***
part 3
"Choose a self and stand by it."
-William James
***
I'm alone, surrounded by nothingness. It's now that I choose to proclaim
what my heart has been feeling. This is what I know to be true, so I say it.
I utter it simply, plainly and matter-of-factly.
"Misa is Misao and Misao is Misa."
"Ahh, but who are they?
I jump at the voice. It's mine, but at the same time, it sounds distant,
distorted. I look around and find myself floating in a sea of white, the
only break in the endless pattern being a patch of fog ahead of me. In the
fog I see a silhouette of a young girl, and realize that its myself.
Suddenly I notice that I'm not dressed as Misao Amano anymore, but as Pixy
Misa. I know I'm Misao, I know it. My hair… its still black, and….
Before I know what's going on, the shadow ahead of me asks the question again.
"I'll ask you again; who are they?"
"They are myself. Each is a side of a greater me."
"But each is her own me, so therefore a you, by that definition, cannot
exist."
"But I do exist. I'm here talking to you."
"No, you're here only because I want you to be. You are nothing more than an
extension of myself."
"And who are you?"
"I am the real, while you are a fantasy created to fulfill the desperate
whims of a greater whole."
"And who is that whole?"
"I am that whole. I am the one that you can't live without. I am the
justification for your existence."
"But I have thoughts! Free will! A conscience! How can this be if I'm
nothing more than a whim?"
"You have the illusion of free will. You're nothing more than a tool,
something to be used. You act within a given set of parameters and perform a
certain range of tasks, just like any tool. In the end, your so called "free
will" is nothing more than the exploration of your own limitations, as set by
me."
"And who the hell are you? What gives you the right to justify my existence?"
"I told you before, I am the whole, that from which the lesser are berthed."
"The lesser? You mean Misao and Pixy Misa?"
"No, as I said before, each is her own her. You on the other hand… just look
at you. You're so mixed up you don't know who you are."
"Yes I do! I'm…"
"You're not Misao or Misa. You're too trapped between the two to pick."
"You're wrong! I'm…"
"Trapped, by the limitations of your own mind. You want to lash out, to
command authority and be reckless and wild, so you embrace Misa. Then again,
you're terrified of losing control and stability, so you run crying to Misao.
In the end, you stretch yourself too thin, resulting in this; the neither."
"Then… what will happen to me? Where will I end up?"
"That question cannot be answered. There is no "I" as far as you are
concerned. Don't you get it? You, or what you think is you now, doesn't
exist. You are merely a wild concoction of my own will. As long as you
remain in this state, then there are no real 'you', only a pathetic
aspiration to be something you cannot."
I start to cry, the tears stinging my cheeks. My hands tighten around
my…Misa's…. the baton. I move to attack the shadow, to prove it wrong. I
raise the baton in the air, take aim and command the magic to come forth…
"Pixy Beam!"
…But when I do, nothing happens.
And the shadow ahead of me can only laugh as I let the baton slide out of my
hand and hit the floor.
"Haven't you heard a word I've said? That was Misa's attack, but I already
told you… you aren't Misa."
"But I'm… I'm…"
"Who is Pixy Misa?"
"She's…"
"Who is Misao Amano?"
"She's… I… I don't know anymore…"
"Shall I tell you who they are, little one? They are the weak. They are
both something less than they should be, and both of them know it."
"No! That's not true! They… I…"
"Isn't it? Look at Misao. Poor little Misao wants to run. Poor little
Misao wants to hide. Poor little Misao wants someone else to appear and
magically clean up her life for her. Poor little Misao wants someone to lean
on so that she can be strong… but she's nothing more than a leech, feeding
off the pity of others!"
"NO! That's not true! Misao… Misao is strong! Misao is the strong one!"
"Then it is Misa who is the weak! Poor Misa, who is so desperate to save
someone that she can't stand to be alone. A walking paradox: always craving
attention but always distancing herself with her personality. Wanting to be
loved, but at the same time despising it. How pathetic both of them are."
"No! I… Misa isn't the weak! She's, she's as strong as Misao! They're both
strong, both so… so…"
"They… are the weak."
I don't know what to do next. A part of me wants to jump up and scream at
her, but another part of me wants to run away and hide. I try so hard to
decide, but the urge to do both is ripping me apart. Crying, I just drop to
my knees and hug my shoulders. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I
just… I just want to go home.
Papa?
"Why are you crying? You foolish little thing, don't you get it yet? Don't
you understand?"
I shake my head, my eyes staying focused on the vacant, white ground before
me. Stuttering on my own words, I try to answer.
"So… so I'm weaker than both of them…because… because I can't even decide
which one I want to be. Both of them… they're both strong enough to decide…
They're real… more real than me…"
"Misa and Misao… they are real because they are two separate beings. You
refuse to accept this reality, so you run from it, hiding yourself away in
this limbo. In the real world, you have to choose, but here… here you can
just sit and hide forever, because here you're not really real, so what does
it matter if you can't decide."
"But you said… you said that I wasn't real. You told me I was just a figment
of your imagination. If that's the case then why would any of this matter?
So what if I hide? After all, I don't exist."
"Wrong!"
The force of her words is enough to make me flinch. I look to her, my body
trembling with fear and confusion.
"You don't exist because I refuse to let you exit, because you are not a
'you'. Your definition of you is Misao Amano. Your definition of you is
Pixy Misa. You seek to choose between two sides of a coin; both separate
entities, but both equal as well. As long as you try to deny this, you'll
forever be riding the edge of that coin."
"Then… if I choose, then all this will be over. All I have to do is to
choose between the two!"
"NO! You just…. Don't… GET IT, DO YOU! Don't you understand yet? Misao
and Misa are both separate, but they are both valid and true versions of the
being known simply as you, I, myself, US! As long as you deny this fact,
then you can never truly be real."
"But you said it before! I don't exist!"
"Only because you won't let yourself exist! You choose not to exist!"
"But you said that I was only what you wanted me to be… and right now, I'm
happy with that, because that means I can just stay here as long as I like.
"You idiot! I define your existence because I am you! I am you and you are
I! WE'RE THE SAME PERSON!!!"
I freeze, her words sinking into my consciences like a lead weight. I am…
she is myself? I struggle, trying to figure out her words in my mind. I try
and I try, but I can't, and that only makes me want to cry some more.
"But how can this be? I… I don't understand anymore! I just don't
understand…"
"I am the you of your soul. I am, to put it plainly, the 'you' which you
subconscious knows to be true. Unfortunately, since you cannot realize the
solution to your dilemma, I cannot have form. I can't be defined until you
actually become a 'you'. Therefore, I guess that means we're both up the
creek… that is… unless you decide to choose."
"…"
"Come on, choose. I haven't got all day. Who are you going to be?"
"…"
"You've got to decide. I mean, we can't go through life trapped inside this
limbo we call a mind. Well, maybe you can, but I'd like to do some living
before I die."
"...I"
Papa
"Yes…yes go on…"
"…I choose…"
Papa I need you
"Come on… just decide and all this will be over. Be careful what you say,
though.
"…"
Do you remember?
"After all, if you choose wrong…"
"… I want…"
We were happy, papa…
"…we could be stuck here forever, but I know we won't be."
"…I want…"
We were strong
"… and besides, we're better than that."
"I am…"
Papa, please…
"So choose."
"I am…"
I am
"Now."
"...I am…"
I don't want to be afraid anymore Papa.
"DO IT!"
Because you'll come back soon, and we'll all go home.
I…
"I CHOOSE NEITHER!!!!!!!!"
I stand, and wiping the tears from my cheeks I face the me in the mist. Even
though I can't see her, I know she is taken back by what I said.
"I think I finally understand what you've been trying to tell me…"
"Really? Well now, that would be a pleasant change. Go ahead, enlighten me.
What have I been trying to drive home to that split little mind of yours?"
"That I am both Misao and Misa. Both are real because both are me, but I
cannot be Misao or Misa, because both are separate beings!"
I take a step forward, and the mist at my feet seems to creep back as if…
As if it were afraid of me.
"It's like you said all along! I've been trying to convince myself that I
had to be one or the other, but that… that's impossible!"
I take another step forward, and as I do the mist around her/myself starts to
recede.
Therefore the me… the real me is neither Pixy Misa or Misao Amano! They
were… they were something less than what I am! What I am now! I am their
whole! I am the whole which they make up!"
I hear my words and know that I am right. I know she knows too, because as I
walk towards her, she backs away, her body trembling through the mist. I
don't care anymore, though. I'm not scared of what she has to say to me…
I'm… I'm not scared anymore!
I'm not scared anymore!
"The me… the real me… is Misao and Misa… but she's also her own self. Misao
and Misa are two separate people, but they only exist because I was too
scared to admit who I really was!"
"And… and… who are you?"
"I am me! I really am the real me! You said it yourself! I only existed
like this because you wanted me to exist like this! You wanted me to realize
that I had no reason to hide from myself! I… I AM ME!!!"
"And… who is 'me'?"
I smile at her as the last traces of her begin to fade away. In our hearts,
we both know the answer.
"Me… is whoever I chose to be."
And just like that, the mist clears and the other me vanishes before I can
get a chance to look at her face. It doesn't matter, though. I already
know… she looks just like me.
***
Pixy Misa, Misao Amano, Pretty Sammy and Sasami belong to Pioneer, TV Tokyo
and AIC
All C&C should go to BGlanders@aol.com