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platypus3333
platypus3333@yahoo.com
http://platypus3333.tripod.com
In case you don't realize it, Shinji is pretty much
insane.
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Abyss
****************************************
There is a void.
You have nothing left but darkness.
You have nothing left but your soul and those that
reside within.
To stare into the abyss is to be consumed.
Ikari Shinji knows the abyss well.
"There isn't anyone here, is there?" He shook his
head. "There never is." The boy looked mournfully
around. "There's nothing of interest here, is there?"
Again, he shook his head. "There never is." Looking
toward the ceiling: "Am I talking to myself?" Then, as
an afterthought: "Perhaps I am�" He smiled to himself
at this little joke. Then Shinji started walking
straight ahead. "So I'm alone again. Ha, ha. Funny."
He raised his hands to the heavens and laughed.
"Alone. What a concept."
Whistling to himself, he walked off into the horizon.
Then he stopped and turned to face whoever could
possibly have been behind him. He tilted his head
noiselessly.
"Hello. How are you?" He didn't bother waiting for an
answer. "Me, I think I hate you. But I'm not sure yet,
you see." He crossed his arms and looked upward.
"Unfamiliar ceiling�" Then he focussed again. "Yeah, I
think I hate you. You've fucked with my life quite a
bit, haven�t you?" He giggled to himself. "Everything
is gone�" He waved his arms in a grand gesture, much
like a showman or a ringmaster presents acts.
"Everything. Gone. Look at all this beautiful,
complete nothingness."
Shinji clutched his head. "Baka Shinji. Losing focus
again." At this, his expression darkened. "Asuka used
to call me that. Used to." His eyes grew distant and
misty. "Asuka� how could it have come to this?" He
closed his eyes for several seconds. "How," he
whispered to the silent world. "How? Why?" He tried to
imagine her laugh, her smile, everything she was, but
it was futile. She was as nothing in this world, a
world of lies. "Asuka� tell me what we are to be�"
Then he opened them again. The boy wiped his eyes,
clearing away the tears. He blinked, then smiled.
"This is it, you know, Asuka," he said to the open
space. "This is all we are, given shape. Nothing." He
put out his arm and bowed, as if an escort to his lost
love. "Welcome to the lie. Welcome to our being." He
straightened and grinned brightly. "This is it, you
know. The truth of the outside world. There is only
one actual truth, isn't there, Asuka? Only one truth
that matters." Shinji frowned. "The truth within your
being, within my being, within all our beings. By
being ourselves and BY ourselves we may escape the
darkness�"
He turned around, then left toward the horizon.
****************************************
There is a void.
You have nothing left but darkness.
You have nothing left but your soul and those that
reside within.
To stare into the abyss is to be consumed.
Ikari Shinji knows the abyss well.
And then he woke up.
"Aah!" He looked around frantically. Nothing. It was
all still there. Everything was as it should be.
Or was it?
Asuka looked up from her seat next to the bed, where
she was snoozing. "What is it, baka?" She said
dreamily. She was normal, stable, the same, alive.
Or was she?
"Nothing. Nothing." He smiled a little, reassuring
her.
Or did it?
She sniffed. "Well, at least you didn't have a bad
dream. I can't stand you crying for your mama at
night."
"I don't do that, you do!"
"Shut up, baka!" Asuka was here, now, and she smiled a
little, bestowing the boy opposite her with a little
warmth.
Or did she?
They both looked up as footsteps could be heard
approaching the door. Shinji pulled the blanket up
over himself as Misato peeked into the door, obvious
concern on her face. "�"
"Shinji? I thought I heard some noises�" She looked
around a little. Asuka snorted in disgust as Misato's
eyes glanced over the empty chair. "Were you talking
to someone?"
"No." Shinji glanced at Asuka, who was giggling in her
seat. "No one."
"Oh�" Misato smiled, but her eyes never lost that
look. "Good night, then." She closed the door.
"�" Shinji glanced towards the chair. Asuka smiled and
waved as she slowly faded out. "�" Shinji flopped back
down and rested his head on his pillow, sighing. Asuka
was still in the hospital, in a coma.
Or was she?
Where was she?
Why was she here?
Why was she talking?
What was he talking to?
What did he see?
"Ugh." Wide-eyed, he focussed on the ceiling. Asuka.
She was in a coma, right? Then why had she been here?
Or had she been here? He was all alone again, not even
a phantom to disturb him.
He laughed. Alone. "What a concept," he muttered
silently to himself. He blinked and contemplated his
life. His friends dead. All gone. Many by his hand,
whether indirect or direct. He could imagine their
dead faces staring up at him, smiling or comatose.
Staring at his hands: "What am I?"
You are a monster.
"�"
You are walking death. You destroy all in your path,
and nothing should touch you lest it be destroyed.
"�I�"
You are a monster.
"�No!"
You broke her spirit. You crippled both he and his
sister. You let her die, because you were weak. You
flicked his head off, callous to the end. Willing to
do anything to save yourself, aren't you? Watching
people die� you probably even smiled, deep down
inside, seeing the only people who loved you in the
world ripped away.
"No!"
What are you then?
"Ikari Shinji!"
You are no more Ikari Shinji than I am.
What are you?
What are you fighting for?
What is your truth?
"I� I don't know!"
Then you are a fool. A killer, a murderer, a mad
fool, unknowingly destroying all the walls and friends
he has built up around himself.
You are weak.
You are undeserving.
You are unfit for life.
What are you fighting for?
"�"
What�
"No!"
What�
"NO! I DON'T KNOW! EVERYTHING! NOTHING! I DON'T
KNOW!" Ikari Shinji then screamed and clutched his
head in furstration. He began to cry.
****************************************
"Shinji had a bad dream last night." Misato sipped
her coffee, then made a small face and poured in more
creamer.
Ritsuko didn't bother to look up from her computer.
"Oh? Again?"
"Yeah� then I heard him talking to something. Or
himself, I wasn't sure."
"�"
"What do I do?" She put some more cream in.
"What do you mean?"
"Aren't you a doctor or something? What's wrong with
him?"
"Well�" Ritsuko leaned back in her chair. "Numerous
things. He could just be stressed- and who wouldn't
be- or he's just lonely."
"Lonely? But I-"
"That doesn't matter. I mean, lonely for people his
own age. He sees you as more of a parent figure, like
a mother. You can never relate to him the way other
children can."
Misato pouted. "I'm not THAT much older that I don't
understand what he's talking about�" She tried the
coffee again, then put in some sugar.
"Regardless, in his mind you're an authority." She
tapped some keys on the computer. "Albeit a messy slob
of an authority."
"Hey!"
"There is absolutely no one left here. Have you seen
his classroom? Empty, totally empty. Even the teacher
doesn't go anymore."
"There's Rei, right?"
"Rei?" Ritsuko snorted. "Don't even get me started
about Rei."
"Yeah, I think I see what you mean." Misato sipped
some coffee, made a face, and poured more sugar into
her mug. She began stirring. "She's different. Since
Unit 00 was destroyed� Think she lost her soul or
something?"
The other woman shook her head. "No, nothing like
that. �She's a strange girl."
"You said it." Misato finished adding sugar and took
a sip. "Gah!"
Ritsuko wrinkled her nose in disgust. "You weren't
paying attention."
"Yeah, yeah." To Ritsuko's chagrin, Misato poured the
coffee back into the pot.
"That's disgusting."
"Who cares, no one drinks my coffee anyway." Misato
crossed her arms. "Anyway, back to Shinji�"
"He's lonely."
"You said that already. What do we do about it?"
"I dunno. Make him friends with somebody, or
something."
"As you also pointed out, there's nobody left."
"Not for long." She muttered a curse as the computer
started beeping.
"What do you mean? Don't tell me people are actually
moving here, I won't believe it."
"5th Children."
"Kaoru?"
"No, Kaoru was not a Children. He was an Angel, and
is classified as such."
"Shinji doesn't think so."
"Shinji flicked Kaoru's head off."
"�But another Children at a time like this�"
"You don't understand the situation we're in, Misato.
Unit Two pretty much a wreck after that debacle with
Tabris, and then Unit 00 resting in pieces. We have no
defense against further attack on the Angel front�
much less the UN front."
"We have Shinji."
"You think one Eva will take out every Angel? You
think one Eva can last forever with all the other
forces of the world trying to kill us? Besides which,
as you said, the boy's unstable. We have no concept of
whether or not he will just up and leave when he feels
like it."
"And the UN politicians are willing to give us
another Eva?"
"Another production model, with the S2 organ
implanted. A duplicate of Unit 04."
"I've never heard anything of this."
"You didn't need to hear anything of this." Ritsuko
smiled at Misato's angry pout. "Besides, you know now,
right?"
Misato blew out a sigh of exasperation. "Yeah, I
guess you're right. When's he coming?"
"A couple weeks at best. He's undergoing training and
rehabilitation."
"Rehab?"
"Yes. Marduke extracted him from one of the more
disreputable orphanages of New York-2. He was� a
little disoriented."
"Disoriented. As in?"
"He's a maniac. Most of the time he's normal, even
lively, but at times he's as cold and withdrawn as Rei
and the Commander in one. When that happens, he's-"
She shrugged. "Difficult."
"Great�"
"Also, he has some problems with the left arm, which
produces some distortions in the nerve impulses.
Almost paralysis, but he has a modicum of control. It
shakes violently at times."
"And he's piloting an Evangelion?" The woman could
barely contain her shock.
"Regardless of his mental and physical instabilities,
the boy is an excellent pilot. An astoundingly high
estimated synch ratio. He can't do anything with it
right now, such as fight, but with the proper training
he will be the perfect complement to the younger
Ikari."
"Let's hope so�" Misato frowned and shook her head.
"What's wrong?"
"It's the job, you know. Do you ever feel bad about
it?"
"Bad about what?"
"Making children fight monsters. There isn't a single
boy or girl that's gone through this war unmarred,
whether mentally or physically."
"They do it willingly."
"But HOW willingly? If someone walks up to you with a
hopeful expression on their face and says 'Monsters
are attacking the world, and you're one of the only
few who can save us all,' what would you do?"
"�"
"If you're a kid, unless proven otherwise, you think
you're invincible. You think nothing can hurt you,
that it's all just a game somehow. By the time you
realize it isn't, it's far too late." She shook her
head regretfully. "It seems unfair somehow, putting
all this on children. And now we have another one."
The other woman contemplated these words for a few
minutes. "But what can we do? It's true, what you said
about monsters attacking the world, and it's true
about the few saviors we have. There is nothing we can
do to help these children but set them on their path,
and guide them when needed."
"But they've done nothing but hurt and die."
"They've saved us, all of us, including you. Many
times. Doesn't that mean anything?"
"I'm not sure anymore, Ritsuko. Maybe it would be
better if we all just died, so no one hurts anymore."
"So you've given up on humanity?"
"I think I've given up on pain."
"�"
Misato smiled sadly, then turned.
Ritsuko watched as the other woman left the room. She
stroked her chin thoughtfully, then got up and crossed
the room to the coffee pot.
****************************************
"Rei?" Shinji opened the door and peeked in. "Hello?"
Receiving no response, he opened the door more, as he
had months before, and quietly walked in. It was a
mess. He resisted the impulse to get a sponge and
looked around for the girl. "Ayanami?"
"Yes?"
Startled, he spun around. "Wha-!"
The girl tilted her head and peered at him. "What do
you want?"
"I� I just wanted to talk." He tried to smile
reassuringly, but found he couldn't. He wondered for a
brief moment why Rei had been sitting in the darkness
next to the door, then pushed these thoughts out for
another, more pressing issue.
"Talk?"
"Yeah." He nodded slightly. "Talk."
"With me?"
"Yes."
She regarded him much as a scientist inspects his
monkey, as a curiosity that should be analyzed and
processed through the depths of the mind. "About
what?"
"About� stuff."
"�?"
"You know, about everything." He swallowed. "I'm
sorry if I'm bothering you or anything, or if you have
something else to do."
"�"
"I mean, because you look annoyed somehow, and I
somehow get the feeling that I'm the cause. I mean, if
you want me to go�"
"�You may stay."
"Th� thanks. Can I sit down?" When she nodded
confirmation, he did so, his weight pressing down on
her bed. It hadn't been made for days, weeks even.
"�" They watched each other for several seconds
before Shinji had to look down. It was something about
those eyes, those piercing red eyes, that disconcerted
him. If there was anything human behind that fa�ade,
he couldn't see it. Not anymore.
"�Do you dream a lot?"
"No."
"You don't dream a lot?"
"I don't dream at all."
"Never?"
"�" The silence was answer enough for him.
"Well, I don't know-"
"I had a dream yesterday."
"�? You did?"
"Yes."
"About what?"
She thought for a minute, and then, as if struggling
to produce every syllable, she began talking. "A large
blue desert with an orange horizon."
"A desert? Like, as in sand?
"A desert of the soul. Barren. In it, I felt nothing.
A nothing so great that it was almost as emptiness."
She paused. "There was no sensation, and then I heard
many things. I saw� something. It beckoned to me,
called to me."
Shinji sat still with rapt attention. "And?"
"It said, 'You are like me, as you were like he
before me, but more so. There is nothing here, for
that is a lie in essence, and there is everything
within me, as that is a truth in essence.'" She stared
at him.
"I�truth?"
"�"
"I heard something like that too. The truth of the
outside world is like nothing� That there's only one
actual truth, the one that matters."
"�"
"I� I don't know. I just heard it, that's all.
There's something about this�" He stared off into
space, stuck in his own contemplative silence.
"The world is wrong."
"What?" He turned to her.
"That is what it is saying. The world is wrong." Her
eyes were downcast.
"Wrong? There's nothing wrong."
"Everything is wrong, and is thus a lie. Something�
is trying to set things right, and it is coming to do
so."
"�"
"�"
"�"
"�Is that all you wish to discuss?"
"Uh? Yeah, yeah." He hastily rose and nodded to her.
"I have to get back to Misato's apartment soon.
Good-bye!" He departed, leaving the blue-haired girl
alone with her thoughts.
****************************************
New York-2, Several Monthes Ago
A boy sat alone in the darkness. His left wrist,
wrapped in a bandage, was held closely to his body. He
laughed to himself, as if to some funny joke that only
he knew. The boy leaned back and stared at the wall.
He glanced at the door as it opened, then smiled. "�"
"James?" The man didn't wait for an answer. "We're
here to take you, son."
"To kill me?"
The man was taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"Are. You. Going. To. Kill. Me." The boy said
patiently.
"For God's sake, why would I?"
"How the hell should I know?" He frowned. "Will you
please take that gun and shoot me?"
"�"
"Come on. Bang! Right in the head!" The boy simulated
shooting himself in the head with his right hand.
"That's not what we're here for." The agent had
regained his composure.
"�? Really?"
"Really."
"Then�" He frowned.
"You're going to NERV."
"Nerve?"
"Correct. You will receive education, food, and
shelter."
"�"
"In return, you will be expected to perform a variety
of tasks, the full breadth of which will be explained
to you when you arrive in Tokyo-3."
"�Let's go, then."
He got up and slowly walked through the door.
Into the abyss.
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