As my email program is incapable of handling anything this large, I'm
attaching my C&C as a plain text file.

My comments in square brackets.

Defender of the Light
Elite Mage
Junior Member of the Inner Circle of the Mage's Council

"Contrary to popular opinion, magic and science _do_ mix."

"Of _course_ I cheated.  Scientists think magic is cheating, and mages think
most forms of technology are cheating.  I use both."

____________________________________________________________________
Get your own FREE, personal Netscape WebMail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com.

-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: cold dragon.txt

[Snip author's note, disclaimer, etc.]



  -----------------------------------------------------------------

  Comes the Cold Dragon

  (Samui Ryuu ga Kita)

  Part One REVISION TWO

  -----------------------------------------------------------------



[First, let me say that this is an excellent story.  I didn't have a problem 

with it the first time, and it's only gotten better since then.



[However, you do have a _lot_ of technical errors.  I've seen some fics that 

were simply unreadable due to grammar problems.  This one isn't that bad, but 

the problems are there and do detract from the story.  I'm sure others have 

noticed them as well, but simply didn't feel like going through something 

this size sentence by sentence to find them.



[I'm also providing suggestions for rephrasing certain things that, IMO, 

sound awkward.



[I've pasted this into WordPerfect for the sole purpose of checking spelling.  

Any spelling corrections are its and not mine.  I will cheerfully admit that 

my spelling is simply atrocious.



[Please forgive the sarcasm that will inevitably creep into this reply.]



  Onna-Ranma woke up weak at the knees and nauseated, only to

  discover he was standing at the front of a room crowded with people.

  Someone was holding her right arm and some unidentified jerk was playing

  music so loud it made his head hurt. His abdomen felt all puffy and he

  had that greasy feeling that he got a couple of times back when Ko Lon

  had given him the Full-Body Cat's Tongue. Worse, he was wearing his

  boxers and could not feel a pad. He felt something tickling the back of

  his kneck and realized that some idiot hand let his hair down. He looked



[neck]



  down. He was wearing a white dress.



  "Oh, shit! What idiot dressed me in white on a day like...wait a

  minute! Wait a fucking minute! This is a wedding dress!"



[WordPerfect's dictionary does not contain profanities...interesting.]



  Onna-Ranma glanced around quickly, trying to figure out what was

  going on. Sure enough, there was a priest in front of him, going on

  about obedience and fidelity and ...CHILDREN? He glanced to his right

  and the nausea became much worse, forcing him to gulp at the bile in his

  throat. He was standing next to Kuno Tatewaki, who was now fumbling

  around in his pockets as though trying to find something. He glanced

  over his left shoulder and spied his old man, sitting on the aisle end

  of the front pew.



  "What the hell is going on, Old Man?"



  "Look boy, since you and Akane never got along all that well,

  Tendo and I decided to make a deal with the Kunos."



  "With the Kunos?" Onna-Ranma felt a flood of adrenaline slam into

  his bloodstream. "Both of 'em?"



  "Yes! Just think son! This is your lucky day. You'll have two

  weddings! First to your new husband and then in an hour or so, to your



[...then, in an hour or so, to your...]



  new wife. The truly great beauty of it is, they're both rich!"



  Onna-Ranma gritted her teeth in fury.



  "And you needn't worry about Akane, either!" Nabiki interjected

  from out of nowhere, "Her's and Ryoga's future is secure! The Kunos set



[Her and Ryoga's...  It's their collective future, rather than their 

individual futures, right?  If the later, it should be, "Hers and Ryoga's 

futures are secure."  I think.  Anyway, hers does not contain an apostrophe.]



  up a permanent, irrevocable trust for them and their kids."



  "You may now kiss the bride!" The Priest happily proclaimed.



  Ranma woke with a jerk. He regretted the jerk immediately. The

  sudden motion caused the soft gauze of his bandages to grate against his

  burns like so much sandpaper. Nor did the sudden motion do his head any

  favors. Sharp pains snaked though his skull accompanied by bright

  flashes of false light that he felt as much as saw behind his tightly

  shut eyelids.



  "Ouch!"



  He opened his eyes only to see a stinging, blurry mixture of

  fluorescent light and squirming ceiling tiles. After his vision cleared

  somewhat, he realized where he was.



  I'm in Tofu's clinic, Ranma said silently to himself. Why am I

  here? What happened? Why was I dreaming about marrying...Oh, shit! The

  wedding! Why won't the stupid bastards give us a rest! Akane's gonna be

  furious.



[Ok, last time I trust a spell-checker.  It has bastardy, but not bastards.]



  The effort needed to contain his anger made him grit his teeth.

  Gritting his teeth, made the pain in his head nearly unbearable. He went



[Gritting his teeth made....  The comma is superfluous.]



  through the flashing lights and blurred vision ordeal again.



  "Note to self," spoke an echoing voice in his head, "Do not! I

  repeat, do _not_ grit your teeth until this concussion has healed."



  "Concussion?" he whispered to himself, "I got a concussion?"



  "Yes!" The echoing voice answered as a great wave of pain broke

  just behind his eyeballs and washed around them, "So don't grit your

  teeth and try to lie still! It hurts when you do that shit!"



  "All right already! I only did it because I was mad, okay? The

  way they told me that I was getting married was by knocking me out and

  dressing me in a white tuxedo--stupid bastards! I was so pissed when I

  finally understood what they were planning, I couldn't see straight. We

  hadn't been home from China for more than two days. Dammit! They

  wouldn't even let us get a decent rest from that long assed trip," he



[long-assed.  It's a compound adjective modifying trip]



  told the voice in his head.



[Snip lots of dialogue.  I'm assuming that errors there are intentional.]



  "Trust me. I know!" The voice sound confident. "It bother's Akane



[Does bother own Akane?]



  some, but not enough to spoil her love for you."



[Snip more dialogue.]



  "Huh? Wadda are you talkin' abou..."



[If you are trying to imply that the "the voice" interrupted Ranma, use a 

dash rather than an ellipsis.  If Ranma is merely trailing off, the ellipsis 

is fine.  However, you still need a period to end the sentence (i.e. a fourth 

dot).]



  "Gimme a break, Saotome!" the girl's voice said angrily. The

  echoes in Ranma's head became deafening. "You, my pig-tailed friend, are

  an adrenaline freak. About half the trouble around here is your fault,

  and what ain't been your fault, you made worse."



[Snip more dialogue.]



  "Damn straight, I got some ass whippings to hand out! Plenty of

  people there yesterday had reason to be mad at me, but none of 'em had a

  reason to hurt Akane. It was _her_ wedding. It should have been regal,

  and nice...and...sacred..Yeah, sacred! They're gonna pay. Some of 'em



[Were I writing this line, I would leave out the ellipsis before and.  The 

one after and implies that Ranma is pausing to search for the word he wants, 

which is fine.  I doubt he would pause before and.  Also, kill the comma 

after regal and clear up the dots after sacred.  There should be one�to 

indicate the end of a sentence--or three--to indicate a pause within the 

sentence--or four�to indicate Ranma trailing off _and_ the end of a sentence.  

My personal preference would be for one.]



  are gonna pay a lot."



[And more.]



  "Damned straight I'm right about the water! What girl in her

  right mind wants to be married to a guy that spends at least part of

  every day as a girl? I mean, I got the Nekko-ken because Pops was trying



[I believe that someone else pointed out that Neko only has one k.  I don't 

speak (or write) Japanese myself, but I've only ever seen it with one.]



  to make me a better martial artist, right? Okay it was a stupid mistake,

  but he was just trying to help me out. I can forgive him for it. I got

  this curse because he took me to Jusenkyo. Okay, he was trying to make

  me a better martial artist. That's fine. Another stupid mistake. I can

  forgive him--sorta. But this time he's got no excuse. He set this

  wedding up, then he help make a mess out of it and shamed Akane. I may

  donate him to the zoo and leave him there for a year."



[Snip.]



  "Yes he did," the voice said, sounding as though it were near

  tears, "Just because he was reborn a few minutes later, don't mean you



[The space between the comma and the quote mark should be between the quote 

mark and Just.  If "Just because he was reborn..." is part of the same 

sentence as "Yes he did" then just should not be capitalized.  If it's a 

separate sentence, the comma after tears should be a period.]



  didn't kill him. You know damned good and well you meant to kill him."



[Snip.]



  "Okay. Her punishment will be helping us clean this mess up--and

  no posing for her for a month. Note to self: Search out, steal and hide

  all of Nabiki's cameras as soon as possible. Better yet, search out,

  steal and hide her collection of negatives while you are at it. Even

  better, no more pictures until things are settle between us and Akane.



[are settled, I believe.  This is past tense, right?  If not, it really 

doesn't parse.]



  This is for damned sure going to be on top of whatever it is Akane is

  already doing to her."



  What are we going to do to Kuno?" the voice asked. Apparently she

  could clinch her teeth without making Ranma's head hurt. "What that

  assholed did was unforgivable."



[assholed?  I don't think that d should be there.]



  "I will think up something massive for Kuno." Ranma answered

  calmly. "He drew steel at Akane's wedding. Worse, he thinks he can lord

  it over her and tell her and her family what they can or can't do. That

  shit is going to stop as soon as I can get out of this bed. I am going

  to hurt him so bad that the very mention of Akane's name will make him

  break out in hives."



[Snip.]



  "Aiya! Xian Pu aiming for Akane, not Airen!" the Amazon had said.





[There's an extra line break in here.]



  "I remember what she did at Jusendo, too!" Ranma said as he

  almost forgot and gritted his teeth.



  "Do you really think for one second she ever had any intention of

  using that bottle of water to cure Akane? No way! As soon as I had been

  engulfed by one of those surokomi eggs, she would have thrown Akane's

  body out with the trash. Then, once I came out the egg and became Xian

  Pu's slave, I would have been her slave forever because she would never

  be able to release me and stay alive. Remember how she threatened to

  kill Akane after the bottle of water got broke and Akane was still

  untreated? Do you really think Xian Pu was kidding? What do you think

  she's planning to do right now? Something Xian Pu had said on other



[I think you want a quote mark after now.  That is where Ranma breaks off his 

internal vocalization, right?]



  occasions came back to haunt him, "Obstacle is for killing."



  "Killing Xian Pu won't solve the problem, Ranma!" the girlish

  voice said in pleading tones. "You gotta stay in control!"



  Ranma's blood ran cold again. He shivered and it ran even colder.

  Actually it was his ki that had begun to run cold. So cold in fact that

  the room temperature began to fall. He was so preoccupied that he was

  unaware of the effect he was having on his surroundings.



  "Xian Pu saw how you really felt at Jusendo, boy," the echoing

  voice had begun to sound like his father, "She is going to become

  desperate and a desperate foe is the most dangerous kind of foe. How

  many times did you have to stop her from killing Akane just after she

  came here? Twice was it?"



  "I will stay in control! I will stay in control," the girlish

  voice chanted softly to Ranma, "I will not kill Xian Pu. That will not

  solve anything. I will stay in control."



  "What do you mean it won't solve anything, boy?" Genmas gravely



[Genma owns the gravely voice, right?  You need an apostrophe before the s.  

(Otherwise you are talking about multiple Genmas.  *shudder*).



  voice ground it's way around the confines of Ranma's mind, "Killing a

  snake leaves you with one less bite to worry about."



  "Yeah, but then I'd hafta worry about every Amazon in China

  coming over here lookin' for revenge, you dumbass!" the girlish voice

  shrieked back at the Genma voice. "Think straight!"



  "Well you had better come up with something soon, little girl!

  Amazons don't let anything stop them from getting what they want and she

  knows you and Aknane are getting closer! Do you really think she's going



[Akane]



  to just stand by and let that happen?" The Genma voice grated. "Xian Pu

  ain't laid up on her ass and helpless like you are right now, boy!"



[Snip.]



  "I've got to get out of here!" Ranma tried to get up but the pain

  in his head nauseated him and the burns hurt so badly he nearly

  screamed."



[What's with that quote mark after screamed?]



  "There, you see? I'm not keeping you here to be mean. I'm keeping

  you here so you can heal."



[Snip.]



  "As long as you are around Akane, that's mess you are in."



[I think you want an article before mess.  The, probably.]



  "Oh, really? How many will I be up against should hostilities

  break out somewhere between here and the school?" Tofu's voice remained

  perfectly even and serious. Ranma was not too terribly sure that Tofu

  understood, or could even be capable of understanding.



[Snip.]



  -----------



  Tofu Ono had treated Ranma Saotome for numerous injuries. The

  overwhelming majority of them had been minor and sports related--that is

  assuming that the Martial Arts might rightly be considered a sport.

  These injuries however were different. No single injury the boy suffered

  this time was anymore serious than the injuries Tofu had treated in the



[I think any more should be two words.  I've only seen it used as a single 

word to mean "any longer."]



  past. The frightening difference was their overall number. Happosai had

  never been on Tofu's list of favorite people, but now the old man was on

  the very short list of people for whom Tofu Ono bore genuine malice. It

  was time some one taught the callus old fool a lesson. He would have a



[Someone is usually one word.]



  word with Soun and Genma as well.



  Ranma's alarm over Akane's welfare had confirmed something Tofu

  had already come to fear about his observations of Ranma's mental

  condition. The boy was showing every sign of suffering from a classic

  case of combat fatigue. Tofu had gone to the trouble of bringing the

  tranquilizer gun mostly as a sop to Ranma's fears, but now as he walked

  towards Furinkan, he began to wonder if he might have not also taken a

  wise precaution. While it was true that victims of combat fatigue

  sometimes suffered from unreasonable fears, they always had good reason

  for their paranoia. As difficult as this young man's life had been

  during the past two and a half years, Ranma could easily have good

  reason for his concerns about Akane. If Ranma's fears were well founded,

  it made matters worse for his young patient not better. It merely



[I would put a comma after patient.]



  confirmed the validity of Tofu's diagnosis and worsened the prognosis.

  Tofu gritted his teeth.



  The bad thing was, simply treating Ranma at the clinic would not

  effect a permanent cure. He would very quickly begin to deteriorate



[Effect is a noun.  I think you want affect.]



  again once he returned home because the main, day to day stresses



[day-to-day?  I'm not sure.  Actually, it is a compound adjective (modifying 

stresses), so should be hyphenated.]



  underlying the problem would still be there waiting for him upon his

  release. Sooner or later, something would happen to push Ranma over the

  edge and as powerful as the boy's techniques were, that would spell

  disaster for a great many people not just Ranma alone. Tofu Ono was a



[This sentence is rather long.  IMO: Sooner or later, something would happen 

to push Ranma over the edge.  As powerful as the boy's techniques were, that 

would spell disaster for a great many people, not just Ranma alone.]



  man in the ticklish position of disarming a fast fission device while

  equippped with only a poorly translated manual and a crescent wrench. He



[Remove the third p from equipped.]



  knew quite a bit about Ranma, but he would need to know more before he

  could cure him.



  Once at the school, Tofu merely informed the principle of his

  intentions. The principal complained, but not too loudly after Tofu

  began giving him a cold stare. As far as Tofu was concerned, this



[IMO: ...after Tofu gave him...]



  irresponsible boob was just another of his patient's problems. He would

  brook no argument from the fool. He was surprised to find Nabiki at the

  nursing station. He did not know that she served as student nurse there.

  He gave her Ranma's message. Much to Tofu's surprise, she seemed to be

  expecting it. Nabiki promised to come to the clinic as soon as she had

  taken care of a few things at home that evening. Akane's teacher proved

  to be very cooperative, suggesting that Akane take Ranma a binder laden

  with makeup work. Akane maintained a frightened silence as she gathered

  her things and accompanied Tofu out of the building.



[Snip.]



  "I...I..." Akane stammered and wiped at the sudden tears burning

  her eyes without even realizing they were welling up at the corners of

  her eyes, "We live in the same house. We eat at the same table. We see



[You use "eyes" twice in the same sentence.  You should probably rephrase to 

eliminate one.]



  each other every morning of nearly every day. If we were to...I don't

  think I could stop myself if we ever let anything like that start, Dr.

  Tofu. Sooner or later the temptation would be too great."



  "I'm certain Ranma could," Tofu said in a soothing tone, "And I

  think he probably would, Akane."



  "That pervert?" Akane sounded incredulous. "Stop me from doing

  something like that? No way! You didn't see what he did the first day I

  met him."



  Tofu suppressed a laugh as he continued to check for threats.



  "I think I've heard this story! You walked in on him in the bath,

  right?"



  "Yes," Akane said with clinched teeth, "I did. I thought he was a

  girl and I wasn't wearing any clothes."



  "Let me guess. He became erect, didn't he?" Tofu asked as though

  he already knew the answer.



  Akane's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as she nodded

  her head in agreement. They walked on in silence for a few steps while

  Tofu did his best to contain a screaming fit of laughter. Young people

  were so funny sometimes. It was not their fault of course. Ignorance and

  hormones had combined to make a volatile mixture for eons. They would go

  on doing so for as long as humanity existed.



[And he's any better with Kasumi?]



  "He couldn't help it, you know," Tofu said with a grin in his

  voice.



[Snip.]



  "There was nothing perverted about happened to the two of you



[This doesn't parse well.  About what happened, perhaps?]



  that day. Ranma was and is a very healthy young male. You are a very

  healthy young female. Reacting that way is part of your natures. So long

  as the two of you maintain a little self-control, you shouldn't feel

  ashamed of feeling that way about him anymore than he should feel guilty

  about feeling that way about you. After all, the race must go on, you

  know." Tofu flashed a smile at her and was gratified as Akane seemed to

  relax a little, but then she tensed up again.



  "But what if...what if I feel that way about him while he's

  female?"



  Aha! Tofu thought, to himself. I thought there must be more here

  than what meets the eye. The poor girl is wrestling with her own

  hormones so much she's afraid to look inside and see what she might find

  out about herself.



  "Is it just Onna-Ranma you feel that way about?"



  "Mostly," Akane said and then hesitated for a moment, "other

  girls only excite me when my mind is really on Ranma. Well...Oh! I never

  felt that way about anyone before until he, I mean she..."



  Tofu wanted very badly to laugh, but suppressed it. People were

  taught such foolish things as they grew up. All he could do was his best

  to help them sort matters out on their own. He could not really do

  anymore than that. He waved at Yamakami-san as they passed her house.

  She was out working on her flagstones as usual. Tofu had first worried

  that she might be compulsive-obsessive when he first met her.



[I think you should delete the first before worried, especially since you use 

it again later in the sentence.]



  "When did you first start feeling an attraction to his female

  form?" Tofu asked Akane.



  "Not long after I met, him actually," Akane said in a distant

  voice. "He had gotten splashed during a fight. When he got worried that

  I might get hurt he took me into his arms and jumped to a rooftop so I

  would be safe. It made me tingle all over."



  "Onna-Ranma picked you up and jumped to a rooftop?" Tofu was

  impressed. There were any number of martial artists in Nerima capable of

  jumping to a rooftop, Tofu himself among them, but Akane was half of a

  head taller than Onna-Ranma and probably outweighed her by a couple of

  kilograms. Such a leap was phenomenal. He wondered if Ranma had taken

  time to notice which form he was in at the time.



  "Being carried to safety made you tingle all over, or was it the

  physical contact with Onna-Ranma that did it?"



  "Both, I think. I got...I got very excited that day and I've had

  trouble with it ever since."



  "Akane, there is nothing inherently wrong about any of this,"

  Tofu said with a sigh, "your attraction to Ranma, whether male or

  female, is perfectly natural. Neither of you are perverts."



  "How can you say that, Dr. Tofu? It isn't natural?"



[Are you sure you want a question mark at the end of that last sentence?  I 

would think an exclamation point would be better.]



  "Oh, really? Throughout history Akane, a fraction of the human

  population has been homosexual. The precentage has remained steady,



[You transposed the r and e in percentage.]



  despite the often drastic disapproval of the heterosexual majority. To

  me, it suggests that homosexuality is not inherently wrong. It is,

  simply put, just another potential source of release nature has given

  us."



  Akane stared at Tofu suddenly looking horrified.



  "I am not saying you are homosexual. In your case, feeling a

  sexual attraction for Ranma is not the least bit questionable or

  abnormal, given Ranma's unique condition. Which form of him attracts you

  the most?"



  "Sexually? Definitely his male form, but...but his girl half..."





[Another extra line break.  Of course, this has been through at least three 

different programs.  It could be something in the transfers.]



  "You, my dear girl, whether you want to admit it to yourself or

  not, are very much in love with Ranma Saotome...both halves of him."



  They walked on silence for a few steps before Tofu thought of

  another question.



  "How long has been able to touch you from a distance?"



  "Oh..." Akane hesitated to recall. "I think it must have been

  right after he learned the Umisen-ken."



  "Umisen-ken?"



  "Mmm!" Akane nodded her head. "It's a secret technique Uncle

  Saotome taught him. Ranma can disappear from sight right in front of

  you."



  "Ninjutsu?"



  "No, I think it's a special ki technique," Akane said, then

  grinned. "But the big jerk messed up."



  "How?"



  "To practice, he started coming into my room late at nite and



[I see no reason for this misspelling of night.]



  replacing my things with things from the kitchen. I found out that if I

  think about him, I can feel his presence."



  "Does he know?"



  Akane shook her head. "I'm saving that for a surprise."



  Tofu grinned even though he was beginning to tire. Counselling a



[According to the spell checker, counseling only has one l.]



  patient while watching for unknown threats was strenuous. He took a deep

  breath and continued.



  "On the whole Akane, I'd say you are one of the most fortunate

  people I've ever met."



  "How so?" Akane asked, sounding slightly alarmed.



  "For starters, you are engaged to a man who, as he gets older,

  will come to understand more about being a human being than anyone else



[being a human being?  That's rather awkward.  Simply "being human" should be 

sufficient.]



  on earth."



[Snip.]



  "You think Ranma has good reason to worry about me," she said

  with a gasp as she looked up at his face, "Don't you, Dr. Tofu."



[That's a question, right?  Punctuate it appropriately.]



  "He may. Why do you ask?"



  "Because you are watching everywhere at once as though you were

  expecting an attack."



  "Ranma is suffering from what can best be described as combat

  fatigue, Akane. Victims of this condition usually have good reason to

  worry. In this case, Ranma's fears may be nothing more than a symptom,

  but until we know for sure..."



  "I understand," Akane said as she too became watchful and

  remained so until they reached the clinic.



  Akane dropped her books on the couch in the lobby and kept going

  until she reached the room Ranma was in.



  "Ranma, you dummy! What's the big idea having pulled out of



[...having me pulled out... I believe.]



  school?"



  "No mallets! Okay, tomboy?"



  "Okay, but only so long as you don't do anything perverted."



  Tofu grinned to himself in the lobby as he locked the entrance and

  hung up his closed sign. So far so good. The fractious pair were dealing

  with one another in their usual fashion. In some ways this would

  actually help his patient, but he made a mental note to talk with Akane

  about the name calling. As comforting as it could be for both of them,

  the proper course of treatment called for greatly reducing the stress in

  Ranma's life.



  "Okay, we gotta deal then. Where's Doc Tofu?"



  "Right here, Ranma," Tofu said as he entered the treatment room.

  "Now how about telling us what's going on, and why you are so worried."



  "Xian Pu," Ranma said simply as though he had explained life, the

  universe and everything in it with a single word. Akane turned livid



[Need a comma after universe.  It's part of a list.]



  with fury, then paled with fear.



  "Xian Pu?" Tofu asked, "Maybe you had better elaborate a little,

  Ranma. I'm not sure I understand."



  "Well gee, Doc. It's simple. She's gonna try to kill Akane

  sometime soon."



  Tofu quickly put his hand on Akane's shoulder, hoping she would

  take it as a cue to remain silent. Much to his relief, she did.



  "What makes you say that?" Tofu asked.



  "What she said during our attempt at marriage yesterday. And the

  things she threatened to do to Akane and me while we were in China."



  Akane buried her face in both hands.



  "What did she say at the wedding, Ranma?" Tofu asked.



  "She threw some pretty heavy bombs at the wedding yesterday, Doc.

  Just before they went off in my face, I heard her say she was aiming at

  Akane instead of me."



  "I see," Tofu said speculatively, "but didn't Ukyo throw some as

  well? That's what I was told."



  "Yeah, but she was throwin' her stuff at me because she meant to

  hit me, not Akane. Her argument is with me and she knows it. I didn't

  mind that too much. I can understand her bein' mad at me. Shampoo was

  aimin' for Akane. That was just plain spiteful."



["Spiteful" does not equal "murderous."  You may want to pick a different 

word.  Unless you intend to indicate here that Ranma's fears are ungrounded?]



  "But it was never your fault, Ranma!" Akane cried. "It was your

  dad that caused all the trouble engaging her to you after you were

  already engaged to me! Ukyo has no right to take it out on you, anymore

  than Xian Pu has a right to hurt me!"



  "Yeah, but I owe Ukyo, Akane. Me or Pop neither one has done

  anything to make things right with her!" Ranma said, "Trouble is, I'm

  not at all sure of what to do for her. How can I pay her back for

  everything she's been through?"



  Tofu sighed and asked questions until he understood about Ukyo,

  the loss of her dowry and her subsequent treatment by her family. He had

  to bite his tongue in anger at the behavior of Ukyo's father. He had to

  try and put the matter aside for the moment. It was an issue he would

  look into later. Chances were good that there would be little that he

  could do to help the poor girl, but he would try.



  The truly disturbing news was what he learned of Xian Pu's

  behavior. Most people would consider a person like Xian Pu to be

  completely insane. Tofu knew better. The girl had been raised in a

  society held together by harsh rules. She was simply doing what she

  considered to be both legal and morally necessary. This made her far

  more dangerous than a person suffering from mental illness, because she

  had full control of her mental faculties. Xian Pu could and most likely

  would, make full use of her intelligence to serve her purposes. He



[Superfluous comma after would.]



  looked at Akane as she stared at Ranma and realized that Nerima might

  soon be embroiled in a feud little different from that between the Taira

  and the Minamoto. Tofu broke from his reverie with a shudder, only to

  find Ranma staring at him with a fevered gaze.



  "Runnin' won't work, Doc," Ranma said grimly, "Xian Pu followed me

  here all the way from Qinghai. I know she didn't know where we were

  going in advance because even I didn't know until after we got here. And

  my old man is one of the world's best at coverin' his tracks. Now that

  she thinks she might be losin' me, Xian Pu will find Akane no matter

  where she goes."



  Tofu swallowed back the sour taste in his mouth and asked, "Won't

  Ukyo be at considerable risk as well?"



  "Only after Akane is out of the picture," Ranma said, "but you're

  right. Xian Pu would probably go after Ukyo next--just to be safe if

  nothin' else."



  Tofu searched around the room and found another chair. Pulling it

  over close to Ranma's bed, he sat down heavily, struggling to banish the

  vision of introducing Genma to some of the more refined techniques of

  ubijutsu. Then he had to struggle with the pity he felt for the two

  youngsters now in his care. Pitiable though they were, pity was not what

  they needed at the moment. He needed to think clearly. After a moment,

  he hit upon what he thought might be a good solution for the interim. At

  least it would buy them so more time.



[...some more time.]



  "What if you were to announce that you and Akane were no longer

  engaged, Ranma?" Tofu asked. The suggestion caused both of the young

  people to blanch visibly. He could tell that neither of them liked the

  idea. The funny thing was, they were both looking at him and not each

  other.



  "What is announced, need not necessarily be true," Tofu added

  quickly.



  "I thought about it, Doc," Ranma said in a quiet voice. This

  caused Akane to give Ranma a very hurt look, but much to her credit, she

  allowed Ranma to finish his thoughts aloud. "It would never work. The

  only thing that has held Xian Pu back is the knowledge that I have

  feelings for Akane and Ukyo. Her fear of offending me is the only thing

  that has kept either of them alive. If she thinks she is about to lose,

  she'll attack. If she thinks she's gonna win, she'll want to close the

  backdoor."



[_I_ would make back door two words, but the spell checker doesn't have a 

problem with it.]



  "Ranma," Akane asked in a small voice, "How long have you known

  that Xian Pu was this serious?"



  "From day one really, but after the Cat's Tongue thing, I thought

  for a while that maybe she had changed. Now I know better. After what

  happened at Jusendo and at the dojo yesterday, I'm sure she is as

  dangerous as ever.



[Missing quote mark at the end of this paragraph.]



  The silence which then pervaded the room was profound and long

  lasting. It was Ranma that finally broke it.



[Hyphenate long-lasting.  Another compound adjective, modifying silence.]



  "After you left to go get Akane, Doc, I started thinkin' maybe

  I'm down to two choices. I can marry Xian Pu, or I can kill her. I ain't

  very happy with either option."



  Tofu studied Ranma's face and did not like the lines of growing

  tension he saw there. Even worse was the horrible conflict of emotions

  running across Akane's face. Now he would have to separate them long

  enough for Akane to recover. Otherwise, Ranma would begin suffering from

  even more stress.



  "I think I'll make us some tea," he said trying to sound hopeful,

  "Akane, could you give me a hand with the dishes and tray?"



  Akane said nothing but merely rose from her chair to signal her

  acquiescence, the obediently followed Tofu into his kitchenette.



[then obediently...]



  "Akane, what do you think of all this?"



  "I am not sure. I know he's right about Ukyo, but Xian Pu..."



  "So you think he may have valid cause for concern?"



  "I don't know for certain," Akane said, as tears began to run

  down her face in a solid stream, "All I can tell you for sure is that

  Ranma doesn't scare easily, but he hasn't acted as though he were

  worried about what Xian Pu might do for a long time now. It's...it's

  hard for me to believe, but Ranma..."



  Tofu placed a calming hand on her shoulder.



  "Would you mind staying here with Ranma over night?" Tofu asked,

  "I know it must seem to be a rather unusual request, but I'm afraid

  Ranma won't rest unless you are nearby. Try to keep him thinking about

  some other subject. His mental condition is quite fragile at the

  moment."



  "How long will he be like this, Dr. Tofu?"



  "Hmm, well combat fatigue is very similar to other stress related



[stress-related.  Compound adjective.]



  illnesses. Provided it is diagnosed and treated early, it usually fades

  quite rapidly once the source of the stress is removed. If we do not do

  something about it now though, Ranma could easily end up like your

  father."



  "Dad has had combat fatigue all these years?" Akane asked in

  shock.



  "His condition is not combat fatigue _per se_, but his symptoms

  are almost the same. Your father's condition arose from prolonged

  exposure to a great deal of emotional stress. Your father suffered from

  it for so long, he has never been able to fully recover."



  Tofu paused to marvel at the look of revelation on Akane's face.

  Now you see, don't you my dear girl? Tofu thought to himself. Your

  father is worthy of a little more credit than you've been giving him all

  these years.



  "Ranma's condition is not that bad yet, Akane. He will improve

  rapidly, provided he gets some rest from the things that are bothering

  him. Without a respite, he cannot recover. He will become increasingly

  irascible and find it increasingly difficult to maintain his

  self-control."



  The thought of an out of control Ranma Saotome frightened Tofu.



[out-of-control.  Compound adjective.]



  The aftermath of a major earthquake would be far easier to deal with on

  an emotional level than the havoc a Ranma could wreak while in the grip



[_a_ Ranma?  There's more than one?]



  of an all consuming rage. Tofu thought about some of the things that

  happened in the Pacific during WWII and shuddered.



  "Poor, Ranma!" Akane said, almost in a wail, "We can't ever let

  his mother see him like this."



  "His mother?" Tofu asked, sounding shocked, "What..."



  Akane quickly explained about Nodoka and the agreement Genma had

  made with her regarding Ranma's manliness. Tofu felt his face begin to

  turn red and had to fight down a wave of nausea as he realized that he

  would have to act immediately on the behalf of his patient, even if it

  meant going to the authorities. He would avoid having Genma and Nodoka

  declared incompetent parents if he could. The authorities disliked doing

  such a thing and Genma Saotome was still a hero in the minds of older

  Nerimians. They still remembered the days when Soun and Genma were

  instrumental in ridding the town of ne'er do wells. Disgracing Genma and

  by extension, Soun Tendo would hurt Ranma's prospects as a teacher of



[I think you're missing some commas here.  IMO: Disgracing Genma and, by 

extension, Soun Tendo...]



  his art. It would also be certain to harm Tofu's own practice, but all

  that be as it may, Tofu had a patient at risk and he resolved to do what



[be that as it may.  At least that's the way I've always seen it.]



  he must.



  He took a clean teacup down from the shelf and walked over to the

  refrigerator. He opened a plastic container full of small, odd looking

  fruit. He took one of them out and put the lid back on the container.

  After closing the refrigerator he returned to the counter and squeezed

  juice from the small fruit into the teacup. He rolled the cup around so

  that the clear juice coated the interior surfaces of the cup.



[of it.  You used "the cup" earlier in the sentence; there's no need to 

repeat it.]



  "Akane?"



  "Yes, Dr. Tofu?"



  "Make sure Ranma drinks his tea from this cup."



  "Yes, Doctor."



  "After the two of you finish your tea, I want you to be sure and

  clean this cup very, very thoroughly with soap and very hot water,

  okay?"



  "Okay, what are you putting in it."



[Question?  Question mark?]



  "It's the fruit of a cactus, _lophocereus ono_," Tofu said with

  a little pride in his voice, "It's an extremely rare, slow growing plant

  I found while I was away on my research trip. The juice of the fruit

  isn't exactly a narcotic, but it does help a person relax and maintain

  their self-confidence and self-control."



  "Help with self-confidence? Ranma needs help with his



[For dramatic impact, you may want to emphasize Ranma.  Underscores would do 

it.]



  self-confidence?"



  "Yes, for the moment. He has very little control over his own

  life right now, in case you have not noticed. It has eroded his

  self-confidence a great deal. This is one of the major causes of combat

  fatigue. A lack of control over one's own life and circumstances. It can

  destroy the strongest of men."



  Akane inhaled sharply as though experiencing a sudden

  revelation.



  "Much of Ranma's behavior has been overcompensation for this

  lack of personal control in his life. He has born up quite well, all

  said and done."



  "That's why he's always so happy in a fight!" Akane exclaimed,

  "He feels as though he's in control."



  Tofu nodded as he thoroughly washed his hands. "And he usually is

  if half of what I hear is true."



  Akane giggled in spite of herself. "I'm sure you haven't heard

  the half of it."



  Tofu involuntarily shuddered. How much more could have possibly

  been happening to this young man, he thought. He poured the treated cup



[I realize you're not specifically marking thoughts, but you may still want 

to punctuate them appropriately.  A question mark after man would be good.]



  full of green tea, then filled another cup for Akane.



  "Here, go have tea with Ranma. I'm going to be gone for a while.

  I am going to lock the outer doors. You are not to allow anyone else

  into the clinic until I return."



  "Okay, Dr. Tofu."



  "I may be gone for several hours, so don't be alarmed. You'll

  find a cot in the hall closet if it gets to be too late."



  "Where are you going, Dr. Tofu?"



  "I am going to go have a little talk with Ranma's parents and a

  few other folks. Be sure to rinse that cup in hot water before you touch

  the inside of it!" Tofu said over his shoulder as he hurried towards the

  lobby. The last thing he wanted at the moment was an argument from

  Akane. He was going to need that energy to deal with other matters.



  Akane watched Tofu's departing back through the glass doors of

  the clinic. Much to her shock, he was emanating a battle aura. I wonder

  if he is going to beat up Mr. Saotome, she thought, more power to him if

  he does. Remembering her assigned duties she fetched the tray and

  carried it into Ranma's room. His eyes were closed and for the very

  first time, Akane saw something in Ranma's face that she had never

  noticed before. She wondered why she had not noticed it before. Perhaps

  it was because worry engraves a person's face slowly and no one notices

  it until something breaks. Akane sadly shook her head. The seams in

  Ranma's face were so obvious now it was hard for her to believe she had

  missed them. She was still studying his face when he noted her presence

  and opened his eyes.



  "I brought you some tea."



  "Where's Dr. Tofu?"



  "He had a few errands to run," Akane said as she helped him raise

  his head. Rather than simply hand him the cup, she held it to his lips.

  "Drink this."



  "What is it?" Ranma whispered in hoarse voice.



  "Tea and a little something to make you feel better."



  "It isn't going to knock me out is it?" Ranma asked suspiciously.





[Another double line break.]



  "Dr. Tofu said it would ease your pain and make you relax. He

  didn't say anything about sleep."



  Ranma did not refuse the tea. She did not think he would. He

  never refused anything from her when she really wanted him to take it.



  "Aw, man!" Ranma said as he laid back against the pillows, "That

  hit the spot!"



  Akane smiled. Some small part of her mind warned her that she was

  letting her true feelings for Ranma show. She told it to go to hell.

  Even beat and bandaged the classic lines of his god-like body thrilled



[comma after bandaged.]



  her. Being held by was like being caressed by a bronze statue, but one

  that was warm and alive--Oh, so very, very much alive! Ranma looked back

  at her, his eyes shining in a way she had not seen before. She got lost

  in their ocean blue depths.



  "Ranma, I..."



  She did not get to finish because he wrapped his arms around her

  and kissed her. This was not a platonic peck on the cheek, nor was it a

  gentle brush of his lips on hers. This was a full blown, fully

  passionate, R-rated, let's go make babies together type kiss. He did not

  let her come up for air for a very, very long time. Akane was so shocked

  she almost did not take time to enjoy it until the very end. She sat

  down heavily in the nearby chair the instant he let her go. Her legs

  were too weak for her to remain standing.



  "Akane...I'm...I'm sorry. I...I've been wanting to do that since

  the first day I met you...I would have too, but...but I was a girl at

  the time. I won't let it happen again! I promise!" Ranma said, then

  passed out as though some unseen hand had pressed his off button.



  Akane dropped the teacup and it shattered unnoticed upon the

  immaculately polished tiles of the clinic floor. She began giggling,

  then she laughed so hard her ribs hurt.



  "Ranma Saotome, you big dummy!" Akane said, blinking back

  unbidden tears, "I love you! How could you not know that by now?"



  Ranma snored obliviously as the lines of worry in his face showed

  signs of fading. Akane took his hand and clutched it to her breast.



  "Oh, Ranma," she whispered, "Whatever will we do?"



  -----------



  By the time Tofu reached the Tendo home, the tiny quantity of

  drug that had soaked through his skin while preparing Ranma's dose, took



[superfluous comma after dose.]



  its full effect upon him. It was not very much, but he was thankful for

  it just the same. Kasumi answered the door.



  "Oh, my! Good evening, Dr. Tofu!"



  "Good evening, Nurse," Tofu said, "Is Saotome-san here? I need to

  speak with him."



  Kasumi blinked at his calling her nurse and Tofu hated being so



[This parses strangely.  I would take out "and" and make it two sentences.]



  impersonal with her, but now was not the time for him to lose control of

  himself. He had a patient in need of care and that came above all else.



  "Why yes, he is. This way if you please, Doctor," Kasumi said as

  she led Tofu into the living room. Tofu was grateful that she caught his

  cue and played along. As usual, Soun and Genma were sitting in the

  engawa, engrossed in another shogi match.



  "Mr. Saotome?" Kasumi said cheerfully as ever, "You have a

  visitor."



  Both Genma and Soun looked up at Tofu, then stared at him in

  shock for a second. They got up quickly and bowed.



  "Good evening, Sensei," Soun said as he bowed.



  "Is Ranma all right?" Genma asked as he straightened up and

  looked concerned.



  If I try to explain this straight out, he is simply going to

  scoff and say the boy will recover the same way he always has before. I

  have to do something to make him realize the seriousness of this

  situation. Much of Ranma's trouble comes from that damnable Nekko-ken

  training anyway. Genma's a good hearted soul, it's just that he is

  entirely too rough and doesn't listen very well. Aha! There's my

  solution I think, Tofu said silently to himself as he carefully studied

  Genma's physique. What he had in mind would not work on everyone, but he

  could now see that Genma was among the few susceptible to the particular

  cure, er..treatment Tofu had in mind. The technique was commonly used as

  a prank on new trainees, just begining to learn the rudiments ubijutsu.



[You left an n out of beginning.]



  Sensei's often used it on new students to teach them caution.



[What does sensei own here?]



  Taking full advantage of his lanky frame and decptive movements,



[You left an e out of deceptive.]



  Tofu quickly closed on Genma and rubbed his kneck and shoulders. He was



[neck.  need a comma after was.]



  of course, applying judicious amounts of pressure to specific parts of

  Genma's body.



  "Now you should be able to hear a gnat land a hundred meters

  away, Genma-kun," Tofu said in a voice so low he should not have been

  heard by anyone.



  Genma quickly covered his ears with both hands as his eyes grew

  wide with shock.



  "Don't worry," Tofu subvocalized, "It will only last a few



[The spell checker doesn't like subvocalized.  It doesn't have any 

suggestions, though, and it looks fine to me.]



  hours."



[Snip.]



  That would be very nice," Tofu said with short bow, "Thank you



[missing quote mark at the beginning of the sentence.]



  very much."



  Genma again covered his ears with both hands and moaned as Tofu

  spoke. Clearly he regretted the latter action, stopping in mid-moan with

  a little sqeak that was almost equally devastating.



[left a u out of squeak.]



  Kasumi pried the adult proof cap off the aspirin bottle. It



[adult-proof.  Compound adjective.]



  opened with a faint pop, causing Genma to dive for cover. This action of

  course caused several noises which Genma seemed to immediately regret.



[This action, of course, caused....  Need commas.]



  He returned to an upright position, moving as though he were preparing

  to go into the Umisen-ken. Just as he got straightened out, Kasumi shook

  two aspirin out of the small, plastic bottle. Tofu knew for a fact that

  Genma was bald, but he could have sworn the man's hair stood straight up

  as Genma tried to shield his face from what was obviously an exploding

  aspirin bottle.



[Snip.]



  Genma winced and jammed a finger in each ear, then looked down at

  his chest. Uh-huh, Tofu thought to himself. When you do that your

  heartbeat drives you nuts and the sounds from outside get through

  anyway.



[From his comments, Tofu's obviously had this technique used on him at some 

point.]



  "I have no worries about Ranma's manliness, just his

  indecisiveness."



  "Ranma has good reason for some of his indecisiveness, Tendo-san.

  I think perhaps we should discuss that topic on some later date. What is

  your opinion of him has a martial artist?"



  Genma was beginning to look like a middle-aged man trapped in the

  mosh pit at metal concert.



[Not the type of music I listen to, but isn't it heavy metal?  And you left 

the article out.]



  "Gifted, is the only word for him. He has a great deal yet to



[Superfluous comma after gifted.]



  learn, but he is already better than all but a handful of martial

  artists that I know about. I do believe however, he should spend a bit



[need comma after believe.]



  more time in meditation and he has neglected serious study in the use of

  weapons."



  "Saotome Genma, what is your opinion?



  "I agree with Tendo-kun for the most part. I do not doubt my

  son's manliness." Genma said in a soft, tiny voice. He paused to allow

  what Tofu knew sounded like the echoes in a vast cavern to die down,

  "Of his skill in the art, I think he will soon be a match for Happosai,

  if he isn't already. I suspect he sometimes holds back to avoid

  embarrassing or hurting the master."



  Much to Tofu's surprise, Soun nodded his head in agreement at

  Genma's last statement. Genma seemed about to succumb to exhaustion,

  until he noticed that Nabiki had been watching him out of the corner of

  one eye and now looked as though she might erupt into hysterics. Genma

  stared at her with a pleading look.



  "Tendo Nabiki," Tofu asked, "What is your opinion of Saotome

  Ranma's manliness?"



  Nabiki tried, but did not quite suppress a smirk before

  answering, "You mean when he's a guy or while he is cursed?"



  Tofu worked very hard at not appearing to be flustered.



  "In both his forms, please."



  "He is very much a guy. He's even worse when he's a girl," Nabiki

  said as her smirk became more pronounced, "He is especially bad when he

  is a girl and it is that time of the month."



  This took Tofu Ono back considerably. How had the boy endured

  this many problems and remained essentially sane? Tofu thought, anyone

  else he knew would have turned homicidal long before now. Aw, nuts! Now

  I've got to explain to him about visiting a gynecologist. That won't be

  any fun. Do I have any lady gynecologists on my reference list? Only

  Takahashi-sensei. That means I'll have to go with Ranma across town to

  see her. The change of scene would do him some good, but it wouldn't do

  to let him wonder about Tokyo on his own right now. Tofu let out an

  involuntary sigh. Thankfully at least, Takahashi-san specialized in

  strange cases.



  "It's only happened the one time, Doctor," Kasumi said, "A long

  time ago. When Ko Lon gave him the Whole Body Cat's Tongue."



  Tofu noted that Genma was beginning to calm down considerably.

  Must be the aspirin kicking in, he thought. He checked his watch. Yep,

  it's the aspirin.



  "Oh, I see!" So it is an irregular occurrence. I wonder why he



[Extra quote mark after see.  Tofu's still talking, right?]



  never..." Tofu cut himself off as he eyed Nodoka warily. Her face was as

  serene as ever, but she was beginning to shake. Time to change the

  subject, Tofu old buddy!



  "Thank the gods it's irregular!" Nabiki said, "He was as mean as

  Uncle Saotome with a hangover while that went on."



  This proved exactly the right thing to say at exactly the right

  moment. Everyone in the room, including Nodoka laughed about it. Genma



[need comma after Nodoka.]



  of course, visibly regretted it all. Tofu worried about what might

  happen now that Ranma could deliver ki attacks. It would not be too

  terribly worrisome had he grown up as a girl, but he had not grown up as

  a girl. Menstruation could easily cause him serious trouble with his



[You use the phrase "grown up as a girl" twice in the same sentence.  I would 

end that sentence with had not.]



  self-control. He would have to remember to discuss it with Ranma later.



[Snip.]



  Tofu noted that everyone but Genma was staring at Kasumi in

  shock. He decided to let this go on for a bit. He knew from observation

  that they seldom gave Kasumi credit for her real genius. The people of

  Nerima treated her with a good deal more respect than her own family

  did. She had over the years, become Nerima's version of Solomon the



[need comma after had.]



  Wise. Whenever neighbors got into a dispute, especially if it was one

  man arguing with another over something, it was almost always Kasumi

  they turned to as an objective arbiter. She specialized in untangling

  complicated knots with a single tub upon a single strand, in making the



[single tug, I believe.]



  crooked straight, and in making the obscure, plainly seen. In a way, her



[superfluous comma after obscure]



  family's ignorance of the role she played in Nerima was not surprising

  to him. When you are very close to something, it is often difficult to

  see all of it. Stay too close too long, and you will forget everything

  but what you can see day to day.



  Genma for his part, had been staring down at the floor.



[need comma after Genma.]



  Sometimes gentle little Kasumi's words could tear at a man's soul like a

  thousand gnashing teeth and Genma had just heard every little nuance in

  her voice. Tofu shuddered. He had not meant to be quite so cruel to the

  elder Saotome, but there was little help for it now. Genma's boulder

  like frame was beginning to sag visibly.



[boulder-like.  Compound adjective.]



  It was Nodoka that broke the silence first. "I am very pleased

  to hear many of the things everyone has to say about my son, but I still

  worry about him in one respect. He seems to lack a manly interest in

  girls." Nodoka's face was as serene and cool as a mountain lake on a

  calm day, but Tofu could see tears building up in the corners of her

  eyes.



  Genma, whose posture was now suggestive of a slumping pile of

  human goo, stared at Nodoka as though she might be the gelatinous movie

  monster. He's listening to her tear ducts, Tofu thought, Poor bastard.



  "You mistake Ranma's innate nobility for a lack of manliness,

  Auntie Nodoka!" Kasumi said, "Thanks to the attractiveness of his cursed

  form, Ranma has a profound understanding of the more painful things

  about being a woman."



  Much to Tofu's relief, he could see the light of revelation

  dawn in Nodoka's tear glazed eyes. Finally! Now maybe I can get to the

  point. This seppeku business has to stop immediately. It was time for



[Isn�t it seppuku?  That�s how I�ve always seen it.]



  him to speak.



  "With the respect that is due to all of you, I have a rather

  higher opinion of Saotome Ranma. I see a great many different people

  suffering from a great many different ailments. Ranma is the only person

  I know capable of enduring what he has endured without breaking.

  Everyone else I know would have run away, or become insane, or become a

  criminal. Ranma has done none of these things. Most of his flaws, stem

  from undervaluing things he shouldn't."



  Tofu paused to see if he still had their attention. Satisfied

  on this point, he continued.



  "I do not question Ranma's manliness, I envy it. Courage and

  self-control such as his are rare, even among the highly trained.

  However, this is not the main reason for my being here this evening. I

  have come to you because despite Ranma's prodigious durability, he is



[need comma after because.]



  human and like all humans, he has his limits. Those limits were reached



[need comma after and.]



  yesterday, perhaps sometime before yesterday."



  This earned Tofu a round of concerned stares and everyone looked

  as though they were about to speak at the same time, so he held his hand

  up for silence and hurriedly continued with what he had to say.



  "I treat a great many people who suffer from stress related



[stress-related.  Compound adjective.]



  illnesses. It is a very, very common problem in modern day Japan. Ranma



[modern-day.  Compound adjective.  Need comma after Ranma.]



  however, has a rather unique, stress related illness. One that no



[stress-related.  Compound adjective.]



  Japanese person that I know of has had in many years."



  Tofu fell silent and waited for someone to ask, mainly because he

  wanted to see who felt themselves most qualified to help. As he

  expected, it was Soun Tendo who spoke up first.



  "What is so unique about Ranma's problem, Sensei?" Soun asked.



  "He suffers from combat fatigue."



  Tofu's highly trained ears told him that every heart in the room

  but his had just stopped beating for a second. Here it comes, he

  thought.



  "Combat fatigue!" The family chorused, all but Nabiki that is.

  She nodded her head, looking not the least bit surprised. Cool, Tofu

  thought. She is always so very goddamned cool. She's basically a warrior

  at heart, but I'll bet she falls to pieces while she is alone in her

  room at night. I'll have to keep an eye on her. Tofu waited until the

  flurry of questions, claims, counterclaims, conjectures and accusations

  faded away before trying to speak. Sometimes it was best to let a group

  of people vent their emotions. It helped them clear their minds. The

  noise of course, greatly accelerated Genma's rate of liquefaction.



  "As I said before, I treat a great many patients with stress

  related problems. Most of them are salarymen, who by the way, are often



[stress-related.  Compound adjective.  Need comma after who.]



  very manly. Because stress related illnesses are so common, I have



[stress-related.  Compound adjective.]



  studied them a great deal over the past few years. Combat fatigue,

  though it is a stress related illness, has unique symptoms and unique



[stress-related.  Compound adjective.]



  causes. The primary cause is the victim's constant fear of dying. The

  other sometimes unrecognized cause is..."



  "The dread of having to kill others," Nabiki said, interrupting

  Tofu.



  "That is correct, Nabiki."



  Nodoka both stared down at the table in morose silence. Tofu cold

  see that she was struggling to hold back a flood of tears. Genma, still

  slip-sliding into a viscous puddle of utterly boneless humanity, fixed

  his large, staring eyes upon Nodoka as though she were the one about to

  change shape.



  "Fortunately, the cure for Ranma's condition is quite simple.

  All he needs is rest. A refuge from the source of his stress. What would

  be better though, would be to completely eliminate the stress or as many

  sources of it as possible."



  The silence was now smothering. Tofu watched as Nabiki and

  Kasumi exchanged quick glances with one another and their father. Genma

  and Nodoka continued to stare at the table as three pairs of Tendo eyes

  settled upon Nodoka. Tofu let it go on for a minute or so, but it seemed

  a century came and went. He could tell that Nodoka was not going to

  mention the contract she and Genma had made with Ranma, as he had hoped.

  Probably too embarrassed, Tofu thought. Had it been any other patient

  with most any other family he would have allowed matters to stand as

  they were and hoped that the family would have done what was necessary

  to help their son, but this was no ordinary family. They were proud and

  strong and both those traits were hindering them now. Suddenly, a

  potential, face saving solution occurred to him.



[face-saving.  Compound adjective.  Superfluous comma after potential.]



  "I am curious about something and have long wanted to ask Ranma

  this question, but I have not wanted to risk embarrassing him. I should

  like to ask it now and I will apologize if it causes anyone here any

  discomfort or concern."



  During another, prolonged silence, Genma some how pulled



[superfluous comma after another.  Somehow should be one word.]



  himself back into something resembling a semi-human shape and responded.





[Another extra line break.]



  "Please ask your question, Sensei. We will do our best to answer

  it honestly."



  "Isn't Ranma qualified to carry a sword, by now? I should think

  he is more than worthy to be a protector of the Saotome Clan by now."



[You end both sentences with "by now."  I would remove the second one.]



  No one said anything, but Nodoka nodded.



  "I am glad to hear that my estimate of him is accurate," Tofu

  said with his sunniest smile, "I do admire him very much." Tofu realized

  that he may as well have used a cat 'o nine tails on the Saotomes. He

  winced inwardly. He really wanted to get the contract away from Nodoka

  and burn it right here on the table with their assent, but that would be

  asking too much of them too quickly. He would wait and hope Nodoka would

  think of it on her own.



  "I have given Ranma a special sedative. I expect he will wake

  up just before noon tomorrow. I would imagine that he will be ravenous

  when he does. Perhaps you should all come to the clinic then and try to

  cheer him up."



  Even Nabiki smiled and nodded at this. Tears were running down

  Nodoka's face in small rivulets, but she smiled and nodded her head

  vigorously.



  "Good! I should be getting back to my patients," Tofu said in

  his most cheerful voice, "Oh, by the way. I have asked Akane to stay at

  the clinic. One of Ranma's symptoms is a profound fear that something

  will happen to her. He is much calmer in her presence. I hope you don't

  mind, Tendo-san."



  Soun began to blubber, "If it will help Ranma, I have no

  objections Sensei."



  Genma's head jerked around to face his best friend as he stared

  at Soun in wide eyed horror. Good, Tofu thought. You need to listen to



[wide-eyed.  Compound adjective.]



  the tears you cause, Genma Saotome. Perhaps tonight you will learn a

  little more about being fully human.



  Tofu bowed, then said, "I must be going. I thank you all for

  your attention and please forgive my intrusion."



  Everyone began to protest that he had not intruded and began

  asking him to stay for dinner as he stood up. Out of the corner of his

  eye, Tofu caught the rapt admiration in Kasumi's eyes and felt his

  self-control begin to slip. He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration.

  Why, oh why can't I get a grip on this? Fortunately for him, the ever

  patient Kasumi seemed to understand.



  "Nabiki, would you see the Doctor to the door for me? I need to

  check on some things in the kitchen."



  "Sure, sis," Nabiki said cheerily, "May I walk with you to the

  clinic, Sensei?"



  Tofu was relieved at this. He wanted to speak with Nabiki

  before she spoke with Ranma, anyway.



  Tofu was relieved that Nabiki made the offer and gladly accepted

  it. He wanted to speak with Nabiki before she spoke with Ranma, anyway.



[These last two paragraphs are nearly identical.]



  Once outside the gates, Nabiki's curiosity got the best of her.

  Her nimble mind had inferred a great deal, but that only whetted her

  appetite for more facts to chew on. She was not impelled by her

  intellect alone. Something had touched her earlier in the day just

  before Tofu had come to the nurse's station. She knew in the core of her

  soul that it had been Ranma, but she could not understand how it had

  happened. She had done everything she could think of to kill the

  feelings that would make such a thing possible. Why were they surfacing

  again now?



  "How bad off is Ranma, Ono-sensei?" She asked as she took Tofu's

  right arm.



  "Well, he hasn't got a case of the thousand-yard stares just yet,





[You hyphenate the compound adjective thousand-yard, so why are you missing 

all the others?]



  but it could happen without warning. Given Ranma's abilities, the

  results could be tragic."



  "Thousand-yard stares?"



  The lower edge of the sun, now a huge, flaming red ball touched



[need comma after touched.  Or use a dash and replace the comma after sun 

with a dash.]



  the distant rooftops.



  "A condition diagnosed by every major combatant during WWII. It

  is hard to describe, but once you've seen the pictures of someone

  afflicted with it you can never forget. A man in that condition is

  deadly dangerous to everyone around him, even his friends and allies.

  The technical term for it is "hyper-arousal" Of the two terms, it is the

  more descriptive of the two without showing a picture of a victim."



  "In other words, Ranma is ticking away like a bomb."



  "More like an old fashioned bomb. The kind with a lit fuse. The

  "bomb" if you will, is easily defused by giving him some time away from

  the source of stress. Without that rest, things could go tragically

  wrong--and with almost no more warning than we have now. A sudden threat

  of any kind, real or imagined bythe victim will trigger the worst of



[missing space between by the.  Need comma after victim, or dash there and 

after kind.  I prefer the latter option in this case.]



  it's symptoms. It's not too terribly different from the Nekoken really,



[To paraphrase, "...will trigger the worst of it is symptoms."]



  except that Ranma would be able to use his intellect better."



  Nabiki shivered at the thought of a Neko-Ranma gifted with

  intelligence and some of his more advanced techniques. The immediate

  destruction of several people she knew would be a foregone conclusion.



  "Do you think he might slip into the Nekoken without warning?"



  "No, this would be different. Quoting a military officers manual

  on the subject, the fact is that overstressed human beings with loaded



[The spell checker says make over stressed two words.  I'm not sure I agree.]



  weapons are inherently dangerous. Ranma, thanks to his extensive

  training, is a loaded weapon in his own right. Unfortunately, he is also

  overstressed. Have you read any of the old legends about the berserkers

  or the amoks?"



  Nabiki nodded.



  "I am reasonably sure those were sufferers of combat fatigue. The

  Nekoken training was a deliberate atttempt to create a berserk. It was



[Create a berserk?  Isn't berserk an adjective?]



  abandoned because the majority of the trainees became listless masses of

  quivering nerves. Combat fatigue is much the same. The majority simply

  become listless wrecks, but Ranma's Nekoken is a kind of hyper-arousal

  state. I don't want to take any chances with his combat fatigue. He will

  most likely develop a classic hyper-arousal state.



[Missing quote mark at the end.]



  "How long have you been watching this develop, Ono-sensei?"



  "I've been worried about him since I learned of his Nekko-ken



[Here you use Nekko with a double k.  Before it was single.  Be consistant.]



  training. The effects of psychological stress are cumulative. The signs

  of stress related trouble have become a little worse with every visit he



[stress-related.  Compound adjective.]



  has made to the clinic. I became seriously worried about it just before

  this recent trip to China," Tofu said, "then I noticed that his symptoms

  were much more pronounced the day he came back."



  "Why didn't you say something about it months ago then?"



  "Because I was not certain of my diagnosis and I was fairly sure

  that neither of Ranma's parents would listen."



  "You've got a point, Doc. I'm certain Panda-man would have

  scoffed at you, especially if you had said anything in front of Aunt

  Nodoka. I'm pretty sure Daddy would have listened though."



  "Perhaps I made a mistake then," Tofu said, sounding contrite.



  "No, I don't think you can call it a mistake. You made the best

  call you could based on what you knew at the time. What do you need me

  to do?"



  "I want you, to make your sister's life a little easier," Tofu

  said with a smile, "because I happen to know it is well within your

  power to do so."



  Nabiki smirked at him. "Oh, you think making things easier for

  Ranma would Akane's life easier, right?"



[Nabiki's asking about what she can do to help Ranma, and Tofu answers that 

she should help Akane.  The implication is that helping Akane will help 

Ranma, but here Nabiki states that in reverse.  Make sure you mean that.]



  Tofu nodded his head.



  "What does Ranma want with me?"



  "Anything I might tell you at this point would be a guess, and

  I'm sure your guesses would be much better than mine."



  "I'll do everything I can do for Akane, Ono-san. Much of what

  I've done so far has been to..."



  "You needn't explain, Nabiki-chan. I know much about your family

  from my other patients. The elderly ones who have lived here for a long

  time love to tell stories. You'd be surprised how many comment on how

  much like your mother you are."



  Nabiki felt the sting of tears at the back of her eyes, but

  maintained her composure. She was not surprised by this news. Since she

  had begun loaning money to the skilled labor working in the shops and

  small factories on Forges Street, she had heard that statement more than

  once. Apparently, her mother could be a certifiable bitch when it came

  to collecting debts. On the other hand, she also very often heard how

  much like Kasumi her mother had been. It all depended on who was telling

  the tale. Several even mentioned how much like Akane mom could be from

  time to time, usually while rubbing their heads. The thought of it made

  Nabiki smile.



  "The stories about how nice my mom was I can understand," Nabiki

  said, "What I have never understood is the high regard so many have for

  my Dad and Saotome-san."



  Tofu smiled at her, almost laughing, "Sometimes one sort of demon

  is very much preferable to another sort."



  "Even if the demons are Fiends of the Happosai?"



  "Especially, if they are friends of Happosai." Tofu laughed.



  "Ono-sensei?"



  "Yes, Nabiki-chan?"



  "Can Ranma ever be cured of the Nekko-ken?"



[double k in Nekko again.]



  "I don't know for sure. Certainly he cannot be cured without a

  lot of therapy and unfortunately, the normal course of treatment for

  such phobias is very risky in his case."



  Nabiki stopped walking forcing Tofu to pause with her. Somewhere

  in the distance, a nightingale sang. A gentle breeze rustled their hair.





[extra line break.]



  "Why?"



  "Because the usual method of treatment is to expose the victim to

  his or her fears until they become desensitized. In Ranma's case, he

  enters a special kind of hyper-arousal state that is dangerous to him

  and everyone around him. It would not be so bad were it not for his

  ability to use his ki so effectively."



  "So, as Ranma becomes a better martial artist, the more dangerous

  his Nekoken becomes."



  "It can't get much more dangerous than it is now," Tofu said

  with as shrug as he led Nabiki towards the clinic, "Everything has its

  limits, but a Ranma with the thousand yard stares would be much, much



[thousand-yard.  Compound adjective.  And you'd always gotten that one 

before.]



  worse. In his cat state he can be distracted. In a purely hyper-arousal

  state with his intellect fairly intact, distraction will not work. He

  would tend to destroy anything that moves without distinguishing between

  friend or foe. Everything becomes a target to men in that state."



  "How come this has not been more of a problem in the past?"



  "In times of war it is very often a problem, but it is seldom

  reported. Even so, cases like Ranma's are pretty rare. Only about one

  case of combat fatigue in two-hundred manifests these symptoms."



[I'm not sure two hundred should be hyphenated.]



  "He is like this because of his parents," Nabiki said, the

  words fighting their way past the lump in her throat, "Isn't he?"



  "You may well be right. Current research suggests that

  upbringing and an unstable home life are far more important than

  individual personalities as predictors of who will, or will not suffer

  from this malady. Almost all of them led lives of harsh discipline or

  home lives bereft of love and nurturing during early childhood."



  "How likely is Ranma to become abusive of his own family?"



  "He may become quite abusive of his father in the near term, but

  if you are asking about a wife or children, I'd say the probability is

  quite low in Ranma's case."



  A street light came on overhead as they walked beneath it.



  "Why?"



  "What irritates Akane about him the most?"



  "He doesn't take her training seriously enough," Nabiki said,

  then stopped in front of the clinic door and stared at Tofu. "He's

  scared to death he might hurt her!"



[Why didn't Tofu point this out to Akane?  Or, as seems to be his MO in this, 

toss her leading questions until she realizes it?  He would have had the 

perfect opening when she said something about Ranma respecting her as a 

martial artist.]



  Tofu smiled. "If he trains her, he will hurt her. It is part of

  the process. Ranma cannot bring himself to do her any harm, even though

  she very much wants and needs the training." Tofu unlocked the door and

  the two of them went inside.



[Snip.]



  "This one's dangerous, so I want you to think about first. Okay?"





[Extra line break.]



  "Who?"



[Snip.]



  "Yeah, it was me," Ranma said with an irritable wave of the

  hand, "I didn't meant to. I'll have it under control in a couple of



[I didn't mean to.]



  days. Don't let it bother you none."



[Snip.]



  "It's too late now," Nabiki said with sigh as she straightened up

  and stretched. Ranma vigorously nodded his head in agreement, then

  winced at the eye-watering pain the motion caused.



[You got eye-watering.  So why couldn't you get stress-related?]



  "I guess I'll just have to let Akane keep you."



  Ranma's very wide open eyes became firmly fixed upon the

  ceiling.



  "Have I ever told you how handsome you are when you're

  embarrassed?" Nabiki asked. Ranma, to her great delight, became even

  more flustered. She brushed his bangs away from his eyes with one hand,

  causing him to look her in the face. Nabiki did not mind. She wanted to

  show him that he really was loved.



  "Boy! I never had a chance, did I?" Ranma asked.



  Nabiki shook her head and smiled. "Never did. Never will,

  Saotome. You are going to marry a Tendo," she said as she continued to

  play with his bangs.



  "I got lot's of stuff to do first."



[Who's lot and what's he own?]



  "I know, Ranma," Nabiki said, pausing to swallow back a knot in

  her throat, "You both do. Just don't take too long, okay?"



  Tears began to swim around the edges of Ranma's eyes. He nodded

  his head.



  "Doc Tofu says you need to rest, so rest now. I'll go get

  Operation Rose Garden underway."



  "What about Xian Pu, got a project name for her?"



  "Nope. I'm gonna cover it all under one allocation for

  expenditure," Nabiki said with one of her most predatory of smiles, "Get

  some sleep, Little Brother."



  Nabiki quit playing with Ranma's bangs and left. He let out a

  sigh and thanked all the kami of Japan for Akane Tendo. Then as an

  afterthought, he said a prayer for whoever it was Nabiki would

  eventually chose for a husband. He would need divine intervention more

  than any other man who had ever lived. It began to dawn on him then that

  Akane's sisters regarded him as family. As he basked in this new found

  warmth, sleep crept up on him quietly and took him without a struggle.



  A few moments later, Nabiki came back into the room and cleaned

  up the remains of Ranma's shattered teacup. Rather than throw the shards

  away, she tipped them into a resealable, plastic bag. Nabiki held the



[superfluous comma after resealable.  And spell check doesn't like that word, 

but doesn't have anything better to offer.]



  bag up so that she could see the pieces in the dim lighting and smiled.



  "Nothing like a fire to fight a fire with," she whispered to

  herself.



["People who fight fire with fire are usually left with ashes."]



  Nabiki Tendo rushed home. She needed some sleep for tomorrow

  would be one of the busiest she had endured in a long time. She smiled

  at the prospect of it. She loved challenges.



  -----------



  Nerima is subject to have a strange day on any given day of the

  week, and usually does have. However, the strangest days in Nerima

  usually occur between Friday and Monday as may be logically expected

  because even the denizens of Nerima must strive to earn a living. The



[This sentence is really awkward.  IMO: However, the strangest days in Nerima 

usually occur between Friday and Monday, as may be logically expected.  Even 

the denizens of Nerima must strive to earn a living.]



  district's strangeness index tends to go up on the weekends when the

  majority of Nerimians have a little more time on their hands that what

  is entirely healthy for them. Such circumstance do not however, prevent



[Either circumstances do or circumstance does.  I think you want the former.]



  Nerima from having a very peculiar day arise during the week. This

  particular Tuesday was one of those, not so rare exceptions.



[Superfluous comma after those.]



  Ko Lon suspected that the incoming tsunami of chaos had actually

  begun to build up on Sunday, the day of Tendo's attempt to wed his

  daughter to her son-in-law. She also suspected that Shan Pu had

  something to do with germinating the nascent, strange attractor because

  she had dressed in her finest clothes and was absent for most of that

  day. Late that Sunday evening, something woke Ko Lon up. This was not

  unusual in and of itself. Ko Lon had been elderly for some three-hundred

  years and she, like many of the elderly, needed little in the way of

  sleep, often had trouble going to sleep, and was easily wakened. What

  was so unusual was the nature of what woke her up. It was a very

  peculiar surge of ki. The event was nearby but faint. Unlike most faint

  surges of ki, this one was steady, not staccato and it did not taper



[need comma after staccato.]



  off. It stopped abruptly without a trailing tingle. She had felt it

  again on Monday evening while in the bath and it had wakened her again

  shortly after going to bed on Monday night.



  Still, such a surge was not in and of itself a frightening thing.

  Nerima had more than its fair share of accomplished martial artists. Ko

  Lon remembered experiencing a similar event in her early youth. No, what

  had been frightening was the voice she heard in the wee hours of this

  Tuesday morning. It had made her sit up in bed with a start. It had been

  Most Revered Grandmother using her ki voice, speaking to Ko Lon from far

  off Qinghai. "Beware the Cold Dragon, Ko Lon," Ancient Mother had said.

  The shear weight of centuries had made the old woman's voice dry and

  dusty. Hearing the message delivered in muffled tones, late at night,

  born by a distant person's ki made Ko Lon feel as though someone had

  spoken to her from the grave.



  Ko Lon had at first thought she had simply heard Revered

  Grandmother's voice in a dream, but she knew better after a mere

  second's worth of thought. No, Revered Grandmother's ki signature was

  unmistakable. The voice had not been a product of her sleep ridden



[sleep-ridden.  Compound adjective.]



  imagination. Ko Lon understood down to her very bones the terrible toll

  sending a message in such a fashion took on Revered Grandmother's frail

  body. She herself had been bedridden for two days the last time she had

  accomplished such a feat, and Revered Grandmother was twice Ko Lon's

  age. If Revered Grandmother thought the matter important enough to run

  such a terrible risk to her own health, then something important and

  probably very dangerous was afoot.



[Snip.]



  At nine in the morning Cologne began to get a feel for just how

  strange this event would be. She had just finished putting the

  vegetables into the soup, Muu Suu had just finished washing the last of

  the dishes and Xian Pu was greatfully taking a break having just



[gratefully]



  finished with the floors and tables when the telephone rang.



  "Hello?" Cologne said into the infernal device.



  "Yes, we do deliver takeout. Where and when, please?"



  Cologne scribbled down the order and hung up the telephone.



  "Xian Pu?" Cologne said.



  "Yes, Great-grandmother?"



  "I want you to..."



  She was cut off by another ring of the telephone.



  "Nekkohanten, may I help you?"



[double k]



  "Yes, of course! Where and when would you like it delivered?"



  "What's that? Oh, certainly we can have there right on time. We do

  that all the time. Yes, of course! No problem. Bye, bye!"



  "Xian Pu I want you to..."



  The telephone rang.



  "Nekkohanten, may I help you?"



[double k]



  "I see. Where and when would you like it delivered?"



  Cologne wrote down the specifics for the third takeout order of

  the day. It was long an complicated.



  "Xian Pu I need you to..."



  The telephone rang.



  "Answer this damned thing so I can cook!" Ko Lon said in a near

  howl of fury, "Mu Suu!"



  "Yes, Honored Elder!" Mu Suu said, looking obeisant with every

  fiber of his being.



  "Check stock!" Ko Lon said, sounding for all the world like a

  seasoned officer extricating her troops from an ambush, "Have you fixed

  the tire on your bicycle yet?"



  "Not yet, Honored Elder," Mu Suu said as he dove down into the

  basement storage room.



  "Hurry every chance you get! We are in for a busy day."



  The telephone rang.



  "Nekkohanten! What Xian Pu do to you today?"



[double k]



  "We're low on noodles and there isn't a shrimp in sight!"



  "What about pork?"



  "Sure, I deliver plenty!"



  "Okay on pork. Low on chicken though!"



  "What you mean? Xian Pu not desert! Xian Pu delivery person!"



  "Go fix that tire then get in here and take care of that bloody

  ring-a-ling thing!"



  "Where that is? No way! Xian Pu no deliver that place! Is love

  hotel!"



  Xian Pu was not slow witted and she could do a perfectly good job

  of receiving an order while getting it right, but her telephone presence

  sometimes invited delay. It was amusing on slow days, but this was not a

  slow day.



  "How are we on vegetables, Mu Suu?"



  "Is okay. Xian Pu deliver there, but you no behave you be sorry!"





[extra line break.]



  "Tons, still!"



  The telephone rang again before Xian Pu could remove her hand

  from the headset.



  "I'll go fix the tire now," Mu Suu said, emerging from the

  storeroom.



  "Nekkohanten! What Xian Pu do to you today?"



[double k]



  "Nevermind the bicycle, Mu Suu! Just get your ass in here and

  take care of this damned, ring-a-ling-a-thing!"



[superfluous comma after damned.]



  "Sure! Xian Pu deliver anytime, anywhere!" Xian Pu said into the

  phone, followed by her chirping giggle. "Whipped cream? What that for?"





  -----------



[Whew.  Three hours for this.  It's now 1:30 in the morning, which is why my 

replies got quite terse toward the end.  I won't be sending it until later, 

as the web-based email I use is currently undergoing maintenance and is not 

available.



[I can't guarantee that I found everything, but I'm sure I found most of it.  

As I said before, excellent story.  I'm looking forward to the next part!]




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