Wheee! Chiron rides again. :)
As always, all C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
Vincent Seifert wrote:
Chapter 2.5: The Pineapples of Defeat
Helloooo, Principcal Kuno. :)
"What's the big deal about Furinkan? It's not like they
have much of a martial arts rhythmic gymnastics team...." Ranma
And I dare you to say 'martial arts rhythmic gymnastics team' ten times,
really quickly.
"Well, of course they'll talk," Ranma said, smirking.
"That's what girls DO, mostly."
"They'll tell our schoolmates that you're really a guy!"
Ranma's smirk disappeared faster than a spooked lizard.
Leaving behind a tale, I gather? :)
"What?!"
"Didn't you say Kasumi told you that we shouldn't do it in
the furo?"
Hmm. I think the 'that' might be superfluous there, and it seemed to sound
better without it when I spoke the sentence out loud.
A smile crept onto Kodachi's lips. "Oh, I don't know," she
said lightly. She swept her gaze over her team, practicing
without much enthusiasm, then returned it to Akane. "My poor
colleagues are still broken in spirit from their crushing
defeat."
The flesh is willing, but the spirit meek? :)
Akane dithered for a moment, torn. "All right," she said
finally, and dashed off.
Smiling, Kodachi watched her go. *So. They want something
from me again. Excellent.*
"Now where are my Nabiki Tendo 'Extortion for Amateurs' tapes?"
"You have no idea how nice I can be, Ranma-sama...."
"Not gonna find out, either," Ranma muttered.
*Maybe I can talk Akane into a threesome....* :)
"So, you
wanted me to ask you to take the match. Well, I'm askin'."
Seems like an extra space in front of the 'Well...'
"Oh, Ranma-sama, how wonderfully domesticated you are!"
Kodachi exclaimed.
Ranma, crouching to leap down the bleachers, froze. "Say
what?" she demanded, turning to face Kodachi again.
'leap down from the bleachers'? Not grammatically necessary but seems to read
better.
"Now wait just a damn minute! I can make up my own mind!"
Kodachi smiled like a snake and struck. "Then you'll come
tonight?"
*Oh, so easy. The 2000 yen was well worth it for those tapes.* :)
"Kodachi said she wanted me to come over to talk her into
taking the match," Ranma said. "I was gonna check with you, but
then she said I was... domesticated."
Akane almost snickered at the sudden image of Ranma wearing
a saddle and bridle, but managed to turn it into a snort.
"Domesticated? You? Nonsense."
*Yup. Those Jurai bridal training tapes really do show their stuff. Have to
ask Aeka for the latest one.* :)
Akane sighed noisily and ran her fingers through her bangs.
"Ranma, I'm having a hard time keeping myself from pounding you
flat, screaming at you, and chaining you to the floor--"
"I swore I'd get you back for the time you chained me up in the Martial Arts
Badminton Tournement. And I spend all my money on the thickest links, too." :)
Ranma eyed the seats available in the cozy room: a long
couch and a shorter couch, but no chairs. He sat at one end of
"Oh, no, Ranma-sama. They're actually called 'love settees'." :)
Ranma grimaced. Even though she'd tied him to a bed,
paralyzed and wearing a towel, to be discovered tied to a bed
The second 'tied to a bed' seems out of place. In fact, the whole sentence
reads a little confusingly. You might want to consider rewording to clarify
things a little.
wearing a chain mail bikini was.... "Yeah, I guess so. Sorry
about that."
"It was the least I could do," Ranma muttered, looking at
the floor between his knees.
"Yes, or very close to it," Kodachi said in a slightly edged
voice. "I had hoped for so much more. I still do. A hug, a
kiss, to be swept up in transports of ecstacy...."
Freighters of love? :) Suggest: 'a rhapsody of bliss' if that's not too banal,
instead.
"I think you liked me then, a little. Those moments are
precious to me, and they redoubled my desire for you."
"I don't hate you, Kodachi," Ranma said uncomfortably. "I
just wish you'd quit pushin' at me."
"Or pressin' against me. Or rubbing against me. Oh wait, that's Shampoo." :)
"As I am now, you mean? I regret the necessity. But to one
who does not ask, the answer is never 'yes'. You know what I
want."
"Yeah. But it belongs to Akane. Sorry."
"Well, she can have it. I just want the rest of you." :)
"I had so hoped to be your first," Kodachi said with a
woeful sigh. "But I am willing, even eager, to be your second."
"Or even your third. But not your fourth." :)
Kodachi's eyes filled with tears, and her proud head
drooped. "Alas, I am rejected again," she said brokenly,
producing a handkerchief and dabbing at her eyes. She arose from
the couch, stepped around the coffee-table to the other couch,
and seated herself there. "Please stay for a while and console
me with conversation, Ranma-sama...."
"Sure," Ranma said, still quivering a little. "No harm in
that."
Guess he's never heard of phone sex then.
"Thank you. You're very kind. Perhaps you'd like some
refreshment?" Ranma noticed a covered platter on the end table
in the angle of the couches, along with a vase of flowers and a
tall Thermos bottle. Kodachi lifted the cover, revealing an
assortment of goodies Ranma remembered from his encounter with a
smorgasbord.
"Sure, thanks!" A moment later, he was munching happily.
Kodachi poured some coffee from the Thermos into a demitasse and
sipped. "Aren't you gonna have some?"
"I'm not hungry, Ranma-sama," Kodachi said.
Wouldn't she have taken an antidote beforehand to avoid arousing Ranma's
suspicions? Not that he has any, but still, this seems a little too trusting
on his behalf, especially after all the times Kodachi has tried to paralyze
him.
"No, I employed a very expensive and difficult-to-acquire
compound," Kodachi continued, examining her fingernails. "It
merely renders one... open to suggestion."
"Yet, the Kairaishi mushroom salesman was most happy to sell to me at a
discount. I wonder why?"
"You really don't want to leave, Ranma-sama." Kodachi's
silky voice sounded so reasonable, so compelling....
Ranma paused, frowning at his hand on the doorknob, then
straightened. "Don't want to leave," he murmured.
"Akane isn't the one you're looking for..." Kodachi said soothingly, making a
mystical pass with her fingers.
"Right. She isn't the one I'm looking for..."
"You'll come with me to the bedroom..." The old fool had been correct. It did
have a powerful effect on the weak of mind.
"Okay, I'll come with you to the bedroom..."
Grin. Sound familiar? :)
Ranma pivoted obediently. Kodachi's foot caught the vase on
the coffee table, knocking it into the air. A splash of cold
water laced with flowers fell on Ranma just as he kissed Kodachi.
~~~~~
Kuno Tatewaki, passing in the hallway, heard a sound to stir
the blood of any man: "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Heh. How apt. :)
"Enough," Ranma agreed.
"Hmm. On the other hand, this is a real opportunity," Akane
said, eyeing Ranma with speculation.
Aha! I knew there were latent Nabiki genes in her.
"You are a man of many talents, Ranma-sama; I hadn't known
that fortune-teller was among them." Kodachi paused. "Why are
you the one telling me this, and not your captain?"
'fortune-telling'
"So can I, Kodachi. I'm a girl, and smaller than you, so
I'm not the one who has to worry how this looks... and I really
don't like what you tried to do last night. It turned out OK, so
Suggest: 'okay'
"Good. Now I got students to work with. See ya later."
Ranma turned and walked back into the gymnasium, trying to ignore
the familar feeling that things hadn't turned out quite the way
she and Akane had planned.
'familiar' Wow, a spelling mistake. :)
"And you, Kuno-san," Hasegawa continued, wiping Kodachi's
smug smile off her face. "I'm surprised that you're willing to
accept the fruits of victory without earning them. You should
have known better than to agree to this."
"My apologies, Hasegawa-sensei," Kodachi managed.
Heh. Kodachi getting scolded when it isn't even her idea. :)
"Great," Akane complained on the way home. "All that for
nothing."
But Akane must be used to that feeling by now, after 38 Volumes. :)
"'Cause I want to be seen with you, you insensitive jerk!"
Akane burst out, flushing.
"Hey, makes sense to me," Ranma said easily. "Of course
you'd wanna be seen with a good-lookin' guy like me." She paused
and struck a masculine pose, complete with smoldering expression.
Hmm. 'smouldering expression' doesn't really strike me as a masculine
expression. Perhaps a different word instead?
On a small, curvy girl in a school uniform, though, it looked
pretty silly, and Akane was only able to contain the giggles for
a couple of seconds before they escaped. Ranma dropped the pose,
looking affronted.
"You egomaniac," Akane said fondly. "That's why I didn't
want to say it; I knew your head would get all swelled." She
"And it's another part of you that I'd rather have swollen." :)
"What do you think?" Akane asked, walking beside him clad,
like the others, in a warmup suit; Ranma wore his usual Chinese
garb.
Warmup suit? Is that a tracksuit?
"I gotta meet these guys," Michi said with enthusiasm.
"They seem really friendly!"
"That's one word for it," said Ranma wryly. "Yeah, you'd
get along like a house on fire." Smoke, flames, people running
around screaming, roofs collapsing....
Oh ho! This is a wonderful turn of phrase. :)
"SAOTOME!" A path cleared as though Ranma were Moses
parting the Red Sea and there stood Tatewaki Kuno, breathing
heavily and brandishing a bokken. "How is it that thou darest
show thy face here after my defeat of thee in epic combat?!"
Hmm. Isn't the parting due to Kuno, rather than Ranma? If so, then the
attribution should be to him.
Both looked disappointed. "We were really hoping to see you
in a St. Hebereke's uniform," Hiroshi said.
"What?! But you guys could've seen that any day - just hang outside the school
like all the perverts do."
"See? That is not the look of an unsatisfied wife," said
Hiroshi. "You know damn well they're talking about your, heh-
heh, performance."
Ranma Saotome, racing stallion? :)
Ranma covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head.
"Pathetic, I tell you. Here, gimme that, it's not gonna do you
any good." He grabbed the magazine from Hiroshi's unresisting
hand and walked off, thumbing through it. *Hmmm, 'Rate Yourself
As a Lover'... let's see here.*
Hehe. Displaying the characteristic male curiousity about women's magazines, I
see. :)
"Hands-on experience," Hiroshi said to Daisuke.
"Sounds like good advice to me," Daisuke agreed.
"Wait, what about my computer? Isn't that online stuff hands-on?" wondered
Daisuke.
"And there's a lot of cute girls here today."
"Cute girls who don't know us yet."
The two youths struck determined poses. "Sensei, we will
make you proud of us!"
"Whahahaha!" Happosai chuckled, suddenly appearing. "So you boys want girls
chasing after you, huh? Well, all you need to do is follow my lead."
"Gotcha. But her name is Saotome Ranma, right?"
Tatewaki scowled. "In sooth it is, though my soul shudders
under the strain of enduring the foul fact that she shares it
with thee--"
"Gimme a break. And she wears her hair just like mine,
right?"
"Even so, although the style suits her divine tresses far
better than it does thy mangy pelt--"
"But she's not me, right?"
"Dost thou take me for a fool?" Tatewaki fumed. "'Tis
impossible! Thou art male, though a knave rather than a true
man, and she is as fair a flower as has ever graced the name of
woman! Enough of thy japery!" He stalked away.
Ranma smiled at the girls and spread his hands. "There you
go."
*Wow! Kodachi was right. This Force thingie really does work.* :)
"I guess so," Tomoe admitted, still looking flummoxed by the
flood of florid speech. "Still, it's weird that you have the
same name."
Ranma shrugged. "My parents have done lots of weird
things." It was the first completely true thing he'd said in
several minutes, he reflected.
Actually, the only untrue thing he's said is that female-Ranma and himself
aren't the same person.
"Well, it's not like we saw you run out one door and saw
Ranma-kun run in another door wearing the same clothes," Miyoko
commented. "If that happened, we'd have to wonder."
What?! No dramatic clash of thunder? :)
"And now, the unveiling of the trophy for today's
competition, kindly provided by St. Hebereke's!" the PA speakers
crackled. Akane opened the box Sachiko held, ceremoniously
pulled out an athletic trophy, and held it up: a polished wooden
pedestal crowned by a golden--
P-chan? :)
Ranma's eyes bugged out. "Oh, shit! Akane!"
"What?" Akane looked up. Even over the murmurs from the
crowd, Ranma could almost hear the klaxon go off inside her head
as she identified the large, ornate pineapple surmounting the
trophy. "Oh-- dear!" She frantically looked around for the
principal, but she knew it was too late even before she spotted
him behind the Furinkan gymnasts.
Oh well, I was close. And pineapple does start with a P. :)
Daisuke landed somewhere in the third row. Hiroshi looked
reproachfully at Eriko. "He was just being nice. How come girls
get away with that and-- YIPE!" Hiroshi jumped in the air and
spun around.
Just watch Ally McBeal....
"What a contest!" Hinako said excitedly to Principal Kuno.
"I was so thrilled! Weren't you thrilled?"
This really calls for a comment, but it wouldn't be tasteful. :)
Hinako tried to dodge around Akane one way, then the other,
then tried a quick fake-out, but Akane managed to stay in her
path. "Akane-san, be a good girl! I have to punish her, in the
name of the lol-- of the principal!"
In the name of the good ship 'Lollipop'. :)
"The principal put you up to this?" Akane glanced at the
bleachers. Kuno waved his tropical drink at her happily. Hinako
took advantage of her momentary distraction.
Pina coladas?
"Yeah, I'll bet. Listen, Kodachi, we don't have much time."
Kodachi raised an incredulous eyebrow. "Exactly what did
you have in mind, Ranma-sama?" she inquired, eyeing Ranma's
feminine curves.
"So, you're into that, are you, Ranma-sama? Or is it that Akane doesn't like
to play with you in your female form?" Kodachi laughed lightly. "It doesn't
matter to me, I'll accept what she will not." *And in time, you'll come to
accept me as well.*
"You know what I want," Kodachi said seriously. "As all of
my efforts to that end have been in vain, though, I will try
something else. I leave my reward for this favor to your
conscience. Beware, however; should I feel that I have made a
poor bargain, I shall once again resort to drugs, bombs... and
perhaps even cows. Ohohoho!"
Cows???
"Where'd you get dat leotard, eh?" the principal asked
suspiciously. "Looks like one of Kodachi's, yeah! You mugged my
lil' wahine!"
"Get real," Ranma scoffed. "I just borrowed it from her."
"So THAT's what you were doing," Akane said. "I thought--"
She shut up quickly, blushing.
What? That Ranma would talk Kodachi into substituting? No, wait, that's a
reasonable explanation so it wouldn't occur to Akane. :)
"Yeep." With an I'm-going-to-regret-this look, Ranma held
up her hands just in time to snatch another pair of clubs out of
the air, proving that someone over by her own team's gear was
watching attentively. "OK, let's rumble."
"I assure you, Ranma-sama, I never 'rumble'," Kodachi
sniffed, pacing out onto the mat.
"No, 'rumbling' is for peasants. My stomach merely gurgles a little." :)
"All right, who are you and what have you done with Ranma?"
Akane asked suspiciously, but she was obviously having trouble
keeping a straight face.
"I'm the spirit of the Nyanniichuan, and I've taken Ranma
hostage," Ranma deadpanned.
Heh! Very funny.
All told, a very nice story. Read a little more Lois McMaster Bujold to pick
up further witty turns of phrase, Vince - I know you have the talent for it
and it seems to suit the story well. :)
Hope this helps.
Phil.