Hi,
My comments ##
1)EVERYTHING is MY opinion ONLY.
Which is worth something ONLY if you think it is.
take what you find useful and ignore the rest. ^_~
2)It is difficult if not impossible to judge an
outline.
the real test is in the writing. How well the
characters
and dialogue are handled.
3)I have some very definite likes and dislikes.
I like ALL the Ranma characters.
I DISLIKE cliches and over-used plot devices.
I DISlike lazy writing, and I LOVE plot twists
(if handled properly)
These and other likes/dislikes colour my C&C.
This should NOT be taken as a reflection
of the real merits of the story or the authors
ability.
--- KingofDucks@cs.com wrote:
Alright folks, I hate to bother you with something
that is not a fic, not
spam, not C&C, etc. This is a simple outline for a
fanfic I'd like to do and
before attempting it, I'd like your input onto what
could be improved,
scrapped, etc. Well.... away we go...
##It's hard to C&C an outline.
There are hundreds if not thousands
of different ways to produce a story from
something like this. But I'll give you
MY opinion.
-Ten years ago, a murder was committed on a lost
island (see title in line)
-The murdered victim was the king whom had ruled for
over four thousand years.
-The inhabitants are faced with great difficulties
as a new king must be
found.
-A young boy from the West is chosen.
##Well, nothing new here. Neither good nor bad.
it all depends on HOW you deal with the details.
HOWEVER, you _might_ use Tibetan (among others)
culture. They look for the re-incarnation of the dead
ruler. you'd have to change the time line slightly.
Have
the Island King murdered ten to fifteen years earlier.
-Three years later Ranma and Genma (during the
mysterious training trip) wash
up on the island.
-Genma trains Ranma in some areas on the island and
incorporates some of the
local style.
-Because of shadowy doings Genma and Ranma are
forced to leave the island and
part of Ranma's memory of the island is destroyed.
-Before they leave, the young king implants a
message directly into Ranma's
subconcious.
-This message is you will return.
##Hmmm, OK I guess I missed something. I was thinking
RANMA was the chosen one. ^_^
Well, this seems a LOT like Star Trek, Wrath Of Khan.
^_^
Nothing wrong with it so far. Again, it depends on how
well
you work it.
Personally I would have chosen someone _other_ than
Ranma but
that's personal. ^_^ (Ranma is just too predictable )
-They events as we know them take place in Ranma's
life and the adventure is
almost completely forgotten by Ranma, almost. It
seems his father is
forbidding Ranma from using some moves. These
techniques are "simple" combat
manuevers that are found on the island. Genma has
his reasons and refuses to
share them. Ranma practices them only when he can.
Ranma continues in this
because he feels they are sound manuevers. The rest
of the storyline is
unchanged.
##So far so good. "Secret" techniques and mysterious
islands
are standard Ranma.
Time now: Somewhere after the two movies (Big
Trouble in Nekonron and Nihao
My Concubine) and before any of the later events
(Saffron, Herb, Taro, etc.)
-Ranma begins to have mysterious dreams where two
"piercing green" eyes stare
at him and the words "you will return" batter his
mind.
-Ranma also begins to practice the manuevers more
often and has started
figuring out more of them going along with that
style. Genma knows nothing.
-One day a mysterious boy (I know overused plot
device, but hey, it works.)
##If YOU the author thinks it's an "overused plot
device"
(and it is) do NOT use it.
Actually you can use it if you wish. Just be very,
very
careful that it doesn't READ like an overused plot
device.
appears at the dojo. He appears and looks for
anyone who practices the
martial arts. Akane, Ranma, Genma, Soun, and
Happosai (who is currently
there) all say they practice the art. The boy
smiles and challenges them
all, one on one to a battle. He throws a meaningful
at Genma through his
"piercing green" eyes.
##Don't overuse the "piercing green eyes" bit
Genma starts to back out,
but He is up first. As per
the rules,
##What rules???
There is a fair amount of flexibility
for challenge fight rules. However normally
the senior student fights first and then the master.
(who doesn't waste her/his time with just any one)
Another possibility is for the challenger to work
her/his way
UP from junior to senior student to master.
It is NOT likely that the challenger is going to be
allowed to
fight in secret. (part of the reason is to let the
master get an idea
of how the challenger fights) there is NO reason to
let the challenger
have such an advantage. If you MUST have this as part
of the plot
IMO you're going to have to come up with a darn good
reason.
no one is allowed in the training hall
except the boy who has not
identified himself and his opponent.
-A side note, while this boy (who in case you
haven't figured it out, is the
king of the island) is a superb warrior, he is no
superhero. He is on par
with Ranma, but isn't so powerful that a mere glare
with blast Ranma into
stardust.
##Good.
-Genma is defeated more by his fear of the past
(which will not be revealed
yet) than by his opponent. (In other words this is
more of a pyschological
battle than anything else.)
-Akane who is second, is just trounced. She is not
on par with Ranma or any
of the other super-martial artists in Nerima so she
cannot put up decent
fight, especially against a style so alien.
##<sigh> fanfic cliche.
I'm afraid I would stop reading at this point.
Ranma is NOT the best martial artist and Akane is
NOT the worst. (Happy and Taro are probably the best
if you don't count Saffron. HOWEVEVER I do NOT want to
start a character debate.) If you read the Manga and
watch the Anime Akane seems to be on a par with
Ranma in most episodes. Yes she is kidnaped. So is
Ranma.
Ranma rescues Akane. Akane comes to Ranma's rescue
also.
(Look at the fight scenes in One Flew Over the Kuno's
Nest
or the much better one with the Orochi (eight headed
dragon))
It's one of my pet peeves, but IMO writing Akane as
a poor martial artist (or the others as super-marital
artists)
is a sign of lazy writing and is TOO predictable.
Worst of all it really doesn't advance the story.
There is no real need to have Akane or Genma or Soun
fight. Happy is the master. You could consider Ranma
to be his senior student so you only need those two.
Any more slows the pace of the story.
-Soun is next, and is the challenge Genma should
have been. (In other words,
no breezing through this as he did with Akane.)
-Happosai follows and has (in his travels) witnessed
his opponent's style. A
long fight ensues with no one clearly above anyone
else until Happosai slips
when the boy retreats. The kid uses this slip to
work into Happosai and keep
going.
##Good. IF you can write a good fight scene. Actually
if
you can write SEVERAL good fight scenes w/o being
repetitive. Again I think you're better off with ONLY
Ranma and Happy fighting and in that order. Actually I
think this entire scene could be cut. (more on that at
the end)
VERY hard to do that many fight scenes in a row. Good
Luck.
-Ranma is last and they are even.
##??? Happy is better. Especially with the time frame
you're using.
IMO better to put Happy as the last fighter.
Especially
since he IS the master of the school and Ranma is only
a student.
The fight sequence SHOULD be Ranma/Akane First/Second
(or the
other way around. It IS the Tendou Doujou after all)
THEN Soun/Genma Third/Fourth and Happy as the master
of the school last.
If you must have this fight IMO keep it to just Ranma
and Happy. The rest really isn't needed for the story.
Ranma should win,
##Why??? Ranma gets beaten all the time. Actually
according
to some people on the net Ryouga has won more fights
than
Ranma. (I haven't counted but it seems possible)
except he is complete
stymied by the other guy's words.
##What words? Hard to judge this w/o knowing what he
says.
These words throw
him off balance long
enough for a solid hit, and then a fully sunk in
choke. (For those of you
who don't know anything about Ju-jitsu or anyother
grappling, a fully and
well done move is almost impossible to escape.
##Ummmm, perhaps. OTOH all the teachers I've talked to
and books I've read say that a "boxing" or striking
style will beat a grappling style. (Aikido excepted)
IMO this scene is VERY cliched sounding. Not just for
fanfics
either. It COULD work but it needs to be handled
carefully.
The
better your opponent is,
the harder it is for you to escape. Trust me on
that.)
##Actually it doesn't matter if it's true or not. It
ONLY matters how well you WRITE it. (Look at how well
ERB did with Tarzan etc. Good story telling, poor
research at times)
-The boy then leaves and Ranma is obsessed with
finding and defeating him,
but also what he meant with his words.
##Of course it would be easier to comment if I knew
WHAT words. ^)O
Genma
doesn't want Ranma to go and is
forced to follow.
-They track the king to a ship that has left the
harbor but find another one
headed to the same destination of the other ship.
<Eeeeeeeep>. You need to watch
the coincidences. They happen.
I've used them myself. IMO you need to
develop this very carefully to make it
work. Perhaps something earlier to indicate
trade with the island for spices or something
to explain ships in the harbor headed for the island.
-The ship they are on is actually a ship from their
island and they are
forced to ashore on the island.
##OK, if the whole thing has been a set-up to get
Ranma to the island. Just be careful to develop
the thing believably.
-When they arrive on the island they are again
confronted by the king and
they learn of his mysterious identity, the history
of the island, why they
are involved, and the current state of affairs.
##Be careful that this explanation
doesn't slow the pace of the story too much.
-The current state of affairs is that the regent who
is ruling till the king
comes of age has upsurped power from the rightful
ruler.
-The king has brought in the greatest martial
artists in the world, which he
felt would help the cause.
##Nothing good or bad to say about this.
It's been done (Edger Rice Burroughs among
others) MANY times. A good solid plot device.
Whether it works depends entirely on how well you
write it.
Ryouga wanders into the
event.
##<sigh> IMO this is overused. Nothing against Ryouga
but it's been done. Try to think of something more
interesting than just "wandering" by.
-Ranma is dubious until he finds out the king has
complete control over the
island while he is in power. He can change and
weave the fabric of reality
on the island, including magicking a spring for a
little while...
##OK, but don't just "spring" this on the reader. ^_^
Build up the plot to explain the kings powers through
out
the story. IMO if you just suddenly drop all of this
on the
reader it sounds too contrived.
(see my suggestion for Ryouga and the "magic" at the
end)
-The warriors, (including Ryouga, who agreed for the
same reason Ranma and
Genma did),
##Ummmm what reason is that?
The magic spring? (A cure?) OK. But what other
warriors? Are they all cursed? or does the king
promise them something else?
Again it's VERY hard to tell. It's been done before.
Sometimes well, sometimes not. It depends entirely
upon
the skills of the writer.
head for the castle.
-After some battles, the king and the regent face
off.
-The regent falls but the real villian is revealed.
-The real villian cannot be harmed by anyone from
the island.
-While the current king isn't from the island, he is
now a part of it.
-Ranma faces off in single combat against the true
villian.
-Ranma wins.
-The king is restored to power and magics the
spring, but to prevent any
unnesscecary accidents, it is only good for three
uses.
-They head to the spring only to see a sloth fall
in. A man emerges.
-With only two uses left, they fight over who will
go in. As they fight a
lizard and bird enter the water. The emerge as men.
-They finally decide with Ranma and Ryouga going in,
but lo! The emerge as
they're cursed forms. It is then Genma notices the
three naked men beyond
the trees.
-They realize they're mistake and go to see the
king.
-The king sympasizes with them but will not change
the fabric of the land
anymore. They had their chance and greed prevented
them from taking it.
##<yawn> Sorry, I shouldn't be sarcastic. However
this has been done and over-done in fanfiction. Even
Takashahi got carried away. OTOH SHE was doing manga
and slapstick comedy. It's MUCH harder to carry the
same thing
off in straight prose. IMO this is VERY weak.
Try for something different, less predictable.
The
king hopes for them to learn from their lesson.
##They just risked their lives to save his kingdom
and he's acting like a prig? Frankly at this point
Ranma and Ryouga should punt the little pip-squeak
into
the stratosphere. He could have put a guard around the
spring for goodness sake. That's like haveing your
boss at work say YOU aren't going to get paid because
HE messed up the paper work. This COULD work but I
don't like it. (This is up to the author. I've done a
LOT of things that some readers LOVED and other's
HATED. ^_^ Shooting Akane in the head comes to mind.)
BTW, what about the mysterious words?
And why come back to the island? Did the king know
even then that he would need Ranma's help and
therefore
implant the suggestion?
He
doesn't however send them
home empty handed. He offers to teach them some of
the island's special
attacks. They each learn one and are then returned
to the main land.
-The fanfic ends with Ryouga getting lost as Ranma
and Genma begin to tell
their tale...
##:(
It's been done. IMO a very weak ending as outlined.
OTOH EVERYTHING has been done before. ^_^
I honestly can't tell much from this outline. It is
too general.
That's it. I am interested in your comments and any
ideas you think might
work. Thank you for your time.
##You don't need ideas. You just need to write the
story and
see what happens. At least a draft to give readers of
how
you handle dialogue, action scenes, etc.
I've mentioned a few of the more, IMO, egregious
fanfic cliches.
(Akane/Ranma fighting abilities, Ryouga wandering by,
etc)
HOWEVER _ALL_ of the things mentioned in your outline
COULD
work, if handled properly.
My suggestion it to WRITE at least a chapter and post
it
to the FFML for comments. Many of the ideas that I
now
think won't work may work BEAUTIFULLY once you get
them down on paper.
##NOW a few suggestions.
You need work on the WHY of the whole thing.
The "Ranma to the rescue" has been done before.
I feel that this is VERY hard to do because it's been
done so much.
Build up the island kingdom, it's history, customs,
etc.
WHY is the old King murdered? Why Ranma? What's the
connection?
It seems that the "young king" knew he'd need Ranma
later on
and planted the compulsion to return.
Fair enough. Build on that. Perhaps EVERYTHING that's
happened to Ranma
(and Ryouga, and Taro) are due to this "young king" He
(or his
minions) have manipulated events to force Ranma, etc
to become the
fighters the king needs. (You'll need to change the
time line a bit)
I'd get rid of the entire doujou fight with the
mysterious boy. It's not
needed and IMO slows the pace of the story.
Instead just use the "compulsion" to draw Ranma & co.
to the dock. Mysterious dreams force them to take ship
to the island.
For the ending. There are no magic springs. The king
was lying about his powers.
IMO this is a better fit. People in power lie all the
time to get what
they want and it fits the overall tone you've set up
with the compulsion
to return. That's a form of rape in and of itself so
what's a little
lying?
These are ONLY examples. There are MANY ways to write
a story
from the given outline.
Good luck. I hope this has helped a little.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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