Yay! More C+C:
Well, negative though my comments below might sound, I still enjoy
this series.
No problem. It's rare that a story, especially a longer one like this,
won't have at least one thing that a reader doesn't like or disagree with;
I know I'm that way with most of the longer things I've read. I'm always
eager to hear anything that could help make the story better, and I'm glad
you're still enjoying the story despite its faults.
One general problem that I want to point out that I have
with it is that it often feels perhaps a bit too expository in the
way it presents aspects of alien culture and whatnot. Snore snore.
I want to experience a story, not read a fact blurb about some race
or costum or whatnot. (no, I'm not much for hard SF, how'd you
guess? ^_^)
Heh. Not sure if I'd categorize myself as a hard SF fan, but that is
certainly the style I've been using in this fic almost from the first
chapter. I have definitely been trying to show a larger picture of the
Tenchi
universe (no pun intended) and its working by providing somewhat extensive
details on the background of people and places and the way they fit into
the big scheme of
things. Now they might not be flowing very well in the story, and I can
try to incorporate it more smoothly, but that is the style I wanted to use,
in spite of some of the drawbacks it has (such as possibly being boring and
dry at times) It's the first time I've written this way, and I admit it's
an interesting experience. Not sure if I'd use it again, but it felt right
to me for this story.
Being the Mihoshi-fanboy I am, every bit of Mihoshi and Tenchi
growing closer is candy for me, and there was a significant amount
of that in this chapter. Nice. ^_^
Thanks. This was meant to be a chapter with an emphasis on the characters
instead of the action, including deepening the relationship between the
two.
"I think it's my turn to pull the sled now, Tenchi."
This insistance at taking her share - and particularly the serious
way in which it is presented, felt un-Mihoshi enough for me to comment
on it even though I hadn't been planning to C&C this in the first place.
Hmm. From what I've seen and read (I'm influenced by the manga as well),
Mihoshi does try to help, is quite eager to do it most of the time, however
she has this bad tendency to nap or mess up at times when she tries to pull
her weight. This is just an extention of those desires. Off the top of my
head, I can recall her helping to peel potatoes in the ninth episode,
helping to take care of baby Taro in the eighth, and sweeping the walkway
in another episode (the one where Yosho talks about Tenchi with her. Might
have been the seventh). I thought it would be reasonable and within her
character for her to insist on taking her turn as well.
"It was bigger than anything I ever had before. I was so proud of myself.
I
managed to swallow the whole nine inches on the first try."
Not to be rude, but really, this innuendo feels just too *CRUDE* to
be at all amusing. Yes, it offends me; not because of vulgarity, with
which I have no problem, but because it feels like an insult to my
intellect that I'm supposed to find this funny - it's on a level much
lower than the rest of the fic.
One of the things I've counted myself very fortunate in is getting feedback
from a variety of readers with different tastes. This section reflected it
very well. I did realize the humor in that part of the chapter is a good
bit raunchier and perhaps more...basic for lack of a better term, than what
I've been doing. As more lowbrow as it is when compared to the rest, I was
hoping it wouldn't be too vulger/simple. You're not the only one to think
it's a bit too basic, but so far the majority of the people that have
written back seem to have enjoyed it. However, your point is valid and I
understand what you mean. It will probably stand as is, but
I think it's safe to assume this is the only instance where the innuendo
will be this nature. So have no worries on that acccount.
And you're not being rude at all. The comment, like all of the others in
this C+C, was very civil, well thought out, and presented.
(for comparison, I *did* grin at, for
example, the bit on the speeder bike)
Yup. Much more subtle and nowhere near the level of the above, though I
did get a couple of complaints about it as well. But again, many more liked
it than disliked it. I think any other such future scenes will be written
more in the vein in the latter than the former.
"I suppose that was around the time her performance rating started to
drop.
In the beginning, she was a fine officer, though I had only encountered
her
at a handful of award ceremonies. I heard odd stories about her in the
I have to note that the (cliche) idea of Mihoshi *really* having been good
once but later turned into the clumsy naive self we know is one I don't
care much for. IMO, she's always been the way that it is, and her very
special brand of competence gives good results, but in ways that causes
most people to complain and talk behind her back.
Actually, I have intentionally left that part of her past somewhat vague.
It's one of the reasons I have Malgaunt say 'I heard odd stories about her
in the early days, but you know how rumors circulate. I paid them little
mind and her performance rating remained high.' The implication is supposed
to be that there WAS something abnormal about her from the beginning, just
that no one took note of it because her results far outweighed any odd
behaviors (An attempt to reconcile the character with Kagato's statement
about her performance rating). This look into her background was not meant
to imply that she was really good and some trauma made her clumsy and naive
later on. Even the 'Cult of Mihoshi' case (which was meant to have been
resolved in typical
'Mihoshiesque' manner) is intentionally timed to be early in her recorded
'downfall', which I hoped would imply that she was quite possibly a lot
like she is now, rather than super-competent.
About the only thing I wrote that is think is hard to reconcile is
Mihoshi's having
to go through the roughest route possible for the academy and graduating
with honors. But Mihoshi does have a tendency to come out on top no matter
how difficult the situation is, so I hoped it wouldn't imply a level of
super-competency too much.
But that's just me
Actually I agree more with you than the cliche, though I can accept it the
other way as well.
"I was surprised by my composure. There was no fear anymore, just a calm
feeling of control. I reacted just like a professional I was. I made it
look like a mugging that went bad and immediately headed off planet. I
was
terrified for weeks that someone would find out what I had done and
arrest
me for murder, but no one ever did. The crime was listed as unsolvable,
and
everyone forgot that little waste of oxygen ever existed." Funuyaki
rubbed
her temple and smiled. It was the first time she had ever told the whole
story to anyone. In an odd way, it felt good to get it off her chest.
I feel like Funuyaki's opening up too much. Sure, she's telling the
story, but would she go deeply into how she felt about it? Especially,
for example, the first few sentences in the paragraph I quoted - not
only is it very cliche, it's also something I can't really see her
bothering to say in front of this bunch who's mostly already hardened
killers.
Actually, by the end of the 'confession' (which is partially what this
becomes by the end) she has opened up more than she had originally planned
As indicated in the last three sentences of the paragraph which you have
above, she's never told anyone the full story before and it has been
bothering her ever since. I was hoping she came off as someone that was a
good (or
at least moral) person that has made some increasingly poor decisions in
her life, and that she still feels unclean over what she's done. In
confessing this to the others (fellow sinners, in a way) she's unburdening
herself from something she's kept bottled up for over a year. Part of why
she is telling them is that she loses herself in telling the story, and it
sort of snowballs on her (That was how I tried to write it, but it might
not be very clear in the story though. A weakness in my writing if that's
the case). Another part is that it turns out to be an unexpected
opportunity for this: If she doesn't do tell them Malgaunt will. (She
wasn't aware of the fact he didn't know about her killing the snitch). In a
lot of ways this serves the same thing as confessing your sins to a priest
or talking to a psychiatrist. In the case of being willing to do it in
front of this
bunch of hardened killers is, aside from being forced to, that she has a
low opinion of all of them, and doesn't care (to a degree) how they judge
her actions.
I didn't go into excessive detail about the theraputic values of confessing
her sins because I thought it would be pretty clear. However, I might not
have included enough. One of the major problems I have in writing is trying
to decide of I'm being too vague or beating people over the head with
obvious explanations. If you think it's necessary, I can add a couple of
lines about why she feels better about spilling her guts like this.
Weee. That was long winded of me. ^_^
Indeed, generally, I have to say that the entire storytelling thing
feels to out-of-place and unmotivated. They're telling their stories
for the sake of the reader, not for each other, and it's too obvious.
Part of this should be lessened in that Ariana's origin has been reworked
into chapter 6. Now there's only two backgrounds that will feel forced. ^_^
Also there is the simple fact that this is the best opportunity for me to
finally
discuss their backgrounds, which have been on the backburner for some time.
Just putting them in thoughts didn't feel right to me, and it felt better
for it to be openly discussed. Likewise this was the first real opportunity
I had to do it. Still, I can see where it does feel a bit forced, and they
certainly are lengthy. I'll see if I can come up with something that eases
the transition, or at least makes it feel less out of place.
And then there was nothing.
Finally Tenchi gets some credit. ^_^
Yep. Pretty much they way I had it panned. Early on I wanted him to avoid
taking things over with the light hawk wings, hence the situations allowing
Mihoshi to actually save their bacon in the earlier chapters. However, now
he has a
chance to strut his stuff. You can expect more in the future as well,
though Mihoshi's role won't be limited either. They'll both be carrying
their weight.
Ah, very nice and thoughtful commentary. It took me almost an hour and a
half to write all of that out and get it sounding the way I wanted. You
definitely forced me to think about and reconsider a lot of what I've done
and I
appreciate it a lot. Hopefully the next chapter will be a lot more
enjoyable for you and have less problems.
Thanks again. I appeciate your comments greatly.
D.B. Sommer