[First off, let me say thanks for this very detailed C&C. Yours is the first
that explained a couple of objections to the story that I was having a difficult
time understanding. Fortunately, now that I understand the problems better, the
fixes do not appear to be that difficult to effect. At least not the problems I
intend to fix.]
No trouble. Just doing a bit of follow-up here.
[Sorry, I don't do brackets in a story. The professionals don't use them and I
am in self-training to become a good enough writer to be a professional. I will
look at the problem you raise, but no brackets.]
True enough, but when you're a pro you have the luxury of using italics,
and sometimes even bold face or (in extreme examples) different fonts.
In basic old ASCII text, I think you can get away with using a substitute.
Your call, though.
returning from a long and difficult adventure in China. Henceforth, insulting
Akane Tendo earns you one mild ass whipping by R. Saotome (of either form) as
the minimum punishment. Do something nasty to her, or hurt her and you wil go to
the hospital. You will go directly to the hospital, no passing go, no collecting
two-hundred dollars, et cetera, et cetera. I'll put in a note to the effect, "If
they know I'll whip Pop then...]
A fair interpretation of Ranma, though he may discover Akane rankles
a bit if he's too overprotective. On the other hand, Genma just went
berserk over the possiblity of a cure. Selfish of him, of course, but
Ranma should be able to sympathize. The real question I have is how
this "ass-whipping" will differ from the fairly routine ones he lays on his
father in the course of training, meals, and other daily adventures.
Akane's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as she nodded her head
in the affirmative. They walked on in silence for a few steps
"nodded her head in the affirmative" is kind of stilted. Also the sort of
phrase which attracts Megane 6.7. Be careful.
[Er...okay. I'll fix it, but who or what is Megane 6.7?]
I guess you don't read MSTings either. Megane is quite the champion
of the MST field. I don't think you give him anywhere near enough
material to work with, though - he generally only targets the most
ludicrous of fanfic attempts.
becomes obvious that I am not picking on Shampoo, just to pick on Shampoo? The
situation I depict here is intended to naturally flow from evidence easily
recognizable in the regular series. At least it does to me. Had it been Ukyo
that had done all these things, it would be Ukyo that I would have Ranma worried
about. I am trying, very hard, to create a situation which flows logically from
the series at Volume 38.]
I think you'll probably clear up the character slam worries over time, whether
in a rewrite or in future chapters. I didn't mean to sound to accusatory - the
character slam is probably my most severe fanfic pet-peeve. I tend not to
finish reading stories which are transparently meant to bash any character,
whether it's one of my favorites or not. I didn't mean to suggest that your
story had entered character slam territory, only that it sometimes seemed
to be drifting that way. I'm glad to hear you've got other things in mind.
That being said, the idea that Shampoo would renew her resolve to dispose
of Akane in the face of an imminent Ranma-Akane marraige is not at all
implausible. So the ambiguity you've sought to generate is definitely there.
I still don't understand why Tofu does this. It also seems to be professionally
unethical. Having a patient to treat does not give him license to abuse anybody
else.
[ I claim prescedent from the occasion when Tofu used a pressure point on
Ranma's back, causing his legs to quit working a short time later. This was
intended to help Ranma out with his relationship to Akane. I see no reason for
Tofu to be shy now when the stakes are much higher.]
Fair enough. Though I'm not sure his tactic will achieve the ends he
seeks, I can see that he might give it a shot.
The "confidence drug" really seems like a bit of a cop-out. If you're going to
have Tofu behave himself around Kasumi, I prefer that it simply be a force-of
will thing rather than some sort of vaguely magical drug.
[Why not? Such things get used in the Ranmaverse all the time. This is Dr. Tofu,
not Ben Casey--oops, revealed my age, didn't I? Yeah, expect the "drug" to be a
problem of sorts. It will crop up a couple more times. ]
Perhaps it seems odd because you have been so thorough in your
explanation of medical terminology with other issues, especially
the battle-fatigue syndrome, that it seems very weird to hear you
refer to an unspecific "confidence drug." I think you might solve
this by coming up with a fake scientific-sounding name for the drug,
especially if you're going to introduce side-effects.
back to the original or something stronger. Tofu has a serious problem to deal
with here and Ranma's parents along with Nabiki, are a significant part of the
problem. What say ye dear readers? Shall I have Tofu approach the problem with a
limp wrist? Horsehocky! These guys have got a butt chewing coming. Tofu's gonna
give it to 'em! Get used to it.]
I think this scene is strongest when Tofu stays within the realm of his
authority as a respected medical practicioner. I don't think you need
to change too much about the scene, really. He's firm but respectful,
and mindful of the fact that the people he's talking to need to maintain
their dignity.
[Why would he have cause to fear Nabiki would do anything further to hurt her
own sister? Can he not logically expect Nabiki to look out for Akane's welfare,
especially if she knows that he is pissed at her? More importantly, some of the
things he needs done are things best done by Nabiki. I'll smooth this a bit, but
not much.]
We may simply disagree here. I believe Nabiki's history has shown her
to be rather willing to compromise her family for profit, though not necessarily
to the point of endangering them. Yes, I do believe that Ranma could come
to trust her to do what needs to be done, but you do have him in a delicate,
paranoid state right now. If you think it would complicate the scene too much
to try to work that in, that's understandable. It is, however, a good chance
for you to give the reader a barometer reading on how serious Ranma's
battle-fatigue is right now.
appropriate. In this case, I will be portraying a Ranma prepared to be a little
more manly. Will that fix it for you? I guarantee you, someone else will bitch
about this particular fix, claiming OOC, Ranma. Nuts!]
Hey, you can't please everyone. I may be too sensitive to the issue,
again. Later chapters will tell - first chapters are frequently rough, until
you really get into the rhythm of the story and start to crank it out.
Great stuff, Grayson. This really helped a lot! Now I'll go back to curry
combing this thing and see iffen' there ain't a story in it someplace.
I think there is. I'm very keen to see what the Cold Dragon really is.
Regards,
Don Granberry.
Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless