My comments##
(I was about half way through
C&Cing the first draft when THIS one
came out. Some people just
type too fast. ^_^)
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 10:16:24 -0600
From: Don Granberry <lunohoco@lunohoco.com> | Block
address
Reply-to: lunohoco@lunohoco.com
Organization: LunoHoCo
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma][Repost] Comes the Cold Dragon
<SNIP>##a
VERY long introduction.
Ummm, when the intro is longer than some spamfics it
_might_ be time to edit it a tad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Comes the Cold Dragon
(Samui Ryuu ga Kita)
Part One REVISION ONE
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Onna-Ranma woke up weak at the knees and nauseated, only to
discover he was standing at the front of a room crowded with people.
Someone was holding her right arm and the music that was playing was so
loud it made his head hurt. His abdomen felt all puffy and he had that
greasy feeling that he got a couple of times back when Ko Lon had given
him the Full-Body Cat's Tongue. Worse, he was wearing his boxers and
could not feel a pad. He felt something tickling the back of his kneck
and realized that some idiot hand let his hair down. He looked down. He
was wearing a white dress.
"Oh, shit! What idiot dressed me in white on a day like...wait a
minute! Wait a fucking minute! This is a wedding dress!"
##more than _I_ wanted to know about Ranma's "special"
time. ^_^ I've got to admit the idea of Ranma worrying about
wearing white at "that time" is more jarring than some fic's that
have Ukyou kill&cook Akane. Or Nabiki acting human. ^_^
Onna-Ranma glanced around quickly, trying to figure out what was
going on. Sure enough, there was a priest in front of him, going on
about obedience and fidelity and ...CHILDREN? He glanced to his right
and the nausea became much worse, forcing him to gulp at the bile in his
throat. He was standing next to Kuno Tatewaki, who was now fumbling
around in his pockets as though trying to find something. He glanced
over his left shoulder and spied his old man, sitting on the aisle end
of the front pew.
"What the hell is going on, Old Man?"
"Look boy, since you and Akane never got along all that well,
Tendo and I decided to make a deal with the Kunos."
##<BG>
IMO this would have been better if you'd played it straight.
Having "onna-Ranma woke up" or wonder "what idiot dressed me"
makes it _more_ than obvious that this is not real. IMO better
to play it straight and let the reader think it's real as well. As a
dream sequence it's a little flat. Potentially pretty funny.
"With the Kunos?" Onna-Ranma felt a flood of adrenaline slam into
his bloodstream. "Both of 'em?"
"Yes! Just think son! This is your lucky day. You'll have two
weddings! First to your new husband and then in an hour or so, to your
new wife. The truly great beauty of it is, they're both rich!"
##Good thinking. ^_^
Onna-Ranma gritted her teeth in fury.
"And you needn't worry about Akane, either!" Nabiki interjected
from out of nowhere, "Her's and Ryoga's future is secure! The Kunos set
up a permanent, irrevocable trust for them and their kids."
"You may now kiss the bride!" The Priest happily proclaimed.
Ranma woke with a jerk. He regretted the jerk immediately. The
sudden motion caused the soft gauze of his bandages to grate against his
burns like so much sandpaper. Nor did the sudden motion do his head any
favors. Sharp pains snaked though his skull accompanied by bright
flashes of false light that he felt as much as saw behind his tightly
shut eyelids.
##IMO this would have been much more effective if the reader didn't
already see it coming.
"Ouch!"
He opened his eyes only to see a stinging, blurry mixture of
fluorescent light and squirming ceiling tiles. After his vision cleared
somewhat, he realized where he was.
I'm in Tofu's clinic, he thought to himself. Why am I here? What
happened? Why was I dreaming about marrying...Oh, shit! The wedding! Why
won't the stupid bastards give us a rest! Akane's gonna be furious.
##One of _my_ pet peeves. I think you're overdoing the profanity.
It loses effect if overused. In this passage, IMO, _either_ "Oh, Shit!"
OR "stupid Bastards", not both.
The effort needed to contain his anger made him grit his teeth.
Gritting his teeth, made the pain in his head nearly unbearable. He went
through the flashing lights and blurred vision thing again.
"Note to self," spoke an echoing voice in his head, "Do not! I
repeat, do _not_ grit your teeth until this concussion has healed."
"Concussion?" he whispered to himself, "I got a concussion?"
"Yes!" The echoing voice answered as a wave of pain broke just
behind his eyeballs and washed around them, "So don't grit your teeth
and try to lie still! It hurts when you do that shit!"
##:(
"All right already! I only did it because I was mad, okay? The
way they told me that I was getting married was by knocking me out and
dressing me in a white tuxedo--stupid bastards! I was so pissed when I
finally understood what they were planning I could barely see straight.
We hadn't been home from China for more than two days. Dammit! They
wouldn't even let us get a decent rest from that long assed trip," he
told the voice in his head.
##Ummm, you've already used "stupid Bastards".
Also "shit", "pissed" is a new one as well as "long assed" trip.
I realize that Ranma uses rough language and is perhaps not the most
refined young man on the face of the planet. However, IMO, you can
go overboard with the short Anglo-Saxon words. (actually
I think Bastard may be from Norman French. I'll have to check.)
_However_ word choice is very critical in setting mood and scene.
As an example, you've already used "stupid Bastards". And it's pretty
evident from context that Ranma is angry. ^_^ While Ranma might well use
"stupid Bastards" again (and again, and again, and . . .etc) "stupid
Bastards" doesn't convey much to the reader.
IMO the author has to make a choice
between linguistic verisimilitude and workable prose. I have know people
(quite
intelligent people) to whom a three hundred word vocabulary would
have been about one hundred words too many. But in real life there is
a rich contextual process of tone, pitch, body language, etc that is
lacking in straight prose. Therefore, while Ranma might indeed
use "stupid Bastards" _many_ times and perhaps exclusively
as descriptors the _WRITER_ must not, as this presents the reader
with a very flat and colourless word picture.
"Yeah, that was pretty rotten, all right." The voice sounded
doubtful for some reason.
"So I broke loose from Pops and ran up to Akane's room. I wanted
to see if she was okay. If they had knocked her out just to get her into
a wedding gown, I was going to whip every ass in the house."
"But she was okay, wasn't she?"
"She was more than okay. She was beautiful!"
"Yeah, that western-style wedding gown looked great on her. She
glowed, didn't she?"
"Glowed, hell! She shined like the morning sun on a clear day in
winter."
## shone??? (or perhaps this is an example of Ranma's problems
with language?)
"Yeah, you're right, Saotome. She was beautiful."
The word beautiful echoed around the inside of Ranma's skull a
few times, making his eyes water.
"The funny thing was, she was willing to go through with it. She
said it was because I said I loved her while we were at Jusendo."
Ranma paused to swallow at the burning pain he now found in his
throat.
"She was willing to live with me forever, even after nearly dying
because of me and my stupid curse! Just a few days ago I was holding her
in my arms and feeling her body cool as she died, then yesterday she
stood in front of me looking for all the world like an angel."
"But you argued, didn't you?"
"Yeah, we argued. I never told her I loved her and I knew it."
##Ummm, I'm losing track of who is saying what. You might
set off "the Voice" with ::voice::, *voice*, /voice/, etc.
ASCII makes things tough.
Ranma managed to stifle a sob, but he could not stop the tears
which now began to stream down his face.
"I remember thinking of how much I loved her. I remember
regretting never telling her that I loved her when I felt her dying, and
I yelled out her name in my ki voice. I put everything I had into it."
He shuddered involuntarily at the memory. The movement generated
many little ripples of pain in his skull. It took a while for them to
dissipate.
"Then she hugged me and I knew she had returned. I must have been
heard on the kami-plane and they sent her back, but I still never told
her that I loved her. I didn't want her thinkin' I did."
##Ummm, Ranma's speech has gone from "stupid Bastards" to poetical to
"thinkin' ".
This last "Then she hugged me . . .I must have been
heard on the kami-plane . . ." seems _very_ stilted. I agree with the
sentiment, the differences in wording are a little jarring.
"Why?" the echoing voice asked.
"Because I don't want any lies between us, that's why! Who the
hell are you, anyway?" he asked the voice.
##about time he asked that.
"I'm the part of yourself that knows what you know to be true,
but never admit to,"
##say _that_ three time real fast. With a concussion. ^_~
the voice answered. Its echoing made Ranma's head
pound. "Now then, why no lies between you and Akane?"
## I've got a little problem with this. Ranma is either talking
to himself, he's developed (or always had) multiple personalities
or been possessed by an outside agency. ^_^ I don't have any problems
with ANY of these explanations or even one I haven't thought of.
The set-up is a little weak. I LIKE "Who the hell are you anyway."
I asked that about a paragraph earlier. I don't like the voices answer.
It's clumsy to read for one thing. For another, if _I_ had a "voice" give
me an answer like that _I_ wouldn't believe it. You need to expand on
either the "voice" OR on Ranma to make this work. The "voice" is doing
something
to make Ranma believe OR Ranma is pretending to accept the answer or is too
woozy to make critical judgments, etc.
"Because I really do love her, that's why!" he answered the voice
mentally, "I love her more than my own life, but I can't do anything
about it right now."
##Why not?
"As if not revealing the truth to her isn't a kind of lie!" the
voice answered in a cynical tone, "So, oh wonderful and noble
Saotome-sama, why won't you marry her?"
"I ain't worthy of her yet," he whispered aloud to himself, "What
the hell do I have to give her besides me? Ain't I some kinda sweet
deal! What good am I to her? I'm a girl half of the time! How am I gonna
take care of her? Sure, I'm a world class martial artist. So what? That
don't put no rice in her bowl by itself. Besides, all I've ever done is
make life hard for her. Akane's lucky to have lived through all the crap
that followed me here."
##Not a bad answer.
<SNIP> a rather too long _internal_? dialogue.
(It's hard to tell. It _sounds_ like the voice
is another persona. IMO it's too long and slows
the pace of the story w/o really adding anything.
Some interesting insights, especially the money bit.
The presentation drags.
"'Cause when you ain't got money ya hafta depend on somebody who
has got money. I don't like depending on anyone else. I don't want Akane
havin' to depend on anyone else."
##Good, Very good.
"But you can teach the art to make money."
"To do that you gotta be able to hold classes on time."
"So?"
"So when do I have control of my time?"
"I'd say you need to take control of it, Saotome."
"Easier said than done!"
"Not so hard you can't do it though. All you really need to do
is end the chaos."
##<eeeeeep> Another pet peeve. There are a LOT of fanfics
dealing with the "chaos" in Ranma's life and how much he wants
to get rid of it. Now, IMO, this can work in several ways.
Some people do NOT like chaos. They like neat orderly lives.
A place for everything and everything in it's place. Japanese
society (Han Chinese for that matter) is a lot like this.
It's also hard to make a one-to-one relationship between canon
Ranma which is a comedy and a "serious" fanfic.
This said, there are some problems with the "chaos" theory.
1)Ranma doesn't walk away from a challenge. At least
some of his "chaos" comes form this. At times he deliberately
irritates his opponents. (eg. Ryouga, Taro)
2)Traditionally a martial arts master MUST answer all challengers.
If he/she does not, they don't' stay in business long. (dead or all
students go someplace else.)
3)Stuff happens. A principle of Zen (and martial arts mastery) is
accepting the world as it is. In Ranma's case, even w/o the fiances
and KNOWN problems (Happosai, Ryoga) there might STILL
be problems. A true master of self is able to meditate in the midst
of life. Ranma as a martial arts master must be able to function
despite these things. Even NON-martial arts master must do so
to an extent. Kids are sick, bus is late, bills are due, plumbing backs
up and life goes on.
IMO the "Ranma can't{ 1)marry Akane, 2)live a normal life 3)be happy
4)make one up,} because his life is chaos is a tenuous premise at best.
If it _must_ be used IMO there needs to be a deal of development. There
isn't anything in canon (IMO) that justifies this. (Akane never seems to
complain about chaos. About being called un-cute, not being taken
seriously as a martial artist. But not about chaos. ^_^)
"Things are never goin' to be neat, peaceful and orderly around
me. No one has that much control. Whadda ya think I am? Lord High Daimyo
of the Universe or somethin'?"
##Good answer. (If a little flowery)
"No, but you can put a stop to much of it, and you should."
##How? He just said he's NOT "Lord High etc"
"Then I can marry Akane."
"Not quite."
"Whadda ya mean, not quite?"
"There are a couple of other things you need to take care of
first."
"Such as?"
"Well for starters, you have some ass whippings to hand out."
##Cute line. OTOH . . . Ranma is being just a little smug, IMO.
HE or at least his family bear some responsibility in all this.
"Damn straight, I got some ass whippings to hand out! Plenty of
people there yesterday had reason to be mad at me, but none of 'em had a
reason to hurt Akane.
## Sure they did. She's in the way. (Happens in America too. ^_^)
Shampoo: Ranma violated Amazon laws. They just have a different
extradition procedure.
Ukyou: I suppose she _could_ be satisfied with Ranma's heart roasting
on a spit. She _might_ settle for Genma. OTOH Genma DID promise
Ranma to her family before he made off with her dowery. They sue for
breach of
promise/contract in America as well.
Kodachi: ??? She's the most honest in many ways. She just wants him. ^_^
NONE of this is that cut and dried. For instance, during the fight against
the phoenix (One Flew over the Kuno's Nest) Shampoo saves Akane's life.
(according to Akane) Also when Akane is kidnaped Shampoo goes along
to help rescue her. (anime again)
Ukyou has a legitimate grievance. The fact that Genma made a prior promise
to the Tendous is actually irrelevant. There is ample historical
precedence for arranged marriages to be abrogated if a better deal
comes along. Sometimes AFTER the wedding.
Kodacih: ^_^ See the happy psychopath. (actually IMO she's
just spoiled, selfish and arrogant.)
There are some cultural problems at work. Japanese do NOT like to say
"NO" directly.
(see "NTC's Dictionary of Japan's Cultural Code Words by Boye Lafayette
De Mente for a more complete explanation) Therefore it's hard to fault
Ranma for not just saying NO to all the fiances from that point of view.
OTOH he did chase Shampoo all over Nermia trying to get her to say
"I love you". (I'm not a purist about Anime/manga) AND traditionally
it's NOT up to Ranma to make these decisions. He _should_
marry whoever his parents tell him to. (and they can give him
conflicting, ridiculous and impossible orders. that's part of the
sub-text of Ranma that makes it so funny.)
The point to all of this is: IMO, if you want
Ranma to get angry that's fine. BUT Ranma
seems just a _little_ self righteous here. It may
be that he honestly doesn't see his responsibility
in all this. However this needs to be made clearer
to the reader.
It was _her_ wedding. It should have been regal,
and nice...and...sacred..Yeah, sacred! They're gonna pay. Some of 'em
are gonna pay a lot."
"Better make a list. You don't want to miss one or kick the
wrong ass by mistake."
##Cute
"Pop comes first."
"Why your dad first?"
"Because he's the one that set up the wedding, then went and
messed it up by trying to steal our most important wedding present."
## Ummmm, "OUR"!? <BG> IMO
Ranma is not above little shenanigans like this.
(Japanese Spring of Drowned Man & Age reversing Mushrooms.)
In both cases Ranma/Ryouga cause trouble for themselves and each
other because they can't stand to see the other "win".
And what does this have to do with anything? I thought Ranma
was angry because they "hurt Akane"?
"You mean the water from the Spring of Drowned Man?"
"You got it! That water was as much for Akane as it was for me."
"I suppose your right about the water.
"Damned straight I'm right about the water! What girl in her
right mind wants to be married to a guy that spends at least part of
every day as a girl?
##Ummm, As far as I can tell Ranma can go for reasonably
long stretches of time w/o changing. This seems a little forced.
I mean, I got the Nekko-ken because Pops was trying
to make me a better martial artist, right? Okay it was a stupid mistake,
but he was just trying to help me out. I can forgive him for it.
##Traditionally martial arts training can be lethal to the student.
Ranma _is_ a comedy so the Nekoken can be taken in a lot of ways.
However, traditionally, the student does whatever the sensei (Genma)
says. And of course Genma is Ranma's father and, again traditionally,
he can do what he wants to do. No matter how stupid. ^_^
I agree with your sentiment. (or the sentiment you are having
Ranma express) it just seems a little canned. IMO ALL of
this dialogue between Ranma and his "voice" needs to be
re-written. It is, IMO, very stilted and unrealistic.
I got
this curse because he took me to Jusenkyo. Okay, he was trying to make
me a better martial artist. That's fine. Another stupid mistake. I can
forgive him--sorta. But this time he's got no excuse. He set this
wedding up, then he help make a mess out of it and shamed Akane.
##Well, perhaps. OTOH Genma is the father. By Japanese standards
he can do no wrong. (with some exceptions, especially among "modern"
Japanese. ^_O) And of course Ranma must shoulder some of the blame.
He has had ample opportunity to marry Akane. And to settle with the other
fiancee's. IMO it's unfair to make this sort of blanket condemnation.
I may
donate him to the zoo and leave him there for a year."
##just leave him. ^_^ (no need for a time limit)
"What about Happosai?"
"We'll hold off on the old lecher."
##??? Easier said than done.
Ranma normally needs help for this. (BTW, is "we" Akane, the "voice" or
someone else?
<SNIP> dialogue about "Killing" Saffron.
##This internal dialogue is dragging, IMO. I think it would work
better if kept much shorter. This large a chunk of material just dropped
into the middle of the story acts like a big speed bump.
"I knew you would. What about Nabiki? She invited every nut case
in Nerima to the wedding, you know."
"Yeah, I know. But she's just trying to pay the bills. Besides,
we're likely to need her help."
##No, she just wanted the money. (There is little indication
in canon that Nabiki helps anyone but herself.) Make Nabiki a "Good Guy"
if you wish or evil incarnate. However the justification must be
developed carefully.
<SNIP> _more_ internal dialogue
This REALLY slows the pace of the story.
"I was wondering when you were going to..."
"I'm going to kill Shanpu."
## THAT was a little abrupt. You should
build up to it slowly. example::
Buy milk. Pick up dry cleaning. Kill Shanpu.
Reserve table at restaurant.
<just kidding. >
It IS very abrupt however.
"What? Come again, Saotome? You don't even like to hit girls, now
you're thinkin' about killin' Shanpu? What the hell has gotten into
you?"
"She's going to try and kill Akane if you don't, dipshit!"
##I've lost track of "who" is "whom" ^+^
##??? Ummm, IMO _that_ sort of interpretation needs a lot
of suppost. Ukyou or Kodachi are, from canon, better candidates IMO.
Shampoo has actively helped save Akane on at least two occasions. And
she has refrained from injuring Akane when she had the chance. Again this
is open to interpretation, especially since canon Ranma is a comedy. Still
this is a rather jarring accusation to just drop on the reader. IMO Shampoo
can be evil incarnate and the devils mean step-daughter. (the one who got
thrown out of hell for cruelty. ^_~) However it needs support.
"What? Oh, come on Saotome! You know you're right about this.
Remember what she said when she threw that bomb at you during the
wedding?"
Ranma's blood ran cold as Shanpu's words came echoing back up to
him from the well of his memory.
"Aiya! Shanpu aiming for Akane, not Airen!" the Amazon had said.
##Not the first time Shan P'u has missed her mark. Hardly grounds to
accuse her
of murder. This is VERY weak.
"Remember what she did at Jusendo?"
Ranma almost forgot and gritted his teeth.
"Do you really think for one second she ever had any intention of
using that bottle of water to cure Akane? No way! As soon as you were
engulfed by one of those surokomi eggs, she would have thrown Akane's
body out with the trash. Then, once you came out the egg and were
Shanpu's slave, you would have been her slave forever because she would
never be able to release you and stay alive. Remember how she threatened
to kill Akane after the bottle of water got broke and Akane was still
untreated? Do you really think Shanpu was kidding? What do you think
she's planning to do right now you dumb bastard? Something Shanpu had
said on other occasions came back to haunt him, "Obstacle is for
killing."
##Ummmm, perhaps. That's a LOT of speculation. It IS a start however.
The "obstacle is for killing" doesn't hold up. She's been saying _that_
since she
showed up and everyone's still breathing. IMO you would be better
off sticking with events as Jusendo. Perhaps the events there warped her
mind.
Ranma's blood ran cold again. He shivered and it ran even colder.
Actually it was his ki that had begun to run cold. So cold in fact that
the room temperature began to fall. He was so preoccupied that he was
unaware of the effect he was having on his surroundings.
"Shanpu saw how you really felt at Jusendo, boy," the echoing
voice had begun to sound like his father, "She is going to become
desperate and a desperate foe is a the most dangerous kind of foe. How
many times did you have to stop her from killing Akane just after she
came here? Twice was it?"
"I will stay in control! I will stay in control," Ranma chanted
softly to himself, "I will not kill Shanpu. That will not solve
anything. I will stay in control."
"What do you mean it won't solve anything, Saotome? Killing a
snake leaves you with one less bite to worry about."
"Yeah, but then I'd hafta worry about every Amazon in China
coming over here lookin' for revenge, you dumbass! Think straight!"
"Well you had better come up with something soon, big boy! Shanpu
ain't laid up on her ass and helpless like you are right now."
##Is Ranma suffering from MPD (multiple personality disorder) or
is he possessed. IMO you need to make this clearer.
If, as I assume, Ranma is manifesting some new "ki" ability
and the "voice" is part of that manifestation this needs to be
made clear to the reader. Also, IMO, this section needs to be MUCH
shorter. Much of it does not really advance the story OR could be
introduced later and integrated more smoothly. This large section
of static discourse chokes the flow of the narrative.
"I _will_ stay in control."
"Ah, Ranma-kun! I see you are awake at last," Tofu Ono said with
a wry smile, "How are you feeling?"
Ranma quickly realized that Tofu was straining to maintain his
usual bed-side manner. Something was clearly wrong though. What's
bothering him?
"Mornin', Doc." Ranma grunted from the pain the effort of
speaking in a normal voice caused him. He lay still for moment wondering
if he had the strength to get up.
"I feel like somebody just dug me up out of a bomb crater," Ranma
said with a forced smile. "Do I look that bad?"
Tofu laughed nervously. "No, not quite that bad, but you won't
be back up to full speed for a week or so, Ranma. That blast of
Happosai's was pretty heavy."
Ranma suddenly realized that Akane was happily going about her
daily affairs, completely unaware of the danger she was in. Shanpu could
strike at any time, and Akane would not have the least bit of warning.
Akane's anger always burns out right away and she's trusting by nature.
By now she's beboppin' around, not even thinkin' about what else might
goin' wrong.
##I'm not convinced that Akane is that helpless. However this is
a VERY good section. IMO you need to get here faster.
Cut a LOT of the internal dialogue between Ranma and
the "voice"
This sets up Ranma's condition very nicely.
"How long have I been here, Doc?" Ranma asked, unable to keep
the fear out of his voice.
"Half of a day yesterday, all night last night, and half the day
today. It's Monday. I didn't think missing one more day of school was
that important, given your physical condition--and everything else."
"I've gotta get outta here, Doc! Where's Akane? Is she at
school?"
"You aren't going anywhere for a couple of days," Tofu said
sternly, "but I am pretty sure that's where Akane is. She stopped by to
check on you on her way to school this morning."
"I've got to get out of here!" Ranma tried to get up but the pain
in his head nauseated him and the burns hurt so badly he nearly
screamed."
##Nice sense of urgency.
"There, you see? I'm not keeping you here to be mean. I'm keeping
you here so you can heal."
##Errrr, this sounds more like a mother talking to her child
or a teacher to a student. (K-12)
"Doc, you don't understand! I can't leave her alone right now!"
Tofu froze in place and regarded Ranma with a sad expression.
Ranma had seen that look on Tofu's face before. Now he thinks I've
flipped my wig or somethin', Ranma thought. He watched in horror as the
doctor fetched a chair and sat down next to the bed. The air in the room
seemed to be clouding up with a fine mist. Is the air conditioner on the
blink? Why is Tofu shivering? How come I don't feel cold? Who gives a
shit right now anyway?
##Now THIS it the time to use "shit". VERY nice dialogue. Very nice.
"Ranma, tell me what happened in China."
"It would take too long!" Ranma said, trying not to sound
desperate and failing, "Anything could happen before I finished!"
"Would you feel free to talk about it if Akane were here?"
"Yeah, but I can't let her go walkin' around by herself!"
Tofu stared at Ranma for a moment with a very thoughtful gaze.
"You are worried about something or someone nearby."
The burning pain in the back of Ranma's throat was so intense he
knew that his voice would crack if he tried to speak. He stared hard at
Tofu, aware that his eyes must be burning like those of a madman, but he
could not help it. Tofu seemed to understand.
"Have you told Akane about any of this?"
Ranma shook his head and immediately regretted it as waves of
nauseating pain washed through him.
"I didn't realize there was a problem until just a few minutes
ago," Ranma said with an involuntary gasp. He could feel bile rising in
his throat.
"Do you need a pan?" Tofu asked.
"No," Ranma said being careful to not shake his head, "Some
aspirin would be nice."
Tofu handed him a small bottle from his pocket, then glanced at
his watch.
"I'll tell you what I'll do, Ranma. I will personally go get
Akane and escort her back here. Then, if the three of us decide it is
best, she can stay here until you are able to get around. Is that a
deal?"
Ranma felt a sudden surge of relief. Tofu was a more than
capable martial artist. One of the few that Ranma knew of who was
capable of concealing his aura to the point of masking his presence in a
room. Akane would be safe with Tofu around.
"You'll stay with her the whole way and never let her out of your
sight for a second?"
"Since you think it is necessary, Ranma. I will."
"You'll have to watch for trouble like you were in a combat zone,
Doc."
"Oh?"
"As long as you are around Akane, that's what you are in."
##Very nice dialogue. The set-up to show Akane is in danger
isn't convincing IMO. However the section between Ranma/Tofu
is very, very good.
"Oh, really? How many will I be up against should hostilities
break out somewhere between here and the school?" Tofu's voice remained
perfectly even and serious. Ranma was not too terribly sure that Tofu
understood, or could even be capable of understanding.
"Just one...I think...I don't think she will risk asking anyone
for help."
Tofu cocked an eyebrow at this last as he stared at Ranma again,
his gentle, brown eyes were unreadable. He reached into his pocket as he
stood up. Pulling a heavily laden key chain from his pocket. Tofu walked
across the room and unlocked a metal cabinet. Ranma's eyes widened with
shock as Tofu withdrew a shoulder holster from the cabinet and put it
on. Even more shocking was the fact that Tofu had something suitable for
filling the holster. What the hell? Ranma thought to himself, Tofu owns
a gun? Then, watching Tofu load the weapon, he realized that it was a
tranquilizer gun.
This could be a fanfic all by itself.
Tofu Perkins. Wild Kingdom . . .^_^
<SNIP> some more very nice dialogue between Ranma/Tofu.
-----------
Tofu Ono had treated Ranma Saotome for numerous injuries. The
overwhelming majority of them had been minor and sports related--that is
assuming that the Martial Arts might rightly be considered a sport.
These injuries however were different. No single injury the boy suffered
this time was anymore serious than the injuries Tofu had treated in the
past. The frightening difference was their overall number. Happosai had
never been on Tofu's list of favorite people, but now the old man was on
the very short list of people for whom Tofu Ono bore genuine malice. It
was time some one taught the callus old fool a lesson. He would have a
word with Soun and Genma as well.
Ranma's alarm over Akane's welfare had confirmed something Tofu
had already come to fear about his observations of Ranma's mental
condition. The boy was showing every sign of suffering from a classic
case of combat fatigue.
##Actually they call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
there's a related form: Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder (PDSD)
Ranma could be suffering from either one. However he doesn't really fit
the profile. However you could (and are) arguing the events at Jusendo
triggered
the injury. IMO that seems possible. However the scene would be stronger
if you show Ranma fitting the profile more closely.
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/PTSD/index.htm
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/PTSD/index.htm#Definition
Another problem with calling it combat fatigue is that Tofu is unlikely
to have ever seen combat OR had any patients who have been in combat.
(I'm ignoring the fact that Tofu isn't that kind of doctor. Tofu gets used
as any kind of doctor that the writer needs. ^_^) The most likely persons
with PTSD or PDSD that Tofu would have seen would be
1)Survivors of Earthquakes, Typhoons, etc {sudden large shock} PTSD
2)People subject to bullying or job stress (fairly common in Japan)
{accumulated small stresses }PDSD
Tofu had gone to the trouble of bringing the
tranquilizer gun mostly as a sop to Ranma's fears, but now as he walked
towards Furinkan, he began to wonder if he might have not also taken a
wise precaution. While it was true that victims of combat fatigue
sometimes suffered from unreasonable fears, they always had good reason
for their paranoia.
##Errrr, no. They don't.
As difficult as this young man's life had been
during the past two and a half years, Ranma could easily have good
reason for his concerns about Akane.
##True, but unrelated to PTSD or PDSD. These are injuries that
would make Ranma LESS able to detect real danger. OTOH if
you're suggesting that Ranma is imagining Shampoo is a killer
due to PTSD then you are on to something. That might explain the
"voice" (although I'm not aware of that as one of the symptoms it
should be possible to fit it in. MPD is often the result of childhood
trauma. Nekoken and some of the other stressors would qualify. ^_^
In this case Ranma's irrational thoughts are explained and justified.
If Ranma's fears were well founded,
it made matters worse for his young patient not better. It merely
confirmed the validity of Tofu's diagnosis and worsened the prognosis.
Tofu gritted his teeth.
##Ummm, I'm not sure how this makes Tofu's diagnosis more valid.
The bad thing was, simply treating Ranma at the clinic would not
effect a permanent cure.
##Ummm, well Tofu isn't qualified to treat Ranma for this in any case.
He would very quickly begin to deteriorate
again once he returned home because the main, day to day stresses
causing the underlying problem would still be there waiting for him upon
his release.
##OK, this sounds like PDSD, multiple minor stresses.
Again, I'm not sure you've made a case for this.
I'm not an expert in psychological injuries but Ranma
doesn't seem to fit the profile. I DO think you might make
a case if you emphasize the Jusendo events as a major trauma
that was just too much. (If Ranma was going to have problems
the Nekoken should have pushed him over the edge. OTOH
thinking you're a cat _could_ be classified as a "problem" ^_^)
If you want to have Ranma as a victim of PTSD or PDSD you
need to change the symptoms. (see above URL's) And I wouldn't
make Tofu so certain of his diagnosis. To make this work, IMO, you're
going to have to show Ranma's deterioration over a longer period
of time. Loss of appetite, sleeplessness, nightmares. Reliving the trauma.
Panic attacks, etc. And a gradual realization that something is wrong.
IMO this would be more effective, especially if Ranma _slowly_ comes
to see Shan Pu as a threat.
Sooner or later, something would happen to push Ranma over
the edge and as powerful as the boy's techniques were, that would spell
disaster for a great many people not just Ranma alone. Tofu Ono was a
man in the ticklish position of disarming a fast fission device while
equippped with only a poorly translated manual and a crescent wrench. He
knew quite a bit about Ranma, but he would need to know more before he
could cure him.
##<BG> I like the dialogue.
IMO you need to spend some time justifying Tofu's knowledge
and ability to deal with PTSD.
Once at the school, Tofu merely informed the principle of his
intentions. The principal complained, but not too loudly after Tofu
began giving him a cold stare. As far as Tofu was concerned, this
irresponsible boob was just another of his patient's problems. He would
brook no argument from the fool. He was surprised to find Nabiki at the
nursing station. He did not know that she served as student nurse there.
He gave her Ranma's message and Nabiki promised to come to the clinic as
soon as she had taken care of a few things at home that evening. Akane's
teacher proved to be very cooperative, suggesting that Akane take Ranma
a binder laden with makeup work. Akane maintained a frightened silence
as she gathered her things and accompanied Tofu out of the building.
"Dr. Tofu?" Akane asked as they left the school grounds.
"Yes, Akane?"
"How bad is Ranma? He isn't going to..."
"He is in no danger of dying, Akane," Tofu said tiredly, "but his
mental condition is serious and will worsen rapidly if something isn't
done quickly to change things. I need you to stay with him for a little
while so that he will calm down. He became deeply concerned about you as
soon as he woke up this afternoon."
##Not un-natural considering Akane almost died at Jusendo. If I understand
your story, Ranma has been unconscious since the wedding fiasco. (OTOH
the end of the manga shows them both running off to school. I assume you've
made a slight change. ^_^) Still, if the last thing Ranma recalls is bombs
being thrown
he would naturally be a little worried. IMO Tofu is making a diagnosis
based on VERY little evidence.
Akane stared straight ahead as they walked along the street
saying nothing, nearly oblivious to her surroundings. Tofu noticed her
apparent lack of concern for her own safety as he scanned the area for
potential threats.
"I knew Ranma was worried about me before you got here," Akane
said with a sigh, "I felt him touch me a little while ago."
"He touched you?" Tofu said, feeling a bit taken aback.
"Mm-hmm," Akane noised as she nodded her head. "He does that
sometimes. It always makes me sneeze."
##Cute.
"There must be a very powerful bond between the two of you," Tofu
said, as much to get Akane's reaction as anything else. He needed to
know for Ranma's sake how Akane really felt about the boy. Tofu had
already inferred an answer, but wanted confirmation from Akane herself.
Nothing beat an open admission in his business.
"There is," Akane said sheepishly , "but neither of us has a
clue as to what to do about it."
Tofu could not suppress a chuckle.
"Why don't you try doing what comes naturally?"
"Because neither of us is ready to have children," she said
emphatically.
Tofu had not expected quite so frank an admission.
"Well you needn't let things go that far, Akane!" he said as he
nodded at a passerby.
"I...I..." Akane stammered and wiped at the sudden tears burning
her eyes without even realizing they were welling up at the corners of
her eyes, "We live in the same house. We eat at the same table. We see
each other every morning of nearly every day. If we were to...I don't
think I could stop myself if we ever let anything like that start, Dr.
Tofu. Sooner or later the temptation would be too great."
"I'm certain Ranma could," Tofu said in a soothing tone, "And I
think he probably would, Akane."
##^_^ If you say so. I've never seen Ranma as having much self control
but I suppose anything is possible.
"That pervert?" Akane sounded incredulous. "Stop me from doing
something like that? No way! You didn't see what he did the first day I
met him."
Tofu suppressed a laugh as he continued to check for threats.
"I think I've heard this story! You walked in on him in the bath,
right?"
"Yes," Akane said with clinched teeth, "I did. I thought he was a
girl and I wasn't wearing any clothes."
"Let me guess. He became erect, didn't he?" Tofu asked as though
he already knew the answer.
##Errrr, did we really need to know that? O_O
IMO better to be a little more subtle. That's just a bit
clinical.
Akane's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as she nodded
her head in the affirmative. They walked on in silence for a few steps
while Tofu did his best to contain a screaming fit of laughter. Young
people were so funny sometimes. It was not their fault of course.
Ignorance and hormones had combined to make a volatile mixture for eons.
They would go on doing so for as long as humanity existed.
"He couldn't help it, you know," Tofu said with a grin in his
voice.
"What do you mean, he couldn't help it?"
"He couldn't help feeling what he felt anymore than you did at
the time."
An ominous blue glow began to form around Akane, but Tofu ignored
it. The time for these two to face themselves had come and gone.
"You see, the trouble with us men, is that we can almost never
hide what we feel in that sort of situation, even if we try thinking of
something quite different. As you no doubt noticed, our plumbing is a
little revealing."
The glow around Akane dissipated. She nodded her head again and
giggled.
"I'll say it's revealing! It scared the hell out of me."
"Oh, really? Why?"
"Because...because..."
"Because you felt brand new form of very intense excitement when
you saw it, right?"
Akane began to turn several shades of red. Tofu smiled to
himself.
##This is, IMO, a VERY strange conversation to be having in the middle
of the street. Especially since Tofu is worried that Ranma is having some
. . .problems. Tofu is beginning to sound like 1)A dirty old man or 2) one
of those films they use to show in "health" class back in the Fifties.
"You needn't answer that, Akane. Just listen to me for a moment,
okay?"
Akane nodded silently, blinking back a new flood of tears. Tofu
gave her a handkerchief.
"There was nothing perverted about happened to the two of you
that day. Ranma was and is a very healthy young male. You are a very
healthy young female. Reacting that way is part of your natures. So long
as the two of you maintain a little self-control, you shouldn't feel
ashamed of feeling that way about him anymore than he should feel guilty
about feeling that way about you. After all, the race must go on, you
know." Tofu flashed a smile at her and was gratified as Akane seemed to
relax a little, but then she tensed up again.
## a VERY strange conversation.
"But what if...what if I feel that way about him while he's
female?"
Aha! Tofu thought, to himself. I thought there must be more here
than what meets the eye. The poor girl is wrestling with her own
hormones so much she's afraid to look inside and see what she might find
out about herself.
"Is it just Onna-Ranma you feel that way about?"
"Mostly," Akane said and then hesitated for a moment, "other
girls only excite me when my mind is really on Ranma. Well...Oh! I never
felt that way about anyone before until he, I mean she..."
Tofu wanted very badly to laugh, but suppressed it. People were
taught such foolish things as they grew up. All he could do was his best
to help them sort matters out on their own. He could not really do
anymore than that. He waved at Yamakami-san as they passed her house.
She was out working on her flagstones as usual. Tofu had first worried
that she might be compulsive-obsessive when he first met her.
##Ummm . . .I'm having trouble accepting this conversation or
Tofu's internal dialogue. For one thing, while Tofu is shown
to be a reasonably close friend of the family (depending on
interpretation) this is _still_ a very strange conversation. It's seems
especially unusual when juxtaposed with Tofu's worry (or supposed worry)
about Ranma, Ranma's strange behavior AND the "fact"??? that Shampoo
is supposed to be lurking about waiting to shuffle Akane off the mortal
coil.
Tofu seems to lack a certain focus.
I'm also wondering when Tofu became a psycho-analyst.
<SNIP> A VERY strange conversation on sexuality that really
doesn't seem to have much to do with the story. Or if it does it would be
better spread through out the story rather than dumped out in a large
lump.
Tofu was beginning to tire. Counselling a patient while watching
for unknown threats was strenuous.
##<G>
He took a deep breath and continued.
##??? I'm wondering:
1)Why is Tofu qualified to do this counseling?
2)Why is it in the story?
3)If this information IS integral to the story why is it in such a large
lump. IMO this dialogue and the earlier dialogue between Ranma/voice
slow the pace of the story a great deal. Much better to edit them drastically.
"On the whole Akane, I'd say you are one of the most fortunate
people I've ever met."
"How so?" Akane asked, sounding slightly alarmed.
"For starters, you are engaged to a man who, as he gets older,
wil come to understand more about being a human being than anyone else
on earth."
##Well, he _might_. ^_^ Ranma is very dense at times.
Akane glanced up at Tofu and he was fairly sure he saw the
sparks of realization flashing in her eyes.
"And if you have the good sense to marry him, you will no doubt
have the best sex life a person could ever hope to have."
##??? Why is this in the story? It might be true but seems
to have no bearing on anything. It _may_ be important later in the
story. However, IMO, the entire discussion between Tofu/Akane
could be shortened considerably and should be spread through out the story
rather than just dumped in a large segment.
"Now you are beginning to sound like Nabiki, Dr. Tofu!"
"Thank you, Akane! Nabiki has an exceptionally good head on her
shoulders about some things."
"He owes me some things, first," Akane said grimly.
"Such as?" Tofu asked.
"Respect, mainly," Akane said with a sigh. Then, in a more
menacing tone she added, "He especially owes me more respect as a
student of the art."
Tofu smiled to himself. Rivalry between spouses was not
necessarily a bad thing, especially if it gave both an incentive to
improve. In this case, a mutual love of their art could easily result in
a mutual love of one another for a century. Neither of them was likely
to suffer the ills the majority of his patients suffered from. Either or
both could die in an accident or a fight, but heart disease or lung
disease or any of the most common killers of people were pretty much
ruled out for this pair.
##Actually I think Stomach cancer ranks higher than Lung disease.
(There IS a lot of smoking in Japan so I could be wrong.)
This is a much better segment. IMO you could cut about 90% of
the "sex" dialogue and get to this part much faster w/o losing
anything.
"I think Ranma respects you a great deal as a person already,
Akane," Tofu said, "but when it comes to the art, I think you need to be
sure of two things."
"What's that, Doctor?"
"Be sure you understand his training methods, and be doubly sure
to earn his respect in the dojo."
"You think Ranma has good reason to worry about me," she said
with a gasp as she looked up at his face, "Don't you, Dr. Tofu."
##Errrrr, you lost me on this segue. I don't see the
connection between Tofu's conversation and Akane's remarks. IMO
you need to add something. Perhaps show Akane noticing Tofu
looking around.
I agree with a lot of what you are doing. I just don't think the
presentation works.
The long, unrelieved dialogues between Ranma/voice or Tofu/Akane are VERY
slow.
"He may. Why do you ask?"
"Because you are watching everywhere at once as though you were
expecting an attack."
"Ranma is suffering from what can best be described as combat
fatigue, Akane.
##I'll go along with this if Tofu is trying to explain PTSD to Akane.
But he SHOULD explain here. In fact this is a common literary device.
Explain something to a character to the reader understands.
Victims of this condition usually have good reason to
worry.
##NOT true so far as I know. If it is true you should provide some explanation
to show the reader why this is so.
In this case, Ranma's fears may be nothing more than a symptom,
but until we know for sure..."
##True enough.
<SNIP>
"Okay, we gotta deal then. Where's Doc Tofu?"
"Right here, Ranma," Tofu said as he entered the treatment room.
"Now how about telling us what's going on, and why you are so worried."
"Shanpu," Ranma said simply as though he had explained life, the
universe and everything in it with a single word. Akane turned livid
with fury, then paled with fear.
##??? don't understand this reaction.
"Shanpu?" Tofu asked, "Maybe you had better elaborate a little,
Ranma. I'm not sure I understand."
"Well gee, Doc. It's simple. She's gonna try to kill Akane
sometime soon."
## IMO you need to build the justification for this.
A brief recitation of events in Jusendo and the bomb
throwing are not enough, IMO, for Ranma
to decide to commit murder. Akane has been endangered
before. For that matter, she was put in much more danger,
inadvertently, by Ranma in the Cursed Doll hotel. And of
course Shan P'u wasn't the only person with ill intentions
as Jusendo. Plus she's been kidnaped, drowned in cursed pools,
almost eaten by dragons (the orachi), etc. Make Shan P'u the
villain of the piece by all means. However this needs more
development IMO in order to make it believable that Ranma
would suddenly decide to kill Shan P'u.
Tofu quickly put his hand on Akane's shoulder, hoping she would
take it as a cue to remain silent. Much to his relief, she did.
"What makes you say that?" Tofu asked.
"What she said during our attempt at marriage yesterday. And the
things she threatened to do to Akane and me while we were in China."
Akane buried her face in both hands.
"What did she say at the wedding, Ranma?" Tofu asked.
"She threw some pretty heavy bombs at the wedding yesterday, Doc.
Just before they went off in my face, I heard her say she was aiming at
Akane instead of me."
"I see," Tofu said speculatively, "but didn't Ukyo throw some as
well? That's what I was told."
"Yeah, but she was throwin' her stuff at me because she meant to
hit me, not Akane. Her argument is with me and she knows it. I didn't
mind that too much. I can understand her bein' mad at me."
##Bombs are not precision weapons. What if Ukyou had missed?
IMO you need to work on the justification for making
Shan P'u the Bad Guy (BG).
"But it was never your fault, Ranma!" Akane cried. "It was your
dad that caused all the trouble engaging her to you after you were
already engaged to me! She has no right to take it out on you!"
##Ummm, that's arguable.
"Yeah, but I owe her, Akane. Me or Pop neither one has done
anything to make things right with her!" Ranma said, "Trouble is, I'm
not at all sure of what to do."
##OTOH Ukyou has pulled some fast ones as well. Cave of Lost Love,
Secret Sauce, for example.
IMO you need to spend more time explaining Ranma's reaction
to this. It may be that Ranma is paranoid delusional. (which makes
more sense to me, considering Tofu's "diagnosis" of PTSD.)
In this case you need to build up more slowly.
Tofu sighed and asked questions until he understood about Ukyo,
the loss of her dowry and her subsequent treatment by her family. He had
to bite his tongue in anger at the behavior of Ukyo's father.
##Ummmm, well maybe. Traditionally this is completely
justified. A parent can do anything. There have been some changes
in modern times. OTOH from my reading children are seen in light
of Old Age Insurance by parents. A lot of the comedy in Ranma
is based on the parodying of "traditional" and "modern" Japanese
culture. While Tofu _might_ deplore Genma's actions I'm not
sure he would be angry with Ukyou's father. HE was merely arranging
a marriage for Ukyou. (As Tofu's mother tried to do for him. ^_^)
He had to
try and put the matter aside for the moment. It was an issue he would
look into later. Chances were good that there would be little that he
could do to help the poor girl, but he would try.
##What business is it of Tofu's???
The truly disturbing news was what he learned of Shanpu's
behavior. Most people would consider a person like Shanpu to be
completely insane.
##Ummm, as opposed to???
The entire cast of Ranma could be considered insane. (even to the Japanese)
It's a comedy. IMO you need more justification for this. From canon Shan P'u
has been on a great many of the Akane-has-been-kidnaped rescues. And, of
course,
K'e Lwun has contributed a lot to Ranma's training. IMO you need more
justification
to make her the villain.
Tofu knew better. The girl had been raised in a
society held together by harsh rules. She was simply doing what she
considered to be both legal and morally necessary.
##exactly correct. Ranma broke the law. Why shouldn't he pay the price?
If Ranma, for instance, promised a girl in America he would marry her, then
ran off he would be sued for breach of promise. (assuming he could be
brought back into American jurisdiction) The fact that he did not
realize he was proposing marriage OR stealing is NOT an excuse.
In the case of the Amazon Nation vs. Saotome Ranma he has violated the law.
(civil or criminal. it's hard to tell)
And yet they STILL spend a lot of time helping a criminal who has fled their
jurisdiction. Shan P'u may be a lot of things. However THIS does NOT make
her insane. If you wish to make her insane for this story, do so. IMO this
is not
an indication of her mental instability.
This made her far
more dangerous than a person suffering from mental illness, because she
had full control of her mental faculties. Shanpu could and most likely
would, make full use of her intelligence to serve her purposes. He
looked at Akane as she stared at Ranma and realized that Nerima might
soon be embroiled in a feud little different from that between the
Hatfields and the McCoys. Tofu broke from his reverie with a shudder,
only to find Ranma staring at him with a fevered gaze.
##I'd chose another analogy. There have been LOT's of feuds in Japan.
This just sounds strange coming from Tofu. (Unless he's from
_southern_ Japan. ^_^) Perhaps Minamoto and the Taira would be a
better choice.
<SNIP>
"I thought about it, Doc," Ranma said in a quiet voice. This
caused Akane to give Ranma a very hurt look, but much to her credit, she
allowed Ranma to finish his thoughts aloud. "It would never work. The
only thing that has held Shanpu back is the knowledge that I have
feelings for Akane and Ukyo. Her fear of offending me is the only thing
that has kept either of them alive. If she thinks she is about to lose,
she'll attack. If she thinks she's gonna win, she'll want to close the
backdoor."
##Nice. I like the dialogue and the set up. Again, you need to either
make a more convincing case for Shan P'u being this murderous
OR a set-up showing Ranma is VERY sick.
"Ranma," Akane asked in a small voice, "How long have you known
that Shanpu was this serious?"
"From day one really, but after the Cat's Tongue thing, I thought
for a while that maybe she had changed. Now I know better. After what
happened at Jusendo and at the dojo yesterday, I'm sure she is as
dangerous as ever.
##??? Actually the evidence is that Shan P'u is NOT dangerous.
She erased Akane's memory when she could have killed her.
She helped rescue Akane. During "One Flew over the Kuno's Nest"
all she had to do was LET Akane fall. Further she didn't have to worry
about Ranma's vengeance in the early stages since Ranma was
clearly no match for K'e Lwun.
The silence which then pervaded the room was profound and long
lasting. It was Ranma that finally broke it.
"After you left to go get Akane, Doc, I started thinkin' maybe
I'm down to two choices. I can marry Shanpu, or I can kill her. I ain't
very happy with either option."
##At this point I'm betting that Ranma is crazy. Dangerously so.
<SNIP>
"Hmm, well combat fatigue is very similar to other stress related
illnesses. Provided it is diagnosed and treated early, it usually fades
quite rapidly once the source of the stress is removed. If we do not do
something about it now though, Ranma could easily end up like your
father."
"Dad has had combat fatigue all these years?" Akane asked in
shock.
"His condition is not combat fatigue _per se_, but his symptoms
are almost the same. Your father's condition arose from prolonged
exposure to a great deal of emotional stress. Your father suffered from
it for so long, he has never been able to fully recover."
##Interesting. I like this explanation.
<SNIP>
Akane quickly explained about Nodoka and the agreement Genma had
made with her regarding Ranma's manliness. Tofu felt his face begin to
turn red and had to fight down a wave of nausea as he realized that he
would have to act immediately on the behalf of his patient, even if it
meant going to the authorities.
##Errrrr, I'm not sure they would interfere. Recall this is Japan.
They seem to have somewhat different ideas about child rearing.
And while most modern Japanese say the no longer believe in
seppuku obedience to parents and parental authority is MUCH
stronger in Japan than in the U.S.
IMO you are trying to make a too direct transfer from Ranma the comedy
to Ranma the serious fanfiction. (Recall that Nodoka's idea of manly seems
to be a super-womanizer of sorts)
He would avoid having Genma and Nodoka
declared incompetent parents if he could. The authorities disliked doing
such a thing
##actually I'm not sure such a thing even exists in Japan.
Parents are always right. (at least officially. ) Just as Rape, as a crime,
doesn't exist. It just goes down in the books as something else.
IMO you're making Tofu's reactions too Western. More importantly
you're making the stressors too western. Japanese suffer a LOT of stress
under normal conditions. In some ways Ranma suffers LESS stress than normal
Japanese of his age. (there is a lot of stress related suicide and death from
heart disease) The average Japanese suffers peer-related stress to an
appalling degree. Conformity is the name of the game, fit in. Don't make a
mistake . . .EVER. Ranma is OUTSIDE of this. He's an individualist and
doesn't seem to give a rip about rules or peer pressure. A case can be made
for stress, even stress to the point that Ranma suffers from "combat
fatigue".
IMO you need to spend a LOT more time developing this idea and showing WHY
it's stressful. Show the effects. Show RANMA being stressed. A dialogue or
lecture
by Tofu is too bland. It's not convincing.
and Genma Saotome was still a hero in the minds of older
Nerimians. They still remembered the days when Soun and Genma were
instrumental in ridding the town of ne'er do wells. Disgracing Genma and
by extension, Soun Tendo would hurt Ranma's prospects as a teacher of
his art. It would also be certain to harm Tofu's own practice, but all
that be as it may, Tofu had a patient at risk and he resolved to do what
he must.
##Interesting.
<SNIP> some very good dialogue.
-----------
<SNIP>
Much of Ranma's trouble comes from that damnable Nekko-ken
training anyway. Genma's a good hearted soul, it's just that he is
entirely too rough and doesn't listen very well.
##Shan P'u is insane because she want's to marry Ranma according
to Amazon laws and Genma is good hearted, despite wrapping his
son in fish paste and throwing him in a pit of starving cats???
Ummm, a bit inconsistent.
Aha! There's my
solution I-I-I think, Tofu said silently to himself as he carefully
studied Genma's physique. What he had in mind would not work on
everyone, but he could now see that Genma was one of those fortunate few
who was susceptible to the particular cure, er..affliction as the case
may be. This technique was commonly used as a prank on beginners
learning ubijutsu.
Taking full advantage of his lanky frame and decptive movements,
Tofu quickly closed on Genma and rubbed his kneck and shoulders. He was
of course, applying judicious amounts of pressure to specific parts of
Genma's body.
"Now you should be able to hear a gnat land a hundred meters
away, Genma-kun," Tofu said in a voice so low he should not have been
heard by anyone.
Genma quickly covered his ears with both hands as his eyes grew
wide with shock.
"Don't worry," Tofu subvocalized, "It will only last a few
hours."
"Why don't you have a seat at the table?" Tofu asked in a normal
voice. "We need to talk."
Genma winced as though Tofu had shouted into a large, powerful
public address system, then nodded his head.
"Nurse?"
"Yes, Doctor?" Kasumi said.
"I think Saotome-san needs some aspirin."
"Right away, Doctor," Kasumi said, working hard to keep a
straight face.
Soun Tendo was staring at Tofu too shocked to cry, but looked as
though he might start. Tofu reached over with his left hand and pinched
Soun's right shoulder. Soun collapsed to his knees. The ubijutsu
technique was not quite as effective as those suggested by science
fiction movies, but it worked well enough under these, rather more
mundane circumstances. Hearing a faint noise behind him, Tofu raised his
left hand into the air without turning around.
"Don't go anywhere just yet, Nabiki! "Tofu said grimly, "This
involves you just about as much as it does anyone else here tonight."
##??? Nurse??? Since when? And in Soun's house?
Why is Soun about to cry?
This was VERY confusing, IMO.
Nabiki first froze in her tracks, then quietly walked over to the
table and sat down. The sound of her steps suggested she was more than a
little apprehensive. Good! Tofu thought to himself, she should be.
##Why is Nabiki aprehensive?
<SNIP>
Ummm I think you've done enough with Genma's hyper-hearing.
Time to get to the point.
"I have no worries about Ranma's manliness, just his
indecisiveness."
##Actually that's part of Japanese culture. better to make NO decision
than the wrong one. Stems from the days when a wrong decision could
get your head cut off. Also part of the reason why the Japanese do almost
everything by UNANIMOUS concensus.
<SNIP>
"Saotome Genma, what is your opinion?
"I agree with Tendo-kun for the most part. I do not doubt my
son's manliness." Genma said in a soft, tiny voice. He paused to allow
what Tofu knew sounded like the echoes in a vast cavern to die down,
"Of his skill in the art, I think he will soon be a match for Happosai,
if he isn't already. I suspect he sometimes holds back to avoid
embarrassing or hurting the master."
##???IMO this is another aspect of Ranma that needs to be
developed if you want to use it. Not really needed IMO.
<SNIP>
"He is very much a guy. He's even worse when he's a girl," Nabiki
said as her smirk became more pronounced, "He is especially bad when he
is a girl and it is that time of the month."
##Cute
This took Tofu Ono back considerably. How had the boy endured
this many problems and remained essentially sane?
##???I'm sorry. The idea that Rama has soooo many problems
he's driven insane is over-used. (and what's the problem Nabiki
has brought up? His . . .errr her period? Hardly an event to drive someone
insane.)
Tofu thought, anyone
else he knew would have turned homicidal long before now.
##???
Aw, nuts! Now
I've got to explain to him about visiting a gynecologist.
##VERY funny. ^_^
<SNIP>
Menstruation could easily cause him serious trouble with his
self-control. He would have to remember to discuss it with Ranma later.
##Errrrr, just a little sexist. (My wife told me to say this or she would
hurt me. ){PS. My wife wants to know how Tofu would know this anyway.
Not being "equipped" to understand.}
"I happen to know that you make book on Ranma's fights,
Nabiki-chan," Tofu said quickly, "What is your opinion of him has a
martial artist?"
"I never take even bets against Ranma in a straight up fight,
unless his opponent is someone of extraordinary ability, like Happosai,
or someone who is engaging Ranma in a competition he does not have the
requisite skills for. Even then, I never take the bet without very good
odds in my favor. Since this last trip to China, I am not so sure that I
would take bets against him if he were fighting Pantyhose Tarou." Tofu
noted that Soun and Genma both shuddered at the mention of Tarou.
##Ummmm, Ranma's good. But he get's beaten a LOT. Ryouga takes
him on a fairly regular basis. I don't think he's ever really beaten Taro
or Happosai. (He's good, but he's NOT invincible.) He was VERY lucky
against Saffron. (Of course Luck is better than skill. {where have I heard
that
before. ^_~})
<SNIP>
"I treat a great many people who suffer from stress related
illnesses. It is a very, very common problem in modern day Japan.
##True
Ranma
however, has a rather unique, stress related illness. One that no
Japanese person that I know of has had in many years."
Tofu fell silent and waited for someone to ask, mainly because he
wanted to see who felt themselves most qualified to help. As he
expected, it was Soun Tendo who spoke up first.
"What is so unique about Ranma's problem, Sensei?" Soun asked.
"He suffers from combat fatigue."
##Ummm, an interesting take. However the term is obsolete.
However you could use Ranma's fight in Jusendo and have Tofu
say something to the effect::
"Ranma is suffering from what used to be called combat fatigue."
Tofu's highly trained ears told him that every heart in the room
but his had just stopped beating for a second. Here it comes, he
thought.
"Combat fatigue!" The family chorused, all but Nabiki that is.
She nodded her head, looking not the least bit surprised. Cool, Tofu
thought. She is always so very goddamned cool. She's basically a warrior
at heart, but I'll bet she falls to pieces while she is alone in her
room at night.
## and where is this coming from.
I like your dialogue and writing. However the pace of the story is too slow
due to excessive exposition. (Tofu and the voice are too chatty)
And while fanfiction is all about new takes on characterization IMO
you are not spending enough time developing these new insights.
In this case you are presenting the reader with a VERY new side of
Nabiki on Tofu's unsupported word. Not only that you are changing
Tofu all out of recognition. Not a bad thing in and of itself. IMO you
are going MUCH too fast in terms of change and too slow in terms of
character development. Drastically CUT the long Tofu soliloquies. Spend
more time and detail on showing how and why these changes have come about.
<SNIP>
"Isn't Ranma qualified to carry a sword, by now? I should think
he is more than worthy to be a protector of the Saotome Clan by now."
##??? By qualified are you talking about Japanese Law? Or family tradition?
The law is quite specific on that matter. OTOH tradition is something else
again. Qualified seems a strange term to use in that case.
<SNIP>
"How bad off is Ranma, Ono-sensei?" She asked as she took Tofu's
right arm.
"Well, he hasn't got a case of the thousand-yard stares just yet,
but it could happen without warning. Given Ranma's abilities, the
results could be tragic."
"Thousand-yard stares?"
The lower edge of the sun, now a huge, flaming red ball touched
the distant rooftops.
"A condition diagnosed by every major combatant during WWII. It
is hard to describe, but once you've seen the pictures of someone
afflicted with it you can never forget. A man in that condition is
deadly dangerous to everyone around him, even his friends and allies.
The technical term for it is "hyper-arousal" Of the two terms, it is the
more descriptive of the two without showing a picture of a victim."
##Ummm, now THIS I've seen. IMO Ranma definitely doesn't fit the profile.
Again, the concept is a good one. You need to spend more time showing
Ranma is in this state or close to it. For example, instead of spending all
this
time with relatively static dialogue between Ranma/Voice or
Tofu/Every-body-else
SHOW Ranma exhibiting these symptoms. Show him acting and reacting with the
rest of the world.
<SNIP>
"No, this would be different. Quoting a military officers manual
on the subject, the fact is that overstressed human beings with loaded
weapons are inherently dangerous. Ranma, thanks to his extensive
training, is a loaded weapon in his own right. Unfortunately, he is also
overstressed. Have you read any of the old legends about the berserkers
or the amoks?"
Nabiki nodded.
"I am reasonably sure they were cases of combat fatigue. The
Nekko-ken training was a deliberate atttempt to create a berserk. It was
abandoned because the majority of the trainees became listless masses of
quivering nerves. I don't want Ranma to do anything remotely related to
his art for a few days. Something could easily happen in say, a sparring
session, to trigger an excessive response from him. Certainly, we must
also keep cats away from him."
##IMO Tofu is using a LOT of military or combat anologies.
This needs to be explained. Does he have military experience?
Was he a mercenary? Something to explain.
<SNIP>
"Okay, Ranma," Nabiki said as her eyes went flat, "Consider her
ass fried."
"Freebie, right?"
Nabiki nodded. "She insulted my little sister! She suffers, her
brother picks up the tab."
"She belongs in a nut ward, you know."
"When I'm through with her, she'll have herself committed. Don't
worry, Saotome. I know what you are after."
##??? All powerful "Nabiki" is a fanfic convention. I like the dialogue.
And I think it would be easier to accept if you weren't making so MANY
changes in EVERYone. Quite frankly, other than the names, I find it
hard to recognize any of the cast.
"Who else?"
"This one's dangerous, so I want you to think about first. Okay?"
"Who?"
<SNIP>
Overall, very nice. Some good dialogue, some flashes of brilliance.
I like the idea of Ranma under stress. And the bit and the end with
the ancient mother and "Cold Dragon" was masterful.
There is FAR too much Ranma/Voice. And far FAR too much of Tofu.
IMO it would be better to show most of this through action with Ranma
interacting with the rest of the world.
I have nothing against characters acting OOC. Fanfiction, by it's nature,
is all about being OOC.
However these changes have to be supported within the story, especially
when they are as drastic as some you have presented. Tofu is especially
annoying. He is _almost_ an annoying new character. Actually he IS annoying
and so changed as to be a new character.
The explanations for Ranma and the rest suddenly deciding that Shan P'u is
a homocidal maniac are not, IMO, believable. Use her as the villain by all
means if you wish. Just work on better reasons. And spend _much_ less time
with Tofu trying to explain/fix everything.
The writing ranges from good to very good to WOW!
The basic premise is VERY good.
The Cold Dragon is excellent.
The "voice" is annoying.
Tofu is VERY VERY annoying.
The LOOOONG passages of dialogue (Tofu again for the most part) interrupt
the story.
The _evidence_ for Ranma's illness needs work
The _evidence_ for Shan P'u being a danger needs a LOT of work.
IMO this is a potentially VERY good story. I REALLY want this continued. It
does need work.
-----------