C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
[...]
It takes place maybe a few weeks after all that marriage crap
after the end of the manga.
So noted.
Ranma laughed nervously, "What's goin' on, doc?"
punc: nervously. "What's
(Did he laugh the words, or laugh, then speak?)
cap: Doc
(It's being used as a proper noun, here.)
The opening sentence is what can grab or lose readers, especially
on a fickle medium like the FFML, when it's easy enough to delete
this and look at the next message.
And this opening... Well... It sounds like the beginning of a
Bugs Bunny cartoon. ^_^; Maybe you could try something different?
suggest: "There's nothin' wrong, is there, Doc?"
Tofu said nothing, merely continuing to study the clipboard.
Since you said this happens at the end of the Ranma manga, I have
to wonder where Tofu came from, since he's been MIA since the
Hiryu Shoten Ha storyline.
Ranma looked at the door, where behind Akane most likely stood,
awaiting the
doctor's permission to enter the room. "Ya told me you had somethin'
important to say."
Try using lines around 72 characters long, or you'll get line-wrapping
problems, like the ones above.
"Yes, I did." Tofu said abruptly, "Ranma I have both good new
and bad news
about your curse. The good news is the change is only external,
barring some
physiological changes. You have no female reproductive organs, meaning
you'll never
get pregnant."
No female reproductive organs? How did that happen? The Musk
ancestors used the springs to turn animals into human females
they could breed with, so they had all the reproductive organs.
If you're claiming that the curse can't give female equipment
(and the Musk checked to make sure that all the animals were
already female before dunking them), there's still the matter
of the Bust Battle storyline.
Namely, if girl-type Ranma didn't have the reproductive organs,
he wouldn't have been producing the hormones to make his breasts
grow.
Perhaps it would just be better to say that girl-type Ranma has
all the parts, but is sterile.
"Really?" Ranma grinned, "That's great doc!"
cap: Doc
punc: great, Doc!"
[...]
"The sperm count in the semen was zero percent. All it was, was
fluid. The
reproductive elements in your body have very nearly shut down."
The only reproductive element involved here are the testes.
After all, the prostate gland seems to be doing fine producing
semen...
[...]
"...sorry." Tofu turned his head away from his young charge. "I
suggest... that
you tell your family. Just because you can't... have... children,
there are plenty you could
adopt."
suggest: you could still adopt."
(It sounds like Tofu's suggesting that Ranma "Adopt 'Em All!")
[...]
"I know." The young martial artist interrupted, " 'Sorry'" He
walked out the
door.
Extra space before 'Sorry'.
"...and so that's it," Ranma slowly finished, looking about at
his friends.
suggest: "And so that's it,"
or: "...And so that's it,"
Those first few surprising moments was all it took for Silence to step
forward. He reigned
supreme for only a few minutes. What was even more surprising was the
lack of chaos
Since when is Silence a "he"? This passage confused me the first time
I read it, making me wonder what exactly Ranma was reigning supreme over.
that followed those few, precious minutes. His power was diminished by
the soft
sobbing of Shampoo, who held her head between palms, weeping with true
pain.
suggest: weeping with pain.
or: weeping with anguish.
(The "true" isn't necessary. I think people know that Shampoo loves
Ranma even without the laws. And those who don't won't change their
minds on your say so.)
Cologne was the first to speak, "I... I cannot allow my grand-
daughter to marry
you without the guarantee of strong heirs, Saotome. I am old, and
Shampoo is the heir to
my strength," She shook her head slowly, "We will depart soon for
China."
As they turned to leave, Mousse looked at Ranma, "S....Saotome,
I'm... well, you
know how I feel."
Mousse: Nya HA Ha ha! Now Shampoo is mine, you jerk!
Ryouga sat gazing at his napkin, slowly clenching it and
unclenching it, although
not with anger. When he spoke, raw pain sounded in voice, "Gods....
and I thought I was
cursed. To not... not be able to..." He closed his eyes, picturing
Akari's face. To not be
able to love her like a man... torture... pure torture.
If you're using the extra U's for "Ryouga" and "Ukyou," why didn't you
spell the doctor's name "Toufuu"?
Ranma produced a semen sample, even if it didn't have sperm, so it sounds
like Ranma would have no problem loving Akane "like a man." After all,
men who have vasectomies don't become eunuchs.
I can't tell if this is a mistake on the your part as the author, or
Ryoga doesn't know that not having sperm doesn't affect sexuality,
only fertility. Or does Ryoga have some weird definition where "love
like a man" means "impregnate"?
In either case, it could use some clarification.
He glanced up,
and around the table,
his gaze settling on Ukyou, who was nervously rubbing at spatula-
shuriken with her
thumb. Without a single word to Ranma, she suddenly rose to her feet
and left as well.
Hmm. Well, I'm happy this isn't a cliched I'll-Support-You-No-Matter-
What Ukyo, but I'll still a little surprised by her reaction. After
all, she didn't originally want to marry Ranma to have kids, right?
And I don't recall any of her little married life fantasies involving
children.
This deserves some more attention, so we can see what Ukyo was thinking.
[...]
"Where are the Tendos and your mom and dad?"
sp: Tendous
"I... I'm gonna tell them later."
Ryouga finally succeeded in tearing the napkin into composite
atoms, sighed,
word: it's constituent atoms
("Composite atoms" would be putting the atoms together.)
and grabbed a bandanna, "I see."
suggest: and pulled off a bandana to replace it.
"You're being awfully calm, Ryouga."
Why would Ryoga be excited?
[...]
"Uh... more than that, pal." Ryouga suddenly grinned, "We're
havin' a western
ceremony 'cause Akari likes the dressed..."
suggest: having
(Does Ryoga use rough language?)
sp: the dresses..."
(I assume that's what you meant.)
Ranma started, "You want me to be best man?"
gram: the best man
"Hell no," Ryouga grinned, "I want you to be maid of honour!"
Cute. :j
"WHY YOU! C'mere P-chan!"
"Who you callin' P-chan, fem-boy!"
suggest: calling
(Again, I don't think Ryoga talks this way.)
[...]
you're all wondering why I asked ya'll to come here..." He glanced
around the table,
finally settling on Akane, who sat next to him looking just as nervous
as he felt.
punc: to him, looking just
The "ya'll" made me wonder when Ranma became southern? ^_^;
[...]
"She... uh... might not want to marry me."
"That's a first," Nabiki snorted.
suggest: That'd be a first
[...]
"Hush, Nabiki," Kasumi admonished. "Ranma... what is bothering
you? We're
your family, we'll try to understand, alright?"
punc: family; we'll try
or: family. We'll
(You've got a run-on sentence.)
[...]
Silence gleefully snatched the scepter back and brandished it
like a instrument of
power. Suddenly, he tripped and the scepter flew and hit Ranma on his
head. Silence
pouted for a moment before readying himself once more to leap forth and
grab it.
If you like it, keep these "Silence" parts, but I can tell you that they
didn't do anything for this reader.
"You...."
"We can always adopt... and we'd have to anyway," tears began to
make their
way down her cheeks. "I can't have kids, either! I... my... they're
filled with scare tissue...
and..."
sp: scar tissue.
(Or is Akane's uterus lined with some sort of Lovecraftian flesh?)
"Woah!" Nabiki shouted, "You're telling me you're both
sterile... Ranma 'cause
of the curse, and Akane..."
suggest: "both sterile...? Wait, why are you sterile, Akane?"
(Seeing Nabiki give a little "recap" of why Ranma is sterile
is awfully weird.)
"I had an accident a few years ago... and all that's left of my
ovaries is scar tissue.
I... still have my..." she blushed, glancing at Ranma, "but its not
worth anything."
[blinks]
I can see Akane having an unusable uterus, but the ovaries have this
neat little redundancy feature: there's two of 'em. I can't conceive
of an accident that would destroy both of them.
Heck, I can't conceive of an accident that would render Akane
sterile, and that Kasumi or Soun would not have found out about.
And since Tofu would have had to tell Soun, if he asked, Akane
would never have been a candidate for marriage when Ranma first
arrived.
"So because of this, you're willing to marry Ranma so the two of
you can adopt,
right?" Nabiki nodded slightly, "That can be arranged! And this gives
you a great
opportunity for the future."
Genma and Soun glanced at one another, "So honour is restored..."
"And our
children still wed..." "Tendo..." "Saotome..." "IT'S PERFECT!!"
Eh?!? This hasn't gotten rid of the problem; they're only just
realizing that the problem is worse than they thought it was!
Why are they happy?
Nodoka nodded, "You dealt with this in the proper manner, Ranma.
Not hiding
it, but coming out with it directly. Now, no-one has been hurt."
Is that a slam against Akane? 'Cause it sure sounds like one!
"..."
"Ranma?" Akane softly put her hand on his, "Is everything all
right?"
"No." He replied firmly, "No, everything is _not_ all right!"
Everyone looked at him, shocked.
"_I_ haven't asked her to marry me!" He got down on his knee
before her.
"Tendo Akane, will you marry me even though we'll never have our own
children? I... I...
lu...luhhh....love you..."
punc: marry me, even though
Uh, this came a out of the blue... What has changed now that makes
Ranma want to marry Akane, when he wouldn't marry her right after
Jusendo and seeing her in the wedding dress?
Of course, you do have an answer -- the fact that Shampoo and Ukyo
bailed on him, but you make no reference to that at all in his
thoughts. He just suddenly says he want to marry her.
Nonetheless, I'm not sure Ranma would say anything. If he keeps
his mouth shut, he gets the engagement status quo, this time minus
Ukyo and Shampoo. He gets Akane, and doesn't have to admit he loves
her (something he's never been able to do before).
"I will!"
And a fated union was finally joined.
Tofu smiled pleasantly, pouring Nabiki another cup of tea as she
continued,
sp: Toufuu
"...genius, pure genius. I must congratulate you, Dr. Tofu on
succeeding where I had
failed."
suggest: "...Genius
"Thank you, Nabiki." Tofu nodded, "It was my best..."
sp: Toufuu
"You'll be pleased to know," she interrupted, "He's due the
fifth of March."
The first of Akane's babies.
Um... Shouldn't Tofu be telling Nabiki this? After all, he's
the doctor, right? ^_^
Ranma and Akane lived happily after that with their menagerie of
children.
Despite Tofu's 'prediction' (which was merely a ploy to get the two
together) they proved
The parenthetical information is unnecessary; we've figured it out.
to be _very_ fertile together, producing massive amounts of feisty
Saotome children in no
time.
What? I think there's a strong argument that Tendo children can
be feisty, too. ;)
Their marriage was blessed for the rest of their lives together,
and they were the
happy parents of seventeen children.
Who sued Tofu for medical malpractice.
Ryouga and Akari hit it off perfectly, but only had a single
child who they
named Kijin.
Is the "but" necessary?
suggest: perfectly, and had a single [boy/girl]
I really don't understand what this, and all the other children
counts are for. The story is over; everything afterwards has nothing
to do with the fertility of Akane or Ranma, or the plan to get them
married.
Don Granberry recently made a post asking if fix-everything stories
are intrinsically bad. For your story, I'd have to say the answer
is yes. The final paragraphs here are just tacked on, blunting the
effectiveness of an otherwise decent one-shot.
Delete everything after the "happy parents of seventeen children,"
and you'll have a much better fic.
Overall comments:
I think this fic shows promise, but there are a number of problems
that need fixing. I already mentioned deleting the end. I'd also
suggest picking some sort of title. Titles are what's used to get
the reader's attention, even before the first line. If you don't
have a title, it's all the more likely that your story will be put
into the rubbish bin.
Now, since Tofu was lying the whole time, I guess it doesn't
*really* matter that there were inconsistencies with what he was
saying. Nonetheless, the reader might think that you don't know
anything about the reproductive system, and stop reading the fic
before seeing the real explanation.
I think you should try your best to tighten up all the biological
"explanations."
Which brings me to Akane. What's the deal with her "accident"?
Obviously, she's not sterile, since she had kids. But this
happened YEARS ago? How long has Nabiki and Tofu's plan been
in action?
It would be better to leave out any mention of an accident. It
doesn't fit the plot's timeframe, and it doesn't explain how both
ovaries got destroyed. Just say that she recently had a visit with
Tofu, and he told her that her ovaries were bad.
Furthermore, don't have him give her an explanation. The reference
to Tofu with vague comments of sterility would also let the reader
have a chance to figure out before the end that Tofu's being
naughty.
Which brings me to the doctor. He suddenly reappears to violate a
lot of ethical standards by lying to his patients? Furthermore, he's
an accupucture/moxibustionist, not any sort of reproductive doctor.
Why not introduce a character for the part? Better yet, they
shouldn't really be a doctor at all, just a front man for Nabiki.
That way there's no ethical problems (except Fraud ^_^), and
you don't have to explain Tofu's strange behavior.
That's about it. Despite any comments that sounds harsh, I do think
you have the potential for something good, here. The core idea for
setting up Akane and Ranma is one of the better ones I've seen.
I just think you need to put some more work into it, chipping off
the extraneous bits, and filling in the whole, and you can have
something good.
Keep writing,
Doug