Well, this little piece caught my eye.
C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
David Homerick wrote:
The key slid into the lock and turned with a snap. Dr. Tofu pulled the
door open and was greeted with a whiff of musty air. I hadn't intended
to stay away for so long, he thought, surveying the interior of his
clinic. The dust was bad enough, coating cabinets and chairs and the
table where his patients lay to be manipulated, but there were also
cobwebs in the corners, and Tofu thought he smelled mildew as well. The
place would need a thorough scrubbing.
An excellent piece of descriptive prose that drew me into the story. I would
suggest 'treated' in place of 'manipulated' because the latter made me think of
some weird form of mental control or some such. :)
He left the door open to let air in and went off to fetch cleaning
supplies. When he returned, there was a girl standing in the center of
the room, turning her head curiously. She gave a guilty start as he
entered, and spun around wide-eyed.
"I'm not a delinquent!" she squealed. "The door was open!"
Nice first clue about her identity.
"I know," said Tofu mildly. "I opened it." He set his bags on the
table and considered his guest. She was tiny, and thin, just barely
into puberty. Twelve, he guessed, if not younger. A pretty child, but
Tofu thought she looked frail, as if she'd emerged from a long illness.
"I'm Dr. Tofu," he said, by way of introduction. "I'm a chiropracter."
'chiropractor'
I believe Tofu is his first name: his surname is Ono.
Tofu had spotted them at the store and had picked them up on a whim.
He usually kept candies around for young children and had thought the
tub would give the place an air of normalcy.
Suggest: 'normality' in place of 'normalcy'; just because it looks better, IMO. :)
Dr. Tofu began to sponge off the walls and furniture as Hinako watched
surreptitiously. He was handsome, she thought as she munched, and
polite and kind and not so very much older, certainly less than thirty,
and that really wasn't important at all.
Actually, I believe Hinako-sensei takes an active interest in Soun Tendo, though
I'm not entirely sure whether that is a fanfiction convention or not. Even so, it
doesn't really detract from the story due to the excellent storytelling. Just a
piece of trivia for you to be aware of.
"Happo-5-yen-satsu!" she cried, raising a coin and eyeing the two
through the hole. Ranma leaped away, but Ryoga, slower and less alert,
simply gaped as the fighting aura began to drain from him, focussed
through the coin and into his body. The familiar sensation of new
energy filled her, causing her body to grow and mature, opening up her
mind with new reserves of concentration and self-control, and allaying
the constant low-grade ki-craving for which sweets were a sadly
inadequate remedy. Ryoga collapsed onto his face. She turned towards
Ranma, but he was watching from a rooftop half a block down. Throwing
him a baleful look, Hinako turned on the ball of her foot and marched
back into the clinic.
Again, very nice descriptive writing, though the situation is a trifle cliche.
Dr. Tofu looked up as she entered. One of her students had quipped
that Hinako had an adult body in the same sense that bookstores had
adult magazines.
I trust she drained him for that comment? :)
It wasn't just that she was beautiful, or tall, or
curvaceous -- when her body was overfilled with ki, as it was now, she
compelled attention on an instinctive, biological level. Poor Dr. Tofu
never had a chance.
"Hello, there, ma'am," he said , suavely knocking himself on the head
Extra space before the comma.
with his broom. He laughed nervously. "How strange that we should meet
here, under these circumstances."
"Not really," Hinako said, nettled, then screamed as Tofu stuck the
Suggest: 'cried out' in place of 'screamed'
"Well?" prodded Hinako.
Tofu sighed. "It must have looked frightening," he said, "but it's
Extra space before the quotation marks.
"Hot," supplied Hinako.
"Well, yes, and ..."
"Incredibly sexy."
Heh.
"I suppose." Tofu turned one of the chairs upright and sat down
heavily. "I left my practice because I wanted to cure myself," he said,
speaking more to himself than Hinako, who was busy prizing more candies
Suggest: 'prising' though the dictionary makes no distinction.
Tofu sighed. "Hinako, you're a lovely young lady, and were I a small
boy, I would doubtless be tongue-tied and blushing in your presence.
But I amd not a small boy, and I'm afraid my tastes run towards women
'I am'
A good characterization story about two lesser known characters in the Ranmaverse.
Short, to the point, and filled with good prose. Nice piece of work. :)
Hope this helps.
Phil.