Mr. Ryoga P Hibiki was kind enough to C&C my work, and posted his
comments to the list as well. So I am making my replies to his C&C
public as well. If you would not like me to respond to your C&C on list
please tell me before hand. Feel free to respond to my C&C of his C&C
if you like (re-reads last sentence and shakes head), anyway on with the
show . . . [does a little dance off stage - a'la snaggle'puss]
"Exiiiiit, stage left eeeeveeeeen"
You've got a good fic here, I enjoyed it, but it does have a few
little
tiny things that caught my attention. First off, when exactly is this
during the story?
I honestly have no idea, any suggestions? I just kind of started, all
the regualr characters have been introduced, so around then. ^_^
life-time of training, it was enough to wake him instantly.
Sitting bolt upright, his eyes snapped open, his hands up in a
defensive position, and his heart beat wildly as his still groggy
mind and eyes scanned the room for the unknown threat.
Tell that to Ryoga, he tried to wake Ranma up in one of the early
Takabon stories, volume one I beleive. He even tried to beat him up
and
screamed in Ranma's ear and it didn't rouse him. It took Genma
throwing
him out the window and into the koi to wake him. It's hinted heavily
in
the manga that Ranma is not a light sleeper. You need something bigger
to
wake the martial artist up.
I was aware of that, but chose to ignore/change it. Mostly because I
thought Takahashi-Sama did that for the comedy value. Should I re-write
the scene? Suggestions?
With a self satisfied grin on his face, Ranma turned and leapt the
few meters from his spot to his customary seat at the table, next
to Akane.
I've never seen any indication that Ranma can do something like this,
is
this later in the manga? Perhaps after the Umisenken storyline? The
Cat
Fist might be able to, but it's a relatively small divergence.
I may be wrong but I think you were referring to his jumping? If so,
they can (and do) leap all over the damn place in the Anime, that is
what I based their athletic capabilities on. If you mean the chop he
did, yeah well . . . I used by artistic license [flashes home made
badge] Should I rewrite? Again suggestions welcome
Silent as a ninja, Ranma practiced his stealth as he slinked
down
the hallway.
I'll take this as a yes to the Umisenken story, I've never seen Ranma
giving any indication he practiced stealth before then, he's a Martial
artist and he wouldn't need it; or want it for that matter.
I just kind of made that up, I am not very up to date on my manga. The
whole stealth thing will come in handy later in the story, everyone
could benefit from being a little quieter, think of the traffic fixes
alone [eyes do wide-eyed-stary-thinger. woooow]
Actually Akane is a pretty violent sleeper, see the story where
Happosai
tries to dress up like P-chan and get into bed with her. She beats the
crap out of him in her sleep and Ryoga comments that she's "Calmer
than
usual."
touch�. Hmm, well maybe today she was so tired that she couldn't even
move? Should I rewrite? Again suggestions welcome.
The same code of honor that would keep him from practicing Ninjitsu.
Ranma practises the Anything goes style true, but I doubt if he would
actively train as a Shinobi would on a whim. If he was challenged by
one
maybe. Perhaps he started because of Konatsu or Sasuke? I doubt it
though, because Sasuke is no challenge and Konatsu actually likes him.
A
Martial artist's and Shinobi's methods and motivation would clash too
much.
yeah well, i really dont know all THAT much about shinobi, I mean yeah i
have a history of china and japan text book, and various other research
books for my asian studies classes, but they dont have a lot of info on
ninja ya know. . . i just called it ninjitsu arbitrarily for lack of a
better name ["it" being the act of sneaking around], i have no
intentions of trainging ranma in the ways of the assassians. I just
want him to have, "sneaky feet, creepy feet, ninja feet." ^_^ Feel
free to smack me upside the head and straighten me out.
In most cannon the Dojo is shown in good if not pristiene condition.
It's Soun Tendo's legacy, lively hood,[That one is questionable] and
pride, he would repair any damage done to it with more than just a
quick
patch up job.
it is more than a quick patch up job, but since the dojo is unpainted (I
think) the newer wood shows through.
> > "Um A-Akane?" He voiced hesitantly.
"Y-Yes..." she answered.
Smacking himself mentally, Ranma forced the words out in a rush,
"Wouldyouliketogopracticewithme?"
Why so nervous? Akane uses Ranma as a punching bag all the time, there
are a few scenes where he's training with her in several places in the
Anime and Manga. She just get's frustrated because he won't fight
back.
but he is ASKING her to spend time with him, the act which they perform
during said time is irrelevent.
"I think that that is the first time Ranma has ever touched me,
without it being absolutely necessary." She was reeling.
Untrue, Ranma and Akane are shown doing various things together. He
pat's her on the back and acts friendly with her most of the time. He
just doesn't know when to quit and keep quiet. His tactlessness is
what
get's him in trouble most of the time with her.
touch�, shall we say romantic touch then? and change rubbing motions to
caress?
"I have got to ask her where the hell she keeps that thing someday,"
he thought wryly.
The same place Mousse keeps his. A fanfic convention that gets on my
nerves, Akane doesn't use a mallet that much. Usually she just hits
him.
true, but it IS funny (sometimes) and in the defense of the convention
(i honestly don't know why I am typing this, this is the kind of
material you get out of me when I am tired . . . anyway) Akane has used
mallets a number of times in the anime/manga, enough times for it to
stick in a few writers heads, hence the convention. That's my sad sad
little story and i'm sticking with it.
"She really does have a kind of grace when doing this kind of
stuff." He thought. Finally they reached the end of the kata, and
Ranma went to the north wall and sat down against it,
I can accept this given the context of the fic, a more cannon approach
would be Akane screwing it up badly and getting angry. She's a clutz,
but
she can learn it. Just not immediately like depicted here. It took her
a
little while to get the hang of the gymnastics stuff Ranma helped her
train in. [And then she hurt herself anyway.]
good point, I will rewrite that scene, that is a glaring error on my
part
and stop his constant dodging. But Ranma's training had conditioned
him to accept pain, and while a few of her techniques were actually
connecting now, he refused to use even 1/4 of his full speed or
power against a girl, especially THIS girl. Akane was starting to
get angry now.
Waaayyy OOC here, I suppose he's just trying to be nice, but Ranma in
the manga seems to be deathly afraid of even accidentally harming
Akane
in training.
well yes and no, he is not really even touching her, just feigning
attacks and dodging, but I suppose I could write it to be a lot clearer.
She couldn't help it.
"Why does he do this to me? Why won't he treat me like an
equal?
Because she isn't and she knows it.
true, but that takes all the fun out of making her realize that. . .
Why can't he just ignore that I am a girl for once?" Starting to
glow
a slight red, Akane launched a suicide attack at Ranma, aimed right
at
his head.
Actually I think that's the exact opposite of what Akane wants from
Ranma, but it works here.
touch�, I should have said fianc�, and not girl, my bad
Showing her his eyes, which at the moment were filled
with
something that was confusing the hell out of Akane. She didn't know
how to deal with this Ranma! This Ranma was kind and sensitive
and very patient with her. He wasn't behaving like he was supposed
to!
RAAANNNMMAAA! What have you done! I know you did something cause
you're
being so nice to me!
and thus the premise of this series is discovered, Ranma has gotten a
clue? Nah couldn't be.
Akane however noticed the position of the sun, and the fear of
someone walking in on them overpowered her desire to lay on Ranma
all day. Gently she rolled off of him, and sat facing him. "Ranma
I..."
Genma and Soun seem to be pretty early risers in the Manga, both
appear
to wake up before any of the younger children. Kasumi has to wake up
early so she can cook breakfast.
and Ran-akan are up before any of em, so neeeeeh [pulls down one lower
eyelid and sticks out tongue] Hows that for immature ^_^
Most of what's wrong with this falls under characterization. A few
stories you either forgot about, never read, or decided to ignore.
Like I
said earlier it's a good fic and I think I'm going to enjoy reading
the
rest of it. I like the pace you've given Ranma and Akane's romance, a
lot
of fics rush it and try to get the pair madly in love, and have them
getting along like newlyweds in a chapter or two.
A LOT of stories I have never read, and the others I ignored, I am funny
like that. Have fun with the other chapters gentle readers!
Respect,
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