Pale Reflections
a Hime-chan's Ribbon fanfic by
Scott Schimmel
^_^
"I do."
I almost cried, hearing those words. It was the
perfect wedding, really. Replete with yards of white lace
and pink silk and red roses. The vaulting cathedral
bedecked with stained glass, filled by the grand, joyous
rhapsody of the pipe organ. Like a storybook come to life,
it was. Like a dream.
A Western-style wedding, yes. Naturally. As little
girls, we'd always thought they were more romantic than the
traditional Japanese kind. I'd been no different.
No, that's not true. That little girl was another
person. But I still feel that way. I'm sure anyone who'd
been there would have thought the same. It was...
beautiful. There's no other word to do it justice.
So I almost cried, almost. And instead, I half-turned
to glance at him. Daichi. He hasn't changed a bit. He
looks quite dashing in formal wear. Although he didn't seem
entirely comfortable. And his expression was almost one of
boredom. But that's just the way he is; he always has been
a little reluctant to face his feelings. His eyes give him
away, though. I didn't notice that for the longest time,
but I think it's always been true, if only I'd known to look
for it. I think Daichi was on the verge of tears himself.
If it had been Daichi saying those words to me...
I turned back, but not, I'm ashamed to say, without
reluctance. Not that I'd needed to worry about being
spotted by the happy couple. Tetsu-kun and Manami were
still kissing.
That was a surprise. No, not the kiss; that Manami
would ever be so serious about one man. It wasn't that she
didn't like Tetsu-kun; quite the contrary, obviously. She
just liked Daichi, too. And Hiroshi-kun. And
Morita-sempai. And... I've forgotten his name; the sempai
on the soccer team. And Sei-sama. And dozens more. She
was rather infamous for it.
Anyway, I guess she and Tetsu-kun finally had bounced
off of each other often enough that they decided to try
holding onto each other instead. And they're a cute couple.
I'm sure they'll be happy.
They always have been, at least as far as I know; I'll
admit I never paid that much attention to them at first.
But I'm pretty sure that they always have been. Especially
Manami. And I've seen how their emotions feed off each
other, when they're together.
Just like I've often thought that Daichi and I...
Afterward, Manami lobbed the bouquet practically right
toward her friend I-chan and me. I stretched like everyone
else, but I wasn't the one who caught it. Always the
bridesmaid, never the bride, I guess.
Well, maybe next time.
I'm pretty sure I-chan only made a token effort. She
hasn't so much as dated anyone in... nearly a year, now.
Manami used to tease her about it, but she didn't mind. She
just smiled. And said she hadn't met anyone worth the
effort, yet. I can respect that, but she was so... blunt.
Of all of us, she's the one who's changed most, I
think. Even more than I have. She was the most practical,
down-to-earth one, but now she's more cynical, even acerbic.
That sense of humor is as strong as ever, though, and much
more strange at times.
There are times when I'm not entirely sure how I ended
up becoming friends with any of them, but I-chan is the one
I question most. Not that she's not also a good friend; she
is, in her way. I saw that when she, Manami, and Hime-chan
banded together to prove the strength of "women's
friendships."
They proved the strength of theirs, anyway. I was
impressed, and I wasn't nearly as credulous or naive as
Hime-chan was. It must have been that day that set the
stage for my later friendship with the girls.
Daichi surrepetitiously grasped my arm, and I blushed,
realizing that I'd just daydreamed through most of the
speeches at the reception. I rose along with him. And we
danced.
The clothes, the music, the dance; it reminded me of
long ago. But that had been a dream to me; this was real.
Daichi was real. His arms around me, real; his steps
smoothly, gracefully, guiding my own so that they seemed as
natural as walking. Real. I melted into his embrace and
prayed that it would never end.
But end it did; the spirit was willing, but... hours of
dancing had taken a toll. I practically collapsed into a
chair. Manami took a moment to corner me, a grin of
innocent malice playing across her lips. "What, tired
already?" she teased. "And you were always so energetic,
too. I practically expected you to dive for the bouquet."
"I'm just as energetic as I ever was," I protested,
returning the smile. "The problem is, my body is twice as
big now, so it's only half as concentrated."
Manami giggled, rolling her eyes. "Perfectly logical,
as ever."
"Oh, and you're one to talk about logic."
She arched an eyebrow. "Daichi, which of us is more
logical?"
"There's no way I'm going to even try to answer that."
Daichi made a valiant effort to hide behind the floral
centerpiece; Manami and I both giggled.
"Well," Tetsu-kun chimed in, walking up behind Manami
and enfolding her in his arms, "Manami had the sense to
marry me, so she's the winner."
Manami smiled smugly.
"At least," he added with a grin, "until you two
finally-- oof."
Manami gently elbowed her husband. "Hey, you're
supposed to be on my side."
"Sorry, dear," he replied contritely.
She beamed, a sweet smile. "I forgive you."
"Gah," Daichi interjected. "If marriage makes everyone
this sickeningly cute..." But he trailed off as he glanced
at me.
I tried not to blush. Failed miserably, judging by
Manami's sudden giggling fit, but tried nonetheless.
Marriage... Could it be? I'd dreamed of the day when
Daichi would ask me...
Would he? No, surely not, but if there was even a
possibility... It seemed like I'd been waiting my entire
life, and yet... there had been days when I'd thought there
was no longer any chance for us. Or even that there never
had been. Okay, maybe I didn't ever admit it, but I wasn't
delusional...
He glanced away, suddenly uncomfortable. Relief and
disappointment waged a struggle within me, but Tetsu-kun
made some innocuous comment, and I was able to let it
distract me before I had to decide which had won.
I didn't forget Daichi's reaction, though; I knew full
well what it meant. Once Manami and Tetsu-kun had drifted
away to speak with other guests, I tried to think of a
subtle way to bring the matter up.
I settled for reaching out and touching his shoulder.
Subtlety, it's true, was never one of my virtues. But it
worked; he turned to look at me again.
"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" It wasn't
really a question; like I said, his eyes give him away. But
I asked anyway, and he nodded. My poor Daichi. Still in
mourning.
Not that I blamed him. It's that compassion that had
attracted me in the first place, and besides... I felt the
same way. No matter that I'd wished Daichi would pick me.
As desperately as I'd wanted that to happen, I never wanted
it this way.
I'm sure he knew that. I'm sure.
"Let's go see her," I suggested. It had been a few
weeks, after all. Slowly, he nodded. I forced a small
smile.
We did wait until the day after the reception,
naturally. Neither of us wanted to be so rude as to leave.
Besides, Daichi was the best man, and there was a speech to
be made.
He didn't go nearly as hard on Tetsu-kun as I'd
thought. They must really be close friends. Tetsu-kun sure
looked nervous, though. I guess he wasn't expecting Daichi
to go easy on him, either. Naturally, Manami loved the
whole thing.
It was a wonderful day. If only it hadn't led directly
into this.
Now, we stand before a wooden door in a sterile
hallway; even the lighting seems pale and antiseptic. It's
a stark contrast to the frivolous decoration of yesterday.
He is beside me, and takes my hand; seeking or offering
comfort, I cannot tell which. Perhaps both.
I dread these visits. Not because of her, although I
still feel a little shame each time I enter her room.
Because of myself. Every time we step through that door, I
hope to see her sitting up in bed, smiling that carefree
grin.
Ten years, and still... every time.
I step through the doorway, feeling the familiar pangs
of disappointment when she doesn't greet me. He steps
forward first, purposeful, and I see that his fist is
clenched as he struggles to keep himself from betraying
emotion. I quietly circle to the other side of the bed,
looking down at it rather than up at him.
She hasn't changed at all since the last time; there's
no sign she's so much as moved. Her body is still, a fly
trapped within a web of medical equipment and monitors,
slowly wasting away -- she looks pale and thin, though no
worse than she had. At the same time, somehow, she looks
almost angelic; she seems utterly at peace. I find myself
profoundly thankful for that as I whisper, "Hime-chan..."
"Nonohara," Daichi murmurs, stroking her gaunt cheek
delicately. "Nonohara..." It's almost a sob, and I turn
away just a little, offering him what solitude I can without
leaving her side.
"I'm sorry," I say softly, as Daichi quietly cries. I
take her hand, careful not to disturb the IV lodged in her
arm. "I'm so sorry..."
"Don't." Daichi's voice is ragged, but I force myself
not to look; he wouldn't want me to see him like this.
Perhaps if I were Hime-chan, he wouldn't mind, but I realize
that I can't offer him as much comfort as she might have.
Even now. He may have come to love me, but it looks like
I'll always be in Hime-chan's shadow. "It's not your
fault."
"I know," I answer. "But that doesn't help. And I...
I miss her, Daichi."
He simply nods; there's little more to say about that.
So I give him something to say. "Daichi... I'm getting
tired of living this way." He looks like he's about to
protest, but I forge ahead. "I think we should take the
risk."
Now he does protest, vehemently. "We don't know
what'll happen! She-- It might not work! And then... and
then, what if you've given your life for nothing?" There is
anger in his voice, but also fear. He doesn't want to lose
me, and that knowledge makes me feel warm inside. I even
manage a small, forlorn smile.
"Daichi," I tell him, smiling, "I'm dying." He stares
at me, horrorstruck, and I continue; it's taken me weeks to
find the courage to do this, and I'm not going to back down
now. I guess a little of Hime-chan's determination has
rubbed off on me. "Daichi, it's been ten years. I-- I
didn't want to try before, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I
was so scared... still am so scared..."
"Don't do this," he pleads quietly. I ignore him; one
of the hardest things I've ever done.
"No... I know... I've been so selfish, for ten years.
Because I was scared, and I wanted so much to live. But...
Daichi, I'm going to die. Maybe, if I can give her a
chance, even a chance... it won't have been for nothing.
Hime-chan... she's... it's because of her that I was able to
have these ten years, with everyone... with you. I-- I
just..." If only I had her courage, this would be so much
easier.
He fixes me with a solemn, unwavering gaze, and my
words trail off into thin air as my mind blanks. "You don't
have to do this," he repeats again. In his eyes, I can read
the question: Are you sure? And I want to scream no, I'm
not, I want to let myself fall into those eyes forever,
until I drown. I still want to live, but I've been getting
weaker almost since the day that Hime-chan fell comatose.
I nod. "I... owe it to her," I say.
"Now?" he questions, still reluctant, but a little bit
hopeful.
"Today," I affirm. "And maybe-- I hope you'll have
Hime-chan back." Taking a deep breath, I try not to cry.
"You'll remember me, won't you?" It isn't really a
question, but I ask anyway, in a sudden fit of
vulnerability.
"I love you," he says. Answer enough.
I stare into her face one last time, willing her eyes
to open, her lips to form a smile or a greeting. Again it
fails to happen. Yet still I manage a smile as the memories
of her play out vividly in my mind's theater. I had wanted
to live so much, even resented her for a time... but here I
am, ready to risk what remains of my life for her.
Hime-chan certainly has an effect on people.
"Daichi... my love... whatever happens..."
"Yes?" He is worried. He'd never have asked me to do
this, I know, and in that moment, I love him wholly,
completely. The way I once thought I had.
"Try not to have any regrets," I conclude. An
expression of confusion passes fleetingly across his face,
followed by comprehension. Of sorts. I sigh quietly; I
can't help it. "I don't." A small lie, but an important
one. "Except one. That I wasn't even half the woman she
was. No, don't talk," I add quickly. "It'll only make this
harder. Let's do it."
He nods, slowly, tears rolling openly over his cheeks
now. "I'll try," he promises. He leans forward; his lips
brush lightly against mine. Then he whispers once again, "I
love you... Himeko."
"Hai," I whisper back, and embrace the magic as it
crashes over me.
^_^
Don't know what brought that on, really.
Scott Schimmel Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;
Ex luce ad tenebras
"You really aren't normal, are you?" - Miki Koishikawa