Goman Nasai... I couldn't stop myself.
Kenko/Robert Haynie-- Author of Girl Days, Paragon, Redheads,
and War and Peace-- Gomen, no the last was Leo Tolstoy. Well,
I was CLOSE...
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: rrhoodhalf.txt
Fairy Tales for Otaku Number Two:
Little Red Riding Hood 1/2
By Robert Haynie
(And the characters mostly belong to Rumiko Takahashi, except
those who don't, and the wolf who belongs to the zoo.)
####
Once upon a time, in a little cottage in the woods, there lived a
kindly not-exactly-old man and his three daughters and his future
son-in-law and a freeloading panda. They lived together in peace and
harmony, and--
*WHAM! CRASH! BOOM! THUMP! ZYINGYINGYING! WHOMP!*
Well, they lived together in peace and harmony unless there was a
fight going on.
One day, the kindly old father called his daughters and his
future son-in-law who was sometimes not so much of a son-- but that's
another story-- and said, "I want one of you three to take a basket
of cheese, bread, and sake to your poor old grandfather, who is
feeling poorly."
The eldest daughter said, "Oh, I would be pleased to, but I have
far too much work to do, Father." And so saying, she returned to the
kitchen to cook dinner, wash the floor, chop the wood, mend the
clothes, and develop a cure for cancer.
The middle daughter simply raised her eyebrow, and said, "You
can't afford my courier rates, Daddy."
And the youngest daughter said "That old pervert is NOT my
grandfather, and I'm not going anywhere NEAR him."
"Akane, you are the only one left who I can afford. And do not
fear, for I shall send your brave and handsome--"
"WAH_HA_HA_HAIEEE!" *SPLASH!*
"When not beautiful-- fianc� to guard you from the evil wolves
that live in the forest."
"I'm gonna hate this story, aren't I?" asked the brave and
downright stacked fianc� as she wandered into the house, thoroughly
damp. "Bad enough that instead of a koi pond we're in some weird
western cottage and I got thrown in a well. You want me to bodyguard
the tomboy too? Ain't there supposed to be a woodcutter or
something?"
"Watch out for the fourth wall, baka," whispered Akane.
"Like I care. This has GOT to be the stupidest thing outside of
a lemon I have EVER been involved in. If it weren't for the respect
that this writer usually gives me, I'd--"
At this point, the fourth wall crumbled, and part of the roof
fell in, causing much annoyance to the members of the household,
except for the eldest daughter, who liked to clean.
And so the fight began again.
####
"I look like a fool," grumbled Little Red Riding Hood.
"Well, it's not my fault that that red dress and hooded cape
looks better on you than me. Besides, you're pretty much the lead
here."
"Feh," commented Little Red Riding Hood eloquently.
"Anyhow, let's check daddy's checklist. Take the basket to
Grandfather. Don't let him molest you. Make certain that
Grandfather has enough warm blankets. Don't let him molest you. Be
certain that Grandfather is taking his medicine. Don't let him mol--
You know, I'm detecting a trend here."
"Yeah. Say, which way IS it to the old perv-- Grandfather's
house?"
"I'm not certain. Let's ask that wolf."
Wolves don't usually stand on their hind legs, wear hakama, or
carry a bokken. But this being a fairy tale type of woods, these
unusual discrepancies could be charitably overlooked.
"Mister wolf?" Akane asked.
"And in what manner can I be of some small service to two such
lovely maidens?" replied the wolf.
"Do you know the way to Grandfather Happosai's House?" Akane
asked.
"Why, certainly. 'Tis that path there, which goes around the
mountain and across the stream and through the bracken and over the
till and under the bridge and past the fairy grove," the wolf pointed
out helpfully.
"Seems a long way to me," muttered Little Red Riding Hood.
"Well, perchance it is, fair pig-tailed maiden, but the scenery
makes it worth it."
"I'm in no real hurry," Akane noted. Little Red Riding Hood
thought, agreed, and the two set upon the road.
The wolf then smiled. "Ah, little do they know that I can easily
gain my path to that very domicile in a few short minutes by a
short-cut that only I know of. And then... yet which one? For the
dark-haired one is meatier, somewhat, yet the pig-tailed one is
belike better flavored... Ah, I cannot decide! I shall eat them
both!"
####
At Grandfather's house, Grandfather was poring over a batch of
clothing that would have been far more suited to Grandmother, if
Grandmother was sixteen, well figured, and strangely lacking in any
garments but underwear.
"Sweeto," he murmured happily. "But... I don't have a 1994 Black
Lace Teddy with Hand Appliques On The Chest From Spencer's Of Tokyo.
Looks like I have to go out again."
Donning an outfit that could only be described as eccentric
(Well, it could also be described as stupid, impractical, and
basically dumb) Grandfather went out to ste-- ah, acquire a 1994
Black Lace Teddy with Hand Appliques On The Chest From Spencer's Of
Tokyo. (Some time later, this resulted in his getting the hell beat
out of him by Snow White, but that's another story.)
A few minutes later, the wolf arrived. Noting that Red Hiding
Hood and Akane would be arriving soon, he quickly donned some of the
old per-- ah, elderly man's clothing as a disguise. Since the wolf
was about three times the old man's size, the result was that he
looked like a complete and utter moron.
Getting into bed, he waited. Sure enough Little Red Riding Hood
and Akane arrived.
And stared.
"Oh, PLEASE," Red Riding Hood said.
"Honestly, this has got to be the silliest thing I have ever
seen," Akane noted. "Well, there's no help for it."
Groaning, Little Red Riding Hood walked up to the bed, and in
rather bored tones, said, "Hiya, old perv."
"Old--"
"MY, what big EYES you have, Grandfather," Red Riding Hood said,
poking one.
"OW! I mean, well, the better to see you with, pig-tailed gir--
granddaughter."
"And what big EARS you have, Grandfather," Red Riding Hood said,
pulling them.
"Not so hard, and the better to hear you with, pig-tailed
granddaughter."
"And what a big NOSE you have," Red Riding Hood said, in tones of
unspeakable cuteness, while pinching the nose.
"Yow! That hurt, you know! And the better to smell you with,"
the wolf grumbled, wondering if perhaps he'd slightly miscalculated
his choice of targets.
"And what big TEETH you have," Red riding hood said.
Cue.
"THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH--OWIE!" the wolf shouted, as Akane
hit him with the bottle of sake, there being no convenient mallet.
"PERVERT!" screamed Akane.
"Huh?" mumbled the wolf.
"You PERVERT! You said--"
"I KNOW what I said, dark-haired maiden. But what's perverse
about wanting to eat a little girl? I'm a wolf, that's what we DO."
"I don't think he meant it in an ecchi sense, Akane. I think he
meant it literally."
"Thank you for explaining that-- say. I just thought of
something. When you talked about my eyes, you poked one. When you
talked about my ears, you pulled them. When you talked about my
nose, you pinched it. But when you talked about my teeth, you didn't
do anything..."
"Gomen Nasai. Let me correct that oversight," Little Red Riding
Hood said, cracking her knuckles.
####
Gourry Gabriev was looking for Lina. He would find her in about
four hours and one story back, but for now was distracted by what
sounded very much like a little red headed girl beating the living
hell out of a big bad wolf.
Oddly enough, that was pretty much what was happening.
"I FIGHT ON!" said the wolf.
"YOU FIGHT LIKE A PUPPY!" screamed the girl.
"NOW I HAVE YOU!" shouted the wolf.
"HIRYUU SHOTEN HA!" yelled the girl.
"BOOM!" commented the cottage, which was by now a total wreck.
As the red headed girl seethed and the wolf began an in depth
study of the aerodynamics of the lupine form, another girl came up to
him, and asked, "Are you a woodcutter? Because if you are, thanks
anyhow, but Red Riding Hood has it under control."
"Um... no, I'm an adventurer. Have you seen another red headed
girl, about the same size as your friend but not as, um, developed?"
Akane shrugged. "No, sorry. Well, we'll just leave this basket
of goodies for grandfather and head back home." And so they did.
Later Grandfather came home to find that home was not there to
come to, that all of his collection was scattered across the woods,
and that there was a basket with bread, cheese, and sake lying in the
middle of the wreckage.
"Oh, not ANOTHER wolf. Fourth one this year..."
And that, Otaku-chan, is the end of THAT story.