Good Morning!
It took me a while, but I got around to your email...
First of all, you need a title.
If any characters are OOC just blame my poor writing skills
C & C welcome (if you really want to [personally I wouldn't even read this
if I wasn't the one writing it])
Why? BTW, I _like_ self-inserts. Also, I'll be reading this thing though with a
semi-fine toothed comb.
Read Bubblegum Zone, Twisted Path, and Legion's Quest :)
Jusenkyou, China Josh is at one end of the valley. He appears a few years
younger than in the previous scene. He is dressed in hiking boots, dark
green cortex pants, a tee shirt of the came color, and a dark blue
windbreaker. A tan external frame pack is at his side. He scanning the
surrounding area with a pair of binoculars. He then catches the guide lead
Ranma and Genma into the other end of the valley. He then puts them down
letting them hang around his neck, he then hoisted the pack on and walked
toward the others.
'Jusenkyou, China:' Or something like that.
'tan, external-frame backpack... '
BTW, what is cortex? Is that kinda like the warm-up pants basket-ball players
wear?
He then catches the guide lead
Ranma and Genma into the other end of the valley. He then puts them down
letting them hang around his neck, he then hoisted the pack on and walked
toward the others.
How 'bout: 'He pans the valley below him, focusing on the springs and the
bamboo poles. With great interest and zeal, he focused on three figures
emerging from the morning mist on the other side of the valley. With a slight
smile, the binocs are put away in the backpack which is then hoisted onto his
back. A slight look of determination crosses the face of the young man as he
desends the cliffs into the forbidding valley below.'
In other words? Description. But not to much of it, of course.
JOSH[in narrator voice]: Here is the deal, I'm half here half at the
computer, because I'm writing this I'm in control in everything that
happens. You know standard SI god stuff. Like how I'll be able to understand
them, and the age regression.
'Here's the deal.' English does weird stuff.
'I'm half here and half at the ...'
'because I'm writing this, I'm in control of everything ...'
'You know, the standard SI god (or goddess) stuff. For instance, I'll be able
to understand both Chinese and Japanese. And the age regression? I, umm, don't
know...'
As you can see, I'm simply adding in words that would make the wording flow
better. In fact, try reading this out loud. It helps greatly.
At the other end of the valley . . .
RANMA: Hey Pop Someone's at the other end of the valley.
'RANMA: Hey Pop! Someone's comin' towards us.'
GENMA[turns and looks at the approaching Josh]: He doesn't appear to be a
threat.
This doesn't seem like Genma, of course, I could be wrong...
He appears to me as a macho-ego martial artist.
GUIDE: He is probably another traveler in search of Jusenkyou. I should
warn him. Sirs best for you if you stay here.
'GUIDE: He is probably another vic... err... traveller in search of the
legendary training ...'
'Sirs, best for you...'
GENMA: Come on boy lets start.
'boy, lets'
The battle began, both martial artists doing aril combat on the bamboo poles
The guide reached Josh just at the edge of the pools.
begins.
aril? Perhaps ... err... ARG! I forgot how to spell arieal! Maybe spellchecker
will get it...
poles.
'The guide reached Josh just as he arrived at the edge of the pools.'
GUIDE: Very bad sir if you fall in should leave this place.
JOSH: Where am I? <Why didn't I plan this. It doesn't matter that I winging
it might as well pull a Hibiki>
'Very bad sir if you fall in. You should leave ...'
<could he be drawn here through the caves>
Is this an author note? (I do that as well. Just make sure you use differant
tags to show thought and author tags, maybe **blah** so you can do a
search/kill later.)
JOSH: Which was to the nearest town?
Which way?
Josh starts walking towards the springs.
GUIDE: I advise that you go around by using the cliffs.
advise? The guide doesn't know good Japanese and probablily English. Try: 'It
safer to take the cliff, sir.'
JOSH: Those cliffs don't look that safe, I'm already down here, and I think
I can avoid some water.
safe. I'm already
Josh took of his pack carrying if from the top bar. <Don't want to fall in
less top heavy that way.> He walked past the Guide between the first set of
pools.
if >> it from the top bar.
'<Don't want to fall in because I'm top-heavy.>
'He walked past the Guide and between the first set of springs.'
Josh weaved around the pools careful not to get wet, as the two Saotomes
fought overhead. There was a splash as Genma fell into a pool, and a panda
emerged.
Genma was knocked into a pool and a panda emerged, enraged. BTW, Ranma's
knocked in right after that.
JOSH:<Okay start timing now. Ranma will soon fall a few pools over. I'll
stay off to the side. Then when they ask who I am I'll give them the cover
story.>
'fall into a the pools a couple over.'
'to the other side'
'Then, when they ask who I am, I'll give them the cover story.'
Unfortunately Josh miscalculated where the spring-of-drowned-girl was
unfortunately it was right next t him. <Hey, why the hell did I write that
ok I can still change it> Ranma surprised by the panda that replaced his
father, was knocked off his pole and into the pool that Josh was standing
next too. <Oh god why won't this work.> Josh's though was cu short as Ranma
collided with the water. The splash hit Josh knocking him into the pool
behind him.
'Unfortunately, Josh miscalculated where the spring-of-drowned-girl was. It was
right next to him.'
'that? Okay, I can still change it... >'
'Ranma, surprised by the panda that replaced his father, was knocked off of his
pole and into the pool that Josh was standing next to.' (Check the Two, to, too
rule. I might have it wrong.)
'<Oh god, why won't this work?!?! Power butt...>'
'Josh's thoughts were cut short as a human named Ranma collided with the water,
causing a minor tidal wave to knock Josh off balance and into the pool behind
him.'
Okay, Prolog is done. As you can see, there is alot of work to polish this
piece up.
Some hints:
Read it out loud.
Print it and read it with a red pen, make lots of marks on the paper.
Repeat til it flows.
So far it looks good, just a few questions as well. Do you have the end goal (a
general plot.) in mind? What are Josh's limits/abilities? If you define this
first it helps as well.
I shall be following up with chapter one, however if I don't get the assignment
for Psy 101 done tonight, I won't be able to turn it in.
A word about this:
Wow someone actually read it all the way to the end, yet the saddest part is
that I might write more of this.
'Wow! Someone'
Okay, if you don't follow through with the 2nd part, I'll sic the menicing,
rabid rabbit on you. (Grr, a menicing rabid rabbit appears here.)
All of my advise/C&C/rambling should be taken with a grain of NaCl, 18 molar
that is. :)
--Andrew Carr
"We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning many, and tics - blood sucking creatures."
-- Colin MacKenzie