Hi,
Finally my C&C. ^_^
Comments ##
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 12:15:39 -0800 (PST)
From: "B. Na" <gnbean@u.washington.edu> |
Block address
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Evangelion] [The Waste Land]
Dear FFMLers
<SNIP>
IMO put authors notes at the end.
OTOH you are acknowledging inspiration
from your friend so this should go briefly
at the beginning. (for instance
"Original Concept by Jitou" ^_^)
The more involved version can
go at the end of the story.
B.S.N.
------------------------------------------------------------
THE WASTE LAND by B.S.N.
------------------------------------------------------------
Original Concept by Jitou
------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: All the characters of "Neon-Genesis
Evangelion"
are the property of Mr. Hideki Anno, Gainax, A.D.
Vision and
all other associated parties. This fanfiction does
not
intend to reap profit or benefit of any kind; it was
created
for entertainment purposes only.
------------------------------------------------------------
TEXT CONVENTIONS:
_ _ denotes emphasis
------------------------------------------------------------
Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know
only
A heap of broken images, where the sun
beats,
And the dead tree gives me no shelter, the cricket no
relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water.
From T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land."
CHAPTER I: The Pilgrim's Progress
There was a heavy sheen of perspiration on his
brow.
Ikari Shinji raised a grimy hand to his forehead and
impatiently wiped away the trickles of sweat that
coursed
down his small face. The boy sighed and looked up
into the
brass-colored expanse of sky. It was an early summer
morning, but the freshness of the dawn had faded long
ago.
The heat was oppressive--almost intolerable--and
though the
wind blew in fitful gusts, it brought no relief.
Shinji,
however, could not rest. The white road that wound
before
him was long; he had yet miles to go before he could
sleep.
## Errrr, "Miles to go" ^_~ Now where have I heard
that before?
Very good. IMO this section could be trimmed
_slightly_ to enhance dramatic tension.
The boy ran his fingers through the dark, damp strands
of
hair that clung to his brow before he bowed his head
and
continued onward.
He trudged up the hill, his lean, brown hands
looped through the straps of his pack. He soon
reached the
summit of the peak and stood there for a few moments
to
still his ragged breath. He glanced up once again
into the
sky, but his eyes could not bear the white-hot glare
of the
sun. Instead, his gaze rested upon the distant
horizon
which scintillated and quivered in the waves of heat
that
rose from the ground. He absently rubbed the back of
his
sticky hand against the seat of his shorts as he
surveyed
the land that sloped gently downwards below him.
##Overuse of "his" and "he". Needs only a slight
change.
"I'm almost there," the boy murmured. "Just a
few
more days, a few more towns. . ." With renewed
determination and hope, Shinji began to walk down the
hill.
##Goo descriptive passages. IMO you should play with
them
a little bit. Rearrange the passages, change some
adjectives, etc and see what happens. IMO this is
very good as it stands but there are a number of
possible interpretations and presentations of the
images. My personal preference is for a crisper style.
However this section would also lend itself to a more
languid or surrealistic style, for instance.
------------------------------------------------------------
It was nearly dusk when he arrived at the
small
hamlet. Long ago, it had been a large, flourishing
metropolis; today, the city was forlorn and desolate.
As
the boy walked among the ruins, he recalled the
towering
edifices, the tree-lined avenues, the bustling traffic
and
the throngs of people that had once characterized the
municipality. Now the only monuments of its former
grandeur
were the few, fragile, blackened shells of buildings,
the
great, twisted steel light-posts and the occasional,
infrequent stretches of pavement. Here and there
among the
rubble, Shinji saw the remains of a billboard, a faded
street sign, a broken piece of furniture or a
splintered
door. Yet the boy did not slacken his pace or pause
to
examine these objects more closely; such sights were
common
enough. Instead, he briskly made his way along the
empty
and deserted streets, his gait purposeful and
determined.
He mounted a shallow flight of stairs--the only
remnants of
the city library--and examined the wasteland that
stretched
before him. When he sighted a cluster of dilapidated
buildings, he hurriedly clambered down and made his
way
towards them.
##Nice. Again overuse of "he"/ "his".
My personal opinion is that this section contains
striking well written imagery that is somewhat flawed
by construction of some sentences.
Example::
"Yet the boy . . ." "Instead, he briskly made his . .
." is perfectly correct but, IMO, does not fit well
with the surrounding images. A little like putting
diamonds in a plastic setting.
Try various other constructions.
Example::
Here and there among the
rubble, Shinji saw the remains of a billboard, a faded
street sign, a broken piece of furniture or a
splintered
door. Yet the boy did not slacken his pace or pause
to
examine these objects more closely; such sights were
common
enough.
##As an alternative try::
He quickened his pace, not pausing to examine the
objects more closely; they were all too common.
OR
Quickening his pace the boy hurried on, trying to
ignore . . .
##There are a LOT of variations. Again, play with the
words
and sentence structure ans see what happens. This is a
VERY subjective part of writing and reading and I
certainly don't have the last word on the subject. ^_^
"Hello?" Shinji called out. His voice rang
out and
reverberated against the blank walls. He stepped
through
the door and cried out again, "Hello? Is anyone
here?"
He waited for a few moments as if to give the
person time to respond but no one answered him.
Although
Shinji heard no reply, he ventured further into the
building and continued to call out in hopes that some
voice
would greet him. But as he wandered through the
quiet,
empty rooms, his hope began to falter and Shinji once
again
felt the familiar dull ache in his heart--the heavy
composite of sorrow, regret and hopelessness that
always
arose when no human call answered his own.
##Good. IMO this would have more impact is slightly
shorter.
Example::
"Hello?" His voice reverberated against the
blank walls.
Stepping through the door he cried out again, "Hello?
Is anyone here?"
He waited for a few moments as if to give the
person time to respond but no one answered him.
Hearing nothing Shinji ventured further into the
building and continued to call out hoping that some
voice
would greet him. But as he wandered through the
quiet,
empty rooms, his hope began to falter and Shinji once
again
felt the familiar dull ache in his heart--the heavy
composite of sorrow and regret that always
arose when no human call answered his own.
##Again there are a lot of different ways to edit this
passage.
My thought is to change the wording slightly in some
places to make it more direct . . .this is happening
_now_ to _me_ (or rather Shinji) and not so remote. I
also think it's more effective to set-up Shinji's
feelings and _quickly_ get to his dialogue.
This is very subjective and different readers will
feel differently about the passage.
"I guess there's nobody here," Shinji
murmured.
"After all, it's only been a year after the
apocalypse,
maybe no one has come home yet." He paused at a
window and
looked out. "But then, do they have a home to come
to?
There's nothing here--just ruins." He absently traced
his
finger along the edge of the windowsill. "I wonder if
home
is like this too," he mused. "I wonder if anyone
is--"
A noise interrupted his lonely soliloquy. He
spun
around and peered into the gloom. "Hello?" he cried
out,
his heart thumping wildly with fear and expectation.
He
saw nothing, but he could still hear it--the faint and
indistinct sound of rapid footsteps as it hurried away
from
him. Shinji threw down his pack and ran in the
direction
of the footfalls.
"Wait!" he called out, "Stop!" As Shinji
raced into
the room, he discerned a dim shadow in the obscurity.
The
phantom paused but commenced its run when it perceived
Shinji.
It swiftly turned into an adjoining hallway and
disappeared
into the darkness.
"Stop! Please! I'm not here to harm you!"
Shinji
pleaded as he sped after the specter.
##Good. IMO "I'm not going to hurt you!"
Might be better. He's running and short of breath.
Plus, IMO, a person under stress is less likely to be
quite so formal sounding.
But the phantom
ignored his entreaties and continued to run. Shinji,
however,
was undaunted and continued to his pursuit.
##Hmmm, I'm a little unsure about "entreaties" and
"undaunted"
especially the "undaunted". They sound a little
strange to my ear. You've set up a very nice, tension
filled scene and this seems a little too formal for
the circumstances. OTOH this is a matter of personal
style.
On and on they
ran through the cavernous rooms and narrow corridors
of the
empty building. Though his limbs ached and his breath
burned
painfully within his chest, Shinji ran, spurred
onwards by
his great hope. He could see nothing in those dim,
unlit
rooms yet the fleet footfalls of the runner before him
guided
him through the darkness.
##Nit-Pick. Is this completely dark? Or just dim?
It's very hard to run in total darkness, and not much
easier in a dim
ruin. Debris, fallen walls, broken furniture, etc. IMO
you might want to re-write this slightly to take the
difficulties into account.
I've got to stop him! I've got to talk to
him! Shinji
thought as he followed the apparition. No matter what
it
takes, I must speak to him, face to face. I must!
But as Shinji closed in, he felt himself
faltering.
His strength was taxed--it had nearly reached its
limit--and
the vast rooms and maze-like hallways seemed to have
no end.
Yet his eagerness was still great and, using the last
reserves
of his strength, the boy reached out--one last,
desperate
grasp--in an attempt to arrest the fleeing shade.
Almost there, Shinji thought, as his fingers
strained
closer to the shadowy figure. I've almost got him!
I've
nearly got--
And that was his last conscious thought before
darkness engulfed him.
##A little too wordy for someone running through a
darkened
ruin. ^_^ IMO this section should be shorter overall
with much less
internal dialogue. I think you would be better off
with more direct action in keeping with the tenseness
of the situation. Less dialogue because he's
exhausted. ^_^
------------------------------------------------------------
A roach skittered past his nose. Shinji
stared at it
in morbid fascination, his eyes transfixed to the
wandering
insect. In the one, thin shaft of light that
penetrated the
gloom, he could see the delicate, waving feelers, the
slender
serrated legs and the curious hard casing of its body.
In the
many hours that Shinji had lain prostrate upon the
dusty floor,
the roach was the only object that he could
distinguish in the
deep obscurity of his prison. The insect soon
scuttled out
of sight and Shinji was left alone once more.
##Nice. I like the roach. I'm assuming Shinji is bound
but it's not clear.
"Another unfamiliar ceiling," Shinji murmured
as he
looked into the murky, unfathomable shadows above him.
A wry
smile came to his lips at this nonsensical thought; it
was a
silly, senseless statement--an old phrase he had often
said
long ago--but he used it nonetheless. The smile soon
faded,
however, and his young features assumed its wonted sad
and
weary aspect.
##Good. But . . . "wonted sad and weary aspect." ???
Errrr, I'd change or delete this last line. IMO he's
tied up in a room with a roach tap-dancing on his
noggin. This seems a little too flowery for the
situation. I like the "ceiling" bit however. Very
nice. Just work on the last line a bit.
Shinji sighed. "I've been here for hours."
He
opened his eyes and stared again into the darkness
above him.
Though he knew not where or how he was imprisoned or
who had
placed him therein, Shinji felt oddly calm.
##How does he know how long? He was unconscious at the
start. And hard to measure time in the dark.
" . . .therin"??? ^_O
I'd change that.
He was past all
emotion now. Confidence and expectation had been
extinguished; fear and curiosity had vanished. Now,
he was
simply resigned. He knew his fate, understood its
inevitability. There was no escape. "I wonder," he
said
softly, "when--and how--this will end. . ."
##Again, I'd simplify this just a bit.
"Come, boy." Shinji felt himself being
roughly
raised. He looked up but could see nothing. He could
only
feel the hot breath and heavy hand of the guard. The
warder
quickly cut through the ropes around his ankles.
Shinji fell
to the floor. He essayed to rise again, but his legs
were
stiff and numb from the long hours of inactivity and
he
collapsed to the floor again.
"Too weak to stand, eh?" The guard took hold
of
Shinji's shirt and hoisted him aloft. "Come. It is
time,"
he said. And Shinji was borne out of his dark prison
into
the formless blackness beyond.
## ". . .essayed . . ." O_O
OK, I know I get after you for some of your wording.
Mostly very, very good in this story. And my
objections are
subjective, based on my writing style and what I like
to read. However my personal feeling is that the
situation, tied up, in the dark, etc. calls for short,
simple , direct language.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Here," the warder commanded as he pushed
Shinji into
a room. "Master Yukishiro will see you."
Shinji stumbled to his knees. He turned to
look at
the jailer. "Master--"
"So, you're the boy who was roving about the
city
this morning, eh?" a voice inquired. Shinji turned to
the
right, startled. "You're rather young to be wandering
alone
in this place, child," Yukishiro said mildly. "You
may rise,
if you wish."
##I'd drop " . . .if you wish."
Shinji said nothing and directed his eyes to
the
floor.
##Hmmmm, I know less about Eva than Neanderthal man
knew about quantum physics. (well, I know a _little_
more) This may have some significance to true
EVAphiles. However I'd like a little more explanation
for this. Is this his normal behavior? Is he afraid?
Trying to appear non-threatening? There are lot's of
possible explanations. IMO it needs just a _tad_ more
explanation.
Yukishiro shrugged and seated himself opposite the
boy. In the harsh glare of a naked light bulb, the
man
could see every line, ridge and hollow of the boy's
face.
The round, tanned countenance was beginning to become
square
around the chin and his frame was lean and sinewy.
Clad in
the white shirt and khaki shorts of a schoolboy, he
appeared
to be fifteen or sixteen.
##1) why is he wandering around the apocalyptic world
in a school uniform?
2)Why/how is it so clean after all this. (you might
add some more about his appearance to indicate his
recent problems. Being knocked out, tied up, dragged,
etc)
But though his cheeks were still
softly rounded and smooth and his brow yet unlined,
his face
was haggard and drawn. The lines about his mouth were
austere
and grim and there was a strange dullness in his eyes.
But
in those eyes there was a dark, mournful
expression--they
were eyes that had seen too much and suffered too
greatly.
It was an impossibly old look for such a child. Yet
there
was something in his face that drew one to him--but it
was
not pity.
##Ummm, I know I wanted more about his physical
appearance. However this bit is hard to follow. I find
it to be a little contradictory at best. Some good
stuff, just hard to follow. IMO this section needs a
little editing.
"What is your name, child?" Yukishiro asked
finally.
"Ikari Shinji," he replied.
"So, Shinji-kun, where have you come from?"
"Neo-Tokyo, sir."
"Hmm, that is rather far-off, ne, Shinji-kun?
Have you come to visit some family in these parts?"
Shinji shook his head.
Yukishiro frowned in puzzlement. "What, no
family here?"
"No, sir. I-I have no family." There was a
slight catch in his voice and an odd gleam in his
eyes as he said this. Yukishiro noted it, but the
keen
glint in his eyes and his tone of voice was unchanged.
"Surely you must have an aunt or an uncle
hereabouts."
"None, sir."
The quizzical look on Yukishiro's features
deepened. "Then what brings you here?"
"I have a message for you, sir."
"A message?" Yukishiro's brow arched in
surprise.
"From whom?"
"No one in particular, sir. Just from
myself,"
he answered simply. The cold, taciturn boy was gone;
there was a curious eagerness in his eyes and a
peculiar
thrill in his voice now. Yukishiro, however, failed
to
perceive this and continued to stare past the boy.
##Ummm, this is a very strange conversation. And a
strange description of Sinji IMO. Of course this may
just be in keeping with EVA strangeness. ^)^
I LIKE the "Message" bit. I find Shinji calling his
captor "sir" to be very distracting. I might feel
better about it if there were just a little more
development of Yukishiro and the situation. It seems
very surreal to me and very difficult to follow. Again
this may simply be a stylistic difference.
"A message. . ." Yukishiro murmured as he
rubbed
his chin thoughtful. He rose and paced about the
room.
"So, the reports are true. . .and I had through they
were all tales. . . It was well that the guards
placed
you where they did. . ."
##???They put him in a dark room with a roach.
"Sir. . ." Shinji began.
Yukishiro glanced up. "Shinji-kun, whatever
message you may have for me, I do not wish to hear it.
Say nothing about it. It is better for the both of
us."
"But sir--"
In one swift movement, Yukishiro crossed the
room.
With a trembling hand, Yukishiro seized Shinji's
collar
and glared at him. "Look here, boy," he said sharply,
"I don't care to listen to your message. If you wish
to
leave unharmed, say nothing more."
"Sir, I can't leave until--" Shinji started.
A sharp crack resounded in the dark room.
"Shinji-kun, this is your last warning,"
Yukishiro
said. "I don't want to hear it. Say nor more or you
will regret it later."
Shinji looked away, his eyes downcast. There
was
a pained expression on his features, but the blow did
not
cause it. "Then there is nothing more to say."
"Good. I will--"
"But. . .I can still see it in you," Shinji
murmured. "The wall within your heart. The barrier
that
divides you from other men. . ."
Yukishiro grabbed the boy's arm, his eyes wide
with
alarm. "What did you say?" Yukishiro asked, his voice
high
and strained. "What did you just say? Speak, boy!"
"My father's work has failed here," Shinji
said
quietly. "There is nothing more I can do."
"What are you talking about?" Yukishiro shook
him
fiercely. "What are you saying?"
"There is nothing to say," Shinji responded.
"Answer me, boy! What are you saying?"
Yukishiro
demanded. He desperately clutched the collar of
Shinji's
shirt in his fist. The man's eyes glittered with a
feverish fire.
Shinji's eyes were flat and the lines of his
mouth were taut. It was the face of an executioner or
a
saint--cold, dispassionate, severe, resolute. "No."
Suddenly, an overwhelming fury possessed
Yukishiro.
A wild shriek burst from his lips. "You!!! You!!!
You--"
And darkness claimed Shinji again.
##IMO I'd delete or change "And darkness claimed . .
."
I think it's much more effective to end with
"You!!! You!!! You----"
_You've_ already had darkness claim Shinji in this
episode.
Also I think the _you you you_ makes for a better
clif-hanger ending. you can have darkness claim Shinji
in the next chapter if you wish.
-------------------------------------------------------
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was an extremely difficult piece
for me. But then, Jitou told me that it would be
difficult. ^_^; Truth to tell, I'm still a little
unsure about this chapter, so C & C will be welcomed
and appreciated.
##Overall: very good. Some rough spots, mostly
concerning wordiness or too formal language. I found
most of the scene between Shinji and Yukishiro to be
incomprehensible.
I LOVED the very end, starting with
"Then there is nothing more to say."
Al the way to
"You You You"
IMO it would be much more effective it the preceding
section were a little more direct in building to this
climax. OTOH it's my understanding the EVA is a bit
obscure in the original so this may be a matter of
taste.
Good work. I want to see more.
<SNIP>
It will attempt to deal with many
of the unanswered questions that this series left
behind
(though I still think many of them are
unanswerable--but
I'm still game to try. ^_^)
##Answering questions is good. ^)O
<SNIP>
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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