity . . .why Quantus rather than JAL???
It had taxied up to the accordion-like shape of the
disembarkation platform, but the tarmac alongside the plane was
abuzz with activity. Mechanics, technicians and airport EMS staff
scurried around like angry hornets. An upwards glance revealed
that there was some visible damage to the side of the plane. One
of the emergency exits looked as though it had been wrenched off
its hinges then jammed back into place with sufficient force to
damage the surrounding fuselage.
##Ummmm, nit-pick. IMO a jet is so thin skinned
that if you ripped off a hatch you wouldn't be able to
jam it back in place. Trying to do so would
probably cause more damage. (You can poke a hole
in the side of most airplanes with a screw-driver.)
I think this description need a little re-write.
There have been several instances of aircraft losing hatches
in-flight or sections of cabin. IMO better to leave the plane
with a hole in the side.
As he watched, the hatch of the
rear emergency exit blew open, spilling out a rapidly-inflating
rescue slide.
##If they've made it this far why the emergency slide?
They are NOT easy to use. Why not just use roll-up stairs?
IMO if it's this much of an emergency they wouldn't have
taken the time to taxi up to the exit.
Alarmed, he forced himself back through the crowd to the
doors and dashed along the side of the structure towards the
airfield, hurdling the security fence as though it were nothing
more than a bump in the road. Relying on all the native stealth
his form possessed, he made his way across the tarmac to the
scene, miraculously remaining unobserved by all.
As he watched, passengers began leaping down the bright
yellow rescue slide, carry on bags in hand, into the waiting arms
of EMS personnel who gave them each a brief once-over before
directing them towards the terminal.
##Nope. NO carry-on luggage when using the emergency slide.
{They just had a program on TLC on air-craft emergencies. ^_^)
IMO you need to do one or the other. Emergency slides OR
the "disembarkation platform". Unless you describe another emergency
that necessitates the use of the slides after landing. The slides
are HARD to use and dangerous. It takes a lot of training
to use them quickly and w/o injuring yourself.
He'd been told to keep an eye open for a Japanese girl
carrying a baker's peel. That last had set him to thinking that
maybe this was Buffy's idea of a joke, but she'd assured him that
her guests swore that the large spatula never left the girl's
side, and that she'd almost certainly checked it as carry-on
baggage.
##Nope. No way. At _best_ the pilot would take it up front
with him. (happened to me with an antique British
naval officers sword.) They would probably make her
store it in the hold. Nor would they let her carry the
throwing spatulas. (well, perhaps if she wrapped them
like cooking tools. ^_^ NOT in a bandoleer.) Also
the BIG spatula is MUCH too large for carry-on luggage.
Sure enough, there she was, baker's peel slung across her
back like a sword. She leapt down the slide with a surprising
grace that rivalled his own.
##They're not going to let her on the slide with
that thing, assuming they let her on the plane with it.
If she didn't stab someone with it, she might break
her back when she hit the slide.
He cocked an eyebrow as she shrugged
off the attentions of the EMS. She was tall, he noted, (for a
Japanese girl,) maybe five-seven-five-eight with long dark hair
held in a pony tail with a white scrunchy. Her clothes were
ordinary enough, a pair of well-worn loose blue jeans and a
mannishly-cut navy T-shirt. She seemed unharmed, no visible
bruises, and his hunter's instinct told him she was in excellent
physical condition. She didn't betray any sign of nervousness
under his close scrutiny, at least not to any greater degree than
any of the other passengers.
##Sounds like she knows "he" is watching her and isn't
nervous despite this. Although later in the story
it appears she does NOT know about "him" yet. ^_^
So where was this Garterbelt person?
##Shorten this. Or at least spread it out a little. Too much description
in one lump.
And I think the "Garterbelt" is a bit much.
It's NOT hard to remember a name like "Pantyhose".
He backed away from his vantage point behind a baggage cart
and made his way back towards the fence, intending to meet the
mysterious Ukyou Kuonjii at the baggage claim since she seemed
unharmed. If all went well, he'd simply keep her company then see
her safely on to her flight to Sunnydale at six.
##you've already used "unharmed".
Ukyou strode across the tarmac towards the gate, her eyes
rapidly scanning the area as she walked. She had the strangest
feeling that she was being watched. Of course you are, she
mentally chided herself. There's security people and medical
personnel all around you, not to mention customs agents... Still,
her subconscious warned her, SOMEthing is out there, something
that's paying particular attention to YOU.
##Changed from third person POV to second person back to third person.
Very jarring to make a POV shift like this.
It was an unsettling
feeling, but nevertheless one she was familiar with. She'd been
dodging Tsubasa long enough to recognize the fact that she was
being... Well, stalked wasn't quite the word, since she didn't
pick up any malice from her unseen observer, merely curiosity...
Tracked was a better word for it.
##Ummm, "Tracked" doesn't quite fit IMO.
Perhaps::
Well, stalked wasn't quite the word, since she didn't
sense any malice from her unseen observer. She was
definitely being watched.
Well, there's not much I can do about it right now, she
thought. First things first, I need to find a phone. Ranchan must
be worried sick...
Entering the terminal, she passed through customs easily,
her visa and passport in order. Her baker's peel raised a few
eyebrows, but since it certainly didn't LOOK like any sort of
weapon, she was allowed to pass.
## It DOES look like a weapon. It's big, metal and sharp.
You've never tried to get through customs. (Or maybe
you've been luckier than I have. My sister got stopped one time
just because she had so many stamps in her passport. They
thought she was a drug-smuggler or a CIA agent. {She's
a history professor.) At any rate Customs people just LOVE
to stop people. That's how they get promoted. ^_^
If you MUST have her carry the spatula on board you
need to give her some sort of pass. Perhaps a diplomatic
courier's passport. (You just have to have the right connections
to get one. I had a friend who was a courier while a freshman
at college in DC.) With this she wouldn't have any trouble carrying
the spatula on the plane or through customs.
When pressed, she merely told
the truth, that it was a family heirloom she didn't want to risk
losing in a baggage mix-up.
##Trust me. The airports don't care about the _PEOPLE_
they carry, let alone heirlooms.
<SNIP>
"<He freaked when he heard your message and took off. We
haven't heard from him yet. What's going on? Ranma said that
Pantyhose was with you?>"
"<Uhh, well, he split, mid-flight.
##<BG>
You said Ranchan freaked
out? What happened?>"
"<Well, it's kind of involved, but he'll be glad to know
you're all right...>" A happy glow warmed Ukyou's heart at that
thought. Akane continued, nonplussed. "<An old... friend of
Buffy's is gonna meet you there. We, er, Ranma was worried that
he couldn't be there himself, but... >"
##A little confusing. re-write.
<SNIP>
Good stuff overall but needs a little polishing.
Hmm, touched a nerve, did I? She chuckled to herself.
Well... good. Akane's not as annoying as Shampoo is, (WAS, she
winced, corrected herself mentally,) but she still owes me for
taking Ranchan away like that, evil undead on their tails or not.
##<G> Right. Got to get the priorities straight. Ranma first, then the
undead.
Speaking of the evil undead, she thought, I bet that
explains that creepy feeling I had earlier... I didn't sense any
hostile intent, but who can tell with creatures of darkness? Not
that I've had a lot of experience in that department...
##IMO better if stop with:: " . . .creatures of darkness?"
Delete the last.
Mentally on the alert, she walked over to the baggage
carousel, fishing in her pocket for her claim stub. She collected
her suitcases and glanced around for this "Angel"...
She spotted a tall caucasian man in a trenchcoat looking in
her direction. Experimentally, she reached out with her
rudimentary Ki sense, and encountered only a hungry vacuum where
she would have expected to find at least a glimmer of life
energy. Definitely not a normal man...
##Try::
" . . reached out for his Ki and found only a hungry vacuum.
Definitely not normal."
OR
" . . .reached out with her rudimentary ki but found only a hungry
vacuum . . .not a normal man."
{I like the "hungry vacuum" visualization. ^_^}
He noticed her scrutiny and tried on a cautious smile she
expected was supposed to put her at ease. Reaching into his coat,
he pulled out a piece of cardboard and held it up facing her.
Sloppily written kanjii characters were inscribed on it in
black magic marker, spelling out her name. Despite herself, she
smiled. It was hard to be wary when faced with an immortal
creature of darkness who's handwriting was worse than her
five-year-old cousin Shin's... She walked over, hauling her
suitcases.
##Cute. Perhaps " . . .worse than Ranchann's"
IMO this simplifies things. You don't have to introduce
an unknown character. Plus, IMO, the reader will have a better
feel for the sloppy handwriting given their knowledge
of Ranma's character.
"Hi... " The vampire said awkwardly. "I'm a friend of a
friend of Ranma..."
"Yes, I know." Ukyou responded in accented English. "You are
Angel?"
He looked surprised for a moment.
"How did... Oh. You checked in with Buffy, hunh?"
##Don't need "hunh"
She
nodded, carefully watching his expression. "She told you that
I'm, er... ?"
"Yes... I feel I should inform you that I am a trained
martial artist, and am quite capable of defending myself should
you decide you are in the mood for a late night snack."
##???errrr, this seems very strange. IMO delete it or
change it so it's not quite so stilted.
"Fair enough, but I don't really do that anymore..."
##Cute line.
"So I have been told. Listen, I am very sorry you have been
inconvenienced, but I am presently in no danger... You can go, if
you would like to."
##how does she know that? If she'd just trying to ditch Angel
there needs to be some indication of this.
This also reminds me of all those "teen slasher movies" where
everyone separates to go investigate the strange noise rather
than running like h**l for the police. IMO if you've got
hordes of un-dead martial artists trying to suck your soul
then you want all the help you can get. ^_^
(IMO two or more un-dead blood suckers constitutes
a horde)
"That's all right. I made a promise to Buffy that I'd look
out for you. It's no problem."
"But I... Well, If you must. Could you give me a hand with
these?" She nodded down at the suitcases. "I need to get these
over to my connecting flight."
"Hmm, what? Oh, okay..." He hefted the two bags easily.
"Lead on..."
##why the "Hmm, what?" His "distraction" or whatever
doesn't seem to fit.
Unbeknownst to Ukyou and Angel, they too were being
observed, by a pair of almond-shaped sapphire eyes, eyes that saw
on more levels than the mundane dimension that was (if only by
majority consensus) called reality.
##Very convoluted. Lose the "Unbeknownst" and simplify.
IMO this particular scene calls for simplicity and brevity.
This is a personal stylistic belief. IMO this scene is to show that
there is an unknown watcher. And to give some details about
the watcher.
They were attached to a
statuesque Chinese woman who gave the appearance of being in her
mid-twenties. She was dressed in a stylish Givenchy pantsuit
exquisitely tailored so as to highlight her obvious physical
assets without revealing so much as a hint of skin. Her
golden-blonde hair was done up into a conservative bun held in
place by a silver hairpin bearing a delicate dragon filigree. Her
companion was a younger girl of about eighteen, her ridiculously-pink
hair
done up in an exotic odango-style with jade ornaments and a pair
of delicately-wrought golden earrings in the shape of tiny axes.
The girl, despite her exotic looks, was wearing the uniform of
teenagers across the globe, a loose T-shirt and blue jeans over
sneakers. Both women shared a basic similarity of feature that
indicated a close family resemblance.
##OK, this is MUCH too involved and static a section.
Good descriptions and very detailed. Just not the place or
pace. One option would be to drastically shorten
this section.
IMO, it's better to break this up into smaller pieces
interposed smoothly with action or activity as the story progresses.
For instance have Ukyou admire the hairpin of the unknown Chinese woman
or have the young girl touch her ear-ring as they are getting into a cab. At
any rate do NOT just stop the story to give this information.
"<Hmm... Interesting.>" The golden-haired woman said,
following the vampire and the martial artist with those piercing
sapphire eyes. Her younger companion looked up.
"<What was that, Grandmother?>"
"<That couple over there... What can you tell me about
them?>"
The teenager glanced in the direction her elder had
indicated and sniffed the air. Frowning, she turned back to her
companion.
"<The Japanese seems... familiar somehow. Should I know
her?>"
The older woman smiled faintly.
"<No, I suppose not. And the man?>"
"<It's odd, Grandmother, but he smells... wrong. Cold. Is he
a threat?>"
"<No, not that one. But do let me know if you detect any
others like him, hmm?>"
"<Of course, if you wish...>"
The golden-haired woman nodded with a fond smile at her
pink-haired companion, before placing her right hand lightly
on the younger girl's shoulder. Her left hand moved upwards in a
slicing motion, leaving a thin trail of honey-colored light in
its wake, which quickly stretched into a vertical beam about six
feet high. She stepped forwards into the line of light, drawing
her companion with her. In a moment, the two were gone as though
they had never been, the light fading behind them.
The milling crowds took no notice of their departure, just
as they had taken no notice of their arrival moments before...
##Nice. IMO you could work a lot of the descriptive info into
the otherwise naked dialogue of this section.
<SNIP> Good dialogue.
JAPAN
Ryouga came to on the couch, someone having dressed him in
his slightly damp clothes. As his eyes focused, he took in his
surroundings from his prone perspective. The two strange girls
and the panda were looking at him with varying looks of concern,
while Nabiki was going through his wallet.
"Hey!! Put that down!!"
Nabiki glanced over unconcerned as she replaced the battered
leather billfold on the coffee table with a shrug.
"Fine. Pay me when you can." She stood and walked up the
stairs, oblivious to Ryouga's scowl. The two new girls watched
her go, and an odd look of sympathy passed between them before
they returned their attention to the strange (and fairly
handsome, in a rumpled sort of way) boy who'd appeared in their
living room.
##IMO this section is too slow. And, IMO, you need to explain
a little about Nabiki and the devil hunters. You've spent a lot
of time setting up Ryouga and these three but we don't know why.
Perhaps I'm too impatient. ^_^
(Even if you put it in earlier chapters the reader may have forgotten
by the time the next chapter comes out) It's not in the otherwise
excellent "what has gone before". So I'm at a loss to understand
What, Where and Why. (I'm especially curious about Nabiki.
She should have at least said WHY she's charging Ryouga 500 yen) OR
perhaps not. It may be that you are setting up Nabiki for
future events in the story. Even in that case I feel that there
needs to be a _little_ more exposition for foreshadowing.
Ryouga blushed awkwardly, and sat up.
"Uhhh, gomen, folks... " Both girls smiled understandingly.
"That's okay," said the odango-girl with a smile. "You've
just got one of those Jusenkyo curses like Saotome-san, right?"
"H-hunh? Uh, yeah, that's right... You're not mad, or
upset?"
"Why should we be mad? I should really apologize to YOU for
knocking that vase out the window and on to your head." The
shorter of the two girls said, with a winning smile that made
Ryouga's ears turn pink. "I'm Kanzaki Azusa, Apprentice Devil
Hunter, and this is my sempai, Manou Yohko, the 109th Devil
Hunter. What's your name, sir?"
"Uhh, Hibiki Ryouga. D-did you say that you're a Devil
Hunter? What's that mean?"
"I'll tell you what it means!!" A voice said from the
doorway. The trio turned to see a girl about Yohko's age taking
off her sneakers and stepping into a pair of slippers. "It means
that she's fully capable of meeting all your exorcism and
monster-slaying needs! For a reasonable fee, of course..." She
had chestnut hair worn loose to her shoulders and sported a pair
of stylish eyeglasses over her sky blue eyes. She was dressed
fashionably in the latest style of jogging gear. Yohko greeted
her cheerfully.
"Hiya Chi! You're here early!"
"Well, I needed to talk to Nab-chan about our latest
promotional campaign before we went out shopping. Now, Mr.
Wet-Stranger, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Ogawa Chikako,
Devil Hunter Manager extraordinaire and all-around financial
genius. Are you in need of my client's expertise? Oni in the
bathtub? Youma in your garden? What seems to be the trouble?" She
strode over confidently, sitting down across from Ryouga and
looking him over speculatively.
##Other than an obsessive need to describe what people are
wearing in sudden chunks you do good dialogue. ^_^
"Ogawa" is especially cute. I like this a LOT.
"Uh.. No, no... I'm just looking for a-a f-friend, I
guess... Is Tendou Akane here? A mutual friend told me she was
staying here."
The three girls exchanged a worried glance. Azusa finally
took pity on the handsome scruffy boy and filled him in.
##Ummm, IMO too many "friend" in a row. And I think you've
already established Ryouga is both handsome and scruffy. Perhaps
some different descriptors.
"I'm very sorry, Hibiki-san, but Tendou-san left almost a
month ago for America with my cousin Ranma and Tofu-Sensei."
The whine of a cicada echoed in the silence. The wind-chime
in the window tinkled once in the faint breeze.
##I like this as well. VERY nice bit.
"L-left? For America?! She's g-gone?!!"
"I'm afraid so," Azusa said sympathetically.
"With... Ranma?"
Azusa nodded.
"Why?"
## No "DIE RANMA!!!" ? ^_^ This seems
just a little too subdued for Ryouga.
I'd expect him to at least punch some holes in the wall
with his finger or something.
"Well, after what happened in Nerima, they had to leave the
country. They went to a place called Sunnydale to train with a
famous Slayer of Demons, a girl who studies an art very similar
to Yohko-sempai's."
##Why not just call her a "Demon Hunter"?
"What happened in Nerima? Why won't anyone tell me?!!"
Ryouga yelled, frustrated. "What does all this have to do with
some American Demon-Fighter?"
##You've changed the name again. IMO pick one and stick with
it.
"It's not really my place to say, Hibiki-san..." Azusa said,
bowing her head.
"Well then whose is it?!
##That's what _I_ want to know? What's the big secret?
Again this reminds me of those slasher movies where everyone
splits up to go investigate a strange noise just after the first
headless body has been found.
It doesn't make sense to me.
Damn it, Akane is the girl I
l-l-l... Well, she's a very good friend!! Why can't anyone tell
me what happened?!" He looked around the room, frustrated beyond
measure. The three girls looked away guiltily. The panda merely
played with his beachball.
"RRRRrr, that's it, old man! You're gonna do some talking!"
Ryouga strode over and grabbed the panda by the scruff of his
neck and dragged the beast into the kitchen, kicking and
growfing.
##Drop the sound effects. IMO::
"That's it, old man." Ryouga growled like a diesel with
a warped main bearing. "Talk or die!" Ryouga grabbed the
panda and dragged him into the kitchen whimpering and crying.
IMO it's better to describe Ryouga's tone of voice
and demonstrate his anger with action. In this case short
sharp sentences work better for anger. Longer more
sedate sentences work best with more benign emotions.
Finding another kettle on the boil, he turned off the gas
and dumped the hot water over the panda, triggering a
metamorphosis into a middle-aged man wearing glasses, a white gi
and a kerchief covering his bald head. He had the look of a once
powerful man gone slightly to seed.
##Ummm, the clothes don't come with the change.
Either provide the clothes or <shudder> have a naked Genma.
"Now now, boy. There's no need to be so rough about it..."
"Shut up! You're gonna tell me what happened in Nerima, and
you're gonna tell me now!!!" He raised a fist menacingly, causing
Saotome Genma to quail.
##Too stock. I'd like a little more description of
Ryouga's anger than "menacingly" and Genma's
fear than "quail"
"All right, all right, settle down, boy. Let me up, and I'll
tell you everything... In the living room."
"Okay, but don't even TRY to get out of this!"
The two men walked back into the living room and sat down.
Genma assumed a pensive pose that looked altogether too
well-rehearsed for Ryouga's liking. Azusa and Yohko sat patiently
nearby, while Chi bowed out to go visit Nabiki upstairs.
"Azusa dear, would you be so kind as to fetch me a cup of
tea?"
"Certainly, Ojisan Saotome." The petite girl hurried into
the kitchen, dragging a recalcitrant Yohko by the ponytails
behind her.
"Where do I begin?" Genma said pensively. "Hmm. I suppose it
all started when Mousse returned from China once mo
re..."
##I think "Saotome Ojisan" or perhaps just "Ojisan".
This bit with Ryouga/Genma is unsatisfying. It doesn't really
convey much of Ryouga's anger and frustration. And Genma
comes across as very card-board. IMO this has a lot of potential
but needs a complete re-write to bring out all of the emotions.
In the kitchen, the two girls eavesdropped discreetly while
waiting for the kettle to boil.
"Why'd you drag me in here, Azusa? that boy is so-o cute!"
"Yohko-sempai, could you PLEASE think about something other
than boy-chasing for a change? Hibiki-san will no doubt be very
upset when he finds out what happened to Itokosan and his
iinazuke's family. He seems to be very fond of Akane-chan, don't
you think?"
##Itokosan??? I had to look that one up. ^_^
Again, define unfamiliar terms. Especially ones
that are hard to get from context. Try::
"Hibiki-san will be very upset when he finds out what happened
to itokosan. He seems to be very fond of my cousin's iinazuke, don't
you think?"
Although in this case I think "cousin" might work just as well
as "itokosan".
"Awww... Akane-chan has all the luck..."
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that on the grounds that
it makes you sound like a dingbat, Sempai."
"Nani?!"
"Akane-chan has just gone through a horrible tragedy, and
you think she's lucky?! Tsk. Poor Hibiki-san..."
"Hmm? I think YOU'RE the one who's boy-chasing, Azusa. 'Poor
Hibiki-san', indeed."
"Well, he seems like a very nice boy, and he doesn't have a
chance with Akane-chan... There's just something about him that
makes me want to take care of him..."
"Ooh! You ARE sweet on him! Wait'll I tell Chi!"
"Don't you dare!"
"I will, so there!" Yohko pulled a red-eye and laughed.
"RRRrr, Yohko-sempai, you are SO immmature!!"
"Nyahh!"
##Drop the "RRRrr".
Ummmm, I'm not sure what this scene did. I'm much more
interested in Ryouga and Genma. OTOH I realize you don't want to
re-hash what-has-gone-before. IMO this scene should be drastically
shortened. OR it needs to be more productive in terms of advancing the story.
I'm not really learning much in terms of vampire slaying or what the
villains are doing, etc. And while some of the scenes and dialogue are
cute most of seems to be filler.
The girls re-entered the living room with two cups of tea as
Genma finished telling his tale.
"... So my son and Akane left with Tofu-Sensei to train
under this Summers person. Nabiki, my wife and I came to stay
here with the Manous while Soun-kun recovers in the hospital. I
fear that the loss of poor Kasumi was too much for him. He's
never been the same since Kimiko-chan passed away so many years
ago, and now this..." He sighed, shaking his head. "Our only
consolation is that the Master perished as well. Thank the Kami
for small mercies..."
"Excuse me for a minute, will you?" Ryouga said
mechanically, walking out the front door and closing it behind
him. No one failed to notice the flickering bands of dark energy
that were gathering around the Lost Boy's body. The girls
exchanged puzzled glances, before wincing as a bright flash went
off outside, accompanied by a guttural yell and shockwave that
blew out the front windows in a hail of glass.
"SHI... SHI... HOUKOUDAN!!!!!!!!"
KA-SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!"
##Very nice. except for the sound effects. IMO better to describe
the blast.
Example::
The girls exchanged puzzled glances just as the world came to an end.
With a roar like a dying dragon and a flash of light that burned
their eyebrows off, the windows and doors blew inward.
Again, IMO, it's better to describe sounds and actions
by analogy and action that are easily visualized.
The occupants of the living room picked themselves up off
the floor and were joined by a panicked Chi and a nonplussed
Nabiki.
"Saotome-san, what happened?! What was that?!" Yohko cried,
brushing bits of glass from her fuku. Genma sat, impassive, as a
bit of ceiling plaster bounced off his head.
"The boy was just letting off some steam, that's all. He
gets upset easily."
Everyone except Genma and Nabiki facevaulted.
##Pet peeve. IMO a writer should NEVER use
"facefault", "sweatdrop", etc. I realize they are
fanfic conventions but such terms really are not
very descriptive. As well I feel they are inappropriate
in such a serious story being better suited for
comedy or spamfics if used at all.
Chi was the
first to recover.
"NANI?! Who's going to pay for the damages?! This is
ridiculous!"
Nabiki walked up behind her and draped her arms over Chi's
shoulders.
"Don't worry, Chi-baby. Pig-boy has a fat wallet." She said
wryly. "C'mon, let's go back to our little project, hmm?" Chi
blushed a deep crimson and tittered nervously as Nabiki led her
back upstairs by the hand.
Yohko stared after the duo, noticing that Chi's T-Shirt was
on inside out. No way...
Azusa merely smiled benevolently.
"Those two are such good friends!"
##^_^ Cute.
minor points:
1)I don't think NANI works here. IMO
better to use an English word of phrase. Perhaps
"What the hell?"
OR
"Nani!?" Chi was the first to recover. "Who's going to . . ."
2)The idea that Ryouga has a fat wallet is a little
disconcerting. You might have Ryouga give some
explanation for this a little earlier. I realize you had
Nabiki looking through his wallet but there was no indication
that Ryouga had "a fat wallet."
NERIMA JAPAN, ONE MONTH AGO
The three figures trudged wearily through the night-darkened
forest of memorial stones, their footsteps crunching on the dry
white gravel path. The lead figure bore a small black satchel in
one trembling hand, the other clutching a flashlight to
illuminate their progress. His two younger companions followed
silently, absently scanning the area with haunted eyes for any
other signs of movement.
Not a day earlier, the trio, and many others, had walked
this same path, bearing the remains of one who was once a beloved
sister and hoped-for lover to what the majority of mourners had
thought would be her final resting place. To their sorrow, these
three knew that this was not to be.
##nice.
They stopped their trek at the Tendou family plot, the beam
of the torch alighting on the shrine, a larger mirror image of
the one at the dojo, stopping for a moment on the two most recent
inscriptions. The first, perhaps ten years old but still
unweathered, bore the name "Tendou Kimiko". The latest, the
inscribed letters fresh, read "Tendou Kasumi". With a shuddering
sigh, the man switched off the light and turned to face his young
compatriots.
##A little too convoluted. Simplify a bit.
"Akane, Ranma... "
"Hai, Tofu-Sensei." They took flanking positions at the
Sensei's side, their back to his. Mu-Tsu and Xian-Pu's
whereabouts were still unaccounted for, and a watch had to kept.
Both girls were tired, and more than a little scared.
##Why is Ranma a girl? Again, even if you explained this
in an earlier chapter you need to refresh the readers memory.
In this case a little reminder in your _what-has-gone-before_
section might do.
What they
were about to do was terrifying even to contemplate, but their
experiences over the last week ensured that they were well aware
of the necessity of their actions. Kasumi's soul had to be put
back on the wheel of karma, and her body had to be put to rest.
It was their giri to the memory of the sweet, innocent girl whose
peace they were about to ensure.
##??? again this is very convoluted. simplify.
Tofu knelt in front of the small shrine that contained the
cremated ashes of the only woman he'd ever truly loved. He said a
small prayer to whatever deities would listen, then stood with a
grunt.
## I _think_ cremation will take care of the undead.
I'm not up on all of the "Buffy" vampire lore. However
I'm reasonably certain that cremation takes care of vampires.
(you can also bury them at a cross roads at midnight
after cutting off their heads.) However if cremation
does NOT kill "Buffy" vampires you might want
to mention this. OR don't cremate Kasumi. (IMO
a better option)
"The demon has not yet stirred. Take your places. We must
wait for the creature to appear before we complete our task."
The two girls nodded, stepping back into the concealing
shadows with their mentor.
It is a credit to the skill of their assailant that not one
of the three skilled fighters took notice of his approach, up
until the moment that they collapsed unconscious at his touch.
Quickly, silently, he produced a small bottle of shampoo and
lathered up the heads of his insensate victims. With the
judicious application of pressure to various points on the
cranium, he made sure that the trio would remember only that
which he wished them to remember; that they had arrived at the
Tendou Shrine and had performed their giri.
##I'm not sure this is the proper use of the term
giri. It also doesn't seem reasonable that the
Bad Guy (BG) would leave them alive to try
and kill him or them later. If there is a reason to keep them
alive, IMO, this needs to be mentioned or at least alluded to
at the time he is working away with his shampoo and
pressure points.
{OK, I know who the BG is now. ^_^ I've
been commenting as I read. Now I've finished and
come back to this}
With no more noise
than he made approaching, he faded back into the night, masking
his presence completely.
In a moment, all three sat up and glanced around in
momentary confusion, before gathering their equipment and leaving
the way they came, muffled sniffles and sobs echoing in their
wake.
When he was assured that they had well and truly left, their
assailant emerged, made certain preparations to the area, and
took up the vigil himself.
Within minutes, a thick vapour began to issue from the
supposedly-sealed shrine, almost luminescent in the darkness as
it slowly coalesced into a humanoid shape. The glow slowly faded
as the shape became less nebulous, becoming distinctly feminine
in form. As the observer watched from his place of concealment,
the shape achieved solidity and the form and features of a
beautiful woman in her early twenties became visible,
resplendently naked, the deep brown of her eyes somehow lit from
within by a hellish glow.
No human emotion showed in the depth of those eyes, only a
hunger that seemed to intensify as the creature gazed about the
grounds, her stare finally landing on the watcher.
The glow in the umber orbs flared, pinning the observer in
place temporarily as the creature took a step forward, an
animalistic expression contorting the lovely features that in
life held such peace. She took another step forward before
freezing, a snarl on her lips as she encountered some form of...
barrier between herself and the living being she saw as her prey.
She backed away, hissing, only to encounter another invisible
wall to her left. Flailing out, she found herself boxed in,
unable to attack or flee.
The trap sprung, the observer stood, no longer in thrall to
the vampire's mesmerism. With a snarl of recognition, the trapped
vampire spat his name like a curse.
"Tofu..."
She lunged forward, body contorting as she impacted the
barriers set by the prayer-chains that encircled her tomb, unable
to pierce the holy magicks that restrained her.
##Nice. (don't like the "holy magicks". Seems too
cliched a term) The rest is very good however. And
it explains why he didn't kill them. OTOH
I'm curious as to how Tofu managed to sneak
up on himself. ^_^ I still think this section needs some
work. My preference is for a somewhat tighter
and faster paced section
"Hello, demon." The Watcher said in a low voice, barely
restraining the elation he felt. Everything was going according
to plan. The creature wearing Tendou Kasumi's form hissed, then
straightened. A cunning light lit her eyes as she gathered a
glamour about herself, clothing her naked form in a simple dress
and apron, not unlike the ones Kasumi had worn daily in life. The
creature's expression changed, becoming a mask of peaceful bliss
and benevolence.
"Oh, my! How nice to see you again, Tofu-sensei..." The
vampire glanced innocently at the prayer chains. "Oh dear, I seem
to be trapped! Would you be so kind as to let me out? I'd be ever
so grateful..." She looked hopefully at her captor.
##Even for a demon this is pretty silly dialogue. IMO you need
to re-work this section to make it more believable.
Tofu forced himself to look away, his mind beginning to fog
at the sight of his beloved Kasumi-chan, just as he remembered
her. With trembling hands, he reached inside his black gi and
pulled out the sheaf of glyph-covered papers he had secreted
there.
"Tofu-sensei? Please let me out... I have to get home and
cook dinner for my family..."
##This is a much better line. You just need to set it up
a little more believably.
Tofu ignored her, and began reading aloud the spell he had
researched.
With a gasp of searing pain, the vampire collapsed to her
hands and knees, her false gentleness instantly fading to be
replaced by a demonic rictus, eyes blazing, needle-sharp teeth
appearing in her open mouth.
"W-what are you... DOING t-to me..?" the creature
half-gasped, half-snarled as convulsions racked her body. "STOP!
I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL..."
Tofu continued to read the spell aloud, his voice gaining
strength as the creature trapped between the wards writhed in
pain, her face shifting between human and vampiric features.
He finished, his voice steady. On the ground before him, the
vampire's eyes widened with shock, as a flash of warm, pure light
emitted from within the orbs. With a very human gasp, she
collapsed in a faint.
##Ummm, don't like "orbs". Good otherwise.
SUNNYDALE, THE PRESENT
Xander slunk back up the basement stairs of his house,
emerging back out into the night with a chuckle. So someone was
using the Nanban, eh? Well, wasn't THAT interesting. Meddling
with time was always good for a larf, but who was doing it? He
resolved to find out.
With speed and agility anyone who knew him would have been
stunned to see he possessed, Xander sprung off over the rooftops,
trailing the source of the magical energies.
##larf ???
From the opposite direction, Ranma-chan dashed nimbly across
the rain-slicked rooftops, the last words he'd heard Kasumi's
fetch speak echoing in her mind.
##Ummm, this section needs more of a transition. I have
little or no idea what is going on. VERY abrupt transition
from three months ago to the present. Remember that
it's been a while since this story started and a while between
chapters. So far this chapter has concentrated on Ryouga
in Japan, Ukyou at the airport, Tofu back in time. NOW, suddenly,
we're running across the roof in the rain. This is confusing.
Transition a little more smoothly OR add more to your _what-has-gone-before_.
Also is Ranma HE or SHE??? " . . .he'd heard" vs. "her mind".
She cried out Tofu-sensei's name... Is he in danger?
##tense change.
Worried, she'd leapt off her perch in the high steel frame that
would soon become the clocktower of a reconstructed Sunnydale
High School, and sped off towards Tofu's flat.
##Confusing. Who is "she" Ran-chan or Kasumi?
As she dashed across the avenue, she looked down to see
Akane and Buffy emerge from the Summers home and walk out on to
the street. Torn between to twin impulses to stop and hail them
or continue on to Tofu-sensei's she halted momentarily, allowing
the other girls to spot her.
"Ranma!!" Akane called, dashing over to her iinazuke's side,
Buffy close behind her. "Ranma! Wait!!" The red-headed girl
turned to face her, a worried look on her pretty face.
##Confusing. Too many "her" for instance.
"Akane... We've gotta get to Tofu-sensei's place. I, er...
Got this feelin' he's in real trouble..."
"Feeling? What do you mean, feeling?!" A troubled look
crossed Ranma's features before she answered.
"I just know it, okay? Can't you just trust me on this one?"
"O-okay, Ranma..."
##Ummm, the structure on this one is a bit clumsy. I'm
especially bothered by the "er..." and Akane's reply.
Perhaps::
"Akane----we've gotta get to Tofu-sensei's place. I gotta feelin'
he's in real trouble."
"Trouble! What do you mean, trouble?"
"Just trouble," Ranma snapped. "Can't you just trust me on this one?"
"O-okay, Ranma."
##A subtle difference but IMO more natural sounding.
also, use the ... sparingly. (at least that's what my pre-readers tell
me to do. ^_^)
The trio dashed down the wet streets towards the small block
of flats where Tofu had been staying, Buffy and Akane managing to
keep up with Ranma's grasshopper leaps with some effort. Shortly,
they arrived at the Watcher's front door, Buffy and Akane panting
as they caught their breath.
"Whew! Guys, what the heck are we doing? What's going on?"
Buffy asked between gasps.
"We gotta check on Dr. Tofu, Buff. I think he's in trouble."
##Buff??? hardly seems worth the effort to shorten Buffy to Buff.
Could also mean Buffalo ^_^
I _guess_ this is alright. Just sounds strange to me.
(Not wrong, just strange. This is VERY subjective.)
Ranma said, knocking on the door.
No answer came. She tried again, a little louder. Still no
answer.
"I don't think he's home..."
"Nope," a familiar voice called out, "He's gone bye-bye..."
All three girls looked up to see Xander perched on the roof
overhang like a half-naked gargoyle, a mischievous look on his
face.
"X-xander?" Buffy goggled. "What are you doing up there? Why
aren't you wearing pants?"
##<G>
Why do I suddenly see an MST in your future.
(Not me, btw. But someone)
Xander leapt nimbly down from the roof amidst the three
girls, a lascivious smile plastered across his mug.
"Well, it cuts down on the preliminaries, doncha'know. Gimme
a hug!!!" He lunged at Buffy, encircling her petite frame in a
full-on glomp that caused the startled girl to squeak in
surprise, then growl as she realized which parts of her anatomy
were being subjected to squeezing. With a snarl of disgust, she
punched the boy squarely in the face. His nose took the brunt of
the strike and crumpled with a sickening crunch, sending him down
to the walk with a groan.
##IMO funnier if faster paced.
(I'd replace "glomp" but that's very subjective)
"You... You... ASSHOLE!!! What the hell are you doing?!"
Ranma and Akane exchanged glances, then looked at the
moaning boy on the ground clutching his broken nose.
"Did that attack look... Familiar to you, Ranma?"
"Y-yeah... But there's no WAY..."
Buffy was still screaming at the prone figure on the ground
at her feet, a stream of invective issuing from her lips that
would have made a merchant marine blush. As it was, lights were
coming on across the complex.
"Uh, Buff? Maybe we'd better do this someplace else..."
Ranma said, worriedly.
"Yeah, Buffy. Here, I have a spare key Dr. Tofu gave me for
emergencies..."
##Don't need "..."
Akane produced her key ring and fumbled for the
right key. Buffy stood silently, glaring poisoned daggers at
Xander.
##IMO she'd be kicking him in the kidneys or somewhere
lower. ^_^ I'd change this. It just doesn't seem to fit the scene
to have her "silently, glaring" daggers, poisoned or not.
The trio let themselves in to the darkened apartment,
dragging the half-dressed, moaning boy in behind them.
They were shocked to discover the apartment in shambles;
papers and scrolls strewn about the room like the debris from a
windstorm. A quick search of the apartment proved that Tofu was
indeed nowhere to be found. Akane rapidly came to a conclusion.
"He's been kidnapped!" A muffled groan issued from Xander's
prone form.
"Doh, doh... I dib dis..."
"What?!" Buffy snapped, her tirade interrupted.
"I ded, I dib dis. I buz booking bor by beeror..." Xander
stood, finding his feet with a little difficulty. "I belt sumboby
ubing by beeror, bo I cabe to cheb ib owb. He bas gomb wheb I gob
here..."
##Ummm, a little too much of this unintelligible speech.
A little bit goes a long way. ^_^
The three girls looked perplexed.
"What did you say?"
Xander sighed as best he could, and sat down on the couch,
brushing aside the scattered papers. A blue glow suffused his
body for a moment, and the damage to his nose healed itself
before the trio's stunned eyes.
"There, that's better. Now. I said, I did this. I felt
somebody use my mirror, so I came to check it out. He was gone
when I got here, so I tossed the joint looking for my Nanban. My
guess is that he's using it right now..."
Akane and Ranma exchanged shocked glances, while Buffy
merely looked confused.
"You tossed the apartment?! YOUR mirror?! What the hell is
wrong with you?! You're running around half-naked commiting
felonies and trying to cop cheap feels off me?!! This isn't like
you Xander, I-" Buffy's eyes widened as she took a step
backwards. "You're possessed again, aren't you?" She sat down on
a chair with a groan. "Oh, no... Xander, I swear. It's like
you're a magnet for these things..."
##magnet again? <sigh> you need a better analogy.
Also Happy as Xander doesn't really sound like Happy.
You need to work on the characterization a little bit.
"It's worse than that, Buffy..." Akane said softly. "I
*think* that's Master Happousai..."
##Errrr, Buffy thinks Xander's possessed. How is
this "worse"???
A glint flashed in Xander's eye.
"Oh, good guess, Akane-chan. But call me, Xander, hmm?
Happousai, charming, debonair ladies man that he was, is gone.
Oh woe, oh tragedy, such a great loss to the world!!" He sobbed
melodramatically for a moment, before brightening. "I know you
missed me, but don't fret! I'm back for good, and I'll never
leave my two favorite pupils again!!"
"Grrr... You get out of his body, you perverted old freak!!"
##No sound effects.
Xander leapt to his feet and pulled a face.
"Nyah-nyah! Make me! I like it here!"
"Why you..." Akane swung at him, but Xander dodged easily
aside and sprung nimbly across the room to the door.
"Whassamatter with you? Ain'tcha got no respect for an old
man?" He looked down at himself, then smiled apologetically. "Oh,
right. I'm not an old man anymore, am I? Well..." He looked
pensive for a moment, then snapped his fingers and smiled
charmingly. "I know! Be nice to me, or I'll have the Harris boy
here stroll out in front of a speeding bus! Howzzat for
incentive, hmm?"
##Ummm, then what does Happy use for a body?
Ranma lunged across the room, fists flying.
"Leave him alone, you old bastard! I'll send you back to
hell!"
Xander/Happousai easily evaded the Amaguriken technique and
sidestepped. Ranma's momentum carried her forward and through the
door with a horrendous crash. Xander chuckled merrily.
##Happy may have the experience but does Xander's body have
the strength, stamina, etc. to do these techniques?
This needs a little explanation. Even if you've given one in an earlier
chapter at least refresh the readers memory a bit. ^_^
"Oh, such fun, such fun! I really missed you, m'boy!" His
eyes turned to Buffy who was standing by the couch, a stunned
look on her face. "Now, YOU... Oh, boy, but ol' Xander's been
waiting a lo-ong time for you to come across with the goods! You
wouldn't beLIEVE what he's been dreaming about doing with YOU,
Buffy-baby. It's enough to bring a tear of pride to an old man's
eye. Now, give us a smooch, sweetie!" He sproinged forward, arms
outstretched for the glomp. Buffy sidestepped the lunge and
kicked the possessed boy with all the ki-force she had, sending
the lecher straight up through the roof with a crash. As he flew
off into the night, still cackling gleefully, Buffy stared
furiously after him, her breath coming in angry gasps.
"This is even worse than that time with the hyena..."
##Cute. OTOH I've seen that episode of Buffy. ^_^
I'll have to get someone who hasn't seen much Buffy to read
this and get an opinion. IMO:
1) get rid of the "..."
2)the imagery is sufficiently strange and compelling
to be funny even to people who haven't seen that
Buffy episode.
JAPAN, THE MANOU HOME:
Sometime later, after the glaziers had left and Ryouga had
received a royal chewing out from Madoka, Yohko's Grandmother and
Mentor, (who had returned home from her weekly Mah-Jongg game to
find her front lawn and living room a shambles), the Lost Boy sat
on the back stoop and watched the sun set.
"Akane... I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you... You
must be going through hell." He hung his head. "If only I'd been
there, I might have saved your sister... She was always so
sweet."
Ryouga turned slowly as he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.
Azusa stood there, a bowl of soup in her outstretched hands.
"Here you go, Hibiki-san. I made it for you. It's an old
family recipe..." She offered him the bowl with a hopeful smile.
Ryouga accepted with a polite bow.
"Itadakimasu, Kanzaki-san." He sipped at the soup. The
flavour was salty, but soothing. "This is very good... may I ask
what it's called?"
"It's called 'Sopa De Grande Pena'. It's a Spanish name. My
mother learned the recipe from her friend Pipo who came from
Latin America. It means Heartbreak Soup." She smiled
sympathetically. "I thought you could use some."
##Ummmm, Spanish? Oh well. I like the name.
I'd prefer an equivalent Japanese dish. OTOH the
Japanese like ethnic foods. I'm not really sure
you need to introduce yet another new character. (re: Ukyou's
niece with the bad hand writing) IMO the soup
is good. I don't think you need a new character unless
he plays a part in the story. It just seems contrived.
"My mother" could have learned the recipe from
watching "Iron Chef" on TV. (they do a LOT of ethnic
foods)
He looked up at her, a sad smile on his face.
"Arigatou, Kanzaki-san. It's very... soothing." Encouraged,
she sat down next to him, delicately arranging the chaste lines
of her long skirt.
##Chaste lines???
"You can call me Azusa... that is, if you want to..." She
said, a small blush colouring her nose.
"Ah... Sure, Kanza- er, Azusa. I-if you want, you can call
me Ryouga..." He blushed a little himself, and sipped at his
Heartbreak Soup.
"I'd like that." Azusa replied quietly. They sat in pregnant
silence for a while as Ryouga finished his soup.
## "pregnant silence"?
It just doesn't seem to fit.
"<SNIP> Ryouga ranting. ^_^
"Well, he should! If he hadn't been leading on Shampoo, none
of this would have happened!! It's all his fault!! He's gotta
PAY!!"
##A little too predictable in terms of Ryouga's response. Azusa
is a little bland. Nothing very new or interesting in this section.
Azusa sweatdropped.
##Errrr "sweatdropped"?
"Err, o-kayy... Well, what I was trying to say was that if
you want to go to America, I think you should."
"America? Well..." Ryouga looked pensive for a moment, then
shook his head. "Azusa, I think you should know something about
me... I'm uh, not very good with directions. I can get lost on
the home islands for months... America's a pretty big place. How
am I gonna find her?"
"I... I could go with you... As a guide, I mean... And I
speak pretty good English... <Good day, I am a Strudel Oven.
Where is the Refrigerator?>" She blushed.
##LOL. Very nice.
"You'd come with me?" Ryouga asked, stunned. "B-but, you
hardly know me!"
"Well... I always wanted to see America... And I'm not in
school, so I don't have to worry about that. Besides, I'd like to
train under Summers-Sensei too. As an Apprentice Devil Hunter, I
will look on it as special training!!" She sat up straight,
smiling. "What do you say?"
Ryouga looked at her, so eager and energetic, her
honey-brown eyes sparkling. Despite himself, he smiled.
"All right... Let's go."
"Yaay!" Azusa cried, giving Ryouga a quick hug before
collecting herself and returning inside.
"Auntie Madoka! Ojisan Saotome! I'm going on a Training
Mission!"
Ryouga sat, stunned.
"She... hugged me?"
##Much better. Funny and moves the story along.
BACK ACROSS THE POND:
Long ago, people used to try walking the streets of
Sunnydale at night. They also stopped, for some odd reason.
Something about living on top of a demon-attracting anomaly that
sat on the rubber sheet of reality like a lead weight, making all
similar objects roll down towards it.
##Cute.
OTOH I seem to recall people walking the streets of Sunnydale
at night. (Of course a lot of them ended up eaten. ^_O)
This particular taboo was not currently being observed by a
lone male figure, recently arrived to the benighted burg.
He was wrapped up in a midnight-blue cloak, a hood obscuring
his head and his feet made soft tappings as they hit the
pavement.
Then, he turned a corner, under a street light, and, as he
turned, one could glimpse a momentary flash of features - cold, hard
violet eyes, the light flickered off steel-gray earrings. Blue-black
hair falling in heavy bangs over his face were countered in their
bouffant appearance by two twisting locks of hair behind his
ears.
##you're stopping to describe people again. :(
Now, people HAD stopped walking the streets for a reason.
Just as the man prepared to resume his movements, one of
said reasons burst out of a bush, snarling.
The man regarded the beast with blunt, cold boredom.
"Hi there, pretty-boy..." snarled the vampire. "You up for a
quick drink?"
To this, the young man just chuckled. Just to clarify, it
was *not* a nice chuckle.
## "Just to clarify . . ." interrupts the flow of the story.
"Oh, y'think that's funny, do you?" the vampire snarled.
"Now, ever since the slants arrived, heh, they bin showin' us stuff
'bout martial arts... So hold still and this won't hurt for long."
##??? This is a little convoluted.
The vampire lurched forward with a speed that belied his
hulking appearance. As he approached, there was a sudden blurring.
The young man was gone. Turning, the vampire looked behind
him. He was sitting nonchalantly on a fire hydrant.
"You don't seriously think I'd waste my energy on you, do
you?" The man asked in an oddly moderate voice. Not a deep,
gravelly voice nor a high, feminine one... just enough of a
distinction to make one pause.
"Oh, you'd better..." the vampire stalked forward.
"Oh well."
Suddenly the vampire had to deal with a foot to his face, a
punch to his jaw and three short jabs to his stomach that left him
winded, despite not needing air.
##??? Very confusing.
"S'alright... I like ta play with my food, anyway." He
lashed out with one hand at the now standing boy, who casually
sidestepped and flipped his cloak over the vampire's head.
"Hey!" he lashed out. "Get!" Whoosh, the cloak catching the
air and billowing at the vampires movements, "Back!" Swing, a
wild haymaker that never came near. "Here!" Clang.
##Get rid of the sound effects.
Water sprayed everywhere as the hydrant exploded. The
vampire, fortunately not a Jusenkyou-cursed one, shook his head
and managed to rip the cloak off his face, before turning around
to find the kid. He turned his head around...
Then up...
And up...
And Up...
"Uhh..."
Now, the informed reader is meant to chuckle and say "Uh-oh".
##Get rid of the editorial comments.
A huge, furred monstrosity filled his vision. Eight writhing
black tentacles squirmed regularly around in arcs, two fists the size
and density of sledgehammers clenched angrily. A pair of horns
glittered pale in the darkness, moonlight winking off the two iron
rings
that said, yes, this nine and a half feet of nightmarish
malignancy was the same thing that had been under the cloak.
##Work descriptions INTO the action. Don't stop the story.
Don't _talk_ to the reader.
breaks the flow of the story.
The creature raised its arms over its head and FLEXED. A
huge pair of bat-shaped wings spread out to almost twenty feet. Then,
the creature blinked a few times, and its eyes gleamed the faintest
red with slitted irises. With an angry, bovine smile, it showed a
grin that proved, yes, a grin is merely showing all your teeth. Two
predominantly overlarge fangs glittered in prominence over the rest.
##A little too chatty. IMO needs to be re-worked.
The rest, sadly, is child abuse. There are some things that
not even a vampire can live through.
##^_^
This is a cute line. Breaks the flow of the story but I like it a lot.
This is a keeper.
Pantyhose Tarou, godson of Happousai, snorted angrily. Now
he'd have to find some hot water. Oh well.
Stalking away from the smoking ashes that were all that was left
of the vampire, the vast beast chuckled to itself. If that was
the sort of thing that he had to face, well, this was going to be
easy...
"I swear... you're gonna pay, duck-boy." He vowed, clenching
one huge fist.
Well, that's what he meant. What he said was more like:
"Moo, grrr, moo, snort."
But the sentiment is there.
##Cute. Don't like the editorial comments. (eg. "What he said . . ."
"But the sentiments is there.") Watch the tense change.
Don't use sound effects.
JAPAN, THE PAST:
Tofu stepped forward and dismantled the prayer chains, his
breathing ragged with anticipation. He could barely tear his
eyes away from Kasumi's supine form. Did it work?
Heedless of his own safety, he knelt down beside her, out of
instinct feeling for a pulse before dismissing the idea as
ridiculous. Gently, he tried to draw her to her feet, but she
remained limp and cold in his arms.
"Kasumi-chan... Speak to me, please..."
With a gasp, her eyes flew open, a look of sheer terror in
the brown orbs. A racking breath shuddered through her body as
her muscles spasmed, knocking Tofu to the ground. Alarmed, he
spun, only to see Kasumi stagger to her feet, and looked down at
herself. There was a moment of silence as she held up her hands,
examining them in the moonlight, her back to the Watcher.
##If you're going to call Tofu Watcher, IMO, do it earlier. I think
it works better if you call him Tofu here. Kasumi turning her back on Tofu
rather than on in impersonal "Watcher".
<SNIP> Kasumi pleading.
His hand stopped, refusing to go any farther.
"Kasumi... I can't do this..." Her eyes flew open,
despairing.
"Then I will!!" She reached out to grab the ward, but he
pulled it away.
"No, I can't let you do that... Please, Kasumi, forgive me,
but... I can't let you die again..."
"Then you are an even greater monster than what I have
become..."
Kasumi picked Tofu up by his throat. It seems his assessment
of her strength, comparative to his, was now somewhat flawed.
While she may not yet have the endurance of a true kyuuketsuki,
she sure had the strength of one.
##This is confusing. What assessment? Kyuuketsuki?
I'm thinking this is a Japanese vampire but it's not clear.
##A little uneven. IMO you need to work on this section to make
the emotions believable. Good but could be better.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME DIE?" she lamented in his ear, her
misery a peircing cry that tore at him.
"Kasumi-chan - please!" he gagged. "You're- you're
hurting me!"
## "And I like it."
{sorry, couldn't resist.}
Kasumi released him and dropped to the ground, tears
flowing
from her eyes. "Why?"
"Kasumi... we... we need you. Not just me. Ranma-kun, he
needs your help."
"What good would I do? I'm nothing but a housewife,
remember!?!" she snarled at him, her face unconsciously
metamorphosing. "And now, I'm not even THAT."
##???
Uneven. "lamented" doesn't seem to fit with "misery" and "piercing cry"
for example.
"Shhh..." Tofu reached out with one arm, to comfort her,
only to have her grasp his wrist and fling him over her head.
##Tofu should at least be a little stunned by this.
"Leave me alone!"
"Kasumi-chan, we have to go back!"
"Leave me!"
Tofu tried to prop himself up on his wrist, to call after
her running form, but he sagged, the pain shooting up his arm - she'd
BROKEN his WRIST! Gods...
##??? you might want to mention this earlier. ^_^
And why "Gods..."???
It could be just me but I found this to be
confusing.
"We're in California!" Tofu yelled. "PLEASE!"
##Errrr, how did they get to California?
I thought they were in Japan of the
past.
And why "PLEASE!"
And what does being in California have
to do with anything?
Confusing.
It was too late. Kasumi was gone.
"Well done, Ono."
Tofu looked up over his shoulder, only to encounter the
briefest flash of a face-
And a fist to his jaw.
**********************************
END EPISODE FOUR: TO BE CONTINUED!
**********************************
By Dave Menard and Rick Hall, with plot assist by Matty Higgins.
Jan. 2000
THANKS GO OUT TO: The ATVS Prereaders Squad, Nicole Manders, Wade
Trischler, Blade, and all the C+C mavens on the FFML.
NEXT TIME: Pantyhose versus Xander, a possible cure for Ranma and
a new magic shop opens in Sunnydale. All this and Spike too, next
time on Akane The Vampire Slayer!
NOTE TO RYOUGA FANS: We hope you enjoyed this episode's guest
appearance of everyone's favorite Lost Boy. Unfortunately, due to
an already-overstuffed cast list, Ryouga won't be appearing again
in ATVS for quite some time to come. However, Ryouga and Azusa
will be showing up next in the first of a sporadic series of
sidestories (working title: Ryouga Hibiki and the Lost Crusade)
as the bandanna'd twosome make their way across the wilds of
America in search of that fabled place they call... Sunnydale!
Coming soon from Leaping Gnome Productions!
##Overall: promising.
Problems:
1)Why spend so much time with Ryouga if you're not going to use him?
2)Why spend so much time with Ukyou and do nothing with her?
Both of these sections were overly long even if they were a set-up
for later chapters. (also the reader is likely to have forgotten
the set up by the time the chapter is posted)
3)IMO this section was VERY slow. The real action was with Tofu/Kasumi,
Xander/every one and a little bit of Taro. The Ryouga section could be
reduced
or deleted. The Tofu section could be greatly expanded. I'd like to see
more of
Xander/every-one.
4)Don't spend so much time with static description of clothes, hair,
jewelry, etc.
If you need it, work it into the story.
4)Mysterious new characters. Good. VERY good.
Delete or reduce a lot of this chapter. Ryouga especially if you're not
going to
use him. And he certainly doesn't do much in _this_ chapter. Move the story
along
faster. Pretend you have to pay $0.25 for every word you post. ^_^ Then go
back
and delete EVERY word that is not essential to the story. That will give
you a good
starting point for a re-write.
The concept is good and you have some brilliant spots of dialogue and scene
setting.
C+C REQUESTED, NAY, DEMANDED!!!!!!! Reach Dave at
catthouse@lweb.net, Rick at talen@optusnet.com.au, or the whole
Leaping Gnome Team at leapinggnome@hotmail.com. For previous
chapters of ATVS, visit Akane The Vampire Slayer's Homepage at:
http//:matrix.crosswinds.com/~ksna/