Congratulations. An excellent concept, and well-executed too!
(And the fact that it's Hime-chan is a bonus.)
Okay, on to the C&C:
No, that's not true. That little girl was another
person.
Very nice. =)
So I almost cried, almost. And instead, I half-turned
to glance at him. Daichi. He hasn't changed a bit. He
looks quite dashing in formal wear. Although he didn't seem
entirely comfortable. And his expression was almost one of
boredom. But that's just the way he is; he always has been
The number of short sentences make Daichi's description sound
a bit clipped. In my opinion, it might flow a bit better if
a few were merged.
That was a surprise. No, not the kiss; that Manami
would ever be so serious about one man. It wasn't that she
didn't like Tetsu-kun; quite the contrary, obviously. She
just liked Daichi, too. And Hiroshi-kun. And
Morita-sempai. And... I've forgotten his name; the sempai
on the soccer team. And Sei-sama. And dozens more. She
was rather infamous for it.
Anyway, I guess she and Tetsu-kun finally had bounced
off of each other often enough that they decided to try
holding onto each other instead. And they're a cute couple.
I'm sure they'll be happy.
I'm impressed. The "bounced off" part works very well. Nice
monologue.
Afterward, Manami lobbed the bouquet practically right
toward her friend I-chan and me. I stretched like everyone
"Her friend I-chan" sounds a little odd, since it's
established directly after this that I-chan and Himeko's double
are friends as well.
It was a wonderful day. If only it hadn't led directly
into this.
Now, we stand before a wooden door in a sterile
hallway; even the lighting seems pale and antiseptic.
A well-timed tense change. The immediacy it brings to the second
part really adds to the emotion of the scene.
"Hai," I whisper back, and embrace the magic as it
crashes over me.
...and a terrific ending line, as well. Great stuff.
Don't know what brought that on, really.
I can only echo on that one: hope it happens again soon. =)
--Marcus