Hey, DB. I was going to do this earlier, but my server cut out just after I
posted C&C to Vince's Centaur.
As always, all C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
DB Sommer wrote:
"Well, now that we've destroyed the evil undersea monster and freed the
population of the planet that was held in thrall by it, what do you want to
do?"
When I first read this, it confused me into thinking this was Aeka speaking
here. Might want to consider adding 'Ryoko asked'.
"Burn all of my clothing. I still smell like seafood. And if you make even
one passing reference about the smell of parts of my anatomy in relation to
that, I will have Azaka and Kamadaki hold you in a forcefield from now
until the day you die."
"The thought never crossed my mind, Princess."
This comment really reminded me of the great Han Solo/Princess Leia exchanges.
"Miya miya."
"No, Ryo-Ohki. I don't feel like eating any fried 'Dweller of the Deep'.
Thank you anyway."
"But a couple of barbecued skewers of Royal Princess would be nice." :)
Lacking any desire for another sparring match, Ryouko let the subject drop
as well. After being declared eternal heroes by the freed population, and
having several statues dedicated to themselves erected, Aeka and Ryouko had
"Darn," Ryoko muttered. "Now that's one more planet that I can't plunder
anymore." :)
Ryouko lacked Aeka's blind faith. "They're getting ready to leave. I doubt
if their going to stop."
'they're going to stop'
Ryouko snorted in derision. "I've got news for you, your highness. Most
people don't really give a damn who's running the Empire, let alone that
some junior member of the royalty feels like trying to strut her stuff. I
know I sure as heck wouldn't stop."
"I'd blast you out of space instead." :)
Aeka smirked in the way only those that had been treated as royalty all of
their life could. "I told you so." The smirk stayed right where it was as
the other ship approached.
The smirk irritated Ryouko enough that she considered making some cutting
comment about Aeka's figure, but with some effort, she restrained herself
... and decided to comment on her lack of intellect instead. :)
The giant spaceship drew closer until it filled the main viewscreen. Over
the Ryo-Ohki's loudspeaker, a gravely voice said, "Repent your numerous
sins and prepare for death, royal scum."
'gravelly' since 'gravely' means seriously.
"The area's secure." Malgaunt holstered his sidearm as he examined
Stargrave closely. The man hadn't moved since he spotted Ariana's body.
The words seemed to bring a return to Stargrave's awareness as he moved
'a return of'
His thoughts turned to the woman herself. Stargrave had known Ariana was
interested in him, but had never accepted her offers of the flesh.
"How would you like my hand, Sa'bre - roasted or raw?" :)
He had
been satisfied with the current nature of their relationship, and that sort
Current nature? Does that mean Sa'bre is a necrophiliac? I never would have
guessed. :)
Suggest: 'platonic nature' instead.
"One way or another, I think it's going to end soon," Stargrave said.
Darn. Guess my estimate of three to four more chapters was wrong - you're going
to kill off the last four in this chapter. :)
"One way or another," Funuyaki finally broke her silence as she agreed with
a smile.
"We have to hurry!" Tenchi insisted as he and Mihoshi pulled the
anti-gravity sled. In the early hours of the morning they had set out
quickly as they could in order to try to outrun whomever else was pursuing
them, and Tenchi was certain there were more. After Mihoshi had explained
to him what the flower was (twice, for Tenchi had thought for certain that
she was wrong about it being so devastating), he had become more determined
than ever to see to it that the Shihana did not fall into the wrong
peoples' hands. He could not fail. Entire races, possibly even Earth's,
Suggest: 'wrong hands' and 'Entire races, possibly even humans,'
Seeing Tenchi trying so hard, and running the risk of throwing out his
back, Mihoshi reexamined the still smoldering heap of metal. "Well, I could
try to fix it by rerouting some of the power cables." Her voice held no
real hope. There was virtually no way a simple reroute would supply
sufficient energy to power the sled, but she couldn't stand the idea of
standing by while Tenchi risked hurting himself in his futile efforts.
Suggest: 'she couldn't just stand by while Tenchi risked' to avoid repeat use
of stand
A continuous series of voices ran through Stargrave's mind: Autolycus's
warnings. Ariana's devotions. Fera's fearless acceptance of any risks.
Yoost's various complaints. Pupei's continuous frustration at his inability
Suggest: 'Ariana's devotion' since 'devotions' implies prayer. :)
And who is Yoost? Must have been a minor character.
to control his anger. It was remarkable how he had taken his crew for
granted so easily. While it was true that not everyone he knew was dead,
Suggest: 'how easily he had taken his crew for granted.'
not even everyone close to him, still it seemed too many familiar voices
were now silenced and would never be heard from again. The whole situation
felt almost exactly as Autolycus had said: it was all a waste.
That wasn't true, of course. They were playing for the greatest stakes of
all: Galactic Domination. The risks were great, regardless of how
"Yes! Coming soon from Toyco: Galactic Domination the Boardgame! With plastic
models of all the main Tenchi cast! Reserve your order now!"
Still, there was a part of Stargrave's mind that clung to hope. If the
person that was traveling with Mihoshi was what Stargrave thought he was,
perhaps a deal could be struck. It might be something of a longshot, but he
found himself wanting to take the chance. It would be comforting to know he
was not the only one of his kind in the universe. For all of his hate to
sustain him against the Jurai, and specifically the emperor, there were
occasions where loneliness was a companion as well.
Suggest: 'For all that his hate sustained him...'
"We'll emerge slowly from the trees, just to make sure they don't get
trigger happy and shoot us before identifying us. After we're safely in the
clearing, I'll take charge and draw their attention while the two of you
move into position. Onita, stand off to the side so you don't look
suspicious. Funuyaki, move close to the boy so that you can get off a quick
shot. Make certain you are in-between him and the Shihana. I don't want to
take a chance of your shot going through him and hitting that field. Make
certain you're close enough to not miss. He's incredibly dangerous and you
need to take him out before he knows what's going on. You may very well
only get one shot, and if you fail, it might be the end for us all. The
signal to open fire will be 'Nice job, Officer'. Onita, you're backup. If
Funuyaki doesn't drop him in the first shot, you finish him. And make
certain you're not in line with the Shihana either. Leave Mihoshi to me.
I'll maneuver her away from the plant and take care of her personally. With
"I've always wanted to come to 'grips' with Officer Mihoshi," Malgaunt
sniggered. :)
"I'd like to circle around behind the group," Stargrave said. "Just in case
something goes wrong, I can attack from the opposite direction. After all,
with what we know of the boy, you might need it."
"You seem to know something about him," Funuyaki said, 'Just how dangerous
is he?"
Should be an opening quote mark instead of '
Funuyaki stared at the man suspiciously. There was something in the way he
said that that put her on edge. Still, it was too late to back out of the
plan now. "My thanks," she said simply and waited to see what his response
was.
It consisted of nothing more than a bow to all of them before moving
quietly into the underbrush and out of sight. Malgaunt gave him a five
Suggest: 'He merely bowed to all of them...' and perhaps moving the sentence to
the end of the previous paragraph.
minute head start. As he rose to a standing position, he straightened out
his outfit as best he could, considering the abuse it had taken in the last
few days. That was the one hole he was aware of in his plan. If Mihoshi
examined his and the others' outfits closely, it would show that they had
not just come down from a rescue ship as Malgaunt would explain. However,
even if she was suspicious, he was her Marshal, and Mihoshi was an obedient
officer. He was above reproach. She would obey him right up until the
moment she died. Perhaps he would even issue that order right after he gave
Funuyaki the signal to open fire.
"Officer Mihoshi! Your final orders are to perish in the line of duty!" :)
Again Malgaunt found himself completely at a loss. He had suffered from
more surprises in the last five days than he had in the last five years. It
defied possibility, yet not only had his perfect plan been ruined within
the first few seconds he had executed it, but again he found himself
confronted with a situation that he had completely failed to anticipate.
Dammit, Malgaunt thought furiously, his mother had been right - he should have
gone into medicine instead. :)
Racing at unbelievable speeds, Malgaunt's mind evaluated the situation.
All of a sudden it overheated and Malgaunt fell over, dead from a brain
seizure. :)
There had to be some way out. He just needed to keep Mihoshi talking until
he could figure out how. "I think you're being a bit judgmental, my dear."
He drew out the phrase slowly, trying buy as much time as he could.
Malgaunt's eyes scanned over everything. He watched as Tenchi drew closer
to Mihoshi, almost as though he would protect her from harm. That subtle
Suggest: 'obviously intending to protect her from harm.'
Malgaunt stiffened as every other thought was driven from his mind. Through
gritted teeth, he growled, "Just what do you think you're doing,
Lieutenant?"
Funuyaki took a step back so she could bring her gun to bear on Onita,
should he make any sudden movements. "What I should have done from the
beginning. This farce is over. You're going to jail forever, you bastard."
Heh. Nice lead up to this surprise.
"Why you," Onita started to growl until he found the barrel of the pistol
swung in his direction for a moment before it was brought to bear on
Malgaunt again. The message was clear to Onita: I'm fast enough to shoot
you before you draw your gun, so don't even think about it. The large man
remained where he was, but remained tense and ready, continuing looking for
any possible openings he could exploit
'continuing to look for'
The sudden turn of events confused Mihoshi for a moment; one of the
criminals wasn't acting like a criminal anymore. Training began to take
Square peg, round hole, square peg, round hole... Nooooo, Mihoshi cried out
mentally. It doesn't fit! :)
"I can't do that at the moment," Funuyaki said as she kept the pistol
pointed at the back of Malgaunt's head. All the man would need was a split
second to draw his gun. She couldn't take her eyes off him for more than
the length of a breath. "Stargrave, come on out! I know you're out there,
and unarmed! Give up!"
"Sa'bre Stargrave, come on down! You're our new contestant on Galactic Price is
Right!" :)
Funuyaki surprised herself by laughing, a deep, rich laugh. She wasn't sure
if it was at herself or Malgaunt. "Do you really think that makes a damn
bit of difference to me anymore? You're so ridiculously stupid. All caught
up in your belief that you know how everything works and how everyone feels
that you think you're so fucking perfect that you can't tell when things
are really falling apart all around you."
That's the true benefit of ignorance: you never know when to give up. :)
No apology came. Funuyaki's eyes began to tear and her voice trembled as
she spoke. "You bastard. You honestly think you know me? I may be a lot of
things. I'm a thief. I'm a liar. I'm a backstabbing traitor. I'm a killer
that's gunned down innocent people. I'm worse than the scum I bring in
because at least criminals can be honest about what sort of shit they are
instead of hiding behind a badge like me. But even as low and as rotten to
"I'm a guilt-ridden, self-pitying bitch?" :)
Honestly, I think this bit is a little much on Funuyaki's part. You might want
to consider cutting it down.
"Let me handle this," Stargrave said to Malgaunt's back.
Malgaunt cast a glance over his shoulder. "Are you sure you want to?"
"You've had you shot, now it's my turn." He took another step towards
Funuyaki.
'your shot'
"That's my line," Mihoshi said, now keeping her gun mostly on Funuyaki.
Since she was the only one with a weapon drawn, she was the most dangerous.
Or at least that was the way it seemed. There was something about Stargrave
that was disturbing her, and she had to fight back the urge to point her
gun at him.
Stargrave did as he was told, holding his hands before him rather than
above his head, allowing Funuyaki to see there was nothing in either of
them. But the smile he gave her was that of someone who had his prey right
where he wanted.
"FIREBALL!!" :)
"Nice shot. It's a pity things didn't work out. In hindsight, I think we
could have been friends. Good bye now," Stargrave's brow furrowed again and
one of the rectangles shot forward.
Funuyaki continued firing at the rectangle, all the while knowing it would
do no good. As when she had refused Autolycus's offer, she felt relieved
You know, I felt like shouting: "Dodge out of the way! Then shoot at Sa'bre!"
But now there was something else to consider. Stargrave could somehow wield
the light hawk wings. Again Mihoshi was uncertain of what to do next. There
was nothing she could to overpower them. And wasn't Tenchi supposed to be
the only one that could use them?
'nothing she could do to'
Funuyaki's death served to snap Tenchi out of his own reverie as well. He
felt power well up within him as he looked at Stargrave in shock. "How is
it you can do that?"
Suggest: "How can you do that?"
It took Stargrave a moment to bring his emotions under control. At last he
answered Tenchi. "I thought it would be obvious. Since it's quite clear
you're not Yosho, and you're certainly not Azusa," he spat the name out
contemptuously. "you must be a royal bastard, like myself."
Yup, what I thought. It was a surprise, though I found myself wondering last
chapter just how Stargrave would control the Jurai treeship offered by
Autolycus.
"Bastard?" Tenchi asked, wondering why the man before him would think
something as odd as that.
Stargrave looked at Tenchi in surprise. "You don't know you're own family
history? Don't you know who your father was? Hasn't the power of the light
hawk wings cried out to you the obvious, that you are of the direct
bloodline of the Emperor himself?"
"Of course I know that," Tenchi said.
Stargrave became anxious. "Then you understand what you are. And since
you're like me, and have the same dark cloud of death hanging over you
should the truth become known, you should join me. Join me and we will
conquer those thrice damned Juraians and rule the remains of their empire
together, as is our bloodright." Stargrave held out his hand and waited for
Tenchi to accept.
"What are you talking about?!" Tenchi didn't like what the man seemed to be
implying, but what he liked even less was that a part of him felt some sort
of kinship with Sa'bre, and did want to accept the hand of the man that had
just killed the woman. It was the power. It was affecting him somehow.
Stargrave saw the repulsion on Tenchi's face and withdrew his hand. "Allow
me to explain to you who I am. What I am. Why I'm doing this. Why I have to
do this. Perhaps then you'll understand why you have to accept my proposal.
"My name is Sa'bre Star..." he stopped abruptly, shook his head, and gave a
half-hearted smile. "It has been so long since I've used my real name I
almost forgot what it was. My name is Sa'bre Masamoto. Son of Allegra
Masamoto and Azusa the First, Emperor of Jurai."
"You're lying," Tenchi said. Shortly after first meeting his
great-grandfather, Yosho had informed Tenchi of his own family history.
There were no Allegras or Sa'bres in it, only the members Tenchi had
already met. There was only one possibility left, and surely the Emperor
would never have betrayed his great-grandmother or Misaki like that. It had
to be a lie.
Sa'bre's gave a chuckle. "You'd be amazed at how many people come up to me
and say I have a strong resemblance to the Emperor, and they don't even
have the faintest idea of exactly why that is."
Tenchi looked deep into his eyes and at once understood. They were his
great-grandfather's eyes looking at him.
His grandfather's eyes.
Tenchi's eyes.
And what about his mother? :)
All of them the same.
Sensing Tenchi now understood and accepted the truth, Sa'bre continued.
"Only two people, a being named Autolycus and Marshal Malgaunt here, know
the truth of my ancestry. And now you'll know the truth too. I'm willing to
tell you this as a show of trust, and perhaps you'll see why we should join
together. We have so much more to lose if we should find ourselves working
at cross purposes. In all of the universe, we're unique. It would be a
shame if there would be only one of us left after today. So listen well,
and understand.
"Some thirty-five years ago, my mother was employed as a bathing attendant
at the Imperial Palace on Jurai. She was young and very beautiful. It was
small surprise that one day she caught the eye of the Emperor himself. He
seduced her and made love to her in the very chamber in which she worked."
"He wouldn't do that!" Tenchi protested.
Sa'bre gave a laugh bereft of anything other than bitterness. "Believe me,
boy, Azusa's appetite for women is every bit voracious as the rumors say.
Even two wives are not enough to satiate him. My mother was aware of close
to a half-dozen other women he had slept with before and after his escapade
with her, although she said he always made certain his wives were
off-planet. He was very discreet about the affairs, lest he incur the wrath
of the Inspector General of Information and the Commander of the Royal
Bodyguard. Tradition might say he can have however many women he wants, but
Hmm. More likely the wrath of his wives. :)
his wives have evidently seen to it he answers to a higher power as well.
Themselves. :)
"Don't try to lie to me. You know what you are. You wield the light hawk
wings, the same as me. The only acknowledged son of Azusa is Yosho, and
he's been missing for centuries after chasing the space pirate Ryouko. He
must be long dead by now, for if he had survived, he would have returned to
his seat of power at the Emperor's side. It's just as well. If he had
survived, I would have had to kill him too for being given without a
thought that which I could never have. Despite both of us being the same,
both of us being our father's sons, Yosho would have had everything while I
would have only been granted death. I could never have tolerated his
existence.
Actually, I get the feeling that Yosho left the Court of Jurai to escape the
stigma of being half-human, but that might just be a fanfic convention.
"But now I find myself not alone. Somehow, another bastard has survived the
Emperor's long reach. No longer are you alone either, for now we have each
other. I mean what I say. Please, join me. All that you could possibly want
will be yours. All you have to do is take my hand." Once again Sa'bre held
his hand out towards Tenchi.
"It is true," Sa'bre intoned, breathing stentoriously, "You are my
grand-nephew. Take my hand, nephew, and together we shall overthrow the
Emperor. Then we shall rule over the Empire as uncle and nephew." The hiss of
his air regulator was loud in the silence. :)
Sa'bre looked deeply into Tenchi's eyes, then hope faded from his own.
"It's not the same thing. If you had traveled the same path I had, you'd
understand. But I can see that you're never going to believe that. I
suppose that makes us enemies. How sad. It would have been nice to have a
brother, or grand nephew if what you say is true, I suppose."
"So what do we do now?" Tenchi asked, knowing just like Sa'bre that words
would be wasted. His granduncle was like an open book to him. Perhaps they
were very similar after all.
'grand-uncle' and 'grand-nephew'
"He's right," Tenchi agreed. He knew what was coming. Just as Sa'bre could
see it in his eyes, so could he look in and see Sa'bre's soul. Two dreams
had met and clashed. Only one could survive. The matter was going to be
There can only be one! :)
As one, two of each of the duelist's wings went into motion, flowing over
each of the men that had created them. As they moved down each of their
forms, the material of their outfits changed into nearly identical versions
of Juraian Royal Combat Uniforms. The only real differences between the two
Suggest: 'Jurai Battle Armour' or some such; 'Combat Uniforms' sounds, well,
uncool. :)
were that Sa'bre's uniform carried more black along the arms, legs, and
chest, and that instead of the white puff balls that adorned Tenchi's
uniform, stylized gold snakes intertwining with one another had formed on
Sa'bre's. The number and location of the snakes did exactly correlate with
the ones' on Tenchi's outfit, making the decorations seem more alike than
different.
Hmm. I almost expected the 'Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku' to start playing here. :)
In the moment of calm before the duo closed again, Sa'bre considered that
his newfound sorrow might have had to do with some deep seated need to be
accept by a member of his family. In the past, he would have openly scoffed
'accepted by'
Sa'bre was taken aback by the result. He had never realized before that
with the power of the light hawk wings filling him, pure energy had
replaced his blood, and perhaps other things a well. How deep did the
changes go? On how deep a level did they occur? Were they no longer even
human?
Interesting concept: they become pure energy forms.
It was as his own blade was no more than a foot away from Tenchi that
Sa'bre realized the depths of his mistake. In going for the opening on
Tenchi, and the nature of the boy's attack, Sa'bre was also leaving himself
wide open from a strike from Tenchi. There was no doubt in the pirate's
mind that he would be able to run Tenchi through, but there was just as
little doubt that he would be unable to avoid Tenchi's own last,
retaliatory blow. Sa'bre wouldn't even be able to move enough to keep the
thrust from being fatal.
Heh. Playing chicken with swords. :)
As the last word left his lips, Sa'bre felt his corporeal form begin to
finally dissolve. Everything that made up the unique creature that he had
once been was being summoned elsewhere. As conscious though began to cease
to exist, he found himself hoping that he would get to see Ariana and his
mother again.
'As his conscious thoughts...'?
Instead of coming straight up from behind the Shihana, there was a pause.
Malgaunt wondered if Mihoshi had even heard him when he caught the sound of
an odd mechanical click come from somewhere behind the orb. Panic began to
tear at the edges of Malgaunt's composure. In another second, Mihoshi's gun
came upwards and into view, the barrel aimed directly at the stasis field
of the Shihana. Mihoshi then came into sight as she rose upward, keeping
the gun pointed right were it was.
That ended any thoughts of trying to risk a shot at Mihoshi. He could see
the tension in her trigger finger. There was no way he could get a shot off
without her firing into the stasis field. Likewise, there was no way she
could risk a shot at Malgaunt without him shooting Tenchi. A classic
Juraian Standoff.
Then Mihoshi's finger slipped on the trigger. "Ooopsie," she blurted out, with
an expression on her face that would have been greatly familiar to a
long-suffering Washu.
It took five point three seconds for them to die. :)
Malgaunt couldn't believe his luck. What a naive fool Mihoshi was. She must
have been even more burned out than he had heard if she was stupid enough
to go through with this duel. Whereas it was true he was more than quick
Man, the guy never learns. :)
Malgaunt fell to his knees, his chest going numb. His gaze at Mihoshi was
one of disbelief. Of all the things that had happened to him on this
journey, of all the surprises, even Funuyaki's bitter betrayal, this was
the one he had anticipated least. "You cheated before I did."
Heheheh. :)
She looked down at the small, nickel-sized, blackened hole in her uniform,
located about an inch to the left of her sternum. That was the nice things
about lasers. They cauterized the wound they made, and there was only a
minimal amount of bleeding, if any. That meant she wouldn't have to worry
about getting rid of the blood stains when she clea-
Well, the uniform needed a thorough wash after last night, anyway. :)
"NOOO!" Tenchi cried out as Mihoshi's eyes closed and she fell limply to
the ground.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm afraid I'm still studying the art of the cliffhanger. Hope you don't
mind.
Not at all. I use them frequently myself. :)
Nice chapter. Fine pacing, good dueling scenes. But Stargrave died! And after
you gave him all that background too. Well, just the epilogue to go then.
Hope this helps.
Phil.