Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com wrote:
All right. I have a special request for any of
you who read this fic. If you are reading it then please
send me c&c on it. Because right now I'm honestly only
aware of six people who read this fic. If I'm going to
spend my free time writing this dinky thing it would be
nice knowing that someone enjoys it.
So, for the love of whoever, if you want me to
keep up with this fic just send me a comment already.
Now onto the fic. Sorry for whining.
It's us readers who should be sorry for the lurking :) I really look forward
to spending a few nice, comfy moments on the floor choking with laughter (I
really ought to vacuum my room more often) whenever I get around to plowing
through the accumulated megabytes of mail on this list, and BRBT is
definitely on the 'to be anticipated' list. Just what is the
writer/non-poster ratio around here, anyway? (questioning glance Admins
way).
Don't expect too much in the C&C-Department though, I usually read to enjoy
and not to tear things apart.
.
.
.
He was a botanist of sorts who loved to mill around in his
garden and come up with ways to improve the stock of their
vegetables and plants. Because of this, he was well respected in the
village despite his horrible lack of fighting skills. But then again, he
was a male. So why would they want him to be fighting anyway?
'to fight' instead of 'to be fighting' ?
"Dude, that's harsh. He's not that bad looking."
"I didn't know you swung that way, Koga."
Shouldn't that be 'swing' in direct speech?
"The question is this," Shiro murmured as he took a slow
step towards Grocery Bag who instinctively backed away from the
other boy. "Do you want your body bag to be paper or plastic?"
! ... note to self: nice chair for spending the long hours in front of the
monitor, but wayyyyy too easy to fall over.
Because for outsiders, and for males, they were more than
a bit scary. Even to a someone who was used to seeing the
extremely volatile tempers of Amazon females.
'a someone' ?
Which tells you just how bad the situation was.
---
Very nice writing. Kept simple, yet just right for picturing the situation.
Oh yes, maybe you ought to put up something like 'check seating, major
turbulences ahead'.
Happosai was busy concentrating.
Busy concentrating on the mass of naked females that were
displayed before him through the small peephole he'd made into the
women's side of the public bath, that is.
And as far as Happosai was concerned there really wasn't
anything else he'd rather concentrate on.
But just as Happosai was really getting into his
concentrating a low rumble filled the air and the ground began to
shake in a somewhat ominous manner.
?'getting into his concentration' ...
Maybe rather something about finding his center in a martial-arts-kind of
way? I can easily see Happi explain to an irate Ranma-chan about the mystic
meditative properties of something like that when caught, sort of like an
anything-goes variant of training at a raging seashore under a setting sun
:)
"Eh?" Happosai murmured as he reluctantly looked away
from the feast of female flesh before him.
That was when he was met with a sight that was almost as
appealing as the denizen of naked girls inside the bathhouse.
Major typo. Conjures all kinds of thoughts of the tentacled kind :)
And what Happosai saw was around a thousand silky
panties flying directly at him at top speeds.
Could his day possibly get any better?
"Sweet!" cried Happosai while he bounded towards the
panties which continued on their thunderous path as they flew
towards him.
For the men who were watching the scene take place on
the bustling Nerima street they didn't know what exactly to pay
attention to. The dirty old man bounding towards the flying panties,
the hoard of flying panties itself, or the women whose panties were
flying off.
A peephole into the women's section of a public bath on a bustling street? A
bit much even for Nerima ... the switch of location appears a mite too fast
...
Most of them divided their attention between all three.
Well, at least until the dirty old man got swept up inside the
hoard of flying panties which continued on its strange path of panty
stealing destruction throughout all of Nerima.
?'hoard/horde', maybe 'inside/into'
Because honestly, who wouldn't pay attention to that?
Nerima just _might_ be the wrong place to ask that particular question :)
Before Cologne could say anything more her she felt her
Slight typo.
dress fly up only to fall a second later, causing her to freeze. The
fact that her dress swept up wasn't what made her freeze rather it
was what was under the dress.
Or what WASN'T under the dress.
Ack ... I think I'll have to read up on the last few chapters or else I
_really_ don't appreciate your writing skills for conveying _that_
particular picture
And... well... lets not even go there. Lets just say that we
all know very well what wasn't under her dress.
And lets just say that Cologne wasn't in the least bit happy
that it wasn't under her dress anymore.
In fact, one could even say she was enraged that it wasn't
under her dress anymore. Because, above all, one should
This bit might benefit from a little rephrasing ... it feels slightly rough.
remember that Cologne is a woman.
A woman who didn't like having her panties stolen.
But then again, what woman likes that?
Maybe you _could_ consider it as a kind of roundabout compliment, them being
considered worth stealing, but then again this is Happosai we're talking
about so bring on the gratuitous violence :)
---
Ryoga was having a hard time walking.
The reason he was having a hard time walking was
because Nabiki had her arm hooked in his and was resting her
head just the tiniest bit on his strong shoulder.
All in all, this served to distract Ryoga mightily.
But not enough to keep him from noticing when a huge
hoard of panties went flying past him.
While the hoard of flying panties was a strange sight for
even Ryoga what he found most odd was the fact that the panties
were somehow shouting the word 'sweet' over and over in horribly
ecstatic tones.
'Horribly ecstatic tones' might be overdoing it
"Wow," said Ryoga in shocked tones. "What do you
suppose that was all about, Nabiki-chan?"
Confused more in character than shocked?
When he didn't receive an immediate reply, Ryoga turned
to regard his iinazuke who wore what could only be described as a
dark and murderous look on her lovely features. On seeing it,
Ryoga jumped backwards, fearing that Nabiki had decided to take
back her forgiveness for his actions with Kuonji.
"N-N-Nabiki-chan?" stammered Ryoga. "What is it? Is
anything wrong? Did I say something to upset you?"
Nabiki's only response was a twitch of her forehead before
she roared, "HENTAI!!!"
Now thoroughly scared out of his wits, Ryoga did the only
thing that he could do under his current set of circumstances.
He passed out from sheer fright.
That's pretty clueless even for Ryouga. Maybe Nabiki doing a
Monroe-Impression and Ryouga passing out from blood-loss and him assuming
the Hentai being directed his way more appropriate?
Leaving him unconscious as Nabiki chased after the hoard
of flying panties, thinking that they were her best lead for finding the
person that was responsible for her sudden lack of underwear.
The only thing that Nabiki was thankful for was the fact
that she just happened to be wearing a skirt today.
Otherwise... well. She didn't even want to consider the
consequences of that particular scenario.
? confusion strikes ... Two in the morning could be the wrong time for doing
this
But rest assured, Nabiki would get her revenge on the
person who had somehow whisked away her panties. And it was
to be a very painful revenge if she had anything to do with it.
---
It had taken hours of deliberation and much vulgar cursing
but Perfume had finally come to a decision.
=>lots of tink'ling ? Good thing Azusa didn't come this way :)
[YAAAAAAWN] Better cut this short ...
.
.
.
Some typos, lots of smirks
Rising to his feet, Tatewaki's hand immediately went to his katana
Bokken?
Seconds later, he squeaked in embarrassment and covered
his eyes with his hands in a hasty movement.
One would rather expect some on the spot poetry expounding the favours of
the gods and/or the wrath of the blue thunder
And why did he do this?
He did this because, for some reason, all of the girls
basketball players on the court were not only missing their gym
shorts but their underwear as well.
Hotcha O,O
But it is known that after they left the gym, Tatewaki was
still left alone in the gym covering his eyes with his hands and frozen
in a state of timidity.
"Shampoo?" began Tatewaki in very hesitant tones.
"Chocolate? Akane? Is anyone here?"
It would take him over ten minutes to work up enough
courage to finally lower his hands only to find the gym empty and
himself alone.
"Where did they all go?" asked Tatewaki softly.
Strange one ... Tatewaki and that part about Akane's paying with her panties
sort of ... miss something in this scene.
.
.
.
"With pleasure," said Siren with certain flourish. Giving
Cologne a saucy smile and a wink, she turned to face the hoard of
panties. Raising her hands high into the air she chanted in low tones
and the panties began to fall away and seconds later they landed on
the ground with a thunderous crash, causing a gigantic crater in the
front yard to Furinkan High. On seeing this, Siren gave an almost
sheepish laugh and said, "Sorry about that."
Depleted uranium panties? not that it would be too surprising ...
.
.
.
up with. It then drug Happosai out of the crater and towards the
amazed onlookers.
Typos:lots
Spellchecker:0
"Well," said Kodachi after a moment. "That certainly was
an apt punishment if I ever saw one."
"Oh yeah," said Nabiki with a nod. "Very apt."
"And oh so much fun to watch," murmured Kodachi. Tilting
her head back she continued, "Don't you agree, Ranma darling?"
??? In what way was this anymore 'apt' than beating him up or fireballing
him ...
Pausing as she saw Ranma hiding behind her and shivering
uncontrollably, she said, "Ranma darling? Is something the matter?
What troubles you?"
"Cle-Cle-Cle-Cle-Clefairy," stammered Ranma.
"Clefairy?" echoed Kodachi in confusion.
"Clefairy!" Ranma said with a terrified squeak.
"Clefairy, fairy?" asked the Clefairy as it neared the group
on hearing its name being said.
"CLEFAIRY!!" screamed Ranma in maniacally kawaii
tones that were more than a bit frightening.
That was when it was finally revealed. The secret technique
and the secret shame of Saotome Ranma.
Otherwise known as the legendary pokefist.
Ouch ... this one still needs a _lot_ of work. It reads like I'm not the
only one who's not-really up at half past two. Since I usually enjoy your
writing I seriously hope you'll make the effort and I just _know_ that there
are a lot of other lurkers out there who'd appreciate it as well.