Jeremy Marshburn wrote:
Ok, this is my first attemt at fan fiction so please bear with me while
I try and improve my writing skill. Ranma � was created by Rumiko
Takahashi-sama and I have no intention of stealing any of her
characters. I just want to borrow them and put them into a story that I
hope you will enjoy. The characters I create are mine and I will do
with them as I please. Please privately send me any C&C to
jsmarshb@unity.ncsu.edu to help me make my first chapter a little
better.
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Chapter 1: A Wanderer in Nerima
It was a bright and warm spring day when the traveller walked into the
Nerima ward of Tokyo. He was a tall and strongly built man who appeared
to be from America. He had long, thick black hair pulled back into a
ponytail, broad shoulders and a muscular definition to his frame. The
local people instantly had him pegged as a martial artist for several
reasons. The first reason was the heavy pack strapped to his back and
the second was the bo staff that was held in a quiver between his back
and the back pack.
Overly wordy. You could convey the same information by saying "The locals
instantly pegged him as martial artist because of the bo staff between his
back and a huge backpack.
"This looks like a nice enough place to stay for a while. I could
definitely use a break from all this travelling though China and
Japan." He thought. "Who knows, I might find a martial artist around
"He thought" is not a separate sentence and thoughts shouldn't be put in
quotes like dialogue spoken aloud. You can use other indicators, but I think
the best way to do it to write it like:
This looked like a good place to stay for a while and he could definitely
use a break from travelling all around China and Japan.
here I might be able to train with or something."
What would the "or something" be?
Since this was Nerima and it has been a calm and peacefull day,
"peaceful" Tense confusion.
something had to give because such calm cannot last long here.
As the traveller passed what he thought to be the local high school he
But was of course the local brothel.
heard a commotion going on and what sounded like a fight. Curious, he
jumped over the wall and up a tree so he could get a clear view without
getting in the way.
"Curse you Saotome, release your hold on the pigtailed girl and Akane
Tendo or you will face the wrath of the Blue Thunder of Furinken High."
Yelled the one wielding a bokken.
"Yelled the one wielding a bokken" is not a separate sentence.
"And how do the True Blunder plan on doing that?" said the boy wearing
Chinese style cloths and sporting a pigtail. "You haven't been able to
touch me." The pigtailed boy was easily avoiding all of the kendoist
attacks while spitting out insults every few seconds. All this was being
done while the pigtailed one was slowly backing in a spiral formation.
"Listen Kuno, I've had a really great day today. I haven't fought
Akane at all and Shampoo hasn't shown up at all. Plus Kasumi is going
to make sukiyaki tonight and here you come and ruined my perfect day.
Well take this.......HIRYUU SHOTEN HA!!!!!"
Why is Ranma using a devastating move like that on an opponent who isn't giving
him any trouble?
This last part was said when he reached the center of the spiral walk.
After this, the traveler watched with awe as a huge tornado appeared
where the kendoist was standing and sent him flying into lower earth
orbit. Impressed, the traveler jumped down from his perch and
approached the young martial artist who was standing with his fist in
the air with his head looking at the ground.
"Hello there." said the traveler. The martial artist was still
weakened by his technique was startled and instinctively jumped into a
defensive posture.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." said the traveler. "My
name is Jeremy Marshburn and I was watching your fight with the kendoist
and I couldn't help but to be impressed with the technique you used to
defeat him. May I ask what your name is?"
Ranma: Geez, what a wussy name.
The martial artist, who was none other than Ranma Saotome relaxed his
stance but still looked over the newcomer with a wary eye to see if he
could judge and skills he might have but to no avail. "Don't worry
about it. I thought you might have been someone else looking for a
fight. I'm Ranma Saotome. I've seem to be a martial artist, what
brings you here to Nerima? Are you here to settle some score or grudge
delete "or grudge"
with anyone?" he asked nervously.
"No, not at all. I'm just a traveling martial artist passing through
hoping to find new places or new people to train with. I will probably
The nice things about guys who are looking to settle a score is that
they have a plot. These gaijin who wander in just looking to learn martial
arts are boring.
stay here for a little while and move on since there won't be anything
to hold me here in all likelyhood."
"Well, if you're interested in a training partner, you can spar with
me. I could always use someone to spar with who isn't Pop or out to get
me for some reason or another." Ranma said. "I'm all about sparring
purely for the sake of training and improving my skills."
Ranma: ...and humiliating people. I'm real big into humiliating people.
Jeremy thought this through for a moment as he walked alongside Ranma,
who was on the fence as usual. Ranma had shown considerable skill in
the fight earlier and would make a good sparring partner. Ramna even
seemed to be a nice enough guy so he accepted Ranma's kind offer.
"I don't have a place to stay yet and I don't want to impose at your
place.
Why does he assume that he could stay at their place?
But I would like to some matches with you and get some good
training in."
"I'm sure you would be able to stay at the place I'm staying at. Mr.
<growl> No. He can't. He's a total stranger (and a foreigner).
Why would the Tendos invite him into their home? What gives Ranma
the idea that he has the right to invite this foreigner?
Tendo is a good man and he has taken in guests to stay before so I don't
see any problems if you stayed with us. It may be until you get settled
into Nerima or for however long."
As they were walking, a certain old lady who shall remain namless
How did she lose her nam?
splashed Jeremy as he walked by. "I knew this would happen eventually.
I swear I could get wet in the middle of a desert." Jeremy muttered to
himself along with several expletives that shall remain unwritten. He
then heard Ranma chuckling and turned to glare at him right as he said,
"I take it you've been to Jusenkyo. I also see you fell into the
Naniichuan." Ranma was still chuckling at the buxom young girl with
black hair pulled back into a ponytail and the green eyes. Jeremy-chan
who was mad a moment ago was now completely shocked and looked at Ranma
aghast. "Don't tell me you've been to that training ground of horrors
too?" Jeremy exclaimed.
"Oh. How unexpected," the commentator said flatly, showing no sign of
surprise.
"Yeah." said Ranma. "I even have the same curse you do. You don't
look that much differantly than I do except for the black hair. My
"different"
cursed form has red hair."
"You know." said Jeremy. "In a twisted sort of way, I'm actually
quite releaved that you are cursed as well. That way I don't have to go
"relieved"
on a drawn out story about a place that can ruin one's life just by
Why does it ruin Jeremy's life?
washing one's own face in a pool to get rid of some mud and dirt that
had accumulated."
As opposed to someone else's face? You should delete everything after
"pool"
Ranma, who was quietly chuckling still, fell over lauging as hard as he
"laughing"
could right into the canal that was on the other side of the fence.
Even as a girl he was laughing for a few minutes. Jeremy looked quite
perturbed as he was watching Ranma-chan getting control of herself.
"I'm sorry Jeremy. I didn't mean to laugh at you like that but the
thought of the Jusenkyo guide watching you do this was just too good. I
would have liked to have seen his face as he watched you 'intentionally'
curse yourself by washing your face in the pool."
"Oh." said Jeremy, who wasn't quite so angry anymore. "Now that you
think about it his eyes were bigger than saucer plates when I asked him
what was wrong. It was then that I knew something was wrong because I
voice sounded funny and my balance was off. I then looked at myself and
passed out. After I came too, the guide then told me how he had never
seen anyone take a bath with spring water before and then told me how to
'fix' my little problem. And then the rest is history."
"I can understand how you feel. Again I am sorry about my laughing at
you earlier. Ah, here we are. The Tendo Dojo." The last part was said
as they reached a fairly large estate with the words "Tendo Dojo School
of Anything Goes Martial Arts" written on a board next to the door.
Jeremy was impressed. He had been to Tokyo several times before but
had never seen such a spacious area and had not thought one possible in
such a crowded city.
Well, you know they are in the suburbs.
"I'm home." Ranma yelled as he walked in. "I have also brought a guest
who might be staying for a while."
Akane was walking down the stairs as he was saying this and took a
quick glance at their guest, who happened to still be in girl form. It
took no time at all for Akane to grab her ever ready dimensional mallet
from where ever it was she kept it and prepared to pound Ranma to a
pulp.
Ranma-chan immediately started backing up as she tried to explain the
situation but it fell on deaf ears as Akane started glowing a bright
blue and sent Ranma through the floorboards with the shout of "Ranma you
womanizing jerk!" She then started glaring at Jeremy-chan started to
sweat and spoke quickly and nervously to try and explain the situation
before the same fate awaited her.
"Uhhhh.....excuse me. I don't know what is going on here but if you
would kindly calm down some I can tell you that all isn't what it looks
like. If you could bring me some hot water we can explain everything."
Akane calmed down enough for her higher brain function to kick in and
for Jeremy's words to register. She let go of her mallet where it when
back to where ever it came from and walk to the kitchen to get Kasumi's
ever ready kettle of hot water. While Akane was getting the water,
Jeremy-chan was helping a now barely conscious Ranma-chan who was
muttering something about uncute sexless tomboys.
Akane returned to the living room and handed over the kettle. She knew
that Ranma was going to use the kettle but was surprised when
Jeremy-chan took it afterwards and changed back into the handsome young
man that now sat before her. While she was sorry for malleting Ranma she
didn't want to admit that to him.
Why should she be sorry about malleting Ranma? He acted like he owned the
house.
Therefore she apologized to Jeremy
instead.
"Please forgive me for my actions earlier. I should have been a more
prober host to you when you arrived but Ranma here has some problems
"proper"
having girls come over here and I just mistook you for another one of
them."
Jeremy was not at all sure what was going on but decided it wasn't
worth going over right then. He graciously accepted the apology with a
short bow. "Don't worry about it. It was a mistake that could have
been made by anyone I'm sure. By the way, I haven't properly introduced
myself. My name is Jeremy Marshburn and I happen to be a wandering
martial artist who happens to be passing through. After I had met Ranma
here we talked for a little while and he offered to train with me and he
then brought me here."
Akane returned the bow. "I'm Akane Tendo. It's nice to meet you too
however I wish it was under better circumstances. You are welcome to
stay here if you wish. I am sure my dad and sisters wouldn't mind some
extra company." She then turned to Ranma. "Kasumi is out shopping,
Nabiki is out with her....associates, and our parents are getting more
supplies for the dojo and house. It'll be just us three for a few hours
while they're away. Why don't you take Jeremy to the guest room and
show him to the dojo."
Ranma nodded his assent and took Jeremy to the guest room upstairs.
"This is the way to the spare room for guests." Jeremy was led to a
room right next to Kasumi's and across the hall from Nabiki's room. "I
guess this will be the room that you'll be staying for the time being.
You can put your things in the closet and in the dresser over there."
Ranma watched as Jeremy unpacked his back back and was quite amazed in
how much he had stashed away in there. "That pack has to be as heavy as
Ryoga's" Ranma thought as he went to the hallway closed and grabbed the
spare futon and pillow.
After Jeremy unpacked and changed into a dark blue tunic with matching
pants tied up at calf with leather bands he closed the door to his room
and was then led to where the bathroom and then where the dojo was.
"I see you have changed cloths while you were unpacking what was wrong
"clothes"
with what you had on before?" Ranma inquired as they walked into the
dojo.
"Oh, you mean these. What I had on before were my traveling cloths.
"clothes"
They were dirty and uncomfortable around the house. I change into these
when I stay in a hotel or someone's house. I also train in these
because they have more freedom of movement."
And I prefer to walk around the country in uncomfortable constrictive
clothing.
"I understand. I know what it's like to have to change into some
cloths better suited to working out or staying in the house." Ranma
That was a very boring conversation. Fortunately they stopped before
comparing laundry soap preferences.
said. "Did you want to settle down first or would you like to have a
quick match now?"
"I wouldn't mind sparring you right now. Just let me loosen up first."
Jeremy then started warming up with a fairly simple kata but moved with
such grace and power that it was obvious that Jeremy held considerable
skill. Ranma's warm up kata was also simple but his had much more fluid
movement as if he was made of water.
"Are you into full contact sparring or do you prefer light taps?"
Ranma asked. Jeremy shrugged his shoulders, "I prefer full contact to
keep my conditioning up but I have done both kinds before."
A new speaker calls for a new paragraph.
"Full contact it is then."
Comma after "is"
Both moved to the middle of the dojo and faced each other. Unseen by
either of the two, Akane slipped in and moved to a corner to watch.
Both combatants slid into their respective stances and waited for the
unspoken "Begin." Suddenly, as if by buzzer, the two started in their
attack at once. At first neither one could get a blow in. Jeremy
utilized a defensive style that was nearly as impregnable as a brick
wall and normal attacks were easily dodged or blocked. Jeremy couldn't
get a hit in either because Ranma never left openings that Jeremy could
easily get to with his style. After a few moments Ranma disengaged the
attack to think his situation through.
'Jeremy has a very strong defensive style that is hard to get through
because it seems to adapt to what his opponent is doing. That means
normal attacks are nearly useless but then I have more than normal
moves. However he hasn't been able to counter anything because he can't
get through my defenses without opening himself up first. He also shows
considerable speed despite his strength and bulk but it's doubtfull he
"doubtful"
can match my speed.'
"Try to guard this....Kachuu Tenshin Amiguriken" Ranma's arms then
went into a blur as he sent hundreds of punches Jeremy's way that were
hard for him to match. Jeremy managed to hold his own for the first few
seconds but quickly lost his speed and was hit in the stomach and chest
area. This briefly brought Jeremy to his knees but that didn't last
long. He stood up with a smile on his face. "That was quite
impressive. I wasn't able to keep up with such speed. Your point."
Jeremy then jumped towards Ranma and threw several punches at him but
they were all blocked yet they still hit him even though his hands
didn't come close. This time Ranma had to step back and regroup. He
was about to reinstate his attack when he was stopped by Jeremy.
"I think that is enough for today. I believe that we have shown each
other a little of what the other can do and it is a good time to call it
a day before we hurt each other with out special moves. I was quite
"our"
impressed with this match and I look forward to actually training with
you." Ranma nodded his agreement and then noticed Akane for the first
time. "Yo, Akane. What do you think about the match?"
Akane was quite impressed with the skill Jeremy showed and was hoping
that he might be a humbling factor for Ranma for she thought he sure
Eh.
needed it. "I enjoyed the show. I knew you had a lot of skill but I
was impressed in how much he showed. He might actually be a match for
you in a straight up fight."
"Well, I hope it doesn't have to come to that." Ranma answered
truthfully and the three of them walked out the dojo.
"Since Kasumi and the others should be coming home soon I think you too
need to take a bath and freshen up for supper tonight. You too
certianly need it after that excersize." Akane said as she saw how much
the two were sweating after their workout.
"Sounds good to me." said Ranma as he and Jeremy headed for the
bathroom.
While soaking in the hot water in the tub they relaxed and complimented
each others style. "You know Ranma, I don't think I've ever faced
Why is Jeremy comfortable bathing in company?
anyone with you're speed before. What was that attack you called out?"
"your"
"That was the Kachuu Tenshin Amiguriken. The basis of the attack is to
build enough speed to pull chestnuts out of an open fire without buring
your hands. It's a special technique that the Amazons of China
developed and was taught to me."
"I understand the part about the technique but I don't have a clue
about the part about the Amazons. I had thought they were a part of
Greek mythology."
"They were but these Amazons are real and they are just as fierce as
their Greek counterparts." Ranma answered. "Tell me a little about
How the heck would Ranma know anything about Greek mythology?
what you did when you hit me. I know for a fact I blocked every one of
your punches but you still managed to hit me. What's the deal with
that?"
"Well, that technique is called the Force Punch. It is based on
projecting yourself through a barrier, such as a blocked punch, and
still hitting your target. While it is effective you can't put anymore
into the force than you could in a normal punch. It is also the first
step in utilizing a much more powerful technique, the Shockwave. I've
come fairly close and I can feel myself getting it, I haven't quite
mastered the Shockwave yet. Right now it's a useless attack but I've
seen it work with my old master who started teaching it to me so I know
I can do it."
"Is that attack a ki attack or something?"
"Sort of. It's more a ki based attack than a ki attack. It teaches
you to focus yourself which is an integral part of using your ki. Well,
I believe we've used up the bathroom enough. I'm heading out to get
ready to meet the rest of my hosts."
With that Jeremy got out of the tub and dried himself off. He then
headed to his room to change but heard an "Oh my" behind him right as he
was about to open his door. Turning around he saw a girl of about 19 or
20 years old blushing slightly as she was watching him head to the spare
room with no more than a towel around his waist. Jeremy then turned a
deep red as he realized what situation he was in and tried to think of
what to say.
Jeremy: Hello. Are you a nudist too?
Right as he was about to say something when Ranma came out
of the bathroom and noticed what was going on. "Hello Kasumi, I see you
have met our guest. Meet Jeremy Marshburn. Jeremy say hello to Kasumi
Tendo, Akane's oldest sister."
Well, he's a pretty dull guy, so he'd be perfect for Kasumi...except for that
being a foreigner thing.
Jeremy got over his embarrassment quickly enough to say a greeting
while Kasumi did the same. Realizing that it wasn't a good idea to stay
out in the hall like he was, Jeremy excused himself and went into his
room to put some cloths on. Kasumi then gave a questioning glance
towards Ranma who said things would be straightened out at dinner. With
that Kasumi shrugged her shoulders and went about what she was going to
do before.
At dinner time Ranma had explained the situation with everyone and then
asked Mr. Tendo if it was ok for Jeremy to stay. Soun Tendo was
actually a little surprised at how polite Ranma was acting but didn't
But then he stopped and realised that it is the height of rudeness for a
guest in someone's home to ask another guest in, and thought no more of it.
think much about it. He thought it over for a while. He already had to
support his daughters and the Saotomes but he had brought in people into
his household before under similar circumstances so he nodded an
affirmative. Ranma, Jeremy, and Akane had a sigh of relief and began
eating with the rest of the family. It didn't take long for Akane and
Ranma to get into an argument but it didn't escalate into world war
three, it just stayed as a minor skirmish involving the words uncute,
tomboy, jerk, and pervert. Jeremy decided it was best to ignore the
argument since everyone else was and struck up a conversation about
martial arts with Soun and Genma. He mostly talked to the former since
the latter was usually stuffing his face during the meal and not
interested in a conversation.
Jeremy and Soun stayed at the table even after dinner and continued
with their conversation about each other's style. Jeremy was really
impressed with the Anything Goes fighting style. Jeremy knew some kenpo
for that was the basis for his hand to hand skills but he was primarily
a weapons fighter with his family's style of bo staff fighting and
kendo. It was later decided that Jeremy would become a student under
Soun and Genma and learn Anything Goes. Jeremy would also adapt some of
his own techniqes into Anything Goes for mutual improvement.
End Chapter 1
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I know I'm not being very imaginative when it comes to the name of the
traveler. I named him after myself because I've always wanted to be a
part of the Ranma � world so I wrote myself into the story. I haven't
decided yet if the story will revolve around him or Ranma but I'll know
as I write the story. I know you're asking why Ranma invited Jeremy
into the Tendo household like he did. Well the plain and simple truth
is....he's lonely and he's tired of having to fight off every male
martial artist in Nerima and ward off every female martial artist. All
he wants is a sparring partner his own age that he can try and get along
with and Jeremy seems to be the type of person who's easy to get along
with. With that I'll be heading off to start in on Chapter 2.
Final thoughts: Get a plot. Any plot. You can't hold up the series using
characterisation because "Jeremy Marshburn" isn't an interesting character
as you've written him. He's just a guy with your name, and no personality.
Even the girl-curse is generic. Curses should be tailor-made for each
victim, not purchased off the rack.
It is possible to write a good self-insert, but only if you are really willing
to put part of yourself into it. Are you really so bland and emotionless as
this Jeremy Marshburn? If anything, you should be exaggerating quirks and
character flaws, not smoothing them over. Ranma 1/2 characters are larger than
life in their abilities and in their flaws. They are not mundane. They do not
have conversations in which they explain that they are more comfortable changing
out of their travelling clothes. If they are mundane, they are insanely mundane,
like Kasumi.