On Thu, 27 Jan 2000, Vincent Seifert wrote:
The finale of the Laos arc. ^_^ Comments and criticism, as always, eagerly
awaited.
Whee!
Apologies for the lateness of this reply - my account crashed and burned
for several days immediately after I posted this. -_-
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Pastpresent
by Susan Doenime
R1/2 characters and backstory are the creations and property of Takahashi
Rumiko. Used without permission. No challenge to copyrights should be
inferred or taken.
------------------------------------------------------------
Pastpresent homepage at: http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/pastpresent.html
As you may have gathered, son, on Takashi's
expeditions half the fun was in getting to the dig. Fun?
Excuse me. Half the suicidal danger, homicidal opponents,
and mind-numbing terror, I mean.
{There's a difference? :) }
Well, for them there is. ^_^
The fish were ignoring his line, but that was okay. It was
a nice enough day that actually catching fish was beside the
point.
{"Allah does not deduct from a man's allotted span those hours spent in
fishing." -- Proverb, probably invented by a tackle salesman. :) }
Probably. ^_^
And then a screaming, flaming, bouncing devil zoomed
past in a shower of churning water, hollering such devil-words
as "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIYEEEEETURNITOFFTURNITOFF
DAMNYOUTAKASHIIIIIII!"
When it had passed, Old Guh slowly blinked twice, nodded
in satisfaction, pulled his hat out of the river, and began to
scoop up the stunned fish floating atop the Mekong. He had
known it was too good to be true.
{Oh, lordy, I'm glad my ribs are better. :D }
We'll see if we can't bruise them by the end...
"I daresay we've, hmm, given Kuonji-san the slip," he said
proudly.
{"You gave him the whole damn lingerie store, you lunatic!"}
Hah! Good one.
"Yeah," Kiri mumbled, eyes still slightly unfocused. "What
incredible luck to run into an entire army bent on blowing us
and our boat to scrap metal. Couldn't have worked better if
we'd planned it."
"Oh, I did plan it," Takashi cheerfully told her. "Who do
you, hmm, think radioed them with our location?"
{ ! }
Well, to be fair, it did work. ^_^
Soun's hands twitched and curled. "And he is our
employer. It wouldn't be proper to throw him to the piranhas,
as tempting as the thought might be."
{Not an icthyologist, obviously. The piranhas are contentedly stripping
capybaras to the bone on another continent entirely. :) }
Soun lacks proper geographical knowledge of predatory fishies.
"Gimme a raise or I'll kill you now," Kiri said calmly, one
eye twitching slightly.
"Will, hmm, an extra 20 percent be acceptable?"
"30 percent."
"Done."
"I could use a-" Genma began. Takashi shook his head
sadly.
"Sorry. I'm over budget already," he said. "Perhaps, hmm,
next time. I'll thank you in my monograph on the expedition."
{ What a keen grasp of the relative danger factors involved. :) }
Yup. ^_^ Genma will let people use him as a doormat. Kiritsubo will fold
them into origami.
"No, to the national tourist office, actually. That's where
we, hmm, get our papers stamped. But since we're in a hurry
and being chased by a ruthless killer, we'll just skip that part
and go directly to the site."
{I have a bad feeling about this. :) }
Oh, it's perfectly safe. ^_^
They turned and looked at the large stone gate rising
from the jungle on the left side of the river. A small channel,
barely wide enough for one boat, flowed off under it, vanishing
into the mists beyond.
"He was looking pretty good to me," Kiri observed. "It
looked to me like he was about to cut you a new... er, mouth."
{Kiri? Diplomatic? Wow, she IS worried. :) }
Can you blame her?
"Inji wasn't going all out. He's faster than that at peak
performance."
He stared at her in disbelief. "You're joking."
"Nope. He was playing with you." She bit her lip. "Nah, not
playing, just... not showing his full speed. I think he was taking
you seriously enough to not show you everything he had unless
you made him."
{That definitely makes all kinds of sense.}
Unpleasant sense.
"Vicious things," Takashi murmured. "Fortunately we're
not likely to encounter any. They're extinct."
Genma and Soun exchanged glances.
"Uh, Takashi?" Kiri finally asked. "If these Nibek things
are extinct, how come Inji-kun got to go ten rounds with one?"
"That's why they're, hmm, extinct."
{I KNEW that was coming. :) }
Okay, it was a cheap joke. ^_^
Genma had to nod. He'd known that Takashi was a naive
maniac who strolled blithely into war zones and firefights and
eldritch temples as if he were taking a stroll in his rose
garden, and he was still vaguely come to grips with the
{um... that last just doesn't parse. Like words are missing.}
I think I probably could have put that better.
archeologist's continued survival. After all, Takashi had people
like Genma and Soun, who were paid to keep him alive. But
doing all this in the face of a very annoyed Kuonji Inji, for
years?
Item: Her mouth was saturated with the taste of raw
fish.
{She doesn't get good sushi often, I take it? :) }
Have you ever tasted raw carp? Even if you like sushi, carp is... ick.
"There's a million bats over us."
"Please don't remind me."
"They're LOOKING at us, Kiri..."
"If that's all they're gonna do, they can stare all they
want."
"Is it all they're going to do?"
"Well, they've been up there for the past three hours and
haven't done anything yet. I think we're safe."
{Um... there is zero, repeat, zero chance that the former is, in fact,
true. Hint: guano. Constant showers of guano. :) }
Perhaps it's a canopy of extremely constipated bats? ^_^;;;
She heard Kiri chuckle uneasily. "Heh, well, see, we're
floating down this narrow little overgrown canal that you get
to by going through a gate that's probably real similar to the
front door of Hell, only maybe not as cheerful and without the
welcome mat,
{"Oh, good, it doesn't say 'all hope abandon etc'?" :) }
Only in a sort of visual metaphor way.
"That would depend on how kinky you are, for half of
them. I personally don't cotton to inter-species affection, if
you take my drift."
Nodoka brightened slightly. "That doesn't sound so bad."
{hehehe!}
Poor Nodoka. ^_^
"Why aren't you screaming in terror?"
"Beats the hell outta me. Why aren't you?"
"I think I'm too scared that it would get something's
attention."
{Very practical. :) }
Oh yes.
"Yeah, through blind luck," Kiri snorted. "There ain't gonna
be no Chinese chicks with swords showing up to rescue us
here, Saotome."
{Are you SURE? :) }
For once, she's right. ^_^
Kiri shrugged. "No idea. Perhaps, being men, they're
stupider than we are." She appeared to consider that. "Well,
they're definitely stupider than us, gender aside," she amended.
{The men are there; the women are there. What was the difference again?
:) }
The women hadn't had prior experience to what it would be like. The men
had. ^_-
Nodoka flushed. "Sorry. I'm going to be an art major."
"Yeah, I'll just bet you are," Kiri mumbled.
{More snappy dialogue. Applause and giggles.}
Those two are good at snappy dialogue.
"Or the Rodents of Unusual Size?" Soun added darkly.
{argh! Is nothing sacred? Don't answer that. :) }
Okay. ^_^
"It's quite all right, gentlemen," Takashi said soothingly.
"I'm told that going over the waterfall is necessary to reach
our goal."
{hmm. All along, I'd been thinking that the side stream they were on was
a tributary of the river, and hence flowing sluggishly the other way,
but upon going back and looking, "flowed off" is quite clear; my
oversight. I suppose it could be a canal, since the decor is artificial,
but if there are scarps to flow over in the vicinity of a river the whole
river tends to, er, flow over them without the assistance of uncivil
engineers. I can live with it as just one more weird thing, of course...}
This is pretty weird country; obviously not typical of Laos or the Mekong
as a whole.
There was silence for a second, and then a familiar,
shimmering figure in yellow and grey and blue rose from the
water before them. "Hi!"
{Right. Now how long will it take her to figure out what's about to
happen, and will that be longer than it takes to occur? :) }
It might take a while for it to sink in. ^_^
"Misuto! Pal! Roomie!" Kiri yelped gleefully. "I knew you'd
help us! Quick, save our asses!"
"This is Misuto-no-Kami," the shimmering image said
cheerfully. "I'm afraid I don't have sufficient strength to
answer prayers outside of Japan right now, but if you'll leave
your name, address, karmic number, faith, and the purpose of
your prayer at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you as
soon as I can. Thank you for choosing Shinto as your personal
belief system!"
{...
...
Excuse me. I fell off my chair again.}
You'll injure yourself!
"The canopy!" Genma exclaimed, catching Takashi's
meaning. "It's like a bridge! We just go hand-over-hand across
it!"
"Exactly," Takashi said serenely. "I've spent many hours
in the university gym practicing for just such a, hmm,
occurrence."
{Brachiating? How... simian. Room here for a Librarian reference, I
think...}
Oh, there are too many references in there already.
"Saotome!" Kiritsubo screamed. "I'm gonna kill you!"
"I'm sorry!" he heard Nodoka wail wretchedly. "I was
slipping! I needed handholds!"
"Leggo of my chest, you pervert!"
{Oh, dear. I knew that was going to happen sooner or later...}
It was inevitable.
"I'm sorry!" Nodoka said haltedly, massaging her throat. "I
haltingly {?}
My mistake.
just didn't want to fall screaming to my doom! Isn't that a good
enough excuse?"
"I don't swing that way either!" Nodoka snapped.
"You were swinging that way like a damn trapeze artist a
few seconds ago!"
{hehehe!}
Poor Nodoka. ^_^
"Can we please drop this?" Nodoka pleaded wretchedly.
{"Now that we aren't 100 feet in the air, I mean."}
I'm sure Kiri would have loved to drop it back then. ^_^
They took three steps forward, and then hordes of spear-
brandishing, loincloth-wearing, bone-shaking, feather-
festooned, brightly-painted tribesmen popped out of the
bushes.
{They have those in Laos? Oh, what the heck, probably imported, no
sillier than Dobermans in Beverly Hills. :) }
These are Wacky Adventure Natives. There's a small job-training center in
Darwin that exports them to forbidden temples with openings in the job
market.
"You're here for the Tongs?" the lead tribesman said,
looking mildly surprised. "No, those aren't ours."
"So you have no objection to someone taking them?" Soun
asked.
The tribesman shrugged. "Not really. In a museum, in the
Temple of Five Thousand Forms of Highly Gratuitous Agonizing
Death, they're out of reach either way."
{How sensible.}
Well, when you're a cannibal living in a forbidden taboo zone you have a
lot of time to ponder life. ^_^
The lead tribesman coughed apologetically. "I wasn't
joking about eating the archeologists. It's hard to get enough
protein out here. How much do you weigh?"
"Dibs on the guy in black. I like lean cuts."
"I'll have a rump portion off the girl in the jacket. And a
thigh, please."
{How sensible. :) }
Threatening Kiri is sensible? ^_-
"Duds," Takashi shot back. "I'm not foolish enough to
carry real grenades. Too dangerous. I suggest you keep running."
{ ! }
Well, as accident-prone as he is...
The tribesmen stopped outside, stared at the temple, and
gave a collective sigh of disappointment.
"Damn. That one in the white gi looked nice and tender."
"Yeah. I hate fast food."
{You wrote the whole scene for that one line, didn't you?}
It just sort of spontaniously suggested itself. ^_^
Soun dived out of the way seconds before the giant stone
foot came down with a rude noise in the space where he had
been standing.
"Funny, that was supposed to trigger a python pit, not a
foot," Takashi remarked.
{A montypython pit, perhaps? :) }
Obviously. ^_^
"There," Takashi said calmly, watching as the boulder
roll towards the edge of a pit. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
{"YES IT WAS!!!" :) }
Fun for everyone!
The others said nothing, contenting themselves with
looking around at the massive room they had entered. It was
circular in shape, with a high, Romanesque dome decorated
with mosaic snakes far above. A pit, a dark chasm, lay in the
center of the chamber, surrounded by a railing which the
boulder splintered into fragments before dropping into the pit.
boulder had splintered {?}
"This is the chamber of the Great Serpent Sth-Ptah,
killer of men, devourer of villages," Takashi gravely said. "Any
who seek to pass must evade his deadly, gnashing, poisonous
jaws. Many mighty warriors have pitted their prowess against
his coils. None have survived."
Nodoka swallowed. "Will Genma and Soun have to fight
him?"
From the pit came an odd, soft, mushy splatting sound,
similar to the noise a Great Serpent would make after having
an incredibly heavy boulder dropped on its head.
{...climb back onto the chair...}
Why overkill is not always a good thing.
"No," Takashi said, walking around the pit. "Really, I think
more enthusiasm than intelligence was displayed in the
construction of the temple's defenses. Come along."
{I was just thinking that. Really.}
Well, it's the thought that counts. ^_^
In fact, it was only the gigantic stone bowl in the center
of the room, filled with giant stone turnips, radishes, and
garden greens that prevented it from being impressive and
greens, {?}
rendered it merely slightly silly.
{whimper :) }
"Well, what did you expect would be in a temple
dedicated to turnip fertility?" Takashi said reasonably.
"Although from the altar, it appears that radishs _and_ salad
radishes {Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to spot typos while
giggling? Honestly, some people. :) }
My prereaders do it with big old gumpy faces. (kidding! ^_-)
lettuce were also venerated. This is truly a remarkable find."
Takashi approached the altar, examined it for a few
seconds, and then picked up the Tongs in one fluid motion,
twisting to one side as he did. A shower of spears passed
harmlessly by. "Yes, Nodoka-san. We can go."
"No, Miss Nodoka. You can't," Inji said mildly, stepping out
from the shadows of the entryway.
{Of course.}
Yes, yes, everyone saw that coming. ^_^
"Why yes," Takashi said. "It was in the diagrams."
"Why, yes,"
The small group huddled around Takashi, who frowned.
"I'm afraid he seems to, hmm, have us at a disadvantage," the
archeologist admitted. "Unless anyone has a better idea, I'm
going to have to give him the Tongs."
"Sounds good to me," Kiri said.
"Sadly, without the revenue the museum would provide
for the Tongs, I will be unable to pay you your full wage."
"We can't let that bastard win," Kiri righteously declared.
"That belongs in a museum."
{hehehe!}
No bullwhip for her, though.
"Let me fight him as well," Soun offered. "Perhaps with
more time to charge, the Seven Righteous Demons-"
"Will not work," Takashi said firmly. "Inji and I have both
looked upon things from Beyond in the course of our travels,
and been reduced to quivering, gibbering wrecks by the sight.
{"We got better!"}
Althought not by much. ^_^
I'm afraid it's had the effect of building up a certain immunity
to lesser horrors like your ki attack."
"I'm glad you find this so amusing," came Inji's voice, a
mix of resigned and annoyed.
"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
{Oh, dear.}
People seem to have reached a consensus on what it was.
"That's a nice knife, Kiritsubo," Takashi said quietly.
Warned by something in the archeologist's tone, Genma
turned. Kiri was kneeling by Inji, examining the ropes she had
used to bind him. His twin-bladed knife was in her hands. She
made no response.
"Can I see it?" Takashi asked.
Kiri ignored him. Her fingers tightened on the silver
handle.
{Uh oh.}
Nothing like murderous intent.
She looked at the knife, at Inji, and sighed.
Then she put it on the floor and slid it over to Takashi.
"You're right. It is a nice knife. I'd recommend leaving it,
though; Inji-kun's gonna be upset if you make off with his
favorite piece of cutlery." She stood, and walked slowly
towards the door.
{Whew.}
The conversation between Inji and Kiritsubo haunts
me at times. I keep wondering how my life would have
turned out if I'd heard it all, or guessed, or... no, enough.
It probably would have wound up much the same.
{I don't suppose WE'LL find out...?}
Well, yes, if you keep reading. ^_^
Comments welcomed. ^_^
This is wonderful stuff. More, please. ^_^
As fast as I can write it. ^_^
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.
- Susan Doenime
Brisbane, U of Q
"I hit the streets / They watched me in the monitor..."