Warning! Incoming nitpicks! :)
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to host my fanfics, so please take a look:
Vincent Seifert:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/kagami/
Yoshiro_san: http://members.xoom.com/Yoshiro_san/mother/
David Pascal: http://www.davidpascal.com/smj/
You can contact me at: kagami@jeack.com.au
---
Ukyo staggered beneath the weight of her burden. Climbing
Fuji-san wasn't a particularly easy task under the best of
circumstances; doing so whilst struggling with an oversized
{suggest} while {the "st st" hurts to say :) }
package on her back was a horrendous trial of endurance.
Still, she persevered in her effort. Ranchan was waiting
for her.
"Say, Konatsu?" she asked.
{Suggest omitting the attribution; there's only the two of them}
"Yes, Ukyo-sama?"
"Not that I don't appreciate it, but did you really have
to stop off for those Hakata fishcakes?"
{heh. Very Konatsu. He has many virtues, but practicality isn't usually
one of them. :) }
{ At this point I'd like to interject a general address: Please, writers,
use Konatsu in fanfics! He's a wonderful character, a useful foil, an
extremely talented martial artist, and now that the Ranma Project has
fandubbed his stories, ignorance is no excuse. :) }
---
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 6: Falling
---
Akane Tendo had two invariable qualities which tended to
{Suggest "inherent" rather than "invariable"}
make her life interesting. Firstly, she attracted the
attention of virtually any male in her vicinity. This often
resulted in an unhealthy interest in her by the said male
by said male
that often verged or dived into the realm of obsession -
{suggest} verged-- or plunged headlong-- into
witness Tatewaki Kuno and Ryoga Hibiki to name two in
Hibiki, to
particular. Sometimes, the attention resulted in her
kidnapping. To date, Akane had been abducted by Mousse,
Pantyhose Taro, and Prince Saffron of Phoenix Mountain in
Pantyhose-Taro {well, that's the way I like, anyway...}
distant China.
{Well, technically she was abducted by birds under Kiima's command, but
since Kiima was obeying Saffron's will, I'll let you have it. :) }
Fortunately for her sake, Akane's second quality had a
tendency to offset the first: namely, she was lucky. This
fortunate aspect of her nature manifested itself in various
ways, the most obvious being her penchant for winning
prizes in any lucky draw she entered. Less obvious to Akane
was the fact that she also had the good fortune to draw the
attention of a male who seemed willing to defend her from
all other unwanted regard. Whether this one in turn would
become as possessive of her as the others was open to
question.
{A bit tangled for my taste, but we get the message...}
At the moment, her thoughts of Ranma were fleetingly brief
and hardly complimentary. That was because Akane Tendo was
fighting for her life. Her first quality had brought her
the notice of a very large, male wolf seemingly composed
her to the notice of {?}
more of energy than matter, as well as several incidental
oni who were also obviously of masculine persuasion. Her
Shukumaru was still watching the battle from her original
position, arms folded casually and with a repellent sneer
pasted on that irritatingly white face.
{er... why is the whiteness irritating? "irritating white", perhaps?}
Another minute or so. That was how long she needed to
last, to protect herself and Ryoga's unconscious form
behind her.
Then Ranma would save her... as he always did.
{She really needs to have more confidence in herself, even though her
confidence in Ranma has always proven justified... I think this scene
suffers a bit from your need to do a recap in the midst of battle, but
that's a consequence of your decision to end the last chapter where you
did, so there's not much you can do about that.}
---
A throng of demons stood blocking his way to Akane and a
big, blue fuzzball called Raiha. Ranma didn't let them stop
him. He dropped the first with a clinical uppercut to the
{"clinical"? Sudden flash of Dr. Tofu... :) }
chin, then whirled into a knife blow that stabbed the
hardened points of his fingers into a vital spot on the
second.
tentacles. He cushioned his landing on the head of the
sixth, launching himself into another leap that brought
{double space ^ }
"Raiha! You're mine!" he screamed, desperate to distract
the demon wolf from Akane. He could feel the fear and
desperation calling to his slumbering demon heritage, the
power upwelling eagerly and seductively. Just once to save
{double space ^ }
Akane, it seemed to say. Touch me, use me, I can destroy
{suggest} Take me, use me,
everything in your path. Ranma fought the temptation to
succumb to its entreaties. No, he growled defiantly. He
didn't need it, not even now.
The Thunderbeast swung his head towards him and casually
spat out a bolt of pure lightning. Ranma dived to one side,
letting the energy blast crackle past to plow a furrow into
the ground behind him, and incidentally incinerate two less
less-fortunate
fortunate oni closing in on him from the rear. He had drawn
the attention of Raiha away from Akane and centered it on
himself. The gods just had to be smiling on him.
{Are you sure that's a smile? :> }
Raiha closed the distance with a single bound, and Ranma
leapt to meet him. Fangs of energy snapped above his head
as he ducked and kicked at a blue-furred leg. He hurriedly
withdrew his kick as pins and needles shot up from his foot
from the brief contact. Ranma snarled in frustration. How
could he hurt a being that injured him with just a touch?
The Thunderbeast was more like living energy, rather than a
solid being.
{ Use the Faraday Cage Technique, I tell ya! :) }
Three oni advanced, arms raised to grab and rend, and
Akane lurched back to gain some room to maneuver. Twin
blossoms of pain stabbed into her right thigh, and yelled
and she yelled {?}
out in agony. She kicked backward desperately. Out of the
corner of her eye, she saw a large, bluish-white spider
demon scuttle away.
Akane's arms whirled in an effort to keep herself upright,
before she crashed onto her back, landing hard on the rocky
upright before
ground. She gasped in pain, her breath forced from her
lungs by the impact. Her mother's katana fell from
nerveless fingers. Akane blinked away the tears in her eyes
to see a hideous oni reach for her. She screamed in fear
and cringed away.
"Hiraikottsu!!"
{I didn't realize until later that this was coming from off-frame...}
Akane watched the claw bore down almost calmly, knowing
watched as the claw bore {or} watched the claw bear
that no one was close enough to save her from imminent
death. Ranma, she thought at the last. I'm sorry I never
told you that I lo-- Wait, what was that whistling sound?
She glanced up.
The grinning oni never even saw the blow that killed him.
He was punched off his feet by a giant metal boomerang,
which sliced through his torso in a violent spray of blood.
boomerang which
{Er. I've seen that weapon before, and it wasn't in Ranma 1/2.}
"Akane!" Ranma shouted, throwing a helpless glance at her
dire situation. Dammit! What else could go wrong?! Cold
fire raked across his shoulder and he fell back, his right
arm falling numb from shock.
{Quick answer. :) }
Ranma felt the anger and rage sweep over him, and this
time he welcomed the incipient fury. His left hand curled
{"incipient" doesn't seem to fit here. "ascendant", perhaps?}
into a claw and he slashed out at the grinning demoness
before him.
warped from the minor quakes earlier. It wouldn't take much
to wreak greater havoc. Get her out, Ranma. I'm counting on
you.
{Was that a thought? I assume so, but it's not clear.}
He jabbed his index finger without hesitation into the
largest of the complex nodes of energy. "Bakusai Tenketsu!"
The side of the mountain collapsed.
{What, all of it? The image I got was of the famous sequence of Mt. St.
Helens erupting, and I don't think that's quite what happened; you might
want to qualify it a bit.}
Ryoga, Shukumaru, Raiha, and the foremost of the oni pack
were buried beneath the avalanche of tumbling rock
instantly.
{Avalanches aren't instant... suggest} were swallowed up in the
avalanche of tumbling rock.
Ranma numbly watched the tableau of jumbled stones, before
{suggest} stones for a moment before
turning to smash furiously through the remaining oni to get
to Akane. Ucchan and Konatsu were doing a fine job
whittling down the belligerent boar and bull ogres as they
{For a second I read that as "bear and bull", but that'd be a stock
market. :) }
pushed up the narrow pathway. He could rely on them to hold
the escape route open. "Shampoo, help Kodachi get Ryoga
out," he ordered. The purple-haired Amazon turned to look
him in the eye a split second after lopping off the head of
a oni.
{"You no give order. I not your waitress." :) }
expose luminous blue fur. It was time to go. He picked up
Akane's katana and clasped her arms around it. That was all
he could do to safeguard the Tendo family treasure, but
somehow he knew Akane would not let it fall.
{er... scabbard? Carry a katana that way and she'll lose bits.}
Ukyo halted and gasped for breath. She had come to a
realization about her choice in tools of battle: oversized
weapons made a delightful splatter and looked utterly cool,
but they were pure murder when running away from pursuing
demons was involved. Hiraikottsu was currently being
{suggest} demons.
carried by Konatsu.
{"Caddy, my six-iron, if you please." :) }
feel it. Rather she was warmed by the smouldering fires of
Rather, she
a white hot anger. Ranma had chosen to save Akane even
white-hot
though she had been in danger as well.
{Didn't Akane feel that way about Nabiki, that one time? :) }
rubbed her cheek thoughtfully and her eyes narrowed. "But
is true Airen save Pervert Girl. Shampoo give him six
Amazon glomps in return and try kill Pervert Girl again,"
{Much as I love the word, I don't think Shampoo would say "glomps". :)
Hugs, perhaps?}
she finished cheerfully.
{That's Shampoo. :) }
"Yes, Ranma-sama is a prize worthy of the greatest
battle," Kodachi mused out loud. "Should a lowly cook, such
as yourself, choose retreat, then the Black Rose will
happily see you on your way. But for Kodachi Kuno... I
shall pursue Ranma-sama for however long it takes for him
to realize my finer qualities."
{That's Ko-chan. :) }
Grey boulders shifted and fell away. Raiha stood and
howled his fury into the fallen night, shaking debris from
his fur. Shukumaru emerged from beneath the Thunderbeast,
dusted her robes, and stared about her. The wan light cast
by the pale moon and glittering stars illuminated her utter
defeat. Mangled and twisted bodies of her servitor oni lay
sprawled amidst the devastated landscape. Most were already
reverting to clumps of dirt and ash. Oni were formed from
earth and wood and the essence of human evil, and so did
they return when that essence was released through death.
Pitiful whines and begging from wounded demons floated up
from where their crushed bodies lay pinned beneath the tomb
of fallen stone. She paid little heed to their injuries or
demise; they were beneath her concern or notice. Instead
her thoughts focused on the escape of her prey.
{Good description.}
"Seek them out! Hunt them to the ends of the world if need
be!" Shukumaru said in a voice that promised pain and
torment if unappeased. "You command your fellows as of now."
{suggest} as of this moment."
"As you will, Mistress," the bull ogre bowed lower and
Mistress." The
backed away.
She grimaced in displeasure, irked by her loss despite her
holding of all the trumps. Nodoka was no longer a card she
could play, sealed away by her half-brother's use of the
power of the Great Devourer. There was another source of
annoyance. Umibouzu had cast his lot with Ranma Saotome
{suggest} annoyance: Umibouzu
despite her threat. She marked him as yet one more enemy to
{suggest} as yet another enemy {or} as one more enemy
destroy.
There was but one silver lining in the dark cloud of
defeat. The girl cherished by her half-brother undoubtedly
lay dying even now, poisoned by Mizukumo's unrelenting
toxin. The spider demon's bite pierced deep into the
spirit, no mere human could ever hope to survive it.
spirit; no
Shukumaru frowned lightly. Her half-brother could yet save
{suggest, as even a small frown is a "heavy" expression} frowned
slightly.
It was a vain hope, arrogant and prideful, but then Ranma
was nothing if not confident. He closed his eyes and tried
a prayer to any listening gods. No gods replied directly,
but he heard her voice softly breath, "Ranma..."
breathe,
"Trust... I... don't..." Akane tapered off weakly, but
then the fire rose in her eyes again. It was beautiful to
watch, to hear the strength return to her voice, buoyed
from her anger. "You don't... trust me, Ranma. Why...
buoyed by {?}
should I trust... you?"
Because you're dying, dammit! His mind screamed in
his
anguish. Let me save you! But that wouldn't help the
situation. Logic never did. Akane only responded to
emotion.
{heh, yup.}
He touched her cheek gently once more and steeled
himself to do the hardest thing in his life.
"I'm sorry, Akane. I never trusted you before 'cause I
couldn't." Ranma took a deep breath. "See, it's 'cause I
only ever trusted one person in my life and he-- well, he
betrayed me. So I couldn't, ya see?"
{Mmmm... well, okay, but it's a stretch for me.}
He looked up nervously to see that her eyes had closed yet
again. "Dammit, 'Kane. Listen to me, will ya? Geez, I'm
{"'Kane" just doesn't work for me, sorry. He doesn't use honorifics, but
he doesn't slur her name that I've noticed, either.}
pouring out my heart here." He froze as her hand touched
his.
"No." Ranma lifted his head long enough to display
luminous eyes tinged with yellow. "Remember, you trust me,"
he said softly.
{Uh oh.}
"I trust you," Akane murmured, staring into his golden eyes.
He lowered his head to nuzzle her neck once again and then
his fangs pierced her throat.
{EEEEK!}
Akane shuddered weakly. Her heart fluttered like a dove
locked within a cage. Once. Twice.
Then it was still.
{Oh, you meanie. You'll suffer for this in the next life. :) }
---
Author's Notes:
1) 'Hiraikottsu' - Sango's giant metal boomerang; from Inu-
Yasha.
Thought so.
This chapter seemed really short for some reason, but upon inspection
it's not much shorter than the others. Perhaps it's because it was
brutally truncated. :)
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
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