Nice story, Vincent. Thanks for writing and sharing.
The traveller returned to the Tendo home on an afternoon in
I agree with Alan; the opening is quite interesting. Really
grabs my interest.
Actually, your whole narrative strategy seems very well thought-out;
the suspense element should keep most readers pinned right up
to the endind.
"She's still a great old bat. A little older, a little
battier."
Nicely phrased.
all have wings, so she has wings." Elegant wings, strong and
proud; wings that could fling air in metal-cleaving blades, or
enfold a lover in rustling softness.... "Her feet have claws,
too." She'd worn soft boots to keep from shredding his calves
when she--
I guess the reader is supposed to understand from this an
alternate jumping-off point, as you mentioned in your reply
to Gary. I think this could stand elaboration somehow,
for instance, you could have a character throw out that
"nothing much happened" after the abortive marriage attempt
at the _beginning_ of Vol 37, the one with an unconscious
Akane in a wedding kimono. (More on this below.)
Also, the reader understands from this that Ranma is actively
seeking out more lovers. Otherwise, how and why Kiima?
Later, however, you make this seem somewhat unlikely, as a
clash with Ranma's feelings.
Ranma snapped his fingers. "That's right, I forgot to tell
you. She got tired of-- er, we went our separate ways a few
years ago.
A telling remark. Ranma has 'accidentally' left his mother
with the impression that he has one more lover than he does.
"Bounty?" Ranma asked softly without shifting his gaze or
altering his expression. "Is that what you call it?"
Why did Ranma 'conquer' Kiima if this is his real attitude?
Ranma stared at his father. "This is your idea of a perfect
life, isn't it?" he asked in dawning comprehension.
Even for Ranma, it seems a little dim to be just realizing
this, ten years on. The remark is fine, but perhaps "he asked
in a even tone" instead of "in dawning comprehension".
This... affection for women that you have is understandable, at
your age, but it is a serious weakness. They have their world,
and we have ours.
I second Alan; this is _very_ nice capsule interpretation of
Genma.
and offer her the same kind of deal. That's why Kurone's name is
Saotome. She's on the clan register."
Not quite sure how this works... My understanding is that Kurone
_can't_ be on the Saotome register unless the acknowledging father
subsequently marries the mother. And are Ranma and Kasumi
Saotomes or Tendos? If the former, Kasumi has to know about Kurone,
in a way she would have difficulty ignoring; if the latter, it's
even harder to see how Kurone could have been made a Saotome.
Did Nodoka and Genma adopt her?
"I still daydream of how things might have been if we'd
gotten married. We came so close, that one time...."
"The time you woke up wearing a wedding kimono?"
Akane nodded. "But you were a jerk, and I reacted
appropriately." Ranma smirked ruefully, but didn't comment.
"But after that, things just kept on the way they'd been going.
I loved you, but I was afraid to tell you, because I didn't think
you loved me back. I thought I had all the time in the world.
If only something had happened that made me sure you loved me...
I think I could have told you, then. Or if I'd been braver.
Or...."
Here. "...things just kept on the way they'd been going."
I suggest, "been going, the two of us arguing; stupid,
harmless legendary artifacts or challenges. I loved you..."
Make it just a bit clearer here that this story is branching
from canon at the beginning of Vol 37.
"What really irks me about finding out that I wasn't the
only one you were unfaithful to your wife with-- oh, hell."
<clip>
"I thought of that," Akane said evenly. "I've been very
careful to avoid it. To give birth to the bastard child of my
sister's husband while living in my sister's house and teaching
at my sister's dojo... no. That would be so far past awkward, I
don't think it's even in this dimension."
I'd have thought Akane would be appalled and resentful at the
realization that she, and only she, has to go without having
children by Ranma. Clearly, your intent is that she _can't_,
and your intent is more interesting that the alternative
(Kasumi offering to pretend Akane's child is hers).
I'm inclined to agree with Gary that you don't quite achieve
the level of angst your material would allow, and that seems
to be your intent. The Kiima insert, for instance, seems to
raise a question about how much angst Ranma really feels.
Generally, though, I think you could've done a lot with a little
more work on the love hotel rendezvous scene: Akane in agony
at the thought that everyone else gets children with Ranma;
Ranma more actively unhappy.
Alternatively, you could have just gone for sordidness; for
instance, having the 26-year-old Ranma starting to show signs
of Genma-fication; a sort of IC-for-Ranma version of Doughboy's
"A Real Man".
Note: This originates in a question Dave Roeder asked me,
to wit, what scenario could be devised to have ALL the girls
get Ranma while remaining serious and IC? I'm not saying
this answers the question, mind you, but this is what resulted.
ALL the girls? Where's Nabiki? ;) (who easily outranks Kodachi
as a "Ranma girl" in non-"serious and IC" stories)
A bit more seriously, I can swallow Shampoo here, but I'm
not entirely sure I can see Ukyou. Shampoo gets what she
wants (as far as we know): strong warrior children and a trophy
husband. Ukyou, we're given to understand from canon, wants
a house-husband Ranma. Since she doesn't get it, why does
she settle for less? How did Ranma's offer dissuade her from
attacking Kasumi? (Don't feel required to answer; I'm
just pointing out that the question is left unsettled by the
story.)