kukuru@mac.com wrote:
*thoughts*
No need to state the obvious. We can tell this from context.
Tentacles few out from a blubbery gray mass of goo that resided
on top of a platform. It wasn't human or anything resembling that of a
humanoid. Anyone with enough common sense or lack thereof would call
it a monster.
would have called (past tense)
Also, the 'common sense' thing is confusing. Enough for what? If you
mean enough to call it a monster, then obviously someone who lacked that
wouldn't call it a monster.
Perhaps something like:
Anyone with an ounce of common sense, or even anyone without an ounce of
common sense, would have called....
That was why there was a responding loud, high-pitched,
scream accompanied by the existence of such a creature.
Clumsy wording here. Maybe
That was why a loud, high-pitched scream accompanied the arrival of such
a creature.
Or
That was why a loud, high-pitched scream wailed through the air as such
a creature arrived.
Or something like that. Try to keep the phrasing active and as direct as
possible.
In a shimmering white dazzling display of lights the creature of
goo slowly faded as well as its attached tentacles.
"as well as" is odd here. Perhaps "slowly faded, taking its attached
tentacles with it" if you really think that last bit doesn't go without
saying.
The door of the room with which the platform resided in slowly
room in which the platform resided slowly
opened up to reveal a pretty young woman with a crisp white apron
with delicate frills. She was holding a spotless silver tray that held
up a
cup of hot liquid.
tray that held a cup
or
tray, on which rested a cup
(Best not to repeat the same verb in the same paragraph if you can help
it. Also, you've got a word wrap problem here.)
"Oh my! Is something wrong Mio?"
wrong, Mio?"
The response was from another woman that stood next to a
stone pedestal. Both of the two women in the room could better be
described as cute girls as they both looked to be of teenage years
could be better described (or just take out "better," since it's not
clear *what* it would be better than)
based on human physiology. The one with the tray was the shorter of
the two, but not by much; it was an almost unnoticeable difference.
Her light brown hair was also an almost unnoticeably shorter then the
light blue hair girl next to the pedestal. The most noticeable of the
two
was the clothing. The blue haired girl called Mio was dressed in a
The most noticeable feature of the two....
Also, three uses of "noticeable" in as many sentences. Change some of
these; variety is the spice of writing.
"That must have been really bad, maybe you should stop for
Run-on sentence.
"It's always the same Bell, it's always been monsters. Why can't I
always the same, Bell. (As written, she's complaining that Bell is
always the same.) That's also a run-on.
Bell looked at Mio with concern. "It's not that bad sis, not all of
your tries were monsters.
Run-on.
Mio gave her sisters a loud snort. "I would put him even worse
sister, unless there's another present we haven't been told about.
Bell sighed in defeat to cheer her sister up, "I guess you're right,
Why should sighing in defeat cheer her sister up? Me no understand.
"Thanks Bell, This is my only chance, and I'm not going to give
"Thanks, Bell.
up," declared Mio with a renewed determination. She Picked up the
picked (no caps)
"Becareful Mio, it's still ho?" It was too late?
"Be careful, Mio, (2 words + comma). Also, please use ascii ...
characters.
Mio flung her arms wildly and was in all sense unable to get any
Suggest removing "in all sense;" it's confusing and doesn't seem to add
anything.
The platform which previously held the gooey tentacle monster,
which had previously held
You don't need a comma after monster.
"What, what, what?" the now third girl, spouted in confusion,
Don't need a comma after girl.
obviously having no knowledge of what happened. Franticly she spun her
Frantically, she
head around to scan the room and the platform to figure out what had
happen. "Where am I? Where's the water? What happened to the pond?"
happened.
The other two girls in the room could only stare at the newly arrived
third girl motionless,
could only stare motionless at the...
or
could only stare at the newly arrived motionless third...
(depending on who is motionless, which I'm unclear on.)
rather then answer the mass assault of
than
Before Bell could respond, Mio regained her composure and spoke
before Bell could. "It doesn't matter, I'll send you back in a moment,
this was all a mistake."
Run-on.
Ranma just shrugged, "Ok, then, no harm done. When I get back
I'm going to pound pop for throwing me into the pond."
Pop (caps)
"I guess you'll be staying a while Ranma. Don't worry, I'm sure Mio
while, Ranma.
will fix it soon," Bell said trying to comfort Ranma. "We should get you
The "Don't worry" makes it rather obvious that her intent is to comfort
him. If she's putting an arm around his shoulder or something like that,
say so. Otherwise I can't see any need to mention this.
out of those soaked clothes too, you might catch a cold like that."
"And if you want to stay here, you'll have to learn to use run-on
sentences, they're required." :)
Ranma looked down on her thoroughly soaked shirt and pants and
sighed. "Just my luck, I could of at least been sent here before I hit
the
pond, but noo--I had to hit the water first," shifting her
first." Shifting
glazed from
Huh?
Bell to Mio, Ranma noticed something was wrong. "What's wrong? You
look kind of down."
"Gone?gone?my only hope gone?" moaned a sorely depressed
Mio.
"She's just a little depressed right now, Mio will be fine,"
Run-on.
commented Bell. "Come on sister, why don't we help Ranma-chan here
on,
with some dry clothes."
Ranma cautiously followed behind Bell while looking back every so
often at Mio who hung her head in depression mumbling something in
the category of all hope lost. *Sheesh she can match Ryouga on the
*Sheesh, she
depression scale. Hate to see her pull a shi shi hodan*
hokodan.* (Or Hoboken if yer from Joisey.)
"Are you sure she's alright?" Ranma asked not fully believing
Bell's words.
"Mio becomes like this sometimes. She's strong though, she'll get
over it."
Run-on.
Ranma nodded in defeat, but still not fully believing.
Suggest moving this line to a different paragraph, since it deals with
Ranma and the dialog line was Bell's.
< OH MY! >
Eh? Who's saying or thinking this?
"What?! These are all dresses! I can't wear this!?" exclaimed a
Last ? seems out of place.
fuming Ranma.
Does this mean that the "OH MY!" was Ranma? I don't think he would put
it that way.
"Oh my! If you don't like them maybe Mio can lend you some more
well made dresses," replied a sincere Bell.
"Huh, what? Oh sure, I don't need them anymore anyway? All my
hopes gone?" muttered a still depressed Mio who still hung her head
down in defeat and hopelessness.
Doesn't Ranma think to ask what Mio's problem is? I'd kinda like to know
myself.
Giving Ranma the pleading, but sincere look that we all know and love
Huh? Who's "we?" Talking directly to the readers is generally considered
bad writing. It breaks the illusion that the story is actually
happening.
BTW, are we supposed to know who these people are? I don't. If this is a
crossover, it should've been tagged as such.
Bell asked, "Could you change for a short time? It shouldn't take long
for the clothes to dry."
Ranma sighed and closed her eye in deep thought.
He only has one?
Opening her eyes, finally having decided to tell the truth, "Umm
This sentence needing a verb.
Look Bell. I know it sounds kind of weird but I'm really a guy. I'm
Umm, look, Bell,
"Really?! You're really a guy?!" Mio then rapidly began looking at him
>from many different angles appraising a frightened Ranma in
excitement.
"appraising a frightened Ranma in excitement" reads pretty clumsy.
Suggest you reword.
Taken back Ranma slowly replied, "Umm yea? I'm really a guy, but
Taken aback, Ranma
"Wow! You really are a man!" exclaimed a now excited Mio.
Hadn't she already been excited before this?
"Ne, ne, tell me, can you fight? Are you a hero?" asked the now
excited Mio.
Here it is again. "Now excited" implies that she wasn't excited
previously. Try "even more excited." Or even better, use a different
word, since you've pretty much exhausted "excited."
Ranma was still in mild shock,
shock.
"Umm?" drawing up his senses
together, "of course I can fight, I'm the heir to the Anything goes
Need a verb. (And I'm not sure what "drawing up his senses together"
means anyway.)
Martial arts! I'm the best there is!" The old confident Ranma we all
know
and love finally shows itself.
Aaarg! Okay, I *do* know who Ranma is, but this still breaks the
integrity of the narration.
"I'll get right on it sister," said the ever cheerful Bell.
it,
A still flabbergast Ranma said nothing.
flabbergasted
Mio pulled a stumbling suit of armor holding a sword which was
obviously Ranma
To whom was it obvious? Everyone in the scene already knew Ranma was
going to be in the armor.
into the clearing with a small castle seen behind them.
"Go get that dragon my Hero!" shouted Mio.
dragon, my
"Good luck Ranma-kun!"
luck,
shouted Bell encouragingly along with Mio.
You don't need to state things like "encouragingly" if they're obvious
from the line of dialog. Save these for times when the tone isn't what
one might think. E.g. "Good luck, Ranma!" Nabiki said, her voice
dripping with sarcasm.
"What!?" replied Ranma. "I can't see a thing and I can barely move
in this dumb thing!"
A strong rumbling was heard, followed by another. Ranma sweat
dropped inside the armor. He knew enough something was not right.
He knew enough to figure out that something was not right. (Or something
to that effect. Gee, what was his first clue? :)
Trying franticly Ranma finally managed to pull up the visor of his metal
frantically, Ranma
helmet to get a better look at what was going on. He noticed a large
shadow has rested on him. It was a big dragon, and it did not look
had rested (past tense)
Some description of the dragon would help us picture it.
happy.
"Why me?" muttered a flabbergasted Ranma in the suit of
Repetition of "flabbergasted."
armor.
"Kick that dragon's behind, my Hero!" Ranma sighed at the Mio's
encouraging comment.
Remove "the." I'd also lose "encouraging" (stating the obvious) and move
this sentence to the next paragraph (the line is Mio's, but the sentence
is about Ranma.)
The mentioned dragon replied by swinging a big deadly claw at
Ranma. With much problem our reluctant hero managed to dodge the
"problem" doesn't quite work in this context. "difficulty" would fit
better.
attack and move back only to fall down.
"So, this is the hero?" intoned the dragon. "Let's see how well
you fair human." With that it renewed its attack with more frequent
fare, human."
swings of its deadly claws. Ranma franticly dodged them stumbling
frantically dodged them, (and "frantically" is a repeat)
every so often.
"He's not doing so good Mio, was it wise to rush him so soon to
good, Mio. Was
fight the dragon.
Question mark.
Maybe he was hungry and wanted to eat first" spoke
first,"
Bell.
"He's the Hero. I know he is. Ranma's the one I've been for waiting
for so long. He'll win. You'll see," assured Mio.
Ranma was still in no position to win, still franticly dodging.
And here's "frantically" one more time. You really need to invest in a
good thesaurus.
*Damn this armor is impossible to move in!*
Damn, this armor is impossible
or
Damn this armor! It's impossible
"Pathetic, human. Though you manage to dodge my claws has
some redemption, you will die," intoned the dragon. With a big huff it
breathed its trademark fire onto poor Ranma.
Umm... either this dragon's not very fluent in English, or that line of
dialog needs some work.
By this time Ranma had enough. Swinging his sword, Ranma threw
it at the Dragon. It had hit the dragon's claw while it was attempting
It hit the (use 'had' for things that happened prior to the current
moment in narration)
to
block the air born weapon, but it still hit. In response the dragon
airborne
"K--this time it's for real." Spoke out Ranma, now unhindered, in a
real," spoke
Suggest writing 'Kay rather than 'K; this doesn't convey the right sound
to me.
confindent voice.
"Die human." The dragon also now recovered took a great huff
"Die, human." The dragon, also now recovered, took
and breath out another stream of fire. Only this time Ranma wasn't
where it had aim. He easily leaped out of the way. The dragon tried
aimed.
"Time to get serious," commented Ranma. On the next leap,
Ranma changed into attack mode heading directly at the unprepared
mode, heading
"Hey, that was easier then I thought," commented Ranma.
I was just thinking the same thing. Guess they don't make dragons like
they used to. :)
Mio by this time came running up to him and gave him a fierce
hug. "You did it my Hero, I knew you would!" said a happy Mio.
it, my
"That was great Ranma-kun, let's go home and celebrate!"
great, Ranma-kun. Let's
"In just a moment Ranma-kun, I'll serve it up," replied Bell.
Run-on.
Ranma looked at Mio still latched onto him. That gave him
Mio, still
memories. "Umm could you get off me, Mio.."
"Of course my Hero?" responded Mio a little half heartedly.
course, my
"Say I've been wondering, why do you want me to beat that
dragon up anyway?"
"So we can get marry!" replied an excited Mio.
married!"
"Be right there sis!" called Mio.
there, sis!"
"I'm Ria. Is the Hero who defeated the dragon here?" The girl
that spoke was dressed in a deep green dress that matched her long
Don't repeat "dress," and take out the extra tabspace.
green hair. She was at about the same age as Mio, and for that matter,
Ranma, and Bell. The thing that caught her eyes were her deep red
eyes that seem to sparkle in an unnatural way.
caught Ranma's eyes, I think you mean.
"Mmm, this is great Bell! You're really a great cook!"
great, Bell!
Bell for the first time blush and replied meekly,
blushed
"Thank you
you,
Ranma."
Ranma gobbled the food down like there was no tomorrow, which
was probably to him, very likely.
which, to him, was probably very likely.
*This is not happening, this is not happening? Why me? Even
being sent to kami knows where, it's the same thing. The foods
food's
This idea in truth came to me in a half asleep dream yesterday. It kept
hounding me the whole way, I just had to write it. It might be buggy but
it's short. I wrote it all in the span of hours. Comments are wanted as
I don't know if I should continue it or for that matter much of where to
go from here.
You have the beginnings of what can be a fun story here. But it needs
some work. Besides the technical work that I've mentioned, what would
help it a lot is more detail and depth, especially as regards this world
in which Ranma has found himself. Your basic idea is not a bad one; but
it's a skeleton in need of flesh.
A good way to proceed would be to ask yourself questions. Why are Mio
and Ria the dragon enemies? From where did Mio get her summoning
platform? Does its use require something that needs to be re-stocked --
rocks, rare herbs, animal sacrifices, Mio's lifeforce? As a dragon, what
powers does Ria have (other than shapechanging, which we already know
about?) Who or what else has magical powers in this world? How do Bell
and Mio obtain food and other necessities? From where do Mio's and Ria's
marriage rules originate, and why do each of them follow them? Who has
political power in this world, and how do they feel about Bell and Mio?
About dragons? About extradimensional smartass martial artists? Etc.
Etc. Etc.
Once you have answers to some or all of these things, think them through
and see what other consequences your answers have for the world. If the
summoning platform is a one-of-a-kind artifact, then doubtless people
will be trying to steal it. OTOH, if such things aren't all that rare,
then perhaps someone else is using one as we speak.
DON'T give us a long encyclopedia-type exposition on your world's makeup
and history; this sort of thing is a sure way to bore off readers. The
important thing is that YOU know, so you can show us these things as
they become relevant and so you can show a consistent picture of all the
background details that make up a story.
For more on this, I suggest looking for a book by Orson Scott Card,
titled something like "Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy." This book
has a very good section on world-building (and the rest is highly
helpful too.)
Good luck with your story,
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html