You repost the first part two days after posting the second. Now thats
confusing.
"I needn't remind you that you're short a pilot." Fuyutsuki said.
Gendo: Then shaddup before I have you sacrificed.
"Her name is Kizuko, Dr. Akagi. You seem to forget that."
<action> Miashara's mind boggles at the change in Gendo's character.
"Who? The Commander and the toilet?" She snarked.
That would explain so much.
[_}~`\-/'~{_]
^ " ^
All right. What's with these funky things?
He turned quickly to face the newcomer, wondering how they had snuck up on >him.
No they. He. Newcomer is gender unspecific and thus in English is
masculine.
She would be permissable, because you're about to reveal it's Ritsuko.
"Yes, and no."
I think just Yes and no would be fine. I fail to see the reason for that
comma.
She desperately needed a break, but as long as she was the only one who >could pilot the Eva, she could not rest.
Give her two shots of Absolut. I bet it would do wonders for her Sync
rate.
"Is this why he is here? Shinji? Will you make
him ride as well?"
Ikari Gendou sighed. He had to tell her. He owed her that much. "I will >give him the choice I could not afford to give you."
Rei: You mean he will be able to ride the Pony Or the Rocket ship? You
Bastard.
"Isashiburi desu ne?"
Personnally, I really don't like this. There are several possible things
this could be so assuming its one by location isn't wise, and I sure
don't know enough japanese to make a wise guess. In an English fic, only
use Japanese where the meaning is so brutally, obviously clear that it
barely even needs to be said and even still, give lots of hints.
As he lifted his gaze to meet that of his father's, he continued:
Continued,
"Shinji, You will use the Evangelion to battle the
angel. Why? Because if you do not, all of mankind shall perish
in fiery oblivion."
Wow. Did it in eight seconds. I timed it.
Under three conditions."
1: I get a car. I want a Lambroghini
2: I get cable. And I want all 250 channels.
3: Misato drops and gives...I'll get back to you on three.
"A Martial Artist's duty, his honor, lies not with
himself, but in helping and protecting those in need - those
who cannot, or will not, defend themselves - to the best of
their ability.
his ability
Gendou, high above, smiled a slow resentful smile. It would work.
I don't think resentful is the word you want here.
`those is two dark servents of the Lillim`
I'm not sure whether you wanted the bad grammar here or not.
Well, ou have a few problems. Excessive overuse of question marks, one
is enough even in exclamations, and ellipses, one is enough, per
chapter. Other than that it's pretty good.