Oh and before I forget. I'm thinking about putting
in a plot to get Shampoo
married to Ranma by Shampoo, Cologne and Mylee. If
you decide to C&C then
please let me know if you think that would make the
story more enjoyable.
I'm sure it WOULDN'T make the story more enjoyable if
we already know it's going to happen.
You might also want to put your notes at the end, so
readers can get right to the story and ignore your
thoughts and feelings when their done.
:)
Thanks
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Last Place You'd Look
Shampoo I Challenge You!: A Mysterious Woman comes
to town and challenges
Shampoo
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was a quiet, peaceful day at Furinkan High. . .
(well as quiet and
peaceful as Nerima gets) . . .
"You pervert! Come back here!!" Happousai sprinted
Only one exclamation mark needed at the end there.
down the street, ignoring
the angry mob of women shouting battle calls behind
him.
"What a haul! What a haul!!" He laughed with
Same for here.
Akane Tendo turned from her conversation, her eyes
narrowing as they met
those of a purple-haired amazon. Dark clouds began
to gather over the school
and thunder rumbled loudly.
"Hmm...looks like rain." Nabiki commented, glancing
up from her ledgers.
Nice.
"Hey Shampoo, what are you doing here?" Daisuke
asked, braking the exchange.
braking-->breaking
Both girls looked away as if the other weren't even
there.
"Shampoo bring Ranma too too delicious ramen for
lunch." She flounced (a
remarkable feat when seated on a bike) and looked
around for the
aforementioned pig-trailed martial artist.
If P-chan has been following Ranma around, you should
probably tell the readers in a more obvious way.
"Theres a thought, where is Ranma?" Hiroshi asked.
There's
Daisuke shrugged.
"I haven't seen him since right before first class."
Change that period to a comma.
Daisuke said.
Since you have Daisuke shrugging before, it might make
it flow better if you take out 'Daisuke said.'
"People people, where have you been all day? Mousse
I'm not sure, but I think there should be a comma
after that first 'people'.
challenged Ranma this
morning. I've been swamped with bets." Nabiki
strolled up, glancing at a
fuming Shampoo.
"How fast did he go down this time Nabiki?" Hiroshi
asked.
"Last update Mousse was still standing."
"Wow he must be improving." Daisuke said. Nabiki
suggest:
"Wow! He..."
"Wow reminds me of that martial arts movie I saw
last week."
"Yeah gives ya a real sense of impending doom huh?"
Yeah,
doom,
"Who do you think it is this time??" Voices
whispered.
"Another fiancee maybe?"
"Could be, that would make the count what? Four
suggest:
be. That
now?"
"Shampoo! I Mylee! Great warrior of Jaylong Amazons!
I come to challenge
you!" She shouted, her voice delicate but firm.
When does the bad talking get made fun of? Now it
justs seems more of a chore to read than something
that's entertaining.
Shampoo's expression hardened
and she jumped from her bike, landing in a battle
position, her bonburi
suddenly present.
Maybe you could break this up in a different format,
so the action doesn't seem so awkward.
suggest:
Shampoo leapt from her bike, immediately landing in a
battle position. Her face hardened into a grim
expression as she drew her bonburi.
"Never!" He yelled, raising his right arm. Out shot
a small globe, about the
size of a baseball. Ranma caught it easily, frowning
at it. Was this all
Mousse had left? Had he finally exhausted his never
ending supply of weapons?
"Come on Shampoo, lets get out of here!" Mousse
let's
yelled in his squeaky voice.
He grabbed hold of a stunned Mylee, picking her up
in his arms and running.
'Sssssssssssssss. . . " Ranma frowned, holding the
'->"
ball up to his ear. He
blinked. It sounded like a. .
"Ranma run! It's a-" Akane's voice called from
behind him, cut of by the loud
(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)
* * *
"I've finally beaten him." Mousse whispered,
him,"
"Umm. . ."Mousse tried to back away, but Mylee had
Need a space there, between " and Mousse.
"No, we fight now!" Shampoo repeated, taking a
battle stance. Mylee just
ignored her again. While Mousse looked as if he
might pass out.
"Shai shen. . .Mousse." She whispered with a
Would that be different than 'Shei shie'?
"Let me get this straight. Theres a new girl in
There's
Nerima." Daisuke said.
Hiroshi nodded.
"Right."
"And she's not out to kill Ranma?" Daisuke asked.
Hiroshi shook his head.
"Nope."
"And she's not here to marry Ranma??" Again Hiroshi
shook his head.
Wasn't he there, or am I missing something?
"Nope."
'Wow! Ranma must be loosing his edge! I wonder if
'->"
"Mylee love you Mousse." Mylee whispered as the door
closed, hugging Mousse
again. "Have loved Mousse since you save Mylee from
bomb. "She pressed
closer, trying to express what she was feeling in
the strange language she
had only just learned.
This is what I don't understand: Why can't she just
speak Chinese? She HAS to know their Chinese if she
knew Shampoo by name. She's also spoken Chinese to him
before ('Ni Hao' 'Shei shei' etc.), so why can't she
do the same here?
"Mylee has never seen man so heroic." She confessed,
looking up at him with
eyes full of adoring love. She then continued
nuzzling his chest.
"But it is Shampoo that I love!" Mousse finally
managed to squeak out. Mylee
stilled, then pulled back to look into his eyes.
"Oh. . ."Mylee was silent for a moment, looking at
Need a space between " and Mylee
the floor. Mousse's
shoulders slumped. Was she . . .crying?
"But Mylee thought Shampoo engaged to weak girl-boy.
Was in all papers back
home." (GRETUIDIS RANMA REFERENCE!)
I think you're trying to spell 'gratuitous'.
"For now he has her, but one day Shampoo will be my
bride!" Mousse vowed, his
eyes determined.
"Oh. . ."
"I-I'd better go now, theres no telling what that
there's
dog Saotome might have done
to my dear Shampoo!" Mousse turned and left, feeling
it was better to give
Mylee some privacy if she was going to cry.
"Yes, aren't you a lucky girl." Cologne commented,
girl?
watching Mylee.
The younger woman�s eyes narrowed. She understood
that Mousse had this. .
.this crush on her rival, but it was not meant to
be. She had studied her
enemy, and if it was one thing she had learned it
was that Shampoo was
selfish and spoiled. Shampoo would never appreciate
Mousse the way she could.
She would never see him for the kind and brave man
he was. She had to save
him from a fate worse than death. . .marriage to
Shampoo.
I dunno, I'm sure there are much worse fates...
Her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits and her smile
took on a curve Kodachi
would have been proud of.
"Then Mylee help Shampoo get Ranma."
* * *
"Stupid Mousse ruin everything!" Shampoo pouted,
She pouted? At least she could have pouted angrily...
Wonderful, not only was Shampoo displeased with him
again, but the old monkey
That's old _dried up_ monkey to you. =P
had come up with yet another plan to help capture
her son in law. Mousse
cleaned his glasses and put them back on, ready to
do whatever he could to
stop their scheming.
"Great-granddaughter. I would like to introduce you
to our new delivery
girl." All noise in the Cat Caf� stopped as Mylee
stepped out from the
kitchen, a cute smile all over her face.
* * *
Ranma-chan looked up in mid-rant at Akane, a frown
on her face.
"Did you just hear something?" She asked, ringing
the water out of her
pig-tail and walking from the koi pond.
Akane frowned, forgetting for the moment the mallet
in her hand.
"Thats strange, it sounded like a scream."
Heh.
Mylee turned to face Shampoo, her arms crossed. If
Shampoo wanted a fight
then Mylee would be more than happy to get rid of
her rival the easy way.
'rival' isn't really needed here.
Obstacles were for killing, even if they were amazon
in nature. The two
glared at each other.
"Shampoo let you work at Cat Caf� and let you live
in spare room." She
informed Mylee hautily.
haughtily
"Akane your overreacting! " He called to the girl
Unneeded extra space there.
chasing behind him with a
mallet almost bigger than she was. The mallet
slammed down again, almost
hitting him this time. She must have been training
with that thing again
Ranma thought.
"I�ll show YOU overreacting! You-YOU CASANOVA!"
"It wasn�t a date I tell ya Akane!"
"Ranma NO BAKA!!"
(*CRASH*BOOM*CRASH*CRASH*)
Ranma groaned, not even realizing yet that he was
air born. He had run a race
with the mallet of doom. . .and lost.
* * *
"Teriyaki ramen very good today. Mylee bring right
out. "Mylee smiled at the
out." Mylee
customer, glancing back at Mousse, bussing tables
before she started towards
the kitchen. She repeated the order to Cologne and
then returned to watching
Mousse.
How suddenly he had found his way into her heart.
She had heard of it
happening before, when an amazon was beaten it was
suggest:
before. When an amazon was beaten,
only right that she fall
in love with her new husband. It was every girl�s
dream to find a man who
would beat her in combat. . .
Since Mousse was a man of the Joketsuzoku amazons
and a former pursuer of
Shampoo. . .it would make a welcome of the match
less then likely. She did
then-->than
not even want to think of how her teacher might
react. . .
Mylee sighed, picking up the ramen and carrying it
back to the table.
He might not be the strongest of men, but it was
hard to find a man that
could beat you after you reached the level Mylee
had. Shampoo was lucky she
had not trained outside of the Amazon ways as Mylee
had. She had found a man
to best her, but in all her traveling, Mylee had yet
to find hers.
Much to the disappointment of her teacher. He would
be furious when he found
out Mousse had not beaten her. If only she could
find a way to marry Mousse
before her master followed her here from China. . .
You might want to mention why her master will follow
her. Has she been away for too long already? Does she
think she's going to be away long enough for her
master to get impatient?
Mylee shook her head to clear it, setting down the
ramen in front of the
customer. It did not matter any longer if a man
bested her in battle. Mousse
was a kind man, and he would be a good and obedient
husband.
Mylee watched Mousse bus the tables, the sun
streaming through the window
shown off his glasses and she smiled. . . No, that
battle was not important.
Mylee glanced back at Shampoo, cooking ramen in the
kitchen. A dark shadow
fell over her, only a strip of light illuminating
her eyes. A few confused
customers looked around for the source of the sudden
shadow. . .
But this battle was.
* * *
Ranma Saotome�s eyes narrowed as he looked out over
Nerima from his perch on
the Tendo Dojo roof. This couldn�t be happening to
him. . .
Ranma must be loosing his edge . . .
Ranma growled, and shot to his feet. NO! He was not
loosing his edge! He
would prove it to them all!
And with that Ranma Saotome set out for the Cat
Caf�, determination in his
blue eyes.
This seems a lot like another story. One by Rumiko
Takahashi as a matter of fact. You might want to
switch to a different angle in this, as it resembles
the Reversal Jewel arc a little too much.
"WHY THE DUCK??!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Next up: Back and Bad! Pantyhose Tarou Returns!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is actually interesting. I'd like to see more of
what you mentioned earlier, though.
What exactly happened with Shampoo and Mylee's fight?
Why did she come to Japan? You make it sound like it
was what she had in mind, and in the end she kind of
throws it away. You kind of alluded to that they were
going to have a battle in the future, but you haven't
really given much of a reason for their not having
duked it out already.
=====
-----
L.A.
-----
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