A few of the comments below reflect matters unchanged from the
first version; I apologize for not commenting on them in my
first response.
1) Didacticism. For instance, the sex ed lecture seems overly
didactic, and it's not clear how it is either necessary to the
plot or fits in thematically. If it's not necessary, maybe it
shouldn't be here. Same comment applies to a few other discussions.
[MY ideal in a story is one which readers will want to read over
and over again. Long, didactic passages tend to be read once,
period, then block or discourage re-readings of a story. There
_are_ exceptions to this, e.g. Heinlein, but such exceptions
are _very_ rare.]
2) It's not clear to me, from this part, if YOU have decided
whether Ranma is right about the threat Shampoo poses, or if you
know, and are just leaving your readers in suspense. Nabiki's
apparently agreeing with Ranma's logic almost immediately argues
that Ranma is right, but this actually detracts from the "combat
fatigue" diagnosis. If Ranma is _not_ right, but just being
paranoid, then IMO you ought to notify the reader, by any of
these means: 1) Nabiki being skeptical; 2) skip to Nekohanten,
where Shampoo is thinking of something completely innocent;
3) have Ranma rave a bit about kidnapper princes lurking
in every alleyway. If, OTOH, Ranma _is_ right, then how are
the "combat fatigue" diagnosis and forebodings justified?
You're not paranoid if there really ARE people out to get
you. And why is Ranma a danger to everyone around him, if
the people he feels like killing really deserve it?
Certainly the reader is in some suspense at this point; but
I, as a reader, don't have the confidence I should have that
you, as the author, know exactly what the situation is.
3) Grayson Towler already mentioned the overuse of "gelatinous movie
monster"; I whole-heartedly concur.
first time, Akane noticed something in Ranma's face that she had never
noticed before worry. She wondered why she had not noticed it before.
^ you need a colon here
Nabiki shivered at the thought of a Nekko-Ranma gifted with
intelligence and some of his more advanced techniques. The immediate
destruction of several people she knew would be a foregone conclusion.
(It's "neko-Ranma" or "nekoken-Ranma" ['cat' is 'neko', not 'nekko'],
or possibly just "catfist-Ranma".)
Also, why does Nabiki conclude this? The face meaning is that the
only reason nekoken-Ranma _fails_ to kill Kuno, perhaps Shampoo, etc.
is because nekoken-Ranma is not "gifted with intelligence". In the
first nekoken incident in the manga, nekoken-Ranma doesn't kill Kuno,
and I don't see why intelligence would have made any difference.
(Certainly the advanced techniques wouldn't have; it was quite clear
from that story that nekoken-Ranma could have easily killed Kuno
had it wanted to.)
Shampoo is present in both the second and third incidents, and the
same comment applies. I think you want something like "Nabiki
shivered at the thought of an intelligent nekoken-Ranma motivated
by malevolent paranoia and some of his..."
I became seriously worried about it just before
this recent trip to China," Tofu said, "then I noticed that his symptoms
were much more pronounced the day he came back."
"Why didn't you say something that day?"
"To whom? And how? I had to make a case for it. I haven't even
Isn't this only one or two days later than the first day back from China?
And isn't this immediately after the first time Tofu's seen Ranma since
he got back from China? So why is Nabiki worried about the
near-nonexistent delay, and why is Tofu defending it?