At 09:07 AM 2/7/00 -0800, Richard Beaubien wrote:
On Mon, 7 Feb 2000, Scott Schimmel wrote:
Thanks for the taking the time to comment! ^^
No problem. I like KOR fics. And Hime-chan fics, for that matter.
I was going to go through line-by-line, but I realized that there
are a lot of small grammar and punctuation mistakes, repeated over
and over. So, in the interests of brevity...
*sigh*
This probably one of those reminders that I should really try and find
some way to reinforce my English Mechanics since it was always the weakest
part of my English skills. And it's gone way down hill since I took my
last English course 3 years ago...
Anyway, thanks for putting up with my incomptect editing and commenting
anyways...:P
Eh, it wasn't unreadable, like some fics I've seen. Just
bothersome. And I didn't want to send a line-by-line commentary
composed almost entirely of "You're missing a comma" and such.
The actual plot/character issues took up relatively little space.
Many of the more recent word processors have an automatic grammar
check (in addition to the spell-checking). They do occasionally
highlight sentences that are perfectly fine, if unusual in
structure, but you might find it useful anyway; if nothing else,
an indicated sentence will bear a closer look.
3. Extraneous Japanese. Aside from honorifics and words that
don't translate elegantly (like "omiai"), there is no need for
Japanese in an English fanfic, as a rule. It's usually better
to use English instead.
At the time I thought some of the Japanese like ni nare would of worked
all right, but on second look I'll probably remove it. I do like the
)attempted..:) pun in the title though.
That wasn't bad. Although grammatically, it should be
"Kimagure na Rib(b)on", rather than "no".
I can deal with Japanese "triggers" (like the "ni nare" phrases),
but using them -and- the English ones together is a bad idea.
I also want to keep 'Sore wa himetsu Desu' instead of going to the English
'That is a secret'. FOr some reason I just find the Japanese funnier for
that line...:P
Okay. Don't capitalize "desu", though.
4. Repetition. You should read through your fic again looking
for it, and eliminate it. For starters, you use the word
"wondrous" quite a lot near the beginning, and you often use
"then" twice in a sentence -- at its beginning and again at its
end. There are other instances, too.
I thought I trimmed out most of it, but then I'm not the best ediotr for
my work so...^^
Nobody is. You know what you intended to write, and sometimes that
prevents you from seeing what you actually wrote. It does help to
put a "finished" chapter aside for a week or so, then come back and
do a final proofreading/revision. But even that way, chances are
you'll miss a couple of things.
If this is so, then it's something you're changing for your fic.
In the manga, Madoka is fairly bright, enough so that she's near
the top of her class. In the anime (which you seem to be basing
this on, since Madoka is a fighter), she's even smarter. She has
little trouble with math or history, at least, and is reasonably
fluent in English. She may not be at Ami's level, but she's
demonstrably smarter than average by a good margin.
Actually Madoka may be at Ami's level of intelligence, she just has it in
different fields (like Music, where she's a real Genius).
<nod> That's valid, too. We don't really know -how- academically
gifted she is, just that she is.
And I know full
well that she's smarter than the average student. It's just that she's
getting ridden super hard by the staff because of her 'fighting' problem
and she doesn't like it or being compared to Mizuno Ami.
<nod> You might want to make that clearer during the first lecture,
then. (Although the "fighting" part is canon for the anime.)
(Notice, though... she doesn't like being compared to Ami;
presumably, she wants to be judged on her own merit. That's
kind of antithetical to the purpose of the ribbon.)
I wasn't to sure about what other subjects she excelled at in the Anime
beyond English, and since this was a fusion I did tinker slightly with her
and made her a bit more average at math (At least to the point she
disliked it and couldn't handle the math on Ami's level).
Fair enough.
I have a hard time seeing Madoka cave in to blackmail. It doesn't
seem to fit her character. It'd probably be more effective if
Pokota just pleaded; Madoka is soft-hearted.
Your probably right there..
"You're". (Sorry, but this is one of those things that came up
a lot in the fic. "You're" is a contraction of "you are"; "your"
is "belonging to you". Same situation with it's/its and they're/
their.)
General comment:
I'm not sure I see the point, really. Why would Madoka want to
use the ribbon's power? Hime-chan had a certain lack of faith in
herself when she started, and then just got to enjoy using the
magic, but I don't see either applying to Madoka to that extent.
And she's a lot closer to adult, so there's not as much incentive
for her to imitate adults as there was for Hime-chan.
I can see the point, but for some reason the idea fascinates..:) It may be
because of Biles and his Marmalade Moon series or it may be because I have
an urge to rewatch Hime-chan, but I do like the idea...:P
Then, by all means, write it. ^_^
What I'm using the ribbon for is to do some Character devlopment for
Madoka in a unique way (^^) and at the same time leave me room to do some
zany stuff down the road.
You might need to watch your tone, then. It sounds like you're
planning to make this a light comedy series, but this first chapter
was neither light nor very comic. If I hadn't read this reply, I
would have thought you were writing a dramatic fanfic.
(No reason you can't do both, of course. It's not easy, but
hey...)
Your right at first that she won't want to use the ribbon alot, but she'll
grow into it if I write the story correctly. And at first she's going to
run into situations where she might have to use the ribbon, inculding
dealing with the aftermath of the Juku scene.
<nod> Just wanted to mention it.
I know it might not seem to mesh. But I did enjoy writing this so I'm
probably gonna continue it (at a snails pace, but...:).
<snip>
If Kyousuke is still an Esper in this fic, it could lead to
problems, if you haven't thought about the ramifications. For
one, you don't want his powers to overshadow the ribbon, I
presume.
Kasuga is still an Esper in this fic, I think some of the neater stuff
will come when I have both Kasuga and Ayukuawa trying to hide their
secrets from each other...:) And if Ayukuawa tries to turn into one of the
Esper family..^^
Hm. I wonder whether she'd gain the powers, if she tried that.
I know Hime-chan gained some basic knowledge, as shown in the
horseback-riding episode, but it's a bit different.
The powers will be played down though, way down from the TV series.
Because if the run out of control they will overshadow the ribbon as you
mentioned.
Well, with Madoka as the lead character, the number of uses of
the Esper power should automatically be cut down, because you
won't be focusing on the Espers. What you're planning should be
interesting, though.
Anyway thanks for the comments, I do appreciate them all as they've givenm
me a few things to think about and ponder. ^^
I look forward to seeing more...
Scott Schimmel Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;
Ex luce ad tenebras
"You really aren't normal, are you?" - Miki Koishikawa